I don't sleep. I just lay in bed replaying Seth's kiss over and over in my head until I become so miserable that I eventually get up. It's four in the morning when I exit my bedroom and quietly make my way downstairs. I expect to see the door to the study closed, Seth sleeping sounding inside, but it's not.

Making my way toward it, I peer around the corner prepared to find him huddled beneath his blankets. But he's gone; his pallet of blankets neatly folded and sitting on the edge of my dad's desk. Aside from that, there's no evidence he was ever here.

Hurrying to the bay window in the living room, I push aside the curtain and search for his truck. But the streetlight illuminates the empty street where his truck sat parked only a couple of hours prior. He bailed on me.

I knew he had to leave this morning, but I assumed it wasn't until much later. The fact that he didn't even bother with a goodbye stings a little and I drop down into the couch. Was it all a mistake?

For some reason, I didn't think so until now.

I spend the rest of the day with my family, but they can tell something's off. I try to get into the spirit of things—cookie decorating and a few card games—but I'm tired. And if I'm being completely honest with myself, I'm also really dejected.

I end up letting my parents in on what's going on. My dad sits quietly, absorbing my words as if he was completely unaware of my feelings for Seth. My mom, on the other hand, listens intently, munching on a roll of Ginger Snaps and nodding along to every detail.

"Give him some time," is my dad's advice.

"Play hard to get," is my mom's.

My dad and I roll our eyes at her suggestion, but she just lifts her hands in defense. "What? It worked for me." She squeezes my dad's arm and gives him a sly wink.

By the end of the day, I've managed to emerge from my slump enough to enjoy the rest of my visit. By evening, I've convinced myself that I'll be completely fine. This will be an unfortunate phase in my life as I fight my own feelings, but I'll move past it.

Though I have no classes on Monday, I still have to return to campus to shoot a scene with Seth and his team. I'm dreading it because I know it'll be awkward. But, as I enter the campus auditory to begin filming, I'm pleasantly surprised when Seth approaches me and pulls me into a warm hug.

"Missed you," he mutters against my ear. He's smiling as he pulls away. "Sorry I disappeared on you yesterday. I got a text from the coach at around three telling me our meeting was bumped up to eight. I had to book it back to make it in time."

"Oh."

"I just didn't want you to think..." his voice trails off, not needing to explain any further.

"It's all good," I tell him, my hand on his arm as I squeeze it reassuringly.

The remainder of our shoot goes on as normal. It's as if nothing at all has changed. Like I didn't just taste his lips a day and a half ago. It's an odd feeling, laughing with someone while trying not to give away just how much their presence is affecting you. By the time we're finished for the day, I'm weary from all the effort of trying to appear 'the good friend'.

Not for the first time, I find myself wondering if I'm strong enough to keep this up.

———

Over the next couple of weeks, we finish filming and decide that all of our hard work deserves a celebration. Since Christmas is just a couple of weeks away we plan for it to be a Christmas party. Actually, an ugly sweater party, to be exact. I'm beyond excited, but before I get to start planning for it, I first have to deal with my roommate. She pranked me with a bucket of oil above my door, so in return, I'm going to steal all her belongings right out from under her nose.

Tuesday morning, my plan goes into action. I somehow manage to convince Emma to be my slave for the entire day—in exchange for a handful of red skittles. The appeal of the sugar-balls is beyond me, but at this moment, I'm grateful for her addictions.

The first order of business as her new master is to force her to join me on a picnic, even though it's literally freezing outside. While we're out, my buddies, Roger, Grady, and Luke, will remove all of her belongings from our room and bury her under it all the next morning. It won't be anything like getting Saran wrapped to a bed, but fun nonetheless.

Wrong turn after wrong turn, we eventually make it to our destination: an old abandoned train.

Emma remains outside for several minutes debating the wisdom of having a picnic on a haunted-looking train. While she considers these things, I hurry inside and begin setting up our lunch at a booth that was once overgrown with vines. Now everything is dead, just brown, crunchy weeds clinging to their old home.

As we eat, I begin asking Emma some questions about Trevor. The questions seem to start out innocent enough, but quickly transform. Somehow, while trying to counsel Emma, I end up revealing my own heart.

"Do you think I'm using him now?" Her question is just shy of panicked. She's come to the realization that she was always drawn to him, even in high school. But it was his goodness she was enticed by. Now, she's wondering if that was all because she hoped he'd be able to fix her.

"No," I answer, confident.

She's audibly relieved as she asks, "How do you know?"

I'm not sure why I let the truth slip past my fingers. It's a truth I've been holding on to for several days now. A truth that should remain in hiding, and yet, without even a second thought, I let it fall into the open.

"Because," I start to say, "I happen to know what a girl in love looks like, and girl... you're in love."

She smiles, not bothered by my accusation. She'd rather be in love with a person who doesn't love her back than realize she's using them. My heart drops, but not because I'm dejected. It's more that my heart is relaxed, settling into this truth. For the first time, I find myself not just trying to deny my feelings, but actually admitting to them. It's refreshing.

"You're in love?" Emma asks in awe, finishing off her taco.

My stomach twists in disgust when I hear a giggle leave my lips. I don't giggle. I never giggle. I was literally fine being in love until I admitted it out loud. Now, I'm suddenly a giggling goon.

"Aw, Mercy. Who?"

I devour the last of my taco and pull my legs to my chest. "I'm not sure if you know him," I begin, playing with the tip of my ponytail. This whole 'sharing feelings thing' is beyond uncomfortable, and yet, this stupid smile won't leave my face. I shake my head and glance up at Emma. "Seth."

"Oh. Seth. Yeah..." she says, recalling the one time she met him. "He's the guy who was with you that day we saran wrapped you to your bed, right?"

I laugh. "Yep. That's him." I fiddle with my hair some more. "Obviously he wasn't too concerned about me, huh?"

"Did you tell him you wanted out?" she ask.

I shake my head side-to-side, not lifting my eyes to meet her until I hear her laugh.

"Merc," she sighs, "are you one of those girls who expects a guy to read your mind? Maybe he was waiting for an invitation to release you."

I shrug. "Maybe."

"How was he supposed to know that you wanted him to set you free?" she says, but I can see that her question has got her thinking about something else. Grateful for her distractedness, I take the opportunity to change the topic.

We finish up our tacos and then explore the train before realizing we can't feel our fingers and toes anymore. That's probably a good indication that it's time to find some warmth.

The drive home takes a third of the time because Emma knows the way back without my brilliant navigational skills. We part ways the moment we park, and as much as I'd love to watch her face when she opens our dorm door, right now, I just need a little quiet.

Our conversation was good for me, but it's also a very unfortunate realization. Loving Seth might just kill me, and discovering how I feel literally hurts. Because, at this stage in our relationship, I can't see him ever loving me back.

———

I end up at the gym. It felt like the right place to go to get a breath. Once class was finished, I'd gone back to our half-empty dorm to grab my swimsuit. The campus gym has a hot tub in the locker rooms, and that's where I intend to dig deep into my thoughts.

I'm normally not the type to run off to a quiet corner of the world to ponder all my problems. That's always seemed so pointless because I know my thoughts would just run circles and I'd end up more confused. No, I prefer human conversation over complete aloneness. My mom and Hope tend to be the first ones I seek out for emotional help, but right now, this is nice.

Lowering myself into the searing water—everything up to my earlobes submerged—I close my eyes. Heat permeates my skin, hypnotizing me with its soothing warmth. Okay, so maybe I do love this kind of aloneness. No talking. No thinking. In fact, this is probably very dangerous because there's a high possibility of these waters lulling me to sleep.

Leaning my head on the edge of the large tub, I try to forget today's realization. Unfortunately, my mind does not want to be quieted. It rattles off pros and cons—of which there are practically zero pros—and it dreams up unlikely possibilities. I see myself standing before Seth as my lips continually spill my heart to him. In every scenario, he frowns at me, pats me on the head like a child, and shakes his head.

Denial.

Even my own imagination can't think up a positive outcome. It's like I have no daydream capabilities. My own brain is preparing me for the worst, and right now, I do not appreciate its effort.

We kissed.

That thought keeps drifting into my head, swirling and taunting me and then morphing into a nightmare of rejection. Every single time. Not once do I imagine a happy ending. Instead, I see the scene like an old movie being projected onto a massive theater wall. Everything is perfect and beautiful until the reel film catches fire. The image suddenly begins to grow disfigured, holes melting into the images until nothing remains.

I sit up, wiping the moisture from my forehead. Seems my attempts to find comfort here and unwind are futile. Loving Seth is a nightmare and if I'm not careful it's going to make me miserable.

I refuse to let my own feelings make me miserable. I'm stronger than this. I can overcome this. Even if I have to shove the truth so far down the throat of ignorance that even I forget such emotions exist, then maybe that's what I'll have to do. To survive. Drown my feelings in an ocean of oblivion. Mute my heart... so that I can survive.

When I pull myself from the water an hour later, my skin is red and I'm beyond tired. But, I also feel really good. For now, at least, I've come to accept my predicament. Yes, maybe I'll have to keep that mute button engaged forever, but I think I'll survive. I'm decent at ignoring big issues. At least I think I am.

But Seth will prove to be an entirely new kind of challenge for me. One that my heart might not be capable of ignoring.