Derbyshire, United Kingdom
January 1852

Just as the night before, Jane waited anxiously for James's arrival to her bedchamber. Knowing that their marriage must be consummated at some point, Jane had been certain that his neglect of this crucial part of their relationship would not be repeated; however, as she drifted to sleep alone in the confines of her room, Jane found some peace in believing that it had. For this, Jane was grateful. She had spent the majority of the day trying to harden herself to the idea of sharing James's bed, but however unfeeling she had managed to become, Jane knew in her heart that she was not ready for the touch of a man.

The theft of Harry's tender affection was too fresh in her mind to truly prepare herself for the impending completion of her marital obligations. How could she be expected to give herself to a man when her heart belonged to another? Such circumstances were cruel, for Jane's loyalty was facing its greatest challenge.

In her heart, she was unconditionally and unchangingly loyal to Harry. Time and time again, he had proven his love for her through his endless understanding and untainted affection. In everything, Harry sought to prove himself to be right and honorable in hopes of living up to the man he knew Jane deserved. Always did he try to better himself for her sake, undertaking a humble attitude in all things, almost to a fault. This in combination with her own all-consuming feelings for him was all Jane needed to know that no man would ever amount to Harry and what he meant to her.

Harry had been the love of Jane's life. She knew that. Even if James were to put in the effort Lorraine thought him capable of, Jane knew that his appeals to her would never alter the unfailing loyalty she held for Harry. Regardless of the fact that they had not married, Jane and Harry were two parts of one soul fused together by tenderness brought to life by passion; and as far as Jane could see, there was no act that could change that.

Thus, the threat of James's presence in her bed occupied her thoughts for many days. As each day passed, Jane found herself becoming more and more consumed by her anxiety over the matter. Every night initiated a waiting game in which Jane could make no move. She was at her husband's mercy, and when she lay down at the end of the day, not even the quiet peace of night could help to ease her worries. James was on her mind just as much as Harry was.

That was one thing that had remained the same for Jane even after her wedding. Though it pained her, Jane could not help her mind for exploring the life she could have had with Harry and her father. It was a happier part of her conscience; however, once Jane was pulled from it, she fell further and further into despair. Her dreams were obliterated by the unsettling reality of her circumstances, and so when she found herself alone, Jane wept.

Jane longed to know where Harry was and whether he mourned for her the way she did for him. She thought of his words to her at the train station, repeating them over and over in her mind as she longed for the explanation behind all that had happened to her. He would write to her with the answers to her questions when it was safe for him to do so, but until then, Jane would anticipate the arrival of his message in hopes that it would give her some sense of closure amidst her sufferings. To endure a lifetime as James's wife, Jane wanted a reason to keep going. She needed to know why her sacrifice was necessary, but until then, she would have to rely on her own determination to make it through.

However, to do so required a tremendous amount of energy and emotional stability, and even Jane was aware that these were two things that she did not possess. In her desolation, Jane's strength was dwindling. The people who surrounded her, though they did not know her well, took notice of Jane's progressing misery.

It was disheartening for them to see Jane's youthful beauty corrupted by the afflictions of her soul, and it was even more disheartening that there wasn't a thing that could be done to ease her pain. Jane would hardly speak of her struggles with anyone, save for a few unintentional comments made to Lorraine regarding James. As much as she tried to keep her thoughts of dissatisfaction to herself, there was just something about Lorraine that encouraged Jane to speak freely, even if she hadn't intended to do it in the first place.

On the seventh day of her new life at Chatsworth House, Jane found herself to be irreparably bored. None of Lorraine's friends were visiting for the day, nor was there really much work for her to do anywhere around the house. Lorraine had taken care of most everything that needed to be done that day, so Jane found herself idly sitting in the library one morning, reading a book about mathematics.

Having never really had the opportunity to study beyond simple calculations, Jane was trying to teach herself some of the more complex methods of computation. It was interesting to her, though she knew that the real reason for reading a book containing such dense material was to distract her from her discouraging inner monologue. It was dreary to listen to day in and day out, so forcing her sadness away, Jane elected to teach herself something that would challenge her.

As she was reading of Pythagoras and his history, Jane found herself interrupted by Lorraine, who, like always, smiled at her charmingly. Her black hair lay thickly down her back in loose waves, softening her striking features and making her appear years younger than she was. She rarely wore it down, but Jane thought it looked nice like this.

"Oh, there you are." Lorraine came to sit across from Jane by the window, leaning back and reclining as if she didn't have a care in the world. "I have a surprise for you, and I think you're going to like it."

Jane looked up to Lorraine with hopeful eyes. However mature she thought herself, she could not help the excitement that stirred within her at the prospect of a surprise. She was partly nervous as well, seeing as her idea of something pleasant might be vastly different than what Lorraine might arrange; nonetheless, she brushed the small bit of anxiety away so that she might demonstrate her gratitude.

"You didn't have to get me anything," Jane replied timidly, shutting her book.

"I know that," Lorraine rolled her eyes playfully. "I wanted to, now put that up and come along."

Jane obeyed, though she did so reluctantly. Following Lorraine through the hallways of that great mansion, Jane was led upstairs to her bedroom. Confused, she opened her mouth to speak, but Lorraine was quick to answer her inquiry before she could even get it out.

"Change first, then meet me around back. I think you'll find these close very suitable for our purposes." Lorraine smiled knowingly, then turned on her heel to go to her own room.

Though Jane was skeptical, she nonetheless obeyed and met Lorraine outside in her new clothes. She knew they were riding clothes the moment she saw them, but these were different to the ones she was accustomed to wearing. She had seen women wearing trousers while riding before, but her grandmother had never allowed her to join in on the unorthodox trend.

"You look stunning in that blue," Lorraine praised Jane as she approached her. "And look how long your legs are; it's simply unfair."

Jane's heart lifted a small fragment in the face of Lorraine's compliment, and she thanked her, blushing, "Thank you."

Lorraine, dressed in her own green trousers and vest, pulled Jane along across the wide terrace towards the stairs. "I do hope you're alright with your garments. I know they aren't exactly traditional, but I find that to ride properly, they are entirely necessary."

"I agree."

Jane thought back to the last time she had gone riding and the hard ride she had made from Newcastle to Edinburgh. She had worn a stable boy's clothes to avoid the hindrances of wearing a skirt, and so she could find no issue at all with the new clothes she had been given. However, Jane felt aggravated with herself for allowing her mind to drift onto Harry again; it was as if everything, even the smallest thing like riding horses, reminded her of him. Moments ago, she had been excited about the prospect of riding again, but now, her eyes were downcast, and she wondered if the throbbing of her broken heart would ever subside.

Jane's sudden change in disposition was not one that she hid well, and so Lorraine was only too aware of the girl's internal anguish. It pained her to see a girl, so smart and evidently vibrant at heart, to be so beaten down. Lorraine could relate to Jane, having had her own fair share of unwanted marriages, but there was something about Jane's melancholy that surpassed mere displeasure in a husband.

When Lorraine had married the first time, she had been scared and alone, much like Jane was now. She remembered feeling like her life had just been entirely ruined, and that she would never again find happiness. In Jane, she could see these things, but there was something much more painful that afflicted her. Jane was mourning something, or rather, someone. Lorraine could see that plain enough, but she hadn't the slightest clue of how to go about speaking to Jane about it. She knew she must though, and that was her intention in taking her out to the fields that day.

Two horses awaited the women as they descended the back stair towards the lawn, the presence of which did a great deal to lift Jane's spirits. Despite the painful memories that constantly plagued her mind, Jane could not help but lose herself in the feeling of riding again. She and Lorraine took to the fields at a bit of a trot, but Jane could feel the power in her mare's lean build just waiting to be exercised.

"Go on, Jane," Lorraine encouraged her, delighting in the first genuine smile she had seen Jane employ. "Just don't get lost."

The part of Jane that demanded she maintain her sense of propriety urged her to decline Lorrain's suggestion, but she found that her will to feel free again overpowered that piece of herself that stemmed from her grandmother's instruction. Thus, with a grateful smile and a deep breath, Jane gathered the reins in her hand and urged her mare to surpass Lorraine's easy pace.

Gripping the horse between her knees, Jane leaned forward and moved in sync with the animal beneath her. As she steadily gained in speed, the chilled winter winds began to sting at Jane's cheeks and whip at her hair, but she didn't care about the cold. Breathless and laughing, Jane flew through the valley without a care in the world, taking in every tree and meadow in her path with a sense of relieved admiration. The winter weather had taken its toll on the land, stealing the place's sense of vitality and brightness; however, even with the dead grass and barren trees, Jane found comfort in the nature around her. It was peaceful, and she had been longing to feel its soothing silence for weeks.

For the first time since before Jane left Newcastle with Harry and her father, Jane felt light and free of any burden. She wasn't running from anything, nor was someone chasing her. She felt freedom in that valley with no one watching her, knowing that no one was there to tell her to slow down or behave like a lady. With the wildness of nature surrounding her, Jane found herself to be one with the wind, unharnessed and untamed by those who sought to control her. For just a moment, Jane forgot about the life she had been living, instead coming to focus on the world before her as well as the beauty to be found from its dreariness.

But after a time, Jane began to realize just how far she had ridden, and so she changed her course to return to the place where she had left Lorraine. The ride was somewhat long; however, Jane was able to find Lorraine easily. She was sitting up against a large oak tree with a book in her hand, her eyes eagerly screening its pages for the next line. Lorraine looked up as she heard Jane approaching, an amused smile gracing her pretty mouth.

"Ah, there you are. I was beginning to think you had run off."

Jane laughed somewhat shakily at Lorraine's comment, knowing in her heart that if she could, she would indeed run away. But Jane had nowhere to go and no one with whom she could hope to live. London was so far away, and Harry– Jane didn't know where Harry was either.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize I had been gone so long." Pushing the dream of running away from her mind, Jane secured her mare as Lorraine had and came to sit beside her on the ground. "Riding just takes me somewhere else sometimes."

Lorraine hummed in agreement, "I understand. Nature has a way of easing distress; does it not?"

Jane felt somewhat uneasy about the tone of Lorraine's voice. There was something abnormally intentional about it that set her somewhat on edge, and she had a feeling that there were about to be several questions that Jane wouldn't like at all. Thus, she proceeded cautiously, wary of what Lorraine might ask her.

"Yes, I suppose you're right."

Jane's sudden shift in attitude did not go unnoticed by Lorraine. To her frustration, she could see that Jane was already beginning to close herself off again, and not knowing why placed a burden on her heart. All Lorraine wanted was to help Jane adjust to her new life by being her friend, but Jane's coldness was making that exceedingly difficult to accomplish. Nonetheless, she was determined to learn something that day, and her impatience made it so that she cared less than before about how Jane should feel about it.

"Jane, may I ask you something?" Jane looked up to Lorraine, trying to hide her wide eyes as she nodded in affirmation. "Right, well, I suppose it's just easier to ask bluntly than to dance around it for much longer, but I–" Lorraine paused as she formulated the proper way to phrase her question. "Jane, I need to know if you're alright. I know it's none of my business, but I can't help but think that I might be able to help you."

Jane lowered her eyes and stared at her hands in her lap, tracing the seam of her trousers that went down her thigh. She didn't want to answer Lorraine's inquiry; she was too afraid that if she did, she would say something she regretted. Lorraine couldn't know about Harry or how she had run away with him, but at the same time, Jane couldn't lie and tell her that she was fine. She knew she hadn't been discrete about her misery, despite her efforts, and now she was having to pay for it.

"It hasn't been easy," Jane said quietly, still not looking up into Lorraine's eyes. She was going to tell her that there had been someone else, but that was it. Her own actions with that unnamed person would also go unmentioned. "I wasn't ready to get married... to him."

Lorraine eyed Jane thoughtfully, quickly coming to understand her meaning. She was in love with someone else.

Lorraine proceeded carefully, framing her questions so as not to come off as too invasive, "I understand... marriage is no easy thing, even if you do love the person. Do you think– was there someone else that you had in mind before marrying James?"

"Yes," Jane forced herself to answer. "He wanted to marry me, but the Duke wouldn't allow it."

"Did you love him?'

The tears began to prickle at Jane's eyes as she thought of Harry and her love for him. She hadn't talked about Harry to anyone beside her father, and though it scared her to do so, Jane knew that speaking of him aloud for just a few moments would lighten the burden on her conscience.

"I love him still, with all my heart."

"Oh, my dear." Lorraine reached over and grasped Jane's hand in her own. "I'm so sorry."

Jane brushed the tears from her eyes and smiled weakly, hoping to avoid revealing any more information that might move herself to tears. She was okay with speaking freely, but the last thing she wanted to do was cry.

"It's okay. It's not your fault, and honestly, I thought it would be worse here."

"How so?"

"Well, you've been so welcoming that I almost forget about him for a few moments. It helps that James seems to want to avoid me at all costs, too. I don't know what's come over him, but I'm grateful. I'm not ready for him to... touch me."

Forgetting her regard for Jane's privacy, Lorraine gasped, "You mean you haven't consummated the marriage yet?"

Shyly, Jane shook her head and silently wished to herself that she hadn't even brought up James. She cursed herself for not guarding her tongue more carefully around Lorraine; the woman could get her to admit things she never thought she would.

"Oh, Jane." Lorraine shook her head in disapproval, her mind seeming to be feverishly working to communicate something; and judging by the distressed look in her eyes, Jane had a feeling that she was not going to like what Lorraine had to say at all. "Can I ask you something else?"

Jane nodded, though reluctantly.

"You said you weren't ready for James to touch you, which I understand, but is it because of the man you love?"

Jane's tried not to blush as she thought of the few times she and Harry had made love to one another. Of course, that was the reason for her aversion to James, but Lorraine could not know that. However kind her intentions were, Jane still knew that if Lorraine were to learn of what she and Harry had done, she would be in an extraordinarily dangerous position.

"Yes," Jane said sadly. "Every time I think of James touching me, I feel as if I'm betraying the man I love. I'm not ready to let him go just yet."

"You don't have a choice." Lorraine's voice was harsher than Jane was expecting it to be, and that threw her off her concentration. She began to panic. "I won't embarrass you by asking, but if what I suppose is true, then you truly have no other option."

Lorraine knew. Jane could see that in Lorraine's warm brown eyes, the woman had an understanding of her that Jane could not hope to explain. Was it that obvious she had lain with another man? If it was, then Jane knew that she would have to listen to what Lorraine was telling her, and that struck fear into her heart.

"I'm not saying this to scare you, Jane, but you must know that James is a very jealous man. He doesn't like when other people touch what he sees as his, and so if he were to find out about you and this other man, I am quite sure that he would not take it too well. I fear for you if that ever does happen."

Lorraine paused, knowing that her next words might be somewhat offensive, but nonetheless determining to say them anyway. Jane had to hear them.

"However much it may hurt you, you must not give him a reason to believe you were unfaithful to him, even if it took place before your marriage. You must go to him, at least once, so that he can't question your loyalty to him. In doing so, you solidify your place as the next duchess of this estate as well as your children's legitimacy."

Jane's cheeks burned with embarrassment, for Lorraine had all but exposed her for everything she had done. She couldn't be upset, though. Jane knew Lorraine was right, however much she wished for her not to be.

"Forgive me if I have assumed too much," Lorraine spoke gently, her eyes softening as she began to recall her own tragic past. It was rare for Lorraine to speak of her own unorthodox actions, but she could see that her own confession might encourage Jane to do what needed to be done. They were women, after all, and though they had little say in their lives, they had the strength to endure all that was inflicted upon them with dignity and silence.

Thus, Lorraine continued in hopes that Jane might really take what she was saying to heart, "But I remember a time when I was faced with the same circumstances which I have referenced. I was in love with another man when I married my second husband, and not even a week after I married that decrepit old man, I found myself to be with child."

Pausing, Lorraine smiled as she thought back on her past love. She never did tell him about his child, but often times, she found herself wondering what would have happened if she had. But those times were gone now, and it was useless to dwell on the past.

"My husband died just before my son was born, so he never found out the child wasn't his. I was so afraid the whole time that he would find out and disgrace me; it's terrible, but I felt such relief when the man fell ill. Given James's youth though, I don't think you would fare so fortunately as I did."

As Jane took in Lorraine's history, she couldn't help but feel more connected to this woman. They were far more similar than she had supposed, which only made Jane feel more obligation to listen to Lorraine's advice. Since marrying James, she hadn't once considered the possibility that she could be with child, and so Lorraine's suggestion quite honestly surprised her. Harry had promised her to be careful, and she had been confident in his promise; but now, she found herself questioning that security. What would happen to her if she turned out like Lorraine? The possibilities made Jane's head spin with anxiety.

"What are you thinking?"

Lorraine's voice brought Jane out of her panic-induced trance, but still, she was having difficulty making sense out of what was going through her mind. Though she felt comfortable with Lorraine given her her honesty, Jane still felt nervous about sharing too much. Nonetheless, Jane knew that Lorraine was right; and though she dreaded it, she was well aware of what must be done. She had hoped to avoid it for bit longer, but Jane could not ignore the fact that time was escaping her. She needed to act soon.

"I don't know," Jane said honestly. "I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to, you know, go about this."

"I understand... Well, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that it's immensely easier to share someone's bed when you're both drunk."

"You think I should get him drunk?"

Lorraine shrugged, "It wouldn't be hard. He drinks like he's trying to make up for the sobriety around him."

At this, Jane couldn't help but laugh, "You're right about that. I don't think I've seen him sober since before December. Even at the wedding, I could taste the alcohol on his breath."

"Well, then I say take advantage of that. Ask him to have a drink with you after dinner, and it'll be the last time you bother with him." Lorraine encouraged her with a smile, "Don't be afraid to have a few yourself, but make sure to take it slow. With how tiny you are, I would be careful about how much liquor you have."

"I'll keep that in mind," Jane laughed. "Thank you."

"Not to worry, my dear. Getting sick from it is no fun; believe me. I don't wish for you to follow in my footsteps on that one."

"No, I mean thank you... for the advice. I really appreciate it. It's nice to talk to someone who understands."

Lorraine's features softened as she saw how vulnerable Jane appeared to be in front of her; it made her think that maybe they were getting somewhere. Maybe Jane was beginning to see that she wasn't alone after all. Lorraine sure hoped so.

"Any time, Jane. Like I said to you before, I hope that you will feel free to confide in me. Though James is my nephew, I am on your side. He will never understand the struggles you or I have faced, and so I hope that we can find companionship in one another. I know I'm not your mother, but I see you as the daughter I never had, and I ardently desire for you to find happiness again. I know it is hard now, but it will get better. It always will."

And so Jane found hope in Lorraine's kindness towards her, knowing that even though she would never find love in her current position, she would undoubtedly never be alone. She had a friend, and it would be that friendship that helped her endure the years to come.

•••

Lorraine is a badass ngl lol what do y'all think?

Thanks for reading, my loves ily💖
-Kate💖