London, United Kingdom
June 1852

James took his time walking home that day, relishing in the sensation of the summer sun warming his skin and taking in the business of the city. The air was crisp and dry for once, a gentle breeze rolling through every once in a while to subdue the heat. As he walked the streets of London, James wondered whether Jane was enjoying the weather as much as he was, because when the weather was nice, he knew she liked to sit out in the garden to read. It would be the first place he checked for her when he returned.

When James arrived at home after his walk from his old office, he was met with a seemingly empty house, but he knew where everyone was likely to be. Jane though, was his first concern. He had promised her that as soon as he returned, he would tell her everything about his meeting with her grandfather, and so he hoped to honor that promise. Thus, James headed straight for the garden the moment he crossed the threshold of his foyer, though even as excited as he was to tell Jane about his success, he was also absurdly nervous to face her as well. He couldn't help but wonder if what he had done that morning would change anything between them.

With his cheeks flushed from his walk and his heart pounding in his ears, James hurriedly threw open the back door of his house and once again stepped out into the afternoon sun. His eyes scanned the small garden, immediately finding Jane's reclining figure upon a bench at the far end. She was just barely cloaked in the shade of the tall bushes behind her, but even so, the easy sunlight did wonders to illuminate her soft, golden curls. She didn't look up at him, not even when he began to cross the courtyard to reach her, which in some ways, James was grateful for. He hated to disturb her peace.

But of course, Jane did eventually notice him, owing to the gravel crunching beneath his boots, and when she did, her eyes widened with wonder and her brows knit together as they always did when she was anxious. Shutting her book and setting it down beside her, Jane quickly stood and came to meet him, only a few feet from where she had been sitting moments before.

"Well?" she asked, her tone of voice teetering the edge between excitement and fear. Her blue eyes seemed wild in the sunlight, but there dwelled a hope in them that encouraged James to speak. He hadn't let her down this time; he was sure of it.

"It's done," James answered her, daring to reveal how pleased he was with himself by a slight grin. "Henry was furious, but it's done. We're free of him."

The wildness in Jane's eyes retreated as her shoulders relaxed and she took a half step back, almost as if she had had the wind knocked out of her. She opened her mouth to speak several times, but no words came out, until at last, all she could do was laugh. The smile on Jane's face took James aback for a moment, because truly, as long as they had been married, he couldn't ever remember her expressing so much joy, especially not in response to something he had done. The realization of this made him a little less nervous to talk to her now than before.

"I can't believe this," she said, shaking her head and laughing softly. "I didn't ever think that this day would actually come and play out the way we wanted."

"Me either." James smiled with her. "I was sure I would do something stupid to soil everything if I'm honest."

Jane looked at him for several moments, apparently contemplating her words, but she soon sighed and changed the subject, asking him to recount to her how the meeting had gone. James obliged, and they sat down on the bench behind them; however, before he began the telling of his morning, he couldn't help but wonder what Jane had wanted to say. Surely, she thought him to be even more incapable than he thought of himself, and that was why she didn't say anything to either deny or concur with his self-deprecating comment. Not that he blamed her if she did––after all, he had rarely given her any reason to think well of him––but still, her silence struck him and reminded him once again of just how much he had to prove to her. This thing with Henry was just the beginning.

When James finished the telling of his morning, Jane leaned back happily against the bench and laughed, "I wish I could have been there to see his face. I'm sure no one has ever humiliated him like that before."

"If I hadn't been so nervous, I probably would have laughed," James answered, glad to see that Jane seemed so pleased with him. "But as it turns out, it's difficult to be smug around him."

"It does take practice, I'll give you that."

"Thankfully, I won't need more practice. I think from now on, the only time we'll see each other is at public events." James frowned as he remembered the one enduring connection that remained between him and Henry Pelham, "That is, unless you ever wanted to see them again. They are your family, after all, so I'd understand if you ever wanted to..."

"No," Jane interjected, surprising him as her previously joy-filled expression souring at the thought of ever having to encounter her grandparents again. But then, almost as quickly as it had come upon her, the malice in her eyes melted away, and she spoke softly, "I appreciate that you would offer, but no... I don't think I'll ever ask that of you, not after everything."

"If you're sure..."

"I am, and I'm also sure that we need to celebrate tonight." An excited grin swept across Jane's face and she turned to face James more fully, "So, I asked Mrs. Watson if she would make your favorite tonight, and... I know what I said before, but I think given the circumstances, an exception can be made. We have some of the good French champagne, and––"

"No," James cut her off quickly, his tone sounding far more harsh than he had intended. But he couldn't help it. In truth, hearing the one person who was motivating him to stay sober offering him alcohol startled him, and he knew that if he took what Jane was offering him, his strength would all but desert him, and everything would be ruined. One glass of champagne that night meant a whole bottle later.

But Jane couldn't possibly know any of that. James had been careful to conceal just how much he was struggling with sobriety from her, so she couldn't possibly know why he might respond so aggressively to what she would think was a kind gesture. And it was a kind gesture; it was just one that James could not possibly accept.

Jane's excited demeanor flattened when James rejected her offering, which immediately filled him with regret. He wished he wouldn't speak to her like that.

Softening, James bit the inside of his lip and sighed. He hoped he hadn't just ruined this pleasant moment between them. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I just... I can't have any champagne. It's too..." James trailed off, shaking his head; he didn't exactly want to admit how challenging fulfilling her wishes was proving to be. "I don't know. I just can't."

James looked away from his wife, hoping that she would accept his answer and they could move on, but he knew her well enough to know that she would not so easily ignore his struggles. He would have to confess his weakness to her, which meant she would likely think even less of him than she already did. She would be ashamed of him, and he would have no reason to question why.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, which caught James off guard. There was far more sympathy in her voice than he dared hope for or expect. "I didn't realize... I should have known..."

Encouraged by the lack of judgement in her words, yet saddened by the guilt she seemed to be feeling, James smiled weakly, "Please, don't apologize, and you shouldn't have known... you shouldn't have to know what it's like to be married to a drunk, and you certainly shouldn't have to cater to me. I'm going to have to get over this on my own, no matter how difficult it proves to be."

Jane was quiet for several moments, just looking at James until the conflict in her eyes faded and she at last settled on something to say, "You're right... No one can overcome this for you, but I think you can do it."

"You do?" James asked, failing to mask the excitement in his voice. If Jane thought he was capable of conquering himself, then maybe he actually could.

"Of course I do," Jane answered earnestly, though whether she was trying to assure him or herself of her answer, James was uncertain. Regardless, he had little time to think on it as she then flashed him a teasing smile, "And don't let this get to your head, but you're much less unpleasant to talk to than before, so I think it's fair to say you're definitely doing something right."

At this, James couldn't help but laugh. Even though she was laughing somewhat at his expense, he was glad that she felt she could joke with him. After all, she never really had before, so this new aspect of their relationship was one that James looked forward to experiencing more fully in the weeks to come.

"I suppose I deserve that," James admitted, feeling his cheeks warm with embarrassment. "And I hope to become better than just 'less unpleasant' at some point... with time, I imagine."

Jane's smile faltered upon hearing his reply, her voice softening, "I only said that to tease you... Truly, I see the efforts you are making, and I appreciate them. And not just today. You have been kinder to me and to everyone here; your aunt has even said something to me about it."

"I'm glad you think so," James smiled faintly. He wasn't so used to being praised, least of all by Jane, but he could admit to himself that he thoroughly enjoyed it, even if it was about something so small as learning to be kind. It was a silly thing to be proud of though, that much James could see; he should have been kind from the beginning, not six months into his marriage. Thus, his brief moment of self-accomplishment fled and was once again replaced with his well-deserved guilt. He had a long way to go before he could even begin to think well of himself, and so did Jane.

Before Jane could see his fleeting moment of pride, James bowed his head and added, "I'm just sorry it wasn't sooner."

A silence followed that James dare not break. He could feel Jane thinking beside him, and he didn't presume to interrupt. Whatever she would say to him would contain more truth than his already shattered pride could likely handle; nonetheless, he would take it for her. He had stifled her voice for too long.

"I am too," Jane said at last, her voice even and calm. She didn't sound angry with him, nor even condemning, which surprised James. If their roles were reversed, he couldn't imagine ever looking at himself with anything less than disdain, but the fact that Jane didn't gave him hope. "But there's no point in wishing now, nor is there any reason to dwell on the past. All we can do is try to be better, I suppose, even though it'll be difficult."

Astounded by her continued willingness to look beyond his actions, James shook his head and feebly answered her, "You are too gracious."

"Maybe," she sighed, "But I promised that as long as you showed me that you were trying to change, I would try to forgive. As far as I know, you've kept your end of the deal, so I must keep mine."

"As far as you know? What do you mean?"

"I don't know... You're rarely here, so honestly, I have no idea what you're out doing during the day."

"I haven't broken my promise. I haven't tasted even wine since that night. Your father knows. He... he has helped me a great deal."

"I believe you," Jane said. "But I must say, I'm surprised that you would have gone to him for help. I thought you would have wanted to keep that from him."

"That might have been the smart thing to do, but at the time, I was too much a mess to hide what was happening... He saw me struggling before the real torture even began, and I had no one to turn to but him." Shocked by himself for having admitted so much of his challenges with Jane, James laughed dryly and added, "And unsurprisingly, none of my friends have ever tried to stop drinking before, so they wouldn't have understood the way your father does. They still wouldn't..."

Jane frowned, "What do you mean? I thought you had been seeing them?"

"No." James paused for a moment, thinking of how best to explain the nature of his friendships to his wife, though now that he thought about it, repeating any of their pastimes to her seemed inappropriate. Or more accurately, he was too embarrassed by his actions to tell her of them; if she only knew how crude and immoral they really were, surely, she would never trust that he could be who she needed him to be. "No, I haven't seen them in a few weeks now."

"May I ask why?"

The last thing James wanted to do was explain to Jane why he couldn't stand to be around his friends any longer; however, he knew that if he did, he might have a better chance at regaining some of her trust. After all, if she knew why he wasn't even seeing his friends, perhaps she might realize that he was trying to fix himself in far more ways than just giving up drinking. Surely, that would count for something, and she might be inclined to allow him some freedoms.

"Yes, of course..." he answered her. "It's just, um, they would make it more challenging for me to fulfill my promise to you, and I just... I can't be around that right now. It's becoming difficult though; I'm running out of excuses, and they're as persistent as ever. I wonder..." James shook his head as his courage fled from him. He couldn't ask Jane about going away; Thomas had already given him an answer, and he should leave it at that. "No, nevermind. I can't ask that of you."

Jane's interest, however, had been already piqued. "Maybe you can," she told him. "What is it?"

Hesitating and wishing he hadn't said anything at all, James looked down to his hands and began fiddling with his wedding ring as he had often done in recent weeks. It reminded him that he really was bound to her for life, and if they were going to have any sort of functioning relationship, he needed to trust her with his fears as well as his needs. This was one of them.

"I wonder if maybe I should go away for a time?" he said plainly, still keeping his eyes focused on his hands. But even though he couldn't see the surprise in Jane's expression, he could hear it clearly in her voice.

"What?"

"Just for a few weeks so I can sort myself out and figure out who I want to be without the alcohol," James explained himself, glancing nervously over at her. "I, um, I know that the drinking thing isn't the only thing I have to give up... I think I've known for a while, but I can't keep the friends I have now if I want any change I make to last... I just don't–– I don't think I'm ready to have that conversation with them yet."

"And so you think running away would put off that conversation?"

"I'm not trying to run away, but yes... that's part of it."

"What's the other part then?"

"I just need to be away from this city for a little while. There's too much to tempt me here, and I'd like to take a break from it all..." James paused, forcing himself to meet Jane's clear, blue eyes. Her expression was softer than he had anticipated, but nonetheless filled with curiosity and the desire to understand. He just hoped his words would help her to do so. "I have history here that I need to sort through... I can't–– I won't have my issues with my father come in between us again, because what I did to you––" James shook his head and fixed his eyes pointedly at the ground, "I'm going to change."

"Where would you go?" Jane asked him calmly, her lack of skepticism setting James's nerves at ease. She wasn't trying to fight him on this, which surprised him, so much so that he hardly knew the answer to her question. He had spent so much time worrying about whether she would allow him to leave that he had hardly considered at all where he might go.

"I don't know," he said, slightly alarmed by his own lack of forethought. "The country, I suppose, maybe somewhere North. I haven't really thought much about the details..."

Jane nodded thoughtfully, "And who would go with you?"

"Sorry?"

"Who would go with you?" Jane repeated, and when she saw James's confused expression, she added, "I'm not going to tell you you can't go if you think it's what you need, but you can't go alone. Surely, you see why? There's no way for me to know if you're really doing what you say you are."

"I'm not— I'm not trying to hide anything from you, I swear," James answered earnestly. "Really, I'd just like some time away from all the noise. I think it would be helpful for me in the long run, because honestly, my strength is dwindling, and I need it to be easier for a little while now that this thing with Henry is done."

"I'm sorry it is so difficult for you––I really am––but I stand by what I said... you can't go alone."

"Who could go with me, then?"

Jane frowned, "I don't think he'll want to, but I suppose my father could... that is, if it's only for a little while. How long do you think you would need?"

"I don't know," James answered quietly. "No more than a month, though I expect it to be shorter than that. I don't want to leave you here on your own for too long."

"That's not so long," Jane said. "I suppose if you could get my father to agree to go with you, I wouldn't be opposed to it."

"Really?"

"No. If you think it'll help you, I want you to go."

James's eyes widened upon hearing the conviction in Jane's voice, and at the same time, his stomach tightened and sunk in his belly. To be sure, he was shocked that she would so easily comply with his request, but he was more concerned with the familiar feeling of rejection filling his chest. She wanted him to leave; she couldn't have been more clear about that. It made him wonder if there would ever be a day that she would want him to stay, though given the circumstances, he was quick to find a negative conclusion. She was trying to forgive him, yes, but there wasn't a thing in the world that could ever make her forget. Jane would never really want him.

But of course, James couldn't express that to her. He had been the one to ask about going away, and the fact that Jane was allowing him to go spoke largely to her graciousness, not her cruelty. There was no place for him to sulk about feeling rejected.

"Thank you," he forced himself to say, then falling silent and once again letting his eyes fall to his hands. He didn't trust himself enough to not say something stupid now that his emotions were fogging his mind. "I, um, I'll let you get back to your reading..." James said after a time, standing and shoving his hands in his pockets. "I should go find Thomas to tell him how it went with Henry."

"Yes, of course," Jane answered, watching him with a vague curiosity as he bowed stiffly and turned on his heel to leave.

James walked away without another word, feeling somewhat satisfied by their conversation, but not at all how he had expected to in the face of his success that morning. Jane had been happy with him at first, and perhaps she still was; however, it was his fault that their conversation had taken the somewhat somber direction it had gone. Of course, he did normally ruin things, even a happy day such as that one. And to make matters worse, James was on his way to face Thomas, who would likely make him feel bad for even asking Jane about taking a personal holiday for himself. He didn't look forward to that conversation. He supposed though, that there was one positively good thing that came from his conversation with Jane, and that was that she was at least beginning to forgive him. It was a start, but James knew that the road that lay ahead of him would be long and hard. James just prayed that as he fought to find redemption, Jane would see and reward his change.

•••

Moved back to school last week and I'll be starting classes in a little over a week. I'm kinda really nervous bc I was invited to take a class at the Law School, so I'll be jumping from undergrad level to basically doctorate level classes and I am ~unprepared~ lol wish me luck!

I hope everyone is doing well!!
Thank you all for reading!
-kate💖