London, United Kingdom
September 1853

Several moments passed in a blur during which James vaguely heard his father-in-law arguing with the doctor about Jane and her fate. He could hardly comprehend the words passing between them, but one thing was clear to him: he couldn't lose Jane. She was no woman to be cast away for the sake of preserving his line.

Gathering himself, James shakily pushed himself from the floor and approached Thomas and the doctor, who was trying to calmly explain something complicated and medical that Thomas just couldn't seem to grasp. James, however, couldn't have cared less about what it was they were saying; he needed to be heard.

"You'll try everything," he said, silencing the doctor with a commanding voice.

The older gentleman started, but nodded in a slight panic. "Your Grace. O-of course, I–"

James cut him off. "No, sir. I don't think you understand me. I mean everything. I don't care if you're moments away from dying of exhaustion. You will not spare any energy or expense in keeping that woman in there alive. Do you understand?"

The doctor glanced nervously between James and Thomas, but found no friend in either of them. "Yes, Your Grace. Of course, but–"

"What?"

"I urge you to prepare yourself for the worst..." the doctor reluctantly advised. His voice was even out of mere habit, but there was a fear in his eyes that spoke to what he knew James could do to him if he should fail. "Forgive me, Your Grace, but there is a limit to what I or any other physician can do... If it comes to it and I need a decision, I won't have much time for you to deliberate."

Hearing once again that he'd need to make a choice between his wife and his child made James see red again. It wasn't a choice. Jane had to live.

But as Jane cried out in the room next door, it occurred to him that she might not feel the same way. Having seen her nervous excitement over the prospect of becoming a mother in the last weeks, James knew the decision for her would not be so easy. If it was easy, he was sure she would take the opposing side and give her life for their child's. He hadn't ever considered a reality in which he might be alone in raising his heir, but now that it was such a strong possibility, he found himself even more light-headed than before. He didn't know the first thing about rearing children.

"Did my wife tell you what she would wish?" James managed to inquire, dismissing his panic in hopes for a favorable answer. Perhaps he was wrong, and he wouldn't have to be alone after all. The doctor, once again, proved to be useless.

"No, Your Grace. I did not ask."

James glanced at his father-in-law then returned his bitter gaze towards the rather shaken physician.

"I'll speak with her," he said, "Then you'll begin."

The doctor nodded then hastily stepped away, leaving Thomas and James alone in the hallway. James shut his eyes and sighed, mentally preparing himself to see the pain he had inflicted on the one woman who deserved it least. There was already much he couldn't forgive himself for; how could he manage Jane's death on his hands, too?

"James," Thomas's voice interrupted his thoughts, prompting him to look up. If it was possible, Thomas looked perhaps even more solemn that James did. His eyes were glassy and his face was pale. When he looked at James, James knew very well that he was about to ask something of him that would cause him great distress. "Before you go in there, I– um, I need to ask you a favor."

James frowned, "Now?"

"It's Jane," Thomas answered shakily, his blue eyes looking to James in supplication. "Please, you have to– you can't let her decide. She's all I have left; you have to choose her even if she won't choose herself."

Stunned, James stared at his father-in-law in disbelief. It hadn't occurred to him that Thomas would ever do anything to interrupt Jane's wishes, whatever they may be. It seemed to contradict everything Thomas had ever told him about earning her trust and affection. Had he not been told to wait on her? To let her decide what their relationship was? To let her decide everything? But now, when it concerned her very life, Thomas advised him to take that control away from her.

In an instant, James knew that he couldn't do what his father-in-law was asking of him. Jane would never forgive him for it.

Swallowing hard, James shook his head slightly and answered him, "I will try to make her see reason, but what you ask..."

Stepping forward urgently, Thomas raised his voice and shouted angrily, "What I ask is the least you can do for a father who ought to have killed you a long time ago!" James stared back with unrestrained surprise but knew well that Thomas was quite right. His words were nothing more than what he had already considered himself. "You've hurt the one person in the world that I care about in ways I abhor to imagine, and now she's paying for it with her life! How could you possibly consider living with yourself if she died today, delivering the child you forced on her?"

Shaking his head and glaring at James through tears, Thomas backed away and wearily pointed at him, "You will make this right. You'll save her."

Not knowing what to say or do, James hurriedly excused himself and turned to enter Jane's bedroom. It was quiet now, but he was more flustered than he knew how to overcome. How could he honor Jane's wishes when her father commanded otherwise?

Though he wasn't sure he was ready for what he might see on the other side of Jane's bedroom door, James took a deep breath and shakily tapped his knuckles against the wood. Moments later, the door was opened to him by a maid, who looked just as pale as he did. It was clear to everyone then that things were not progressing as they ought.

"I'd like to speak with my wife... if she will see me," he said solemnly, looking beyond the maid and seeing Jane curled up on her side with her back to him. His heart ached to see her in such a state, doubtlessly in more pain than she was letting on to anyone. Though it was impossible, he wished it was him who could feel it all instead of her. He wished just once that he could be the reason pain was taken from her instead of given.

When he was admitted to the room, James immediately went to Jane's bedside and knelt down beside her. The nurses stepped away and watched as he took the wet cloth from the basin on the side table, wrung it out and used it to wipe the sweat that had gathered on Jane's brow. She was crying silently, her eyes squeezed shut and her hands fisting the dampened sheets of her bed. Her eyes flew open when James first touched her, meeting his worried gaze and subsequently shutting them again in anguish.

"I already know," she cried quietly. "You don't have to tell me."

Hearing the sound of her broken voice only made James's heart wrench with guilt. This was his fault. Everything was.

Bowing his head, James returned the cloth to the basin and sat silently for several moments. He hadn't the slightest clue as to what he could say. Thomas's words echoed in his mind, and he was tempted to heed them. But looking at the girl whose happiness he had single-handedly destroyed made James certain that he could never take another thing from her again. Unless she asked him to decide, she had to have her choice.

"Jane, I–" James cleared his throat and shook his head. This was never something he should have had to do. "I need to ask you something."

Jane opened her eyes, though James could see she was reluctant. Her eyes wouldn't meet his; nonetheless, he had to go on.

"The doctor said– he said we may have to choose."

James's words hung heavily between them, but the room was far from silent. The nurses who were still standing there in the room gasped; one even turned away and began to cry. James glanced at them, touched by the affection they held for his wife, then returned his attention to Jane. She was looking at him now, her eyes reddened by tears.

"He wants you to choose between me and your son?" Jane managed quietly. Her voice was hoarse, but her tone was even, like she had been expecting him to say as much.

James nodded.

"Well?"

Stunned by Jane's unfeeling inquiry, James told her, "I'm– Jane, I'm not making this decision without you. It's your life; you should have a say in it."

Jane's eyes shot up towards James's face, but otherwise, she did not move.

"Do you mean that?"

Without hesitating, James nodded, though he knew he might regret it. Jane held his gaze for several moments, searching his face as if to find any indication that he was lying, until at last, he saw her shoulders relax.

"It can't be me," she said at last, and James felt his heart sink so low he swore it'd never come up again. Jane was exactly the woman he thought she was.

Bowing his head, James sighed and tried to maintain his composure. He didn't want to pressure her, but at the same time, he wanted her to know her loss would be felt by everyone, but mostly him. He thought of what Jane's father wanted him to say but forced it away. It wasn't about changing her mind; it was about making her know his love for her.

"Please, James," Jane said quietly, and James looked up at her to find that she had pushed herself up into a sitting position. She had tears in her eyes, and she held her hand out to him, inviting him to stand and sit beside her on the bed.

James took the invitation silently, though his mind was so clouded he could hardly manage any words at all. As determined as he was to defer to Jane's wishes, he didn't like where this was going, and he wished for a moment that she could be just a little more selfish. Maybe then he wouldn't have to say goodbye to her before they'd even been married a year.

Jane squeezed James's hand as he sat on the edge of the bed so that they were facing each other.

"I– um," Jane cleared her throat and lowered her eyes to fixate on his hand between hers. She rubbed her thumb across his palm and spoke softly to him. "I know this hasn't ever been something you've wanted... to have a baby and be a father..."

James wanted to say something to assure her that he had changed, that his outlook was different now, but he couldn't. Even before all this, he had been terrified at the prospect of becoming a father, but that fear had only grown exponentially now that he might have to do it alone.

"But... I– James, if you care for me at all, you won't try to tell me I'm making a mistake. I know I'm not. I know I–" Jane's voice cracked. "I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I knew I had chosen my life over his."

Feeling Jane's hands trembling around his own, James forced himself to ignore his emotions and cater to hers. He was scared, but he knew his fear was likely nothing compared to the fear Jane was probably feeling.

"I won't try to change your mind," James said solemnly, looking at Jane's face and finding her eyes still fixed on their hands. Though James perhaps should have thought better of it, he moved closer to her then brought the top of her hand up to his mouth. His kissed it softly, then his lips hovered over her skin as he hesitated to speak or take any other action. There was too much to say, too much to resolve before he was separated from her forever. He would have to be efficient with his time.

At that moment, however, Jane gasped and quickly drew her hand back. When James looked up at her, he saw her head bowed and her eyes squeezed shut. A soft whimper fell from her lips as her hands grasped the sheets, tensing her whole body but somehow managing to breathe steadily through her labor pains.

"What can I do?" James asked frantically, looking from Jane's shaking shoulders to the nurses who merely watched on at him. Finding no help there, he turned back to Jane who shook her head in exasperation. It was unbearable to see her like this, to see her broken again because of him. The guilt was enough to make him want to run and hide, but he knew he couldn't leave her now. He had to do something.

"You– you can hold onto me if you need to," he offered, though as soon as the words left his mouth, James was sure he sounded stupid. He just wanted to be of help, and if that meant replacing the sheets Jane had fisted in each palm, he was glad to do it. But that, he knew, was the bare minimum.

Nonetheless, James was shocked when Jane desperately reached out and grasped his arm, squeezing it tightly and leaning forward to rest her head against his shoulder. Though the force of her hold on him instinctively made him want to pull away, James remained steady and tentatively reached up with his other arm to rub the tension from her upper back.

"Make it stop," Jane cried weakly into him, and James's heart yet again wrenched with guilt. He knew very well that there was nothing he could do, especially not now that Jane had made her decision.

Not knowing what else to say, James apologized to her quietly, over and over until at last, Jane's shoulders relaxed and she began to breathe more evenly. She looked up at him, her face blotchy and beaded with sweat, then shaking her head, she sighed heavily.

"Will you promise me you won't pick me?" Jane forced out, still not completely recovered from the spasm that had taken hold of her. "I know you said you're not going to try to change my mind, but I need to hear you say you'll do as I ask."

James was quiet for several moments as he looked into his wife's tired eyes. Whatever he told her now, he knew she would trust him this time. He had earned that much, but now he wished he hadn't. If she didn't trust him, she wouldn't ask him to make this promise, and there would be no opportunity for him to break it. Now though, his next words would bind them both in ways he scarcely wanted to imagine.

"It will be as you say," James said quietly, and he knew that was it. He had to keep his word. He would have to let her die.

Feeling his chest tighten and his sinuses begin to sting, James looked down and focused on Jane's hand still grasping his arm. He blinked several times to flush the moisture from his eyes but to no avail. Reality was hitting him harder than his will to compose himself could overcome.

"James?"

James didn't want to look up for the tears that now spilled over his lash line, but he couldn't deny Jane, not now. Wiping at his eyes, James lifted his head and gave Jane his attention.

"Yes?"

Frowning as she observed him, Jane let go of James's arm and peered into his glassy blue eyes. She hesitated but took his hand once again in her own.

"This is the right thing," she said softly. "And– and if it counts for anything, know that this– our life– I was happy... in the end."

At Jane's words, James's resolve crumbled, and his chest felt like it was caving in on him. He wept openly without regard to everyone in the room watching him.

How could this be it? How could he have put in all this work to please Jane and gain her trust only for this to be the result? It made him wish he'd never done any of it. Maybe then he wouldn't feel the loss so savagely and he'd be able to take it like a man. As it was then, however, the last thing he felt was a man. He felt like a kid again, losing the most important woman in his life just as he had lost his mother all those years before. It had been his father's fault his mother died; now, it was James's fault Jane would follow in her footsteps. The thought made him despise himself even more. He had become his father; he had killed the woman he loved.

"It'll be alright," Jane urged him. "You'll see. It just– will be something different than what we imagined, and that's– it's okay."

"No, it's not, Jane. Don't you see that?" James looked up at his wife through teary eyes. "I know I have no right to complain. I deserve to feel this– this pain. I deserve this and so much more for what I put you through, but you don't deserve to die! How could that ever be okay?"

It was then that James saw the tears in Jane's eyes and wished he had remained silent. Of course it wasn't okay. Of course she was scared and didn't want this to be happening. He should be comforting her, not bringing her down to know of his misery or to feel the unfairness of it all. She felt it probably more than he did. It was her life after all. She was the one having to face death, not him, and James couldn't imagine what that must be like.

Lifting his hand up to Jane's cheek and brushing her tears away with his thumb, James sighed heavily, "Forgive me. I– that was selfish of me to... of me to say that to you. You–" James cleared his throat and blinked several times to keep the tears at bay. "You're right. It will be okay. The doctor will turn the baby, and this won't even be an issue."

Jane shook her head, "James–"

"And if he doesn't, that'll be okay too," James interrupted her. "Our child will be loved. By me, by their grandfather, and their aunt."

"James–" Jane tried to interrupt again as her tears continued to fall. It would seem James's words weren't helping calm her spirits; nonetheless, they were words James felt he needed to say. At the very least, James wanted Jane to rest easy knowing that if it came to it, her sacrifice wouldn't be for nothing.

"And I'll tell them about their mother," James continued, not bothering to check himself as looked upon Jane's face. Her eyes were squeezed tightly shut, and her chest rose and fell rapidly like her emotions were fighting her to come out but she refused to let them. James had to be quick. "I'll tell them about her strength and cleverness, her kindness, resilience, and passion for life and art and learning. I'll tell them about her beauty and how absurdly lucky I was to have been married to so great a woman... they'll know she loved them..."

James paused, taking a deep breath before his next words. Speaking them aloud might have been selfish, but he could hardly keep himself at bay now that he had begun voicing his true feelings. He loved her, but it wasn't selfish like it might have been at one time. He didn't love her because he thought he might one day earn her love in return and subsequently reinstate a physical relationship with her. He loved her. Her mind, her humor, her ability to look past everything he had done for the sake of her child. It didn't make sense to him how someone could be so selfless and so willing to forget their own hatred, hurt and anger. He longed for that kind of strength, though he knew it'd never come close to measuring up to Jane's. He admired and respected her, and he loved her for being every good thing he longed to be.

It felt only right that she should know that before it was too late, at least for her own peace of mind that James would introduce their child to the possibility of a loving marriage. If they couldn't see it first-hand between them, James thought it would at least set Jane's mind at ease to know that their child would grow up believing that their parents loved each other. Maybe then when it was their turn to marry, the legend of their parents' love might encourage them to find a love match too. Such an opportunity had not presented itself to either of them at the time they married, and James hoped to change that for his child. He had a feeling Jane might want that too.

"They'll know..." he went on, though his heart had never beat so fast in his life. "What we had was– was... they'll know I loved their mother very much," James finally admitted, and to his surprise, it felt like a weight had fallen from his shoulders. Saying it out loud felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Nonetheless, Jane's eyes flew open the moment the words left his mouth. James's heart beat wildly as she stared back at him, lips parted and a clear expression of absolute bewilderment. There was doubt as well, James realized, and a look of turmoil that pinched her brows. Suddenly, he felt bad he had said anything.

"You don't need to say anything," James assured her softly, thinking that she was probably trying to find a way to tell him she didn't feel that way about him. "I just.. I wanted you to know that this... you've become my closest friend, and I wish this wasn't happening to us, but I... I understand why you're choosing this, and if you think it's the right thing, then it probably is. You've been right about everything else..."

"Thank you," Jane said, squeezing her eyes shut and sighing heavily. "Thank you."

Then Jane opened her eyes and grasped his hand between hers, bringing it up to her mouth. Her lips brushed his skin, and James shivered at the warmth.

"You've been a good friend to me these past weeks," she said. "I thank you for that. It makes this... easier, in a way." James frowned. "I know you'll do well without me and that our baby won't have to know the cruelty we have."

James's chest flooded with panic. How could she possibly be so sure of him, that he wouldn't revert back to his old self without realizing it and ruin their child's life as his father ruined his? He didn't have near as much faith in himself as she seemed to; even then, he craved the feeling of liquor in his belly to numb himself to what he was feeling. He wanted to drown in himself and not have to confront the rest of the day, because he knew there was no way he could stomach it. He was going to do or feel something he'd regret anyway; might as well get ahead of it and make it something he could at least control.

"I know you don't think you can," Jane said, almost like she was reading his mind. "But you can. You'll get through this, and you'll be a good father. If you meant anything you've said today, or the last few weeks, I know you will."

Jane squeezed his hand and laughed softly to herself, "And if you think you won't be, just know my father won't let that happen."

James had to smile at her teasing threat; of course she could still make jokes at a time like this.

"Let's hope he won't have to rough me up too bad," James managed to say. "I think he's got a lot of rage towards me."

"Probably," Jane smiled, "But you're my husband. He won't really hurt you."

"I hope so."

At that moment a knock came on the door, then it swung open, revealing Lorraine and the doctor behind her.

"I'm sorry," she said, "But the doctor needs to check her again."

Jane and James turned their head from them and looked at each other, panic mirrored in one another's expressions.

"It's going to be okay," James said to her, his voice strong and convincing. "Whatever happens, you can do this. I know you can."

Jane nodded then surprised him by reaching out and wrapping his arms around his neck. Stunned momentarily, James froze and almost didn't know what to do, though he was quick to figure it out. Returning Jane's embrace, James hugged her tightly and savored those final moments engulfed in her touch, knowing it was likely to be the last. His eyes stung so he shut them and waited for her to pull away. She didn't for several moments.

"Thank you," she said again to him, so quiet that James nearly missed it. But then she pulled away and looked at him with clear eyes and an easy smile that made James's heart tremble with sadness. She was everything good, and she wasn't going to be there for much longer. "I'll be okay."

James inhaled shakily and stood from the bed, though he kept his eyes focused on hers. Then, without realizing what he was doing until he was doing it, he leant down and cupped her cheek in his hand. She looked up at him, but there was no alarm in her expression. She shut her eyes as James gently placed a kiss on the top of her hair, and it seemed to him that she knew exactly what it meant.

Goodbye. I love you.

James left his wife's bedchamber, passing quickly by the doctor and leaving instructions that would change his life forever. If it came to it, the doctor ought to save the child.

Thomas tried to speak with James as he exited the room, no doubt inquiring after what decision had been made, but James paid him no attention. He passed silently by him and descended the stairs and into a sitting room that was equipped with a bookcase, several couches, a bar, and a piano. James shut himself in and began to pace, his mind racing with things he wished he had said as well as the temptation that he could change his mind. What harm would come from him choosing Jane, despite her wishes? She had forgiven him once; surely, she could forgive him again.

Before James knew what he was doing, he was throwing things against the wall, his favorites being those that shattered upon impact. The liquor went first, if only for tempting him and igniting further irritation. He wanted to drink, but if he couldn't and he was forced to feel everything the day was putting on him, it felt good to at least diffuse some of his anger. He knew if he didn't, it would only be directed towards someone who didn't deserve it.

James continued to break things until he sunk to the floor and bowed his head between his knees, rocking as ceaselessly as the tears that flowed from his eyes. He was surrounded by shards of glass and broken furniture, and the smell of the booze saturated the air and made him dizzy with need. This couldn't be it, he thought. This couldn't be the end for her.

For the second time in his life, James prayed. His words were sincere and characterized by desperation; there wasn't a part of him that believed he could do anything. If there was a god, it was up to Him to intervene.

Repenting of everything he had ever done, James begged for forgiveness and this one favor. He swore to himself and to God above that if Jane lived, he would be more caring, more generous, both with his family and others. He would lead his family in the way of righteousness, whatever that meant; he could figure it out later. He would forswear alcohol forever and pursue his wife as he should have before, but only if he could be sure his motive was pure. He would be good; he swore he would make every effort to be so until his last breath. Relapse would be out of the question so long as Jane lived to see another day.

James sat in silence for what felt like hours, not daring to move or interrupt the silent pleas he made for Jane's life. He needed her to live.

His aunt came to see him at one point, but he forced her out. She needed to be by Jane's side, not his. Whatever torment he felt, he was sure Jane's was a hundred times worse, if only because of the sound of her faint crying that drifted in through the hallway. He wanted to do something, to hold her, but he knew any inquiry would be fruitless. He had to wait, and so wait he did.

•••

Fear not, I'm doing a triple update so there's not going to be a year long wait to find out what happens lol

- Kate