FOUR || Fights And Feelings And Other Frustrating Things

Eden pulls a pair of high top sneakers off the rack. "So, did you guys get spicy or what?"

I can't believe this boy is my best friend. But then again, he did buy me a pair of super-expensive Nike Airs, so I guess he's good for something. "Come on. You guys went back to your room and just - what? Talked? You're hiding something." He holds up a pair of blue Converse. "Do you think these would look nice?"

"Yeah. But try the floral ones first. That's more your style." I look down at my phone, at a text my eyes have been glued to for the last two minutes. A text from Maxine. Yo. Last night was cool. Wud love to hang out again, smth not about studying. I mean, if ur down. Gangster Genghis says hi, btw.

Oh, how I hate her and love her at the same time. Eden is lacing up the floral sneakers he's trying on, but he's looking at me, with a suspicious look. "How's Dalla?" I ask, quick before he can say anything. It's foolproof. Eden never passes up a chance to talk about his girlfriend.

He notices the obvious change in subject, but ignores it in favour of Dalla. Which is a pretty yeehaw name, if you ask me, but the girl's actually pretty nice. One of those artsy girls, you know, with brown curls and green eyes.

"Oh, she's wonderful," he sighs, and launches into a tirade on dresses and art and Victorian paintings, an interest no doubt ignited by Dalla's interest in them herself. It buys me time to text Maxine back.

Shut up. Genghis Khan's ghost is probably plotting to kill u rn.

I'd love to hang out again too.

I contemplate sending more, but I just stop there, since her reply comes back almost immediately, like she'd waited to launch it on me.

Y would Big G do that 2 me?

No wonder baby boomers don't understand our sense of humour. I don't understand it myself.

And it's surprising, too, because Maxine is funniner than she seems. It's horrible and amazing at the same time, because it makes me more infatuated with her. Damn it.

Speaking of damnation, Eden notices my grip loosening on my phone and plucks it out of my hand. "Thank you!" He chirps, and I call him a very undignified name. He can handle it.

"Last night?" He quotes, wiggling his eyebrows as a smile breaks out across his face. I snatch the phone back as a smile spreads across his face. He doesn't make any effort to keep it or grab it back, so I deduce that I truly am in trouble. Rolling my eyes, I stomp off to the corner of the Converse store.

"Go off, Eden."

↠↞

Mr. Greenston claps his hands as the bell rings, signifying the end of class. Amongst the sea of people, I grab Maxine's hand and fall into step with her. We walk out of class together.

"Maxine, can I ask you a question?"

It slips out of me, like I can't stop it. I'm nosy and invading, but at least I asked the can I ask you a question question first, to at least make it seem like I'm not that eager to barge into her private life. She shrugs. "Fine."

I sigh. "Those bruises on your knuckles." She blinks at me like an owl, looking unsure. "Um - I just - what are they from?" She opens her mouth, but I interrupt. "And don't try to tell me it's no big deal or brush it away. I really want to know and I will not settle for any vague shit."

Her tone is tinged with amusement. "You know me so well, Gracelynn." She pauses, but I don't speak, because I hate it when I'm trying to find words and feelings and someone interrupts me. Finally, she sighs and lifts her hands, clenching and unclenching them. "I got into a fight, alright?"

My mind, logic, common sense and overall the parts that have gotten me far in life say no, but my gut instinct tells me to take her hands as she tries to clench them again. "With who?" I ask.

She stares at me, something like pity. Or irritation, maybe. "It's no big -" But she catches my eye and looks away, to the ground next to her feet. She jerks her hands back, which makes disappointment and regret swirl in my stomach, like a blackhole has appeared in there or something. It hurts, but I force my hands to stay at my sides. "He - he was being annoying, alright?"

Her tone tells me not to push it. "Okay. Fine. I get that. But... no more punching people, okay?"

Her smile fades. In the silence, her phone rings and she presses the red button, opnening her messages app. I tap my foot impatiently as I try not to peer over her shoulder. Finally, she pockets her phone. "Let me get back to you with that. Listen, just head to the library, alright? I'll catch up."

"Maxine, what is this about?" She tilts her head as I ask her this, feet planted into the ground, fists clenched at my sides. She shakes her head and pushes me slightly. Not enough to hurt, but I lose my footing on the ground, stumbling back a few steps.

"Just go, you nosy dork. I promise I'll be there." She walks backward a few steps before turning around and walking into the distance. My legs carry me a few feet, but with the worry and curiousity (I am so goddamn nosy) gnawing at me, that's as far as I can go. I settle on the pavement, taking out a Hershey's Kiss to settle my stomach although eating anything sounds terrible right now.

There's yelling, and my legs start to jitter. I'm getting restless, but I force myself to stay on the pavement. A few minutes later, Maxine walks out, wiping away something on her cheek. I stand up as someone staggers behind her. She rolls her eyes.

The guy behind her catches up to us, with a bloody nose and hateful eyes. He mutters something I can't hear and Maxine whips around, sighing. "No - no, Racer! If you think I'm the wrong one here, maybe you should look in the mirror and check yourself, because you're the one terrorising random people here!" Racer says something else. "Just get out of here, won't you? Go take your stupid name with you and get fucked."

She plops down on the pavement, and I follow suit. "Sorry you had to see that." Her voice is nonchalant. Sorry you had to see that, not sorry I did that. No regret at all.

"Christ, what happened?" She shrugs. "Maxine. Seriously?! What happened? Can you at least fucking tell me something for once?" I snap, shaking her. Her eyes harden and she sighs, finally realising how serious I am about this. And I am. If she's going to punch someone, she should at least tell me why.

"Fine. Since you're so insistent." She rolls her eyes and sets her mouth into a frown, huffing out a breath. "You remember my sister, Macklayla? Well, this guy bullied her. Like, she came home with a bunch of bruises or anything. He fu - he hit her! For nothing. Just for being her." She tucks her hands into her pockets. "He deserved it."

There's a long silence, and I'm worried she'll leave or it might be getting dark or something, but my muscles are frozen. My throat is hoarse and I have nothing left to say anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Her pale skin looks so smooth, the area where her neck meets her shoulder. I push my face there, and out of the corner of my eye I can see her raise her eyebrows, and she doesn't protest. It's nice to be here. Not talking, not studying, not doing anything but just being here. Existing. Together.

Her arm wraps around mine to keep me steady, and she sighs in my ear, resting her head on mine. We must look weird to any innocent passerbys, and the thought makes me giggle. I stare at our legs, tangled together, at her boots and my sneakers.

"It isn't a big deal, Angel," she finally says softly, withdrawing her legs and arm, standing up and offering me a hand. A shot of disappointment goes through me, but I take it, and she pulls me up. "For the record... pretty ironic, huh? You bringing up fights just before I punch a guy."

"Yeah, pretty coincidental." I let myself laugh for a bit before we get on our way. "Although, Maxine. No more fighting, please?" A smile graces her face, but she still seems unsure. "Come on. Diplomacy is the new violence." Thankfully, this earns a laugh from her.

"I make no promises, not even to myself." I glare at her. "You're such a dork. Jesus, you're so cute. Fine. I'll try -" she puts emphasis on the word 'try', "to not get into fights. Is that enough for you?" I'm still caught up over the way she called me cute, but I manage to nod. "Oh, come on, nerd. I was joking. Let's go."

We walk to the library in silence, feet in sync with every step. Soon, we reach the building, which is all too familiar at this point. I push open the glass doors, but before I can say anything, Maxine beats me to it. "Gracelynn, I need to ask you something."

It's not a question. It's a statement. My heart skips a beat, but I reassure myself she still doesn't know. No way. I like to think I've hidden it pretty well. Eden could have told her, but he wouldn't screw me over like that. After a few moments of considering, I nod.

"Do you like me?"

Wow. Well, I was completely wrong. She wouldn't know about me being head-over-heels in love with her, my ass. The me from five seconds ago was an idiot. It was just a matter of time before she figured it out, why I'm always blushing and stuttering and other embarrassing things. And panic is racing through my veins, because she could definitely ruin my life with this -

"How did you know?" I whisper, peering through my fingers. My hands are almost completely covering my face and my throat feels sticky and there's a wet feeling near my eyes. But I'm not going to cry. No, sir.

She shrugs, like it doesn't bother her. "I just figured it out." The disgusted face hasn't come yet, which is weird, because despite the praise and the compliments, nobody wants me. Not as a girlfriend. Not as someone you'd want to kiss and hold and sleep with.

I wait for it. The horrible, condescending rejection. The gentle let-down. The "sorry, I just don't see you that way". But it doesn't come. My eyes flutter open - I didn't even realise they were screwed shut - and she's still standing there, hands buried in her pockets, her face neutral and uncaring.

"I thought - but maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see." Her voice goes up, just a little, at the end of the sentence, like it's a question. My brain slows and it takes me a moment to even think. In my surprise, a tear slides down my face and I wipe it away. But maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. Maxine wanted to see me like this.

Her eyes are wide, staring at me. She looks like an owl, blinking at me, which makes me laugh pathetically. And she's not nervous at all, unlike me. She usually isn't. Confident. Worldly. Whatever I'm feeling, it doesn't matter, not to her.

My head is pounding and a headache is coming, I know it, and I just want to cry and crawl into bed and take a year-long nap. And yet I'm happy. I'm so, so happy becuause it's finally happening, my dream come true. Which is cliche, right, but who cares? Not me. Because everything is surreal and I'm forgetting we're even in the library at this point.

When I look down, I vaguely think, this isn't me. This isn't me. It can't be me.

But it is. This is all too real and the fact that it is makes me feel like I'm floating, like my soul is too big for my body and it can't take it anymore. And it's so hard, when I finally speak, but it's worth it. This is all worth it.

"Does that mean what I think it means?" Maxine rolls her eyes and mouths something I can't hear, something like and you're the smart one here. She nods. "Can I -?" She nods again, mouth still slightly downturned, like she's frowning but not quite.

My arms wrap around her body, snuggling my face into her chest, and this is perfect. If life can't be perfect forever at least I'm getting this, and it's the same.

"Tomorrow, meet me at the theatre?" She says it like a question. "How 'bout it?" I just smile in reply, because I've had enough talking for today. The words have left me, the empty space left filled with happiness, a warm golden joy, that makes me want to glow and close my eyes and drift off to a land where everything is like this.

"Yeah," is all I whisper back.

And it's good. This is good.