"Est difficillum se ipusum vinicere"

It's been five days. I recovered. Moved around the room, to the balcony and bathroom, slowly, because I still felt pain. It hurt, but I tried to ignore.

I was alone in my room since Amelia left. She told me this information and just disappeared. I didn't know what to think.

From one side I wanted to show them, to show everyone I'm not scared. I would come to doors, my hand was on the door handle, and another on doors, seconds from opening, but I would give up.

I'm not strong enough. Still, I always wanted to convince myself that I will do that, one day. Not this, I would think. Another one.

And days passed. I watched time outside. Weather. Persons. I came to my habitat of looking people outside. I couldn't get on the terrace but I would sit next to the doors and look.

Observe. Think. But one thing was different.

Prince didn't come. I would expect him every second, to open doors, say something, how I'm pathetic, how I act like a child or something like that. But he didn't come.

I imagined all the different situations in my brain. All possible scenes. But they were just that. My imagination.

I didn't know why is that.

He never mentioned Dannile. Only he is alive. And that one thing concerned me. I didn't know what happened to Danniel.

It's his fault that I felt like this. Like a scared cat, like someone powerless, and I wanted him dead.

I never thought that. I thought that everyone deserves a chance, or two. Depending on people, they would always choose good, but no.

Everything merciful in me left me when that person would pop up. There is no second chance. Just one thing prince promised when he said those words.

Every man who touches you will be dead.

But he wasn't. His friend was alive.

I didn't know is he in the cell, or he walked around free like a bird in the castle and that was a reason I didn't get out.

Well, partly. The second reason is that I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. I'm my person and just mine. I need no one's opinion.

Why I cared so much for Prince's opinion, I didn't know.

I rubbed my eyes; frustrated. This is a conversation I lead myself for three days. It was pointless. I never moved from that dot.

Why I came in here? For him? His meaning? Why did I care so much?

He did nothing good to me. He hurt me, killed everyone, tortured me, but I remembered our night talks, how he looked polite, real, human. And then when he saved me. When he looked frightened for my life, like he cared.

Like he is made from flesh and bone and not just metal. He wasn't just structure and connection someone made; he was also a living person, with emotions.

And right now I gave my emotions to him.

I remembered words I told him after an attack.

I didn't think; I said that; I felt like I need to say that, to say that secret, which torn me apart every day I would see him. Every his angle, his strong arms, chest, how he deals with work, people, general. How he fought. How he treated everyone. He knew every person in this castle. His name, date of birth, everything.

He cared for people, he wasn't that heartless person I primary though.

He is a person.

And that person deserves someone to love him, I just didn't know am I that person.

Am I strong enough to deal with his character, with his power, his temper? He is like a fast train; you don't want to hit you, but he does that anyway. And everything left after that are pieces. Past, future, present. Human being. He can break you in a second and then made that every piece falls on its place after all. To built you all over again.

I was scared of that.

So I had a few reasons for hiding.

And everyone was scarier than the previous one.

I rubbed my forehead, and run my fingers through hair, exhaled and put a hand on knees.

"What is happening?" Someone asked and I lift my head.

I was sitting next to the bed, on the floor. In my pants and shirt, while my hair, my too long hair made a veil around me.

And on doors was Prince.

Like he knew when I'm thinking about him. After days and days if his absence he just showed up. Here, in my room.

"Nothing," I said and turned my head.

I was a passive one. I would make a step backwards after every conversation we lead.

I didn't talk, I became a shadow.

My shadow had a shadow, me.

"Something happened." He said, and I looked up.

He was a few steps from me, in a deep blue uniform that made his eyes even whiter.

Blue is your colour, I wanted to say, but I didn't.

I remained still.

His hair was a little messy, and he looked concerned.

"What happened?" I asked, and he looked at me. Raised an eyebrow. Asked.

"What happened?"

He imitated my voice, and I closed the eyes. As I said; pointless.

"Nevermind, forget." I turned head and looked at snow.

It's so white, like his eyes. But his eyes had a little dark dots around iris, I saw that when he carried me.

I knew every part of his eyes.

"What happened to you?" He said, and I felt something on my hand.

I looked up and saw him in the same position as me.

He had shiny shoes and uniform, he wasn't like me.

"Nothing," I answered and tried to smile.

Weak. I can't even make a smile.

"Something happened." He said curtain.

"Decide, sheriff," I said dry, and interestedly looked at the wall behind his head.

"Enough. I don't have time for you. Say what happened or I'm leaving." He tried to stand.

Flashes run down my brain and I remembered everything. How he would make me talk about my past, my life, my family. And he said nothing. He was mysteries than me.

"As I said. Nothing. That is a point." I looked into his eyes. "You did nothing," I said. I felt I'm accusing him. My words were filled with anger and fear.

"What do you say?" His eyes narrowed and I rolled my eyes.

"He is playing like an idiot," I whispered to myself.

Also one thing. I spoke to myself.

I would hide somewhere and talk with myself a whole day.

Like I'm divided between two people and that another one was scared. Because it was hidden.

"I don't play for. Say the answer." He said strong and I flinched. Looked into his eyes. He was angry.

But I was too.

I wanted him to be finally free with me. So I can talk to him. That I can be real, free, and I wanted him to be real too.

I looked at the rug. It was a big fluffy rug that hugged me so nicely. I didn't feel coldness. It was just in place.

I draw an imagined line on it.

"Do you know that something like this happened before?" I put my head on knees and reminded still.

I don't know why am I telling him this. Why suddenly this confession?

I heard a deep breath, and I decided to ignore it.

I was in my world.

"He had deep green eyes. He was older than me. He was a brother of my best friend. He looked nice. He was always smiling, I think that is why I believed him. He looked nice. He had golden hair, and I wanted to run my hand through it."

I looked at him. I finally made that courage.

I got lost. I started every sentence with "he". He was one who thought me about fear. It's funny how his sister thought me to be braver.

My smile dropped, that was a weak smile, but still. It dropped when I met his gaze.

At first, I thought he will feel sorry for me. Because that is just a story. You can't reliable to a story. You never can. You don't feel emotions, fear, anger, sorry, happiness. You just feel words that person make and let them out.

But I didn't find that. I find anger. Burning, unbelievable anger, that made me jump a little.

I was sacred. I thought he is angry. At me. For telling him this story, for being weak, being cowards. Foolish. But no.

"I will kill him." He said sharp and I had to smile.

"Why such anger, my Prince?" I said looking at the floor, "Besides that, he is already dead." I added and my smile dropped.

I killed him, my hands are dirty with his blood.

I heard deep breathing. I continued.

This shit is hard. Once you remember everything it won't allow you to forget. It moves further until you are forced to say that out loud. You can't choose.

"The worst thing is that I thought that there must be something. Something nice. I hoped he will show me something, something worthy. Something that could have for me. To keep and hold when I'm weak. But the truth was harsh."

I looked at him again.

"He didn't rape me," I said shakily. Telling that was like I get a stone of this thing. That was closed that hid everything in this room.

I watched him exhale and then continue.

"But things were hard. He kidnapped me. I was missing for five days. Five days in hell. In the forest, place where no one exists where you can scream and feel like the lonliest person. I screamed." I swallow. "Hard. I screamed. But that is expected when they are stabbing you."

I looked at my elbow. I had a little scar from when I rip a needle. But this, this was different. They didn't care for a patch. They would just stab me.

I smiled brokenly.

"You have to be aware whole time. They wanted to know something. At that time I did not know what, actually I don't know still, but they demanded something. More analyses, more pain, more needles."

I looked out the window.

"I wonder how I didn't develop fear from needles. I was stabbed so many times I forgot. No, wait." I closed eyes trying to remember. On time I counted.

"162. That is how many times. I was just a child, and I didn't know. I thought they are good. But as I grew older, I realised that is just sickness. You don't do that unless you want something."

I looked at him.

He was still breathing deep, but full of anger. I saw that by his fists. They have so tensed that flesh around them was white. You could see every vein. The deep blue thing under your skin.

"See, my Prince. I don't know. That is a simple truth." I shrugged my shoulders. "Or I ever will."

I let my head down.

I took a deep breath. My story is far from over, but I think he can't take that now.

I felt a squeeze on my jaw. I looked up and met his gaze.

"You will get your revenge." He said and stood up.

He looked at his uniform, and then at me.

"I will come for three hours. Get some rest." He turned to leave.

"And get up from that floor. You will get sick." I heard a smile in his words and I did as told.

I fell on my bed fighting with memories.

Someone deserves to know all of this.

****

I felt something on my shoulder. I opened eyes and saw a person in front of me.

"Miss. Get up. Prince is waiting for you."

I blinked a few times and everything came back in focus.

I told him that.

He will think I'm weak. Some small broken girl which want to be in the castle. To get her glory as tormented child.

I blinked again and nodded.

I will meet him.

Looking at the mirror and saw some big bags under my eyes and tired eyes. I got older for a couple of years.

Opening my doors I found Prince walking up and down the hallway.

He was in dark pants and a simple shirt. It was tightened around his muscles and I stared at them for a little too long. He noticed that and smiled.

"Trying to imagine me naked?" He added raising an eyebrow.

I blushed. I never thought that. Okay, maybe a little. What is under that shirt? Does he have muscles on his stomach? Every guard I saw had them. It was natural to wonder.

I didn't want to look at his eyes and I looked at the floor.

He had big black boots. They were in the middle of the calf and they looked tight. Like he tied them for hours. Like he can run for hours. He looked like a soldier he trained. There wasn't fancy suits, uniforms, nothing.

He was just human. And I liked it.

Of course, I liked his uniform. That fancy thing, with so unreal details I could draw for hours and still that wouldn't be enough.

He would have so perfect uniforms like no one. Even a King had suites. He looked fancy and killing combined with a gun or sword.

I blinked. He said nothing.

"Where are we going?" I finally asked when we entered a little hallway toward the stairs.

"In the walk." He said simple, and I wished I brought my coat. It's cold outside and I'm just in shirt and tights.

We come to some, for me, unknown doors and there was one battler.

"Majesty." He bowed and turned to me.

"Miss." He nodded, and I tried to smile.

He turned toward Prince and said something. I didn't pay attention.

"Here wear this." He was showing in my coat. How he got it out of the room I didn't know.

I turned, and he helped me to dress it. I felt his little cold fingers on my neck.

What is this?

He gave me gloves, and he took a long black coat. Under that coat, I saw his sword.

He put it on hip and covered it with dark material.

"That is all Dean." He nodded and battler bowed again.

"Come one." He took my elbow, and we walked outside.

It was cold like hell. Snow was running around us settling on the ground as we made our way to the edge.

We walked toward the wood. It was a little scary to look at that at the night. In days that looked like simple woodland with few trees and by night it looked scary.

I tried to slow down, but he didn't allow me.

"Come one. Don't be scared." I heard his voice and tugged my chin in the coat. Why didn't I take a hat?

My hands were warm but eye not so much.

I said nothing. I followed him in the wood convinced he is just going to kill me. I will finally make my piece.

In the wood was quiet. The snow was falling so slow that I could see it in the air.

Little breaths run from my mouth and froze in the night. It was so cold but Prince was in a simple coat and shirt.

I was cold even though mine coat had some ultra warm material. It was supposed to keep me warm. It looks like they didn't think about late night walks with Prince.

I exhaled and looked at the misty balloon around my head. We were walking for a half hour I'm certain.

It has to be that long. I'm freezing.

"You will kill me?" I said breaking silence.

"Of course not." He answered and continued walking.

As he said nothing else, I asked again.

"Then why are we walking. It's freezing." I said turning to him.

"To get.." someone's voice interrupted him.

"Is that my soul?" I froze in place.

My eyes widened when I recognized that voice. It can't be him. I'm not ready to see him.

No matter how I convinced myself I'm okay. I wasn't. I was a good liar to everyone except to the prince.

"Shut up," Prince said suddenly, and I looked at him.

His eyes were filled with hate and I wanted to look at Danniel but I didn't. I'm scared.

That he will do that again. Show me how weak I am and he would rip my cloth.

"I can talk." He said, and I made my look to find his.

"Oh no. Worried for my wounds?" He raised an eyebrow and smiled.

I wished I can hit him. To erase that smile and to show him that he is weak. Not me.

"No... no.." I repeated a few times and looked at Prince.

"Why are we here?" I asked, my voice got higher and higher.

"To get revenge." I saw his look and a big smile when he uncovered his sword.

I looked at Danniel. He looked a little feared.

"Don't worry honey. I will be good. No need for tears." He said pity.

"I'm not crying," I said weakly.

Before his world would make me happy and full of belief. Now they made me feel like a monster.

It's funny how all of that changed so quickly.

"But you are." He made a worried face that changed into the smile.

I looked down at him.

Even tied he looked beautiful. Monster but real.

"Enough talk." Prince interrupted. "Last words?" He looked at the sword and smiled.

"Send my love to Dianna." He smiled and let out a gasp.

He is a monster.

In a second I looked at his dark eyes. Next second his head was under my feet.

"Est difficillum se ipusum vinicere" The hardest thing is to overcome yourself.