"Epustula non erubescit"

I never took a book from the library. I mean I read books and carried them into the Queen's restroom but never; I mean never took the book in my room.

The thick book Prince left on the table was something else. Hiding it under my robe I walked past the doors. Heartbeats echoed in my throat as one guard looked at me before turning his look at the wall again.

When I closed my door I exhaled. I didn't realise I held my breath the whole way back to the room. The sparks appeared in my vision from less of oxygen.

Placing the book on my bed I sat next to it.
What did he tell me with that song? Why did he read it and let me conclude? I was no one like he liked to say. I didn't have manners or some knowledge.

I was a freak that will never fit in.

But one part of my mind wanted to say he was telling me I will be a prisoner forever. That he will keep me here if I do nothing. I must do something. I can't sit here with my life in front of my eyes. I wanted to feel alive again, to be free. From everything, even if that meant Prince must die.

Shaking off the feeling of me hurting someone I picked up the book and opened it on random song.

41. I read it too late realising that was a love song. I wanted to stop but I could not.

I long to speak the deepest words I have to say to you;

but I dare not, for fear you should laugh. That is why I laugh at myself and shatter my secret in jest.

I make light of my pain, afraid you should do so.

I long to tell you the truest words I have to say to you;

but I dare not, being afraid that you would not believe them.

That is why I disguise them in untruth, saying the contrary of what I mean.

I make my pain appear absurd, afraid that you should do so.

I long to use the most precious words I have for you;

but I dare not, fearing I should not be paid with like value.

That is why I gave you hard names and boast of my callous strength.

I hurt you, for fear you should never know any pain.

I long to sit silently by you;

but I dare not out at my lips.

That is why I prattle and chatter lightly and hide my heart behind words.

I rudely handle my pain, for fear you should do so.

I long to go away from your side;

but I dare not, for fear my cowardice should become known to you.

That is why I hold my head high and carelessly come into your presence. Constant thrusts from your eyes keep my pain fresh forever.

Something fell on the pages and blurred my vision. Tears. Rapidly erasing them like someone could laugh at my emotions I swiftly turned around. I was alone, as always.

I looked up at my room. This was a beautiful love song of someone who is afraid to say his feelings. He is afraid to say them out loud, and I connected with that.

I wanted to say Danniel that I like him, but I let my actions tell instead of me. I was always like that. I never like telling how I feel because I thought they make you vulnerable and vulnerability was something I couldn't allow in my life. People get killed because of that, and I did t fight for nothing.

But that simple emotion I showed to Danniel. That simple touch of something that made me jump inside myself when he would say something or when he took a wisp of my hair. That made me feel much more.

Smiling with him on dinner before Prince came. Eating doughnuts, and walking down with the horse, that was simple places in my heart caused to feel that emotion.

Love.

That simple emotion I wanted to have like Amelia has. Some unreal connection with a man. And he ruined that. With that damn rule. I didn't want to risk. I didn't want to take some shots just to be sure is that real. I didn't want to hurt him.

I hugged the book on my chest already broken not being able to be with him. To watch that smile on his face or to make jokes with him. Yes, he worked too much, but that little time he had for me was all about me, and about me in person. He didn't look at me like maids and servants like something dirty, or whore. He didn't look at me like the prince too, something dangerous or like Travis like a weapon. No, he looked at me like a simple human being worthy of his love.

My hands threw a book on the floor. I turned to the nightstand tearing down everything from it. Tears filled my eyes but this time from anger. Prince will not control, and if that means hurting him, then I will.

I have to change that stupid rule.

****

Someone shook my shoulder and I pushed a hand away. All I wanted us some sleep. After I demolished my room, I only touched the bed and fell asleep. My intentions were to sleep and then plan. Plan to hurt Prince.

"Miss, Prince wants to see you in his cabinet in half an hour." Some unknown maid said, and I nodded. I didn't realise why I did that but I did it somehow.

I was asleep.

She exited a room and loud slapping doors after that woke me up completely.

"Come on, miss! You need to take a bath." Olivia almost screamed and took me to bed.

I wanted to sleep just a little. I didn't sleep well at all.

"Can I sleep, just a little more?" I asked not looking at her.

"No! You need to get ready. Mauricia, add rose petals." She moved a hand, and I saw another of my maids.

"Hey." I smiled a little weird and looked at her.

She did nothing. Not a single movement. She added petals and disappeared in the room.

"Come on, now." She took off my sleeping shirt and showed me to get in.

I was conscious enough to enter by myself and little to a cold bath woke me immediately.

"This is cold!" I said looking at her.

"You had to be woken up." She turned and exited the room leaving Alicia to take care of me.

"Is it wrong from my side that I want to sleep?"

"Yes." She said simply washing my back.

"Why?" I yawned and looked in front of myself.

"Prince called you. You need to go immediately. Prince can't wait." She said rubbing my back little too hard.

"A little gentler," I said quietly, and she realised sponge.

"Thanks." I smiled at no one and closed my eyes.

Not right. This made me even more sleeper.

"Come on. Get out." She said ten minutes later and gave me the towel.

"We don't have time to dress you." They all said a little too concerned.

What is his?

"What is happening?" I looked at them wanting answers.

"Miss, Prince.. he.." Olivia started.

"He what?" I said when she stopped. My voice sounded a little too sharp. With laud exhale I lovered my head.

"He calls no one in his cabinet. That is reserved for general and guards. When that happens that is not good." They all looked at me with a little sad look and I looked at hem.

So is this it? Is this my ending? Is his how I will die?

"I will wear pants and a shirt," I said showing at little brown pants and a white shirt at the left corner.

That was his shirt. He gave me that day when we visited ruins.

I blinked a few times and then concentrate.

"Come on. We won't let Prince waiting."

I wondered how my voice sounded so calm like I'm going to some breakfast and not at my death.

I showed on the pants and they took it.

If I'm going to die, I will try to look more like me. I will not let him change me at all.

I was ready a few minutes before time and they lead me to the fourth floor west wing.

Mrs Gren wouldn't tolerate delay no matter the reason.

It was funny how now I remembered every single lesson from Mrs Gren and I pushed them from one part a mind to others. I couldn't think about that now.

Guard nodded when I arrived and the girls greeted with me and disappeared. Now they will get a new girl to serve and I will be forgotten.

I was late for three minutes.

Doors opened after his sharp command and I looked around me.

This is it, I guess.

I slowly stepped inside in my comfortable rainy shoes and looked around. My head high, not afraid of his look like the first time. My fist clenched not from fear but the anger I collected last night.

The first thing I noticed were books after that big wooden table and after that the Prince.

Whole two walls were in books, from floor to ceiling, there were books sorted by name, by colour, by everything. Prince was creepy.

The wooden table was in the middle room. It was covered in papers and maps almost whole. I could see there and then dark wood. With the table came chair as always.

Same dark brown wooden chair. Wait, no. This one looked more like some throne. He already has a throne, and he was just Prince.

I smiled at him acting like everything is okay.

He stood next to the big window looking outside.

He was in a white uniform with dark pants. Whoa. Mixing colours, something is happening.

"So, why is your cabinet so scary? Maids were terrified." I asked just to break the silence. I took another step now my shoes echoing on the wooden floor.

From long summer nights, I knew he can be silent for hours. Once I slept while he just sat next to me.

That was someone else, not this man standing next to the window. That one had a bit of boyish thing. After all, he is just 23. He is not someone who should have this much obligation.

"Maybe because they call it Death cabinet."

He turned and looked at me.

"You are late." And sat on his throne.

"Hm. I don't know. Maybe you should give me more than half an hour." I said sarcastically crossing my arms.

A few minutes with him and I'm already pissed.

"I thought since you were awake at 3 a.m. you wouldn't mind. That is too much time."

He said like he is talking about the weather.

I looked out the window. Outside was the cloudy stormy day. Morning actually.

It was around 8 o'clock.

"Hey. You are maybe a vampire but I'm not. I need some sleep." I answered and looked into his eyes.

I wanted to search for something on his face. I wanted to found some emotions. Something that I will hate. Maybe, happiness because he will kill me after all. Compassion, if he has it. But no. He just looked tired.

Like he could take ten days of vacation just to sleep. And I knew him, partly. All my anger disappeared.

"Why don't you get some rest?" I asked him looking at his face.

"Excuse me?" He asked narrowing his eyebrows.

"No defence, Prince, but you look sick." I showed on his face, and he answered me not even flinching.

"As I said. I sleep for around four hours because this kingdom never sleeps. I need to know what is happening."

"You will know much more when you are dead," I said a quiet, just to me.

"You need to stop with that. I hear everything." I looked at him and smiled.

"I did not think different."

And then I saw some smile. Not too big but I saw his corners getting up.

"See? Better." I uncrossed my eyes and looked at him.

"Now why am I at the Death cabinet?" I looked him at eyes pretending to be braver than I actually am.

His fingers moved. He repeated the same thing as in my home three months ago. And now it really made me nervous.

He did that on purpose. You know that makes me nervous. Great. He is an expert in reading and pissing Dianna Watenber.

"Get to the point," I said looking at his fingers.

On his right hand was a big family ring. It was a lion with a rose. I pressed place next to my collar bone where I had that scar. Another of his gentle acting.

"I'd been thinking something." He started slow.

"You can think?" I added smiling.

He said nothing but gave me the look. It sent chills down my spine but I straightened my back instead.

"I'd been thinking. I don't know why are you here. Why are you pretending to don't know about your resistance? Why did you send me in Delia? Why is there a rebellion?You are here for three months and you didn't give me anything. You keep that as a secret and honestly, I'm tired of it. I wanted to know why you can resist and if I could to find out how to stop that, but you refuse to talk."

"I don't know." I interrupted him but he didn't say anything.

"So I'm done waiting for you. The day after tomorrow we are going on the trip."

"My death trip." I raised my eyebrow looking at him. That is it. Now I have my death date. I must live it.

"No. We will visit someone."

"Isn't coronation in five days?" I asked confused.

It's not my death day. My shoulders relaxed.

"Yes, it is. It will take us two days and three hours, to go and back. Together with analyzes."

"Analyzes?" I repeated.

"Yes. We are going to visit the doctor Marcus."

Travis's words echoed into my mind. "He will find out what is a cause of your resistance and kill you. Only an obstacle."

"Doctor Marcus? Who is that?" My words sounded weak.

"That is a doctor specialised for gens. He did some researchers, and he has all the equipment. He will found out what is wrong with you."

"And if possible fix me." I finished. He really is a crazy person.

"Yes." He looked at me and I looked back.

"You are crazy," I said whispering while I looked at him.

"What will you do after that? Take me home? If you fix me what I will be? Nothing? Just some doll you have been playing for three months?!" I almost screamed the last words.

"Calm down." He said simply looking at me.

"No! I won't calm down!" I came closer. My anger raised back and I wished to hit him. To wake him up. I am a person, not some toy. Not something he can play with, I am a living person, and now I will find my revenge.

I came behind the table and looked at him.

He was just a few inches from me and looked like a cold animal. Like he has none emotions.

"What hurts you that bad, that you think it will go away if you hurt me?" I asked so quietly that I almost touched his hair with my lips.

"Epustula non erubescit" Paper takes it all.

Hello...

What do you think? Is this a bad thing, or a good thing? Who is the doctor? What will happen next?

As always thank for reading and leave vote and comm.

Love ya all...

Kiss kiss