[ in which one brush of skin against each other whom
are meant to be, can lead to pain that feels so right. ]

the jolt that tickled at my spine intensified as your hand cupped my chin, gazing at me and telling me that "it's okay"; did i need to hear that?

i didn't know, but i told myself it was okay too, even if we both knew it wasn't. the pain was lingering, and it intensified as your hands strode through my hair, and i wondered if it could be possible that the pain would hurt so much, we'd never feel anything.

"kei," i whispered. "it hurts. so much that i think i'm suffocating."

"me too," he whispered back, as if that minuscule sense of silence can drive us away from reality that holds us and molds us into one, then separates so we can experience that fleeting loneliness and everlasting pain. the moon watched us from it's position, and i didn't care or knew what it meant, because this moment, it was a suffocating capsule where i couldn't breathe, and when he released his fingers around my hands, it was the effect of anesthesia seeping into my skin and being dispersed. i thought i could see tears forming in your eyes, but i could imagine you responding to me.

"[name], are you blind?" or you could stay silent, and that, i found the most beautiful about you as you began to plant flying kisses on my neck, and that hurt even more, but i gritted my teeth and held on because i needed it. so much, in that human greed. you planted another one in my lips, and that hurt tripled, but you did it again and again, and despite how much i wanted to pull away, i didn't because i liked it until i had to breathe.

"fuck," i muttered under my breath as you pulled me into your arms instead.

"idiot. if it hurt, you should've said so."

"it didn't matter," i chuckled.

i suppose you needed that solace too, more than i did. your curiosity always surfaced more than mine.

we began to experiment with our fingers against each other's skin, another one of my nerves had gone electric, like those city lights i had never seen, and those neon glows against my skin where i could relentlessly touch another who doesn't belong to mine, all somewhere equivalent to paradise. you had always been the one to touch me first, because i was scared of losing everything.

in this fragmented world, we both very well knew this system, this feeling, this intricate manipulation of the human body was to represent infinite infidelity. those living with diamonds set at each finger or dirt under every fingernail played this game, and so the system became even more complicated, and we were additions to that. those who didn't care were very much sadists of a sort. but it didn't matter, did it? as long as you defied everything set for you and rebelled through everything, you should be fine, or so kei said.

it felt nice though, because it was easy- the pain didn't matter. if anything, it felt so right it could have been wrong. my memory became hazy after that, and all i could remember were my open eyes, and that numb pain we theorized would happen.

with your closed eyes and scrunched up lips against the pillow, my fingers brush against your cheek for the first time, and that tingling pain throbbed in my fingers just like it had when you touched me. that touch of fear, the one that i was afraid of, seemed to jolt you awake, but you did the same- and i wasn't scared of doing the same to you.