The smell of lavender and clean laundry mix with each other and overpower my nostrils. The sweetest scent for a place that normally smells like the doctor's office.

Sunlight faintly reaches through the half open windows. The rays of gold fade in and out with the rhythm of the sun. The seat I'm in is the perfect spot. It's positioned close enough to the windows so I can feel the breeze drift in and is the spot where the scent of the doctor's office doesn't reach. It's also the perfect distance from the rest of the group.

The soft whispers and loud cries clash with each other, as well as the feelings being discussed.

Mia is in her regular spot in the center of the group, sandwiched- as always- by Sara and Gina. Gwendolyn sits with her arms crossed like a two year while next to her Donna lends forward listening to everyone talk like her life depended on it. Hanna fiddles with her fingers, Fiona with her hair, and little Mandy with her squeaky voice, glances from side to side anxiously awaiting something never going to occur.

Messed up little freaks they were. But saner than me. I envied them sometimes, but other times I pitied them.

I smile to myself as a warm breeze pushes my hair off my shoulders. The wind whistles softly in my ear and leaves with a lone echo. Just like always, I pretend to be lifted off, to be free of doubt and worry, to be taken to a world with no thought with no past mistakes with nothing but sweet serenity. Oh, how I wished that could just be. I open my eyes and look around the room. I decide to listen in to the group discussion for a few minutes.

"...it just pisses me off you know?" Gwendolyn's angry voice said. "Everyone here is just so worried about me. I mean I don't need this, I don't need to be here talking to you people, listening to you sob over how wrong it is of me to do this. If I want to do this to myself sobeit. It's not hurting anyone."

"But Gwen, don't you think you're being a bit selfish when you think these things. I mean think about everyone who's affected by your decisions. What would happen if you were to do it too deep and you bled to death? How would your friends and family feel then- knowing you died such a horrid death that could've been avoided?" Mia's sweet voice asked. Her voice was always dripping of honey and it killed me.

Gwendolyn only grunted before Hanna piped up.

"What do you mean when you say 'it pisses you off'? Are you talking about us?"

"What do you think I'm talking about?"

Gwendolyn's harsh tone shut up Hanna like a mouse near a cat. I hated Gwendolyn. I hated everyone here. More importantly, I hated myself for even being here, for even getting myself stuck in here.

"Another thing is how much everyone here is a pansy. How you all just fit into a genetic stereotype of misfits. Not me though, I don't let anyone decide anything for me." She boasted proudly. "It annoys me the most when other people think their situations are always the worst out everyone else's."

It burned in the back of my throat. I knew she was talking about me, I just knew it. I trained my eyes to the ground.

"People like her."

I heard every chair creak as they all fixed themselves in their chairs to turn and face me. Their eyes bore holes in every part of my body, set my soul ablaze.

"Why are you so aggressive against people like Kellie, Gwen?" Mia said in her still pleasant voice.

"Because they try too hard to act like the victim or some underdog hero or something. Trying to be outcast when really they're nothing special, they're just like the rest of us."

I wanted to slap her right then or call her a b or something. But instead, I just take it and try to become invisible.

"Kellie...?" Mia started cautiously. "Do you want to comment on Gwen's statement?"

I quickly shook my head.

"Alright." I could hear the disappointment in her voice. She wanted me to stand up for myself and I never did. In the past, I would've been more than happy to do so, but things change.

"Well, that's all the time we have today girls. Thank you, as always, for sharing your feelings and thoughts and you can move on to your next session."

I heard the chairs squeak as the girls all get up to leave. The room levels back out to the peaceful quiet it had been before the group. The sound of approaching heels tell me that Mia is still here.

"Hey. I don't know if you'll be interested, but Dr.Schaefer's office is free at this hour. I'm sure she'll want to hear from you."

I don't answer her, I don't even look up to face her. The empty silence is unsettling and after a few more moments of silence, she walks away.

Now it's just me and the thoughts that are screaming at me in my head.

"Why don't you talk anymore, why didn't you answer her!? Say yes or no? That's all it takes. What happened to you, you use to be so on top of the game. Friends, boyfriends, popularity. Everything just fell into your lap so effortlessly and now you've gone and ruined it. You were a mean girl who wouldn't let shit, like what Gwendolyn said, fly by you without a fight or having the other girl cry. Wake up! Just wake up! This is a nightmare that you've dreamt up!"

"There you go thinking about you again."

My brows furrow and my thoughts stop. That voice doesn't belong here, it can't be real. I really must've gone off the deep end.

"In all the years I've known you, you would never let anyone disrespect you like that especially in front of other people."

My heart started to beat quicker than I ever thought possible. It was him! But it can't be!

"I guess a lot has changed since I've been gone."

I couldn't look down any longer, I had to see with my own eyes. Leaning against the doorway, Lester stares me down. His eyes feel colder than the look Gwendolyn gave me earlier.

The threat of tears was dangerously close and I could feel my chest begin to tighten. He was right there, he wasn't dead he couldn't be not while he was standing there. I cautiously began to get up and walk over to him, but he met me halfway and I fell into his arms. Too shocked to cry I just stand there in disbelief as I hold someone I thought died right before my eyes.

I finally found my voice and whispered in his ear. "I thought you were dead, I thought I saw you get hit-" I couldn't finish, I was so choked up. Everything was alright now.

"It must've been horrible- watching someone you care about die right in front of you."

I nod vigorously. "You have no idea."

"Hm..." He rubs my back methodically. "It had to be you you egotistical, unsympathetic bitch."

If he hadn't whispered it right close to my ear I would've thought I heard that wrong. I pulled away and looked up at him confused. He shoves me to the ground and glares at me with accusing eyes. I'm too stunned to speak so he does it for me.

"Always miss popular, always perfect and desirable. Thought you were on top of it all didn't you? Well, you learn a lot when you're dead and I've realized that high school is only a small world compared to the rest of the universe. In a few years, nobody will care how many friends you had in high school, or how many guys you crushed on actually had sex with you, all that will matter is the mistakes you made. And Kellie, you made a lot of them."

"I- I'm so sorry Lester, but I don't understand- I just don't-"

"Don't know how this applies to you in anyway?" He cuts me off ruthlessly. "You of all people should understand how this applies to you."

I shook my head in disbelief. "This isn't real, this isn't real, it can't be- he's dead! But here he is right in front of me. I held him, I felt him, he had a beating heart and breath in his body. But this couldn't be happening."

His voice took on a much calmer tone as he started to talk again. "I think about the different situations that could have resulted from that day. I remove people, I add people, I think if I was just a minute or two late to the scene, would I still have gotten hit? Who knows. But I do replay the following situation many times over in my mind. If you hadn't held back Daphne when she was trying to warn me, would I still be alive? We'll never know."

It felt like the room was spinning furiously and my heart was beating faster than ever. That moment when I pushed Daphne Rogers to the ground replays over and over in my mind until I can't handle it anymore. I squeeze my eyes shut but the image remains there.

"She was trying to warn him. Why had I pushed her down anyway? Whatever was wrong with Daphne Rogers? She was just a little different from the rest of us but she was still a human, a person with feelings. I am responsible and I'm an awful person. I deserved to die that day- nobody else but me."

Lester's cool voice rings in my ears.

"That's your problem Kellie, you hold people back from their true potential and you drown them. You crush any desire to be good and all for the sake of fitting in."

My eyes spring open and when I sit up the room is empty. My mind is racing as I run from the uncalming blue room and into the white walled hallways. Retreating to my room I slam the door, not worried about alarming those nearby. I immediately head towards my bed when I spot it on my sheets.

The rope.

And a yellow post-it note propped against it. I hesitantly walk over to it and pick it up to read. My hands shake as I mumble the words aloud.

Because you held others back for so long- Lester

Glancing at the rope I swallow hard. My fingers gaze the rough material of the rope. Suddenly a flood of painful memories overtake my mind and the words of everyone race back to remembrance. Gwendolyn's voice mixes with Lester's and the two of them taunt me. I cover my ears as if the haunted words won't steep through my flesh and bones. They replay along with the awful memories and that fateful day. The way I pushed Daphne to the ground is specially highlighted in my thoughts. Finally it's all too much. The overwhelming feel takes a firm hold of me and I begin to search the ceiling.

When I found what I was looking for I step up on a chair and tie the rope to a small, barely visible hook in the ceiling. Getting a top of the chair I close my eyes and tremble as I'm prepared to step of. I begin to hear the sound of the others girls coming back from their sessions. Donna will be pleased to have a room all to herself- I'm just excessive space anyway. Tears soon start to fall and I question if I should even do this at all. But the memories and voices, they burn so bright in the back of my mind and the sharp pain shooting through my body is unbearable.

"What are you waiting for Kels? Someone to push you off?"

With that, I remember no other thoughts or concerns and step off the edge of the chair. His last words chilling me to the core.