5 | let's talk
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⇒ Blueprint Apartments
11:30pm
"So," Chan murmured, long fingers stroking and entwining with the shorter, slimmer ones in either of his hands, "do you wanna go first tonight?"
"I don't mind," Felix blushed, keeping a lovestruck gaze at his hands, admiring how his partner played with them with such absentmindedness, as if it was a reflex, of some sort, to show affection. Shifting to feel more comfortable in the butterfly fold of his legs before Chan, Felix looked up, locking eyes with the older. "My day was okay, but I missed you."
"Aw, my Lixie missed me," Chan teased, lifting one of the hands in his hold up to his lips for sweet kisses as a reward to Felix's admission. And they were seated close enough, both with legs folded identically over the sheets, so Chan leaned forward. His plush lips puckered to greet Felix's, palm releasing one of the smaller to cup the freckled cheek that it favored against its surface, and head tilting a bit to make those few seconds more worth it. "I missed you too," he said, blushing and giggling when a playful, flustered slap met his arm. "But go on, baby."
"Well, yeah. There was nothing- nothing much to do... watched movies but mostly slept. I also had to catch up on some schoolwork," Felix stretched his free hand out sideways, yawning. And with the brief moment at which his cheeks were too elevated to allow his tired eyes clear sight, Felix missed the odd arch of his lover's brow. But, even if he had taken note of Chan's expression, would he have understood?
How, when Hyunjin hadn't touched on the specifics of his Uber driver?
But Chan wondered why his boyfriend was being so adamant in avoiding the sure fact that the named blond had visited.
The couple's nights varnished a routine, shinier and smoother every practice. Their legs would fold at close proximity before each other, hands held and eyes locked. Mouths opened to discuss the activities of their day, from quarrels with outsiders, to unspoken emotions.
Felix was the prime owner of that suggestion. And before moving in, a late evening's call would piece together the canvas at which they could now even out with the more intimate practice. But that night, something seemed off. To Chan, at least.
And his tongue itched to ask a direct question pertaining to the known visitor. But no. Not yet, especially if Felix was truly hiding something.
"So that's all you did today?" Chan asked, tone humble and reassuring whilst one hand slyly guided Felix's arm around his waist. "Just missed me, work, and slept?" He raised a brow, doing the same thing with Felix's other hand.
"Yeah, that's about it," Felix smiled, eyes wide and bright, and arms willingly tightening around Chan's torso to pull them closer. Then Felix rested his chin on Chan's clothed chest, looking up into his eyes, worried when Chan seemed skeptical to smile back. "Are you okay, Channie? How was your day?"
Felix couldn't be serious.
Chan found it too much of a tedious task to accept the implied fact that Felix was indeed bluffing his way out of confrontation. How- how many times had he gone about that, unknowingly to his lover? And why? Just why was he so banked on keeping the visit a secret.
"Are you sure... that not even Hyunjin visited?" Chan failed to resist the adamant muscle of his tongue, happy to be proud instead of regretful of the inquiry soon after. His and Felix's face was dangerously close then, and he held the blond at his lower back, ensuring that neither could move away. Felix himself appeared too stupefied to attempt a shift from his man's hold, even if he wanted to.
But Felix wasn't replying, for the first chain of seconds; maybe a minute. And it most likely wasn't on purpose, his delay. He was just guilty, per se. Struggling to work up a tone for his viable reasoning as to why he had chosen to not speak of Hyunjin.
"I- yeah," Felix gulped, watching as Chan's emerging smile crippled, and shivered when the elder's hand met his temple to push a few strands of hair behind his ear. "I just- I just didn't mention..."
"Why not, Lixie? This is our time," Chan frowned, feeling bad, "I was wondering why you weren't mentioning. And I mean, I trust you, Felix. But when you hesitate to tell me little things like this, it makes me think-"
"Channie stop," Felix scolded, mustering up the strength to lean back fully, and taking a hold of Chan's lower face with one hand; mushing his pale cheeks. "I won't- I could never do that to you. I just didn't mention because I know you know he made a move before, and even if you know we're closer now... I didn't want you getting the wrong idea."
"Lix, you not being fully honest with me is what can give me the wrong idea," Chan sighed, lifting either of Felix's hands to his lips for more kisses, "But I understand where you're coming from, and I love you... I know you mean well... Just- I'd rather if we talk about everything together, yeah?"
"Okay Channie," Felix spread a teeth-less, sincere smile, pulling Chan in for another loving kiss, "now talk to me... About your day. How you found out he was over."
"He booked an uber," Chan started, shifting to lean back onto the mattress, head on his pillow, and pulling Felix on top of him. The younger giggled, cheeks claiming a blush as rich as that of a high school student on their first time, and snuggled into Chan's built chest when the sheet was pulled over them both. "And then I recognized him, said he was coming to see you."
"Ah, I forget that my boyfriend is an uber driver and knows every dam thing that goes on," Felix joked, toying with Chan's most prominent dimple. "I can just imagine how awkward that ride was. But anything else? You went to your therapy session, right?"
Pressing a thumb and its partnered index at the corners of his eyes, Chan groaned, exhausted, eager to return his hand around Felix's waist. "Saturday sessions suck ass," he laughed, kissing the younger's forehead. "But it was alright; worth it, like all the rest."
"Good Channie," Felix praised, laughing too, "I'm very proud of my Channie."
And soon enough, Chan initiated another kiss, either finding fit to mutate it into a make-out session, since the substance of collective conversation had expired, and slumber had not yet dominated their closed eyelids. Both their heads tilted, and Felix's slimmer build found the lower fraction of Chan's abdomen, hoping that he wouldn't mind.
But then, the younger's phone lit up on the nightstand. Hesitant to break the kiss when his eyes fluttered open, but curious as to who contacted at that hour, Felix pulled away with a few pecks to Chan's mouth, chuckling at the latter's needy whines whilst reaching for the device.
"Who's disturbing my Lixie time?" Chan sang, kneeling on the mattress to hug onto the blond's waist, head on his shoulder, "And this late too... It better be important."
"It's-" Felix blinked, confused, "It's... Seungmin?"
-
⇒ Hero's Soup [Café]
11:45am
Felix would never allow himself to loosen the reminiscent tie of the emotional dawn of his and Seungmin's bond. And sitting there, sipping on his favorite coconut latte, gazing forward at who used to be his best friend, a soft smile cracked up from one corner of his lips.
It had been too, too long since they had sat together like that. And it stung, the unpleasant flashback of their last conversation in that same café. Felix wished that things had ended differently. And he'd give up even Hyunjin in a heartbeat to be able to regain what he once shared with Seungmin.
Swallowing another mouthful of his drink, still monitoring Seungmin's expression; puffed cheeks, lowered head, and auburn bangs maintaining a distance down to his forehead, Felix spoke up, disappointed that he had to be the one to break the awkward silence.
"So," he began, wiping some creamy foam from his top lip with a napkin, "how- how are you, Minnie. I was worried about you... You just... cut me off."
"Things were too hard and messy for me," Seungmin sighed, finally looking up to lock eyes with the pair above the dozens of scattered freckles. He fiddled with his fingers at his thighs underneath the table, yet to touch his vanilla cupcake and hot chocolate. "Hyunjin- I tried to hold on to the relationship, but I just couldn't. I loved him so much, but I just couldn't lower myself like that."
"Mmh," Felix hummed, unsure what to say.
"He- Hyunjin didn't love me, even though he cried. Even though he begged. Even though he did all that shit to try to get me to stay, he didn't love me. He never did. And I- I had to learn to live with that," Seungmin coughed, tearing up, shaking his head in resistance when Felix's palm met his wrist under the table. "That's why I moved away for a while. I admit, I shouldn't have cut you off, but I just couldn't, you know? None of it is your fault, but still..."
"I understand, Min," Felix frowned, rid of his appetite, but not enough to prevent his next sip from the latte, "But where did you go?"
"I was with my sister, away from Seoul. I only got back on Thursday, actually," Seungmin looked sideways, lifting one hand to his hair to scratch it, awkward. "I didn't even know you moved. When I went to your old place and you weren't there, I visited the clinic. Dr. Lee gave me your number."
"Ah, well I've got to thank him, then," Felix smiled, the corners of his eyes folding adorably with the action. "Did he recognize you? It's been months."
"I know, but he did," Seungmin chuckled, light and without thought, "I was so nervous though. I've never really spoken to him like that, without Hyunjin."
"I understand, I understand," Felix nodded, looking away and drawing one of his uneaten churros up to his mouth. Chewing, he went on, hoping that the intended line would in no way bring further discomfort to their appetite. "But Uhm... do you plan on talking with Hyunjin at all? To at least be- be friends? Or just... clear up the differences?"
"No," Seungmin answered with too little hesitance for Felix's liking, the small smile that was on his face gone with no trace. "I want to avoid that man at all costs, I'm sorry. And especially as I want to rebuild my friendship with you... if you want... I wouldn't want to put you in that awkward situation."
Well... about that...
"Hm," Felix lifted his head into a high nod with his eyebrows, upper row of teeth greeting his bottom lip. "I- could I ask why, though?"
"Why?"
"Why you don't want to deal with him anymore?" Felix cleared his throat, scared to go on. But he had implied too much to stop. "I- I think he's kind of... matured? He-"
"Felix, I don't think I'm getting what you're saying," Seungmin arched a brow, eyes narrowed and head tilted to the side. He was well aware that Felix was dating Chan, but goodness. Just the thought of a possible reality where Felix fancied Hyunjin, romantically, ruffled the already struggling serenity of his emotions. "Why are you defending him."
Sensing the necessity to come clean, Felix shifted in his seat, uncomfortable. "Over the past few months, Minnie. Since you cut contact with both of us, we were worried about you. And we ended up reaching out to each other, just to see if you were okay... And so we grew somewhat closer... from that."
Seungmin bit on the inside of his cheek, hurt." I honestly don't know what to tell you, Felix," he said. But, thinking back, he shouldn't feel any kind of way, right? It was his idea to cut them off, correct. So his ex-best friend and the one who broke him so terribly that pain killers demanded ingestion to ease the aches in his chest, could be blamed on nobody else. "Good, I guess. Fucking great, I should say."
"Seungmin," Felix frowned, heart aching when a heavy tear slid down Seungmin's cheek; tinted with unexpressed humiliation. "Seungmin, I love you, okay? And so does he-"
"Don't say that."
"So does he, Seungmin. I have to say it. He's sorry, but he isn't expecting open arms. He isn't even expecting you to look at him, Min. And you're human, I don't expect you to feel any different either," Felix paused, breathing in whilst his eyes savored a blink, "I just don't want you harboring any form of hate in your heart, Min. And please, please don't let that stop you from rebuilding our relationship..."
Looking down, sideways, and taking a few napkins from the round table to dry his face and runny nose, Seungmin sighed, closing his eyes. His index fingers found the eyes' ducts, applying subtle pressure in hopes of sending some form of threat to the salty pool that desired an overflow.
"I just need time, Felix," he said, quiet, "I can't believe I'm even crying over this. I went away to recover- to move on. But look at me," his lips quivered, and unlike the first instance of which he opposed, Seungmin squeezed Felix's hand for comfort when the warm skin contacted his. "I'm pathetic."
"You aren't," Felix smiled to reassure, "you're human. And everything that you're feeling is normal. I- I know how much you loved him. And he was the deepest asshole to have treated you like that," he snickered at his choice of words, laughing more when a smile drew up along Seungmin's cheeks. "Cheer up, Min. I'm here for you, okay? I missed you so damn much too."
"Okay, and I missed you too," Seungmin sighed, relieved. "But enough about me... tell me about Chan. How much better is he, since... you know."
"So much better," Felix blushed, drinking more from his latte; it was overly tepid by then. "He shows me so much love, Min-Min. And we have this thing where every night, before bed, we'll sit together, hold hands, and talk about our day," he grinned like a fangirl, giggling more when Seungmin's similar sounds grew. "You actually kind of interrupted us with your text last night."
"Mmmh, interrupted, I see," Seungmin wiggled his eyebrows, finally digging into his iced cupcake. "Is he good?"
"Good?"
"Oh come on, Felix. You know what I'm talking about," he smiled, "How was your first time?"
"O-oh," Felix blushed profusely, looking idly behind, "We actually haven't done it yet..."
"Oh, well that's understandable. At least he's respecting you, unlike Changbin," Seungmin scoffed, still grinning whilst tasting his hot chocolate.
"Well, about that..."
"Hm?"
"He's the one who isn't ready," Felix scratched the cartilage at his ear, "And I respect that. He's been through a lot because of it, so he's just not in the right place to become sexually active again..."
"Oh, that's so wholesome, and touching. I'm glad he has someone like you, Lix," Seungmin squinted with his smile as emphasis to the compliment, eating, "I'm so proud you found happiness after everything. Happy for both of you..."
"Thanks, Min-Min," Felix blushed, again, finishing the latte, "you should come over sometime."
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Questions [optional]
1. Thoughts on Seungmin's reason for cutting Felix and Hyunjin off for a while?
2. Do you think that Felix was honest in his reason for not telling Chan about Hyunjin?
3. Thoughts on Chanlix's relationship?
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