Please listen to the song while reading </3
┈     ┈     ┈     ⋞ 〈 ❄️ 〉 ⋟     ┈     ┈     ┈

⇒ Blueprint Apartments
1:30pm

Love is as one makes it. As fragile as their dignity, or enduring as they wish it to be. Love is nothing but an object of the mind, oftentimes what it is based on. Often times what governs the decisions of one partner.

Oftentimes what gives substance to one's life; makes it worth the suffering.

Felix reminisced on the first time that he truly loved somebody, romantically. Seo Changbin. He loved him indeed. Adored his smile, his laugh, his personality. His everything. Seo Changbin was Felix's partner, held dear to his heart. Made him feel those warm sensations on the inside; made him feel like he could do almost anything to keep their hearts molded together.

Felix also remembered how that hurt when his heart was torn from its lover; scarred, almost.

But then it met Bang Chan; beat for him. Nurtured butterflies when they'd exchange a kiss, or even a phrase, for emphasis. Felix knew that he loved Chan. So strongly, sincerely. Would have sworn that he could do anything; absolutely anything for his partner.

Especially when Chan had been sacrificing so much. Delaying his education, his progress, just to see him prosper.

But Felix wondered how it was that Changbin felt when he had fallen out of love.

How the elder would describe it, in detail. Did his heart beat a little slower than normal around the one who adored him?

Did he feel less determined to do any and everything to make Felix happy?

Did the words, "I love you," object as a false claim along the surface of his tongue?

Felix shifted. He felt awkward, in Chan's hold. They hadn't cuddled like that in a while; weeks. The younger always had an excuse. Whether it was school, work, or being too occupied with a friend to make time for his lover. Something always bordered the progress of their affection.

He sighed as Chan continued to kiss his head, humming sweet nothings near his ear. Neither was paying attention to the film on the television. Not when they could both sense it. And not when Chan was so afraid.

Felix could feel the weight of his heartbeats beneath his head. And his chest ached in empathy, for his boyfriend. But he could do nothing. Not with his level of pride; one which would heartily condemn any attempt to apologize for his distance, especially knowing the conclusion that would follow after.

Felix sighed when Chan began to hum a love song by his ear, struggling to cherish him without freeing his tears. Struggling to communicate with Felix's heart, refusing to grow hopeless even though it looked elsewhere.

Was it the effect of Hyunjin's words? His insinuations? His supposedly logical accusations that Chan has nothing much to offer?

Or perhaps the continuous upbringing of uncut stems from Chan's past? Making it oh so difficult for Felix to look at him the same? Trust him the same?

Love him the same?

"Little Lixie," Chan mumbled, eyes closed, arms wrapped around Felix soo tightly, as if he could already perceive the potential reality. Scared of the possibility of what could not yet be uttered. "Are you alright? You've been quiet since..."

"I'm good," Felix simpered, small and unenthusiastic, voice hoarse with his reply. "Are you okay? Enjoying the movie?"

"I'm okay," Chan smiled, more genuine than the one of his boyfriend, "but I'm not really paying attention to it. I'm just thinking..."

"Thinking? About what?"

"About us," he kissed Felix's nose when he turned some so that they could lock eyes. He tried to read Felix's. Tried so hard to find what it was that he had fallen in love with. The shine. It still lingered, but physically more than emotionally. Chan tilted his head sideways, gazing, at Felix's pupils, dreading how they failed to dilate per the usual. Hating how Felix wasn't smiling at him.

Hating how it felt as though Felix no longer loved him.

"About us and our future together," Chan took one of Felix's hands, kissing it, keeping it on his lips for a longer period of time. His eyes watered, and against his wish, a tear rolled down his cheek.

Alas, Chan's heart agreed to hopelessness. Accepted the self-claimed throne of worthlessness.

"Have you ever thought about being a Bang one day, baby? Where we'd have our own little family one day in the future," he tried to keep smiling, eyes red, "I've thought about it... quite a few times."

"Chan," Felix sighed, cupping his cheek, kissing his lips, "you're too sweet, you know that? Too sweet for me... Don't you think it's a little early to be thinking about marriage?"

"What do you mean?" Chan rolled his shoulders, anxious, "I'm not saying that we'd get married now. I just- as we're a couple... I was just thinking. I don't date for fun, Felix. I'm with you because I love you... not just for a temporary relationship," he gulped, "Do you- do you feel the same?"

"I don't date for fun either, Chan," no Channie, Felix chewed on his lip, fevered. "You're a good man, you know that?"

Chan smiled, savoring the compliment as he had not paid audible witness to one for a while. He yearned for Felix's more frequent praises. Missed when he could work out more often... to stay in better shape for his Lixie. 

"Thank you," he blushed, and another tear escaped, "I love you, Felix."

"Channie," Chan breathed out at that, relieved by the sounding of those two syllables with his lover's deep voice, "do you think that we are meant for each other." Chan stopped breathing.

He pursed his lips, head cocked to the side, arms still wrapped around his boyfriend, tighter than before. "Yes," he said, a lie narrated by his reasoning, but a truth to the love in his heart. "Do you not think so? I mean... look at how we met... all that we went through to be together. Don't you think we're meant to be?"

"I think- I think that you are meant to be with someone, Channie," Felix shifted to straddle Chan's thighs, palms holding on to either of his cheeks, wiping some tears. And then he leaned in to kiss the older blond, head bent with the gesture, slipping some tongue in. Savoring what he intended to put an end to in a short moment. "But it isn't me."

"Felix," Chan's breath hitched, and he gulped when Felix pulled away. His face did not have the strength to scrunch with his cry. The tears just sped down, expressionless, either of his hands seeking Felix's from his face to hold them, scared to let go. "Felix, what do you mean by this?"

"Channie," Felix whispered, attempting to take back his hands from Chan, but frowning when the elder held on tighter, "I think- I think that we should break up."

"Felix. Felix. Felix-"

"We're not good for each other, Chan. I hurt you, with every fucking thing that I do, even if you won't admit it. And you hurt me without realizing it," Felix let his own tears fall, shoulders rising and dropping with his sobs. "So I think it's best if we just... break up."

"Felix," was all Chan could say, breaths sharp and short, hands shaking, sweating. His chest hurt. Physically. As if a stone was flung at its left side. Chan almost assumed that he was about to have a heart attack. He released one of Felix's hands, holding his chest, shaking his head. "Felix, don't do this to me, please."

"Look at you, Chan," Felix tried to free his other hand, sighing when Chan's grip was still too strong, "look at you. Look at what I'm doing to you. Staying in this relationship isn't going to make anything better. You're just going to endure and keep hurting yourself. Neither of us is happy-"

"I am happy with you, Felix," Chan raised his voice, face lined all over with the salty water. His nostrils flared, and strings of saliva sketched with the opening of his mouth. "I love you, Felix. I fucking love you, and I always will. What- what could have possibly made you think that I'm not happy? I am happy and in love with you, Felix. So come up with a different reason."

"I just can't, Chan. I can't go on with you-"

"Is there somebody else, Lix? Hyunjin? Is it him?" Chan scoffed when Felix looked down, quiet, "What does he have that I don't, Lix? Because he's studying? Succeeding? Long hair? Fit? Has more money than me? Is it because I've been gaining weight-"

"It's because I don't love you anymore, Chan." Felix echoed over Chan's rambling, silencing them both. Only sniffles could be heard. And Chan felt that pain again. Hurt more than the last.

Life...

Life had no meaning anymore.

There sat no difference, in Chan's heart, between a state of lovelessness, and lifelessness.

"What changed," he whimpered, squeezing Felix's hand one more time before it was snatched away, too weak to fight for it. Too weak to fight for his love. "What changed, Felix? What did I do? You mean so much to me. You mean everything to me... What changed?"

"My heart changed, Chan," Felix stood up, wiping his tears and marching toward the front door, fixing on his coat. "Neither of us is in a place to talk about this now, Channie- Chan. I'm leaving for a bit... maybe back tonight to get some stuff. But take a break, please. We will continue talking tonight."

Felix opened the door. Sturdy steps guided him out, Chan trailing behind. And noticing the older following, persistent and almost dramatic when he left the door open to ensure that they remain a close distance, Felix quickened his pace.

And so did Chan. Not caring about how it would look. Unbothered by the eyes of bypassers who observed their subtle chase when they arrived in the parking lot.

Chan just wanted Felix.

Kept chasing Felix.

Was willing to risk every single aspect of his sorry life for Felix.

"Felix," he called at the slimmer blond higher up the sidewalk, legs weak, eyes blurred, senses lost, "Felix, please. I can't do it- Let's talk now, please."

Felix ignored his lover-- ex-lover's call and crossed the street. It was a red light; a careless risk. But anything to get away from Chan for the moment.

Anything to-

Boom.

Crash.

Wails.

Felix looked back. His heart stopped for two seconds or more, watching as havoc shuffled the traffic that he had just left behind.

He looked around, trembling, crying, screaming.

Where the hell was the blond man who was tailing him merely a minute prior? Where was the voice that was playing his name like a record broken in the loveliest yet most heart-wrenching manner?

Where stood the man that he had broken?

Felix kept looking, eyes landing on where a crowd was gathering. On one lane were two cars, their fronts merged together, fatal. Frozen from shock, he was not sure of what to do when the driver and passenger struggled out of one; they looked familiar. Too familiar for such a setting. Too familiar for Felix's condition, considering what that day was already serving.

From the other vehicle stepped a woman, more frightened than injured. And finally, unsteady yet determined steps drew Felix to where the crowd was growing. And with nothing but mental strength, he pushed through.

Pushed through.

Felix regretted everything from the beginning, hoping that his ex-boyfriend would pull through.

-

⇒ ADON Hospital
4:05pm

"It's gonna be okay- he's gonna be okay," the black-haired male reassured the one leaning on his shoulder, sniffling. "Don't blame yourself, baby... You didn't see him coming..."

"You would've," the more distressed one wiped his cheeks, clinging closer to his boyfriend's arm, "you would've seen him coming. This is why I don't like driving, Bin. This would've never happened if you were behind the wheel. It's all my fucking fault-"

"Hey hey hey," Changbin pressed an index finger over the other's lips, pressing his lips over it, "stop that. Neither of us saw him. It was so sudden. Nothing was your fault, Jeongin. Stop blaming yourself," he sighed, glancing at the unconscious patient on the bed in that cozy room.

But just then did the mentioned man begin to stir awake. A thick bandage was wrapped around his forehead, and a neckbrace kept his neck in a clearly uncomfortable posture. Everything below his stomach was covered with a blanket, a decent scrub over his chest.

"What the hell," he tried to exclaim, panicking when his jaw hurt. Everything hurt. His eyes widened, struggling to look down due to the position of his head.

He could not feel his legs.

"What the fuck," he cried again, straining to bend his fingers, attracting the attention of the couple in the room. "What happened? And where's Felix? What's wrong with me? I can't feel my legs," his breaths quickened, heart monitor beeping ceaselessly.

Struggling to decipher the man's muffles, Changbin instructed Jeongin to get a nurse, flashing her a warm smile when she entered.

"He's awake," Changbin mumbled, guilty, wondering where the hell Felix was at a time as such. "I don't understand everything that he's saying..."

"Chan Christopher Bang?" The woman read from her notepad, her voice sweet, unknowingly causing the man more fright with the rendition of his full name, "how are you feeling?"

"What happened..."

"You were involved in an accident, do you remember that?" She sounded reassuring, stroking Chan's head with one hand, "but everything is all right now, okay? We're gonna do our best to get you back up again. Just try to relax, okay? The doctor will be coming soon and then you'd sign a few documents before your surgery."

"Where's Felix-"

"These nice men are also here for you," she pointed at Changbin and Jeongin, Chan not caring. She then looked up at the monitor, concerned about his heart rate, "I need you to calm down for me, Chan."

"Where's Felix," Chan tried to move, crying harder when he couldn't, "Where's Felix? I just want to see Felix. Where is he? Where is Lee Felix?"

"Who's Felix?" She turned to the other two, glancing back at the monitor every few seconds. But then she paused, apprehensive of the possible outcomes if Chan remained so unsettled with his pressure; a stroke on top of his condition was the last thing that they needed. She then pressed a button on something that hung around her neck, asking that the couple step out for the moment.

More nurses rushed in, one petting Chan's face whilst another held his arm so that the third could inject something; another needle upon the drips attached to his right.

"Felix," Chan persisted with the chorus, getting drowsy, eyes closing, "Where is my Felix..."

┈ ┈ ┈ ⋞ 〈 ❄️ 〉 ⋟ ┈ ┈ ┈

[A/N]
I cried. Like cries cried. Like tears, mucus cry. Why did I do this? I don't even know what to ask.

Questions [optional]
1. What do you think about how the breakup went?

2. Thoughts on this chapter?

3. Do you think that anybody should be blamed for what happened?

4. What do you think about Felix's absence from the hospital?