August 30th, 2017

I slipped on a red jumper over my head, trying to find the right thing to wear, something that spoke to who I was and how I felt. But after a quick once over, I decided that it wasn't right for me and took it off. I put on a yellow blocked jumper thinking that it would work better, but after another check in the mirror, I felt like it wasn't quite right either.

At that moment, I realised that I was trying too hard. Who exactly was I trying to impress or prove myself to? I didn't even know the answer to that question. I stared at my reflection through the mirror; my hair was a dishevelled mess, eyebags were somehow showing despite fixing my sleeping pattern and self-care routine, I was slowly gaining weight that I had lost. But of all things that had changed drastically were my eyes. Once lively and full of joy, they were now distant and uninterested.

A year had come and gone, but I still found myself alone. Your absence still echoed in my ears. Summer had never been the same without you, and the season carried a bittersweet connotation. Our pictures were still hung up on the walls, and the mere sight of them broke me down. Your smile still lingered in my head, haunting me with its beauty and complexity.

And then, I caught sight of your red notebook, sitting innocuously on my bedside desk, and I felt my body start to ache. It kept me away from the sweet release of sleep. The memories and emotions that surfaced when I stared at it were both comforting and suffocating.

I let out a heavy sigh, slipped the yellow jumper off me, and pulled on something different. Before closing my wardrobe shut, I spied my black-and-white striped jumper hung there, hidden away from the world to see. It elicited a twinge of nostalgia, reminding me of another time when things were different.

I grabbed my black baseball cap from the couch and made my way towards the door. But before leaving my house, I stopped in front of the table where the fallen lily vase lay in a pile of broken glass. My eyes narrowed at them out of anger and frustration and a deep-seated hurt, but then I shook my head and put my cap on instead. It was time to leave all that heartache and sorrow behind. To finally move on.

[KIM SEOKJIN'S LETTERS]

Dear Nari,

I dreamt of you night after night after night, and we were happily in love. But it was just a dream. Recently, I've been reminded of you in the little things I encounter each day. A glimpse of you in a picture, echoes of your voice in someone else's, an old song that used to make our hearts sing, or even a random word that brings you to mind. It's made me realise that I've been dreaming of you all this time, and I miss you in the simple details that always spoke of you. I miss your infectious laughter at the things that would have made you smile, the simple wonders of nature that you would have admired, the songs you would have adored, and the stories we would have shared. But sometimes, love means letting go and accepting that some dreams are meant to stay in our hearts.

Just know that I'll always miss you, my Lily. You'll always have a special place in my heart.

From your love, Kim Seokjin.