Fourteen

At first, Lilith couldn't really process the events that had occurred. For over a half an hour, she lay on the bathroom floor as blood trickled out from the cuts on her forearm and cheek. She couldn't understand anything past the pulsing in her ears and the throbbing in her temples.

She wasn't sure if it was the vaguely-concerned, "Lilith?" that emanated from the other side of the bathroom door or something inside her own subconscious that finally snapped her back to reality but before she knew it, Lilith was sitting back upright. Nothing she did could stop the room from spinning or her thoughts from flying off in all directions.

"Lilith?"

After a moment, she blinked. The voice on the other side founded unfamiliar – at first. Then she blinked again and realized that it was Marlene speaking.

"Lilith..."

And again came the incessant tap-tap-tapping.

"...Yeah. One sec." Lilith planted her hands against the sink and pushed herself to her feet, her vision swimming. A quick glance in the mirror revealed thick black circles under her eyes. Her chin was dotted with red where Abraxas had grabbed her.

Here's hoping she won't ask any questions.

With a huff, she adjusted the hem of her shirt, rubbed her eyes with the back of one hand, and opened the door before her subconscious could stop her.

"Hey," she said. When she saw the evident look of relief flash across Marlene's features, a heavy feeling settled in Lilith's chest.

"Hey."

"I..." Marlene pressed her lips together, gaze to the side. "I didn't see you come out so I figured I'd check on you."

Her gaze flicked to the thin cuts on Lilith's skin, at both her forearms and at her chin. Lilith's cheeks warmed under the inquisitive look in Marlene's. Though the marks were no thicker than paper cuts, they would certainly be no easy topic to explain.

And indeed, luck was certainly not on Lilith's side.

"Lilith... what are these?" Marlene reached out and made to touch the cuts with her white-tipped nails.

Lilith flinched back. Before she could think of an adequate response, she spat out, "I had a panic attack."

"So you..."

"Uh..." Lilith shuffled her feet with a knot in her stomach. "My nails. I... was having issues."

"I see."

Marlene reached out again, only to stop herself mere inches away from Lilith's skin. Lilith saw the dried blood reflected in Marlene's nails.

"Please don't," Lilith said, taking another step back. "It's really nothing serious."

"Lilith, you're bleeding."

She shook her head and turned back to the bathroom mirror, tracing the marks that Abraxas had left with shaking fingers. With her other hand, she turned on the sink. Her eyes never left her reflection in the mirror.

Marlene placed one foot in the doorway and Lilith caught her eye in the mirror.

"What are you doing?" Lilith asked.

"I wanted to help."

Lilith reached blindly for a cloth at the side of the sink. "I got it."

"Are..." Marlene pressed her lips together. "Are you sure?"

"I've got it," Lilith repeated. The words pricked her tongue like thorns and did nothing to ease the coiling ball of nerves inside of her stomach. She looked back to her reflection and dabbed at the blood at her cheek. Water seeped into the split skin and made Lilith flinch, but she pressed on anyway.

"Lilith."

She moved to her forearm and scrubbed until she thought her skin would go numb. Not even the intense heat registered to her. That is, until Marlene strode into the bathroom, turned off the sink with the flick of her wrist, and gently took the rag from Lilith's hands.

"Lilith," she said in a soft tone. Lilith could tell she was trying to meet her gaze in the mirror.

"Hmm?"

"What really happened?'

What does it look like? Lilith's eyes followed as the older woman ran the rag across the cuts again. A demonic piece of shit appeared, started messing with my head, and managed to physically harm me before he left. She met Marlene's gaze in the mirror for only a heartbeat.

But that's the most asinine explanation, isn't it?

"I really should tell your dad about this," Marlene began. She swiped the rag over Lilith's cheek before letting it hit the sink with a slap. The older woman gave an exhausted sigh and wiped her blonde hair back. "I should take my cell phone out and tell him – no, I should make you tell him yourself."

Lilith swallowed, her knees wobbling and threatening to give out underneath her.

"But at this rate, it really would solve nothing. You've seen too many therapists as it stands..." Blue eyes found brown. "The only thing it would do is rile Russle up. With the way things have turned out... that's not a good idea." She turned around and planted her hands on the edges of the sink.

"Don't misunderstand me, Lilith. It's not that I'm not concerned for your well-being."

The way the word 'concerned' spilled from Marlene's lips made Lilith's stomach twist.

"And I'm certainly not excusing your actions, either. But at this rate—"

"Wait." Lilith held up a finger, her gaze darting from Marlene's face to her feet and back again. "You think I did that on purpose? To myself?"

Marlene's nose scrunched. "Well... it's what happened, isn't it?"

And it's the only conclusion she could draw... Abraxas's voice echoed in her thoughts. Humans are such trivial things.

"Oh," she said at last.

"Is there something I'm missing here?" Marlene asked. Her tone was unsure and stern in equal measure. "I'm nearly positive that you were the only one in this bathroom this afternoon."

If only that were the truth."Right." It felt wrong to leave her response at that, but it was all Lilith could say.

Marlene took several deep breaths, looking Lilith up and down repeatedly before finally pinching the bridge of her nose and huffing.

"Lilith, I'm trying. I really am."

"To...?"

"Help." Then Marlene started messing the ring in her nose. It gleamed in the bathroom light. "All I want is for you to recover from this nightmare we're all in."

Dad doesn't seem too affected anymore, Lilith wanted to say. Instead she pressed her lips together and gave a firm nod.

"It's bad enough that Oliver..." Marlene sighed again. "It's bad enough that Oliver committed suicide. Believe me, it was the last thing any of us wanted to have happen. But it did. Maybe it had to. Maybe it was necessary for him to die in order for you to finally –"

"I really wish you wouldn't put it like that," Lilith cut in. She stared pointedly at Marlene's nose, fighting hard between the deep-seated melancholy and the white-hot anger that warred inside her head. Part of her wanted to lunge at Marlene and beat her skull in for saying such things. Another part of her – one more rational in thought and perhaps the only sane part of her – thought it better to stand there and say nothing else.

In the end, it was a third side of her that won over.

"Really," Lilith continued, feeling as though the words she said were not her own. "There is nothing wrong with me. I wish you all would stop assuming so." She narrowed her eyes. Inside of her brain, a part of her was screaming its protests. "I wish everyone would stop treating me like I'm fragile. I'm not made of glass, dammit! I'm made of flesh and blood, just like the rest of you!"

But am I?

Lilith shrugged the thought off and pressed on. "If I fall, I'm not going to shatter. None of you have to walk on eggshells around me – I know very well the circumstances. You all don't have to pretend to care. It'd be better if you just flat-out didn't."

What are you saying? some part of her continued to scream. This isn't like me at all!

But it isn't you, is it, Little Dove?

Lilith's blood ran cold. Her knees gave away for a split-second before she righted herself again.

Marlene, on the other hand, looked as though Lilith had slapped her. She slumped back against the sink, eyes widened just the slightest bit.

As sick as it made her feel, there was a part of Lilith that enjoyed the shock on Marlene's face.

"I-I'm sorry," Lilith spat out.

No, you're not.

"It's... It's okay," Marlene replied, much to Lilith's shock. "I guess I kind of expected that. Maybe I deserved it." The hand messing with her nose ring came to her side. "But..."

Why are you backing out now, Little Dove? Don't tell me you're afraid?

Lilith squashed the instinct to plant her hands over her ears.

"Can we pretend this never happened?" she asked. "Please?" When Marlene pressed her lips together, Lilith added, "It won't happen again, I promise. Just, can we please put this aside?"

Deep inside her head, Abraxas hissed. You're pathetic.

"I..."

"Marlene..." A lump formed in Lilith's throat, "Please. It won't happen again, I promise. I just lost control for once. I was overwhelmed. I—"

"Stop."

Tears pricked the corners of Lilith's eyes. She blinked and looked away, jaw clenched as she fought to keep the tears at bay.

Here it comes. First your dad, then your therapist. Now her. Now –

"We can put it past us," Marlene said after several seconds.

Lilith's pulse thundered in her ears and her hands shook.

"But only if this doesn't happen again. If I find you in another position like this... I have to say something, Lilith. Morally, I'm obligated to. It's bad enough that I'm letting it slide now. But... if this won't happen again, I'll keep my mouth shut."

"It won't. I swear it won't. I promise, I'll be fine from now on. I'll –"

Marlene lifted a hand and Lilith closed her mouth once more.

"Don't promise me those things, please. Until you can prove it, they're just words." She met Lilith's anxious gaze. "Words are exhausting, Lilith. Actions, though? Actions are what count here."

"Okay."

"Go have a nap, okay? Or call over Jack and Cole; I'm sure they're getting worried. I'll make supper for all of us. How does that sound?"

Lilith thought she would fall over; such was the relief she felt when the weight in her chest lifted. "That sounds nice," she replied. "Thank you."

"Any special requests?"

Lilith shook her head.

"Okay." Marlene folded her arms. "Hey."

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry." The older woman averted her gaze. "For all of this. I know it's been hard on you. It's been hard on all of us."

Lilith weighed this over for only a second before she nodded. "I'm sorry, too," she replied. "I guess you could say I've been pretty bratty about this."

Marlene didn't reply.

You're so fucking pathetic, Abraxas said, his voice reverberating inside Lilith's skull. You could've let me handle it, yet you backed out for fear of hurting her feelings. Oh the feelings. You humans are a nuisance.

"Then why are you here?" Lilith almost said. It took everything she had to not vocalize this. She squeezed her eyes shut and lowered herself to the ground.

When she looked up, Marlene was gone.

I could say that I find amusement in your uneasiness, but that would be a terrible lie. Not that lying itself makes me feel guilty in the slightest, Little Dove. But now you're just making me angry.

"I'm not sorry for that."

Of course you're not. Not yet.

Lilith didn't even want to try to interpret what he meant by that.

#

Her fingers shook so much that it was a miracle she was able to punch all the numbers into her phone without messing up the first time. She wasn't even sure who it was she was calling until Jack answered with a muffled, "Hello?"

"J-Jack..."

"Lilith? What's up? You sound upset."

Lilith pinched the bridge of her nose. "You could say that."

"Do you want me to come over?"

"I want you both over." Lilith pulled her knees to her chest. "I'm losing my fucking head."

Her voice shook with every syllable. She abhorred it.

"Is that Lilith?" she heard Cole ask.

"Yeah."

"Jack, please." Her gut twisted as she choked out the words. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes and she loathed it. She loathed herself for sounding so weak.

"Of course. We'll be right over. Hang tight, okay? It'll be fine. It'll be okay."

Lilith nodded, only to realize that Jack couldn't see it. Then the phone was beeping in her ear and she was halfway to the floor with a rock-sized lump in her throat. She let out a choked sob.

They won't be able to help you, Little Dove. They can't get rid of something they can't see.

Lilith clapped her hands over her ears and whimpered. "Just go away already! I don't want you inside my head!"

It's not up to you.

The back of her head met the side of her bed. She dug her toes into the carpet, tears trailing down her cheeks, and let the pain envelope her.

"Go the fuck away!" she screeched.

No can do, Little Dove. I--

All at once, his voice was gone. Lilith curled her body up until it was difficult to breathe. Her ribcage pressed into her thighs. Her lungs couldn't expand inside her chest. In that moment, Lilith was well and truly terrified.

That's when she heard something shatter from the living room.

What the...

Her hands fell from her ears. The lump shrank until it was easier for her to catch her breath. She stretched her legs out and craned her head in the direction of the crash.

"One day, you will remember the name Abraxas."

Her stomach clenched. Lilith leaped to her feet and bolted for the door, heart hammering. Whatever Abraxas was up to, her entire body told her that it wasn't good.

The hallway raced past her in a blur. Faces melted together. Bodies distorted inside their picture frames. Time sank through her fingers, too fast to catch.

Everything came to a halt when she heard his voice.

"I don't think God can save you now," he said. His hair was like strands of fire on top of his skull. Two small horns parted the orange inferno, one on either side of his head and curled in a near-perfect spiral. His gaze, though not directed at her, burned like smoldering coals.

Oliver...

Memories flashed through her brain, one after another. Her, six years old and riding his shoulders. Her first day of middle school, being cheered up after a day of relentless teasing by a carton of ice cream and two spoons. The day she found his body, half in and half out of their bathtub and his blood painting the ceramic in a macabre symphony...

Lilith's heart stopped. The man standing next to Oliver, who she hadn't noticed until then, was staring directly at her. Shock lined his features.

"Something the matter?" Oliver asked.

"Oh my God," she choked out. Her words were more air than anything else. Even still, her brother and the man standing next to her caught their meaning. Oliver turned.

There's no mistaking it. That's...

"Oliver?" she asked. Her voice cracked, betraying the vicious whirlwind of emotions she was fighting so hard to control. Anger sang through her blood, overwrought with the waves of sadness and longing that turned her stomach into a storm.

His eyes widened until she thought they would pop out of his sockets. Confusion, then recognition, flickered across his face.

"Lilith...?"

It was too much for her to bear. Lilith's knees cracked against the floorboards and she openly sobbed.