Trigger warning: Please check the end notes for details

I spent S O  L O N G working on the first part of this chapter so be prepared for a brutal, emotionally taxing, gut wrenching chapter :)

Wednesday, June 20th, 2018: 6:48 PM

It was raining, pouring hard and fast, and it had been all day. Virgil thought it was fitting. He walked the almost mile to Remus's house despite the rain, completely soaked by the time he had made it. Virgil didn't even process feeling cold. There were bigger things to worry about.

Virgil hopped the fence and made his way over to the large oak tree that was beneath Remus's window. Virgil picked up a few pebbles and started tossing them at Remus's window. That was how Virgil got to Remus anytime he wanted to hang out. It was normal. It was routine. Except it wasn't: after tonight there would be no more eating junk food at 3 am, no making fun of teachers behind their backs, no getting drunk in the woods behind Remus's house. Because after tonight, Virgil was never going to see Remus again.

Finally, the window slid open, and Remus popped his head out. Virgil almost laughed because, in the grand scheme of things, Remus looked so ridiculous. His hair was tangled, his stupid mustache that could barely be considered a mustache was a mess, and Virgil could guarantee he was wearing those dumb little shorts he liked to sleep in. And Virgil? Virgil loved Remus for all of it. Virgil loved him.

"Are we gonna dance in the rain?" was Remus's first question and Virgil couldn't tell if the sound he let out was a laugh or a sob.

"No, you dumbass. Can I come up?"

"I guess, you weirdo," that meant yes. Virgil knew Remus: his quirks, his hopes, his fears. And Virgil also knew that he'd never be able to forget them, no matter how hard he tried.

Virgil pulled himself up the tree, just like he always did. Just like he would never do again.

Remus grabbed his hand to help pull him through the window. They weren't that far apart. Remus was wearing the shorts. Virgil almost smiled. When Remus tried to move away from the window, Virgil remained, gripping both of Remus's hands.

"Are you sure you don't wanna go dance in the rain," Remus questioned excitedly, looking out the window. He always seemed to have so much energy. Virgil just shook his head, having suddenly lost his words.

"You're being weird," Remus said, wrinkling his nose.

"You love it," Virgil whispered. Remus wiggled his eyebrows and Virgil laughed, maybe a bit more than normal.

"So what do you wanna do?" Remus questioned.

"Nothing," Virgil answered.

"Nothing?" Remus repeated.

"Nothing,"

"So you just wanna stand in my room in your wet clothes? Or, I mean, you could take them off, since, ya know, they're wet," Remus smirked.

"You're so gross," Virgil said in faux annoyance, shoving Remus a little. Remus stuck his tongue out, "So I wanna kiss you," Virgil blurted out. Instantly, he slapped a hand over his mouth and took a step backward, "Shit," he whispered, the hand that was covering his mouth falling, "Fuck, I didn't mean to– I didn't mean–"

"You didn't?" Remus asked. He looked confused and angry.

"No! I mean yes!" Virgil stammered, twisting his fingers together anxiously, "I meant it but I didn't mean to just... say it out of nowhere," Virgil sighed, "Fuck, this is not how this was supposed to go,"

"I wanna kiss you too," Remus said, watching Virgil carefully, "I thought you knew that?"

"Well, I mean, I don't know?" Virgil said, voice high-pitched.

"What about Alastor?" Remus asked.

Virgil's posture turned rigid, "Fuck Alastor," he spat, voice full of venom.

Remus smiled in that way that always made him look slightly unsettling, "Yeah! Fuck Alastor!" Remus stepped forward, grabbing Virgil around the waist and spinning the two of them around a few times. Virgil laughed, and for a second it didn't matter that the wet clothing on his skin felt terrible, or that he would have to walk back home, or that by this time tomorrow night Roman and he would be halfway across the state. Virgil felt like this could last forever.

Remus set Virgil down and moved his hands to cradle Virgil's face, still smiling. "Hell yeah!" he exclaimed, "Let's do this shit!"

Virgil laughed (and maybe he was crying a little but who cared), and leaned forward to meet Remus in a kiss. It was so different than kissing Alastor. Kissing Remus actually meant something. Virgil felt like it would never end. He was wrong.

Remus pulled away to breathe and Virgil smiled sadly, "I have to go," he whispered, squeezing Remus's hands.

"What?" Remus asked, his brow furrowed, "Why would you wanna do that? C'mon, spend the night! You know my parents don't give a shit!"

Virgil shook his head softly, "I have to go," he repeated, voice cracking.

Remus looked so confused and upset and Virgil hated himself for making him feel that way, "Okay," he said, still sounding upbeat, "Well bye bye then!" Virgil just hummed, not responding directly.

He let go of Remus's hands as he turned back to the window, pushing it open. Virgil grabbed the window frame, but froze, thinking about what was really happening. This would be the last time he would ever see Remus. 'I love you.' he wanted to say, 'I love you and I'm so sorry but I would never forgive myself if something happened to you, so I have to do this,' Instead, Virgil flipped around, pulling Remus towards him for another kiss. It was more aggressive than Virgil meant it to be, but he really couldn't care less. Virgil kissed Remus until he absolutely had to pull away to breathe.

"Jesus, V, and I thought I was the horny one!"

Virgil laughed loudly. It came out sadder than he had meant it to, "Bye Remus," Virgil said, eyes scanning over Remus, "Thank you. Just... thanks. Bye,"

Remus laughed and planted a kiss on his cheek, "See ya tomorrow, asshole," Remus said jokingly. If only he knew how terrible Virgil truly was. He would find out soon enough Virgil supposed.

Virgil slipped out of the window, scaled the tree down to the grass, hopped the fence, and began his walk home. Virgil waited until he had walked a block or two to start crying. He sobbed the entire walk home.

When he finally got home, Roman took one look at him and ceased his packing, running to gather Virgil in his arms. Virgil felt numb.

It was raining. Virgil usually loved the rain. Virgil looked outside, and decided he hated the rain.

———

Monday, October 12th, 2020

Virgil was mad. Therapy was fucking stupid. Forgiveness was fucking stupid. Emile had managed to pick up on how Virgil's self-loathing seemed amplified during the session and had pulled on the thought like it was string until it unraveled. So maybe Virgil refused to forgive themself for leaving their best friend behind in the hands of a predator even if it had been years. Big whoop. But Emile had pushed and pushed and pushed until suddenly, "Do you think maybe you're having such a hard time forgiving Roman because you don't even understand what it's like to forgive yourself?"

Virgil had stood up, muttered, "See you next week," and walked out.

They had sat on the curb outside for ten minutes, glaring at the concrete, until Patton pulled up. The car ride was silent.

Virgil stormed inside once they had gotten home, collapsing on the couch aggressively.

"He didn't mean it, you know," Patton spoke up suddenly, startling Virgil.

"What?"

"What Roman said: he didn't mean that. It was an accident and I think you're being too hard on him, kiddo. He feels really terrible."

Virgil gritted their teeth, blood boiling, "I'm sorry that I don't always fit into this... this perfect family you want Patton but my feelings are my feelings and I can be mad as long as I want,"

Patton's eyebrows knitted together, "What? What are you talking about, V?"

"I'm allowed to be mad!" Virgil yelled, standing from the couch, "Not all of us can be happy all the time like you Patton!"

"I'm not happy all the time, kiddo, you know that, and it's been a struggle for me to show negative emotions. I don't understand why you're turning this on me,"

"Cause, I'm tired of you ignoring how dysfunctional this family is," Virgil muttered angrily.

"Now we've had our challenges but dysfunctional doesn't really feel accurate there, Virge," Virgil scoffed loudly, "Have you ever considered..." Patton started carefully, "that you've spent most of your life in an abusive household, and 'cause of that, you don't really understand what a family should act like?"

Virgil seemed taken aback, "No! That's not– no!"

"Okay, kiddo," Patton said softly, trying to prevent them from panicking too much, "You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, V, I know you usually like to be alone after therapy,"

Virgil hesitated, shifting where they stood.

"Or... do you need a hug?" Patton guessed, confused; Virgil always went straight to their room after therapy, social battery spent, and they didn't usually want to be touched either.

"I'm not a child, Patton, I don't need a hug," Virgil spat crossing their arms on their chest.

'But you are,' Patton wanted to say, 'You're still a child and I'm still one of the adults responsible for you and your well being,' "Okay," he said instead, careful to keep his tone neutral, "But, would you like a hug?"

Virgil was clearly conflicted, and they looked ready to burst into tears at any moment. Patton stood still, not talking, making sure Virgil didn't feel cornered. It took longer than Patton would have liked for them to finally relax and go to Patton. Patton wrapped them in a hug immediately; petting their hair as they cried into his shirt.

"I'm a terrible person," Virgil said in between sobs.

"No, no, you aren't sweetheart," Patton soothed, rubbing their back, "You aren't,"

"I am," Virgil cried, "I left him. I– I promised I wouldn't and then I left him,"

Patton frowned, confused, "I don't know what you mean, kiddo,"

"I left him," Virgil continued, not seeming to hear Patton, "I knew and I still left him there, I'm terrible,"

"Virgil, it's okay," Patton exclaimed, trying frantically to get Virgil to calm down, "It's just you and me, buddy, you don't need to worry about anything else right now," Virgil said something unintelligible, still sobbing into Patton's shirt, "Let's sit down, okay kiddo?" Patton said softly, "That's all you need to worry about right now, just sitting down on the couch with me," Virgil let themself be dragged to the couch, collapsing onto it as soon as Patton started to lower them down. Patton dropped to the floor, kneeling in front of Virgil, and grabbed their hands. Their sobbing had died down to a few hiccups and a stray tear and Patton could tell they were probably dissociating. He rubbed their hands gently, feeling out of his depth.

They sat there, the room silent except for the clatter of rain on the house, until Roman got home. Entering the living room, he froze, clearly contemplating if he should leave the room to continue to give Virgil space. Patton smiled, and let go of one of Virgil's hands to reach out to Roman, prompting him to come forward. Roman did so slowly, coming to kneel next to Patton.

"What's wrong?" Roman said quietly; Patton wasn't sure if Roman was talking to him or Virgil, but Patton decided to answer seeing as Virgil still didn't seem very aware of anything at the moment.

"I'm not sure, I don't understand what they're talking about," Patton said, some frustration seeping into their words.

"It's okay, love," Roman responded quickly, "we're all here to help each other." Patton nodded but didn't seem completely satisfied.

Roman placed his hand in Virgil's, squeezing it, "Hey, V," Roman started softly, "You okay? What's going on?"

Virgil didn't move from the position they had been in since Patton helped them to the couch, nor did their face betray any emotion, "It's raining," was all they said, voice sounding hollow.

Patton didn't understand; Virgil usually loved the rain, but now they sounded upset about it.

Roman, however, understood instantly, "I know, V," he said softly, knowing that Virgil's statement was a lot deeper than it appeared, "I know. It's okay,"

Virgil suddenly broke from their stillness, pulling their hands away to wrap around their torso as they began to hyperventilate, "I left him! We have to go back, he's– we have to–"

"Okay," Roman responded, voice sounding solid but not stern, "It's okay, I promise. You've just gotta lie down, okay?"

Virgil was still panicked and was clearly confused, but they didn't argue as Roman and Patton helped them lay down on the couch. Roman turned on The Nightmare Before Christmas while Patton made sure Virgil had a pillow and blanket.

Virgil looked to be catatonic again, staring at the tv blankly. Roman and Virgil left them alone, moving into the kitchen.

It was raining, pouring hard and fast, and it had been all day. Virgil hated the rain. 

Trigger Warnings:
Implied background sexual assault/rape
Dissociation

I literally cried while writing the first bit and I.... don't cry so I hope that gives you an indication of just how much of my heart I put into that.

Thanks for reading!!!
-Apollo