Trigger warning. Please check end notes for more details.

Saturday, October 10th, 2020: 5:06 PM

"Come in," Virgil called in response to the knock at their door, adjusting their (Remy's) skirt.

Roman inched the door open, "Hey," he said softly, "Can we talk?" He looked better than he had yesterday, clearly having rested.

"Um, yeah," Virgil said, deflating a little at the prospect of having to talk about feelings, especially after their breakdown the previous day.

Roman left the door cracked, walking over to the bed where Virgil was sitting. He sat down slowly, watching Virgil carefully for a moment. Roman smiled as he finally noticed Virgil's outfit, "I like the skirt, V," he said softly, genuinely.

Virgil relaxed a little, "Uh, thanks," they muttered.

It was silent for a few moments after that, until Roman took a breath and began speaking, "I'm so sorry for what I said, my darling," he whispered, "I'm sure it has already been explained to you that I was in the midst of an episode and had gotten very little sleep," Vigil nodded silently, "Of course, that is no excuse," Roman continued, almost in a frenzy, "And that is not why I mention it! I simply– what I am trying to say–"

Virgil grabbed Roman's hand and squeezed gently. Roman laughed sadly, "Thank you, V," Virgil nodded, staring at their intertwined hands instead of Roman's face.

"I am telling you that what I said the other day was said in the midst of an episode where I was not thinking clearly so that you understand that I don't actually believe what I implied, Virgil,"

Virgil froze for a moment, fiddling with Roman's fingers, "It's uh... it's whatever," they muttered.

"No," Roman said stiffly, "No it is not just, 'whatever' Virgil. I will not allow you to once again make excuses for an adult whose actions are no fault but their own,"

Virgil scoffed, "It's fine, Roman, I get it. You don't have to get upset,"

Roman sighed, using the hand not occupied with Virgil's to brush a stray curl out of their face, "I'm not upset, my prince; or not at you, I'm not," Virgil frowned, confused, "What I said was wrong, no matter the reason I said it. You are allowed to make sure I am held accountable for my poor actions and you are allowed to be upset, or sad, or angry,"

Virgil guffawed, pushing Roman's hand away, "Oh shut up," they snarled angrily, curling away from Roman, "I don't need to hear that shit from you,"

"Yes you do," Roman responded instantly, "You don't have to be so quick to move on Virgil. You seemed really upset. You have every right to be,"

"I'm upset at myself, Roman!" Virgil yelled, "And I'm upset that I'm so fragile that you can't say anything to me!"

Roman frowned, "I can assure you, Virgil, that you are not–"

"Oh my god!" Virgil interrupted, "Shut up!"

Roman stopped talking, eyes wide.

"You said no, Roman!" Virgil pushed themself off the bed, turning to face Roman where he remained sitting, "You said no but I kept pushing! Of course you got upset! You shouldn't feel bad for calling me out on my bullshit!" Roman stayed silent, frowning as he tried to understand what Virgil was saying. After a few seconds of silence, Virgil laughed, "Even now you won't do anything! I'm fucking screaming at you, Roman! You should be infuriated! Once upon a time you wouldn't have been afraid to fight back,"

Roman smiled sadly, "Oh, my lovely little nightmare, this is not a fight, and you are not my enemy. I know that. It doesn't sound like you do,"

Virgil only seemed to grow more enraged at Roman's soft tone, "Shut up! Just stop it!"

"I don't understand what you want from me, Virgil," Roman said genuinely.

"I want you to stop being so nice! I've been a complete asshole and all you do is sit there and smile and stay calm!" Virgil growled.

Roman looked confused, "I have no desire to yell at you, Virgil,"

"Exactly! You fucking should!"

Roman took a moment to look at Virgil; they were trembling, with their hands curled up into fists. Roman hadn't noticed until now just how rabid their breathing was.

"We are going in circles, Virgil. I think we may need to stop this conversation for tonight," Virgil sagged where they stood, looking disappointed and frustrated.

"Fucking fine, whatever," they muttered, turning away from Roman.

Roman stood, slowly coming to stand in front of them, "I love you," he whispered. Virgil hummed in what may have been agreement. "Do you need me to get Logan or Patton or would you rather be alone?" Roman asked.

"Alone," Virgil replied.

"Okay, we'll give you some space. I love you so much, V, okay? And I'll love you no matter what. Never forget that." Virgil nodded.

Roman walked away, shutting the door behind him. Only then did Virgil allow themself to cry.

Because Virgil did not believe him.

———

Sunday, June 2nd, 2019

"I'm not renewing our lease," Roman said softly, hands wrapped around the mug of tea in front of him.

"What?" Virgil said, staring blankly at Roman's hands, "We're... we're moving again?"

Roman cringed, guilt simmering in his chest, "I... yes, but we're staying here! You'll still go to the same school and I'll still have the same job,"

Virgil frowned, toying with his own teabag, "So where are we going," he grumbled.

Roman took a deep breath, "I... I would like us to move in with Logan and Patton," Virgil froze, face unreadable, "We can't afford to keep living like this, Virgil," Roman said frantically, trying to soothe him, "You deserve better than this. Rent will truely be so much better with three people to contribute instead of just one. Maybe I could get you an actual birthday present this year. I can't continue to let you half starve,"

"I don't care," Virgil exclaimed, "I don't care, Roman. I would rather starve than have to rely on anyone else again!"

Roman frowned, "No. You don't get to say that, Virgil. I'm the one in charge of taking care of you. You don't get to abandon your own well being for mine.

Virgil scoffed, "Well I don't fucking trust them Roman!"

"I know!" Roman exclaimed. He stopped, taking a moment to breathe and calm down; Virgil did not need Roman to yell at him, "I know," Roman repeated, softer, "But, I think I do. You know I wouldn't ever let them near you if I thought they were at all capable of hurting you,"

Virgil sunk deeper into his chair, "Yeah, well, looks can be deceiving," he muttered.

Roman sighed, "Virgil please, we can't keep going on like this. We're not going to have enough to pay for power and food. I didn't take you away from that shithole just to force you into another one,"

"Let me get a job!" Virgil threw his arms up.

"No," Roman said immediately, "You're fifteen, Virgil, I'm not going to let you do that. If you get a job it should be so that you can earn money for yourself, not so that you can overwork yourself to contribute to rent or groceries when you could be out with friends, or working on school,"

Virgil stayed stone-faced. Anyone but Roman would have thought him simply impassive to the conversation but Roman knew better; Roman knew the way Virgil clenched his jaw to try and prevent the sobs from rising up into his throat; Roman knew the way Virgil would glare angrily at the nearest object as if it could make the tears stop; Roman knew the way Virgil hugged himself tightly to hide the way he trembled; Roman knew Virgil, and he knew that this was just going to be another stressor to add on top of everything else but Roman had no other options. They couldn't afford to keep living alone, even in the cheap, shitty apartment they lived in, but there was no way Roman was gonna move in with a group of strangers. Patton and Logan had been his friends before things had turned romantic. They were not like Harvey. (Roman hoped.)

Virgil stayed quiet but Roman knew he was barely holding it together. Roman reached a hand out to the other, "I'm sorry, Virgil," he whispered, tearing up some himself, "I know it's stressful and overwhelming and scary, but ultimately it'll be for the better. We'll be in a safer environment and you'll get plenty of space for your own and I think we may even be able to splurge and buy you some new art supplies,"

Virgil looked up, shocked, "You don't need to do that, Roman. What about–"

"I do need to," Roman interrupted, "Because I am in charge of taking care of you and that includes supporting your interests in whatever way I can and helping you through hard times," Roman inched his hand close to Virgil's, "And I know this is going to be really hard for you so I want to reward your bravery, sweetheart,"

Virgil broke; ducking his head down to try and hide the tears, "Oh, V," Roman murmured, walking around the table to reach him. Virgil curled in on himself, forehead landing on the table with a gentle thump. Roman kneeled down next to Virgil, slowly placing a hand on his shoulder and starting to rub his back comfortingly, "I'm sorry," Roman whispered, "I'm sorry things keep changing and I'm sorry it's upsetting and I'm sorry that I can't give you better,"

Virgil sobbed, leaning into Roman's side, "It-it just feels li-like he's still here fucking... controlling things and we still have to- have to- we still–"

Roman shushed him gently, "Breath, Stormcloud, it's okay. Take your time,"

Virgil didn't seem to hear Roman, "Did Harvey ruin us?" he asked frantically, arms rising up to brace his head, "Is it-is this just the rest of our lives? We're never gonna be safe are we? W-we-we just have to keep running forever or he'll find us,"

"Virgil," Roman tried to interrupt.

"What-what if he finds us? He'll kill us. He'll-he'll kill you and-and make me watch!" Virgil was hyperventilating now, hands gripping his hair.

"Virgil," Roman said firmly, but not overly loud, wrapping Virgil in his arms and squeezing tightly, "It's okay. We're safe, V," Virgil continued to cry, "We're safe," Roman repeated, maneuvering Virgil's head from where it had been tucked down against his chest to rest underneath Roman's chin, "Breath, my darling," Roman said softly, petting Virgil's hair.

"We aren't ruined," Roman whispered, voice cracking, "We are going to be okay. And we get to be happy too, Virgil. He will never be able to take that away from us. Because we have each other. We'll be okay,"

Virgil did not believe him. 

Trigger Warnings:
Self deprecation
Self destructiveness

Thanks for reading!!! -Apollo