OCTOBER 1919

LARA

I was getting my earrings on in front of my vanity table when I felt the pain in my stomach again. I'd been later than usual that month and it hurt a bit more than normal, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I couldn't let it bother me though; we were going to be spending time with Erik that night and I would not allow myself to put a damper on the night he had planned. It was the first time Gustave and I had gone over there properly since we had returned home from our honeymoon.

"Are you ready, love?" Gustave had come in to check on me, which reminded me that I should have been downstairs nearly five minutes ago. "Are you alright? You seem off."

I slowly got up and I couldn't hide the sharp pain that stabbed my abdomen; I tried desperately not to, but I still winced. "Yes, I'll be downstairs in a moment."

My attempt to hide my pain proved to be in vain when I looked over at my husband's face and saw how worried he was. Without a second thought, he was right next to me and lowering me back onto the seat in front of my vanity table. "Lara, what's wrong? You're obviously dealing with something," he said.

"No, no. I'm sure it will pass in a little while." The pain was already fading away as I spoke; it must have been a heavy cramp, nothing I hadn't experienced before. "We told Erik we would go over there. Let's get going."

My answer didn't seem to satisfy him though; the look of anxiety was enough to tell me that. "Lara, if you aren't feeling well, maybe we shouldn't go. Papa will understand."

"No. We said we would be there. I'm fine, Gustave."

"Are you sure? You don't look fine." He was kneeling in front of me now, holding my hand. I gave it a squeeze to try and reassure him, which he returned.

"I said I am fine. Let's go, we're running late," I said as I stood up again.

Gustave must have realized that there was no hope for him to win the argument, as he got up as well. "Okay, okay. If you feel like you're getting any worse tonight, though, promise me that you will tell me."

"Alright. I promise I will." I took his hand and began walking downstairs. "Now come on. I've never been late for him before and I am not going to start now."

"Alright, let's go. Come on, I'll help you get your coat and shoes on."

"I'm not a child, dear. I don't need help," I said, crossing my arms as we reached the landing. It was meant to show my annoyance, but the pain had returned already and I was trying to hide it.

"I know you aren't a child, but you are in pain," he said and it reminded me that sometimes it was irritable that he could read me like a book. It made things like this much more difficult. "I just want to make sure you're as comfortable as possible."

"I'll be okay. Don't make a fuss."

Once again, he seemed to have realized that I was going to be very stubborn about the entire situation. "Okay, fine. Let's just go before I keep fussing over you and you bite my head off."

"I'm not going to do that. I still like you too much," I replied in an effort to lighten the mood. It seemed to have marginally worked seeing as Gustave cracked a small smile.

"Well, that's good. At least I still have that going for me," he practically whispered against my lips before giving me a soft kiss.

"That and much more, my dear," I responded in the same hushed tone before kissing him again.

He slowly wrapped his hand around my back and pulled me closer. Regardless of how gentle the movement was, the pressure being put on the small of my back was enough to cause another stab of pain. He must have felt my face tighten while trying not to wince as he pulled back and proceeded to look me up and down to try and figure out what was wrong. When he saw that there was nothing, he took my hand and went to the door. "Let's get going, then."

~~~~~

It was a beautiful evening, not a cloud in the sky; the smell of the leaves in fall was always one of my favourite things. It was warmer than it usually was around this time of year so we were able to walk to Erik's house. The home he had gifted us was only a twenty-minute walk from his own which made it absolutely perfect on nights like these. The thing that would have made it perfect was if the pain I was feeling would just go away. I was starting to suspect it must be something other than my monthly cramps; it must have been some form of stomach flu or a bad reaction to something I had eaten.

We made it to Erik's door and Gustave had already knocked. I could hear Erik's footsteps as he approached and Sasha barking at the thought of people being over to visit. But none of that mattered once my knees buckled and I was on the ground. Gustave must have caught me before I hit the ground; I heard him calling my name but I couldn't respond. All I could do was think about the searing pain that cut into me like a hot knife. "Lara, are you okay? What are you feeling right now?"

"Gustave, I need you to help get her inside." At some point, the door must have opened because I thought I was hearing Erik's voice.

I didn't see his face, as my eyes were closed tight in pain. I did, however, feel Gustave's arm snake around my waist. "This started just before we left, Papa, but we don't know what's going on."

"Just get her in and lay her on the couch." I could hear the anxiety in Erik's voice as he spoke.

Gustave was trying to help me stand up again but I could barely get one foot under me. "Okay. Come on, Lara. Just take your time."

"At this point, it would be best if you lifted her." Erik's voice was louder so he must have kneeled down to me. I felt a cool hand on my forehead and it was a welcome relief from the pulsing going on in my brain. I don't remember being lifted or even the journey from the front door to the living room. The next thing I knew I was on the couch and a pillow was being put under my head.

"I told you we should have just gone to the doctor," Gustave said as I felt his warm hand caress my cheek. The dimmer artificial light in the house was making it easier for me to open my eyes again. I saw Gustave kneeling next to me with a look that nearly broke my heart; I could tell he was worried and coming close to panic. I never wanted to be the cause of him having to go through all of those things. It didn't feel fair for him to have to deal with it.

Erik came back into the room at that moment; I wasn't sure where he had gone exactly, but I vaguely remembered him saying that he was going to put Sasha somewhere so that she didn't bother me. His voice was smooth as he spoke, almost as if he was trying to stay calm for everyone, including himself: "Lara, where do you feel the most pain?"

"My stomach, it...it's like really painful cramping." I was almost surprised at how weak my own voice sounded.

"Gustave, I need you to step out for a moment." I suppose my answer must have given him something to work with, but what that was I did not know.

Gustave stood up quickly and turned to his father; he could see that Erik was onto something and didn't like being left out of the loop. "Can someone ple-"

"Gustave, I will explain later, but could you please listen to me now?" Erik snapped back. I'd never heard him be so short with Gustave before and it was quite alarming.

"Fine, fine. I'll go wait in the kitchen." I could hear how tense Gustave was but he knew better than to fight with Erik on this.

"Now, Lara, please focus on me." Erik had kneeled so that I wasn't looking up at him, and I was thankful for that because the migraine was beginning to come back. "I need you to tell me exactly what has happened this morning."

I thought back to that morning and there wasn't much to tell. "Well, I woke up and everything was fine. I had minor pain but I didn't think anything of it. Nothing dramatic, it didn't last more than a few minutes."

"Alright. Then what happened?"

"Really, not much. I hadn't noticed any cramping, nothing strange. I...I had noticed a little bit of blood, but I didn't think anything of it." It was quite awkward talking about that sort of thing with my father-in-law but I remember that he had been a doctor of sorts at some point in his life.

"Have you felt dizzy at all?"

"Once or twice in the past couple of days, and again earlier today." I was trying to remember more details, and then I recalled an incident from around lunch. "I was feeling quite queasy earlier as well."

I knew that look on his face; we'd spent enough time together to know that look anywhere. He knew what was happening and was trying to figure out what to do. He put his hand on top of mine and squeezed it gently before saying, "Alright. I really think we should go to the doctor before I give you my preliminary diagnosis"

"Why? What do you think it is? Something serious?" His answer confused me; I knew that he knew what was wrong. Why wasn't he saying anything?

"I want a professional opinion to be sure."

"Oh. Alright. Can you get Gustave back now?" It was something serious; I could feel it. Erik was second-guessing himself, which was something he prided himself on never doing. "He's probably driving himself mad in the kitchen."

"On that, we can agree." A small smile spread across his face at the thought of the fact that Gustave was probably pacing the floor like a madman. "Gustave, you can come back now."

I heard the door swing open and the next thing I knew, he was at my side. Clearly, his time in the kitchen had done nothing to calm his nerves. "Are you okay, love?" he asked almost immediately.

"We're going to the doctor's," I explained before feeling around me to look for something. "Can you please grab my handbag? I had it...I must have dropped it...I don't remember."

"Lara, you didn't bring one with you." Gustave looked confused. He was being foolish. I knew I left the house with one. He must not have seen it as we were walking.

"No, I know I did...I just dropped it." I tried to get up so I could look around to see if it had fallen near the couch. "Go check at the door. I might have dropped it there."

"Lara. You didn't have one when you left our house." He was frustrating me now. How could he have not seen that I had one when I left the house?

"I know I had one...it was silver...or was it blue...I don't know, but it fell when I got here." I could feel my breathing pick up; I wanted to stop it but I had no control. I was looking at the ceiling one moment, then the floor, then Gustave. The room was spinning like a top.

"Lara, just take a deep breath for me, alright? I'm going to get her a cool cloth for her head; she can't be walking anywhere just yet. Gustave, make sure she doesn't pass out." The panic was now rising in Erik's voice as well as I heard him walk faster than normal in the direction of the kitchen.

"Lara, darling, I need you to look at me. Focus your eyes on me. Stay awake. Talk to me, alright?" Gustave said. I'm trying to regulate my breathing and focus on what he was saying, but multitasking was proving to be difficult. "You were reading on the couch earlier today. Tell me about the book. Explain it to me."

"Oh, I cannot stand the main character...the name of the book is Madame Bovary. She's so annoying; I hate her. The premise is so incomprehensible."

Gustave smiled a little at my blunt statement. "Then why don't you pick something new?"

"Because I've never left a book incomplete," I explained. He knew that about me, why was he asking?

Another sharp stab of pain hit my stomach but I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge it. It appeared that my comment had provided me with one of my favourite sounds in the world; Gustave's laughter. It was enough to make me forget everything that was happening and all the fear I should have been feeling and just focus on the fact that he was there, holding my hand, and we were going to get through the current situation together. "That much is true. Why do you hate her so much?" he asked with his infamous lopsided smile that I loved so much.

"She is so obsessed with having the life of these upper-class people whom she envies to the point where it's destroying her and her marriage," I explained. The character was truly blind to the reality of the people she wanted to emulate. "If only she knew just how insufferable people with privilege can be."

"Ah, I see. I can understand why you'd hate her. I think I would hate reading an entire book about her too."

"I just hate when people don't appreciate what they have." I raised my hand to his cheek and I realized how warm his skin was compared to my own and couldn't help but shudder.

He must have noticed how cold I was getting because he took both of my hands in his and rubbed them together. He smiled at me in hopes that he was helping, which he undoubtedly was. "Yes, of course. I know you hate that."

I heard footsteps come down the hall along with the scampering of paws as they rushed over to the living room. Sasha had yet to say hello and she was adamant about doing so; she jumped to put her front paws on my leg making it easier for me to rub her head. Erik quickly shooed her away and placed a cool cloth on my forehead. "Just lay here for a few minutes, Lara. Keep focusing on staying awake, alright?" he said. It seemed to me that his time in the kitchen had calmed down the panic that had been rising in his voice.

"I was just telling Gustave about my new book." Erik and I were always trading book recommendations and I had been intending to tell him about this one for quite some time. "You would hate the main character almost as much as I do."

"Which book is it, dear?"

"Madame Bovary."

He must have already known it given his eye roll. "Oh, yes, I've read that one. I did despise her and I know why you do too."

"I don't want to keep reading it, but I need to finish it. I don't want her to win."

"I'm a little confused as to how she could win," Gustave asked.

I realized that the statement must have been confusing. "If I stop reading because of her she has beaten me," I tried to explain, though now even I realized that the statement made little sense. Though I must have clarified something for Gustave as he leaned in and kissed me. When we parted he had the biggest smile on his face.

"Only you, my dear," he said with a laugh, and the sound made me smile even more as Erik joined in.

"Well, I'm sure you'll manage to get through it," Erik says as he kept laughing before checking the cloth on my forehead, which had undoubtedly warmed up by now. "How are you feeling now, Lara?"

"I need to use the restroom before we go to the doctor's." I began to push myself up to get off the couch, only to be immediately assisted by the two of them, as if I was made of glass. I didn't mind it at the moment, though; I don't believe I would have made it up otherwise. "If you'll excuse me."

"Do you want me to help you walk there?" Gustave asked, still wary of me being up on my own.

I took a few steps on my own, just as a precautionary measure before responding, "I should make it."

"Okay. We'll be waiting here, my dear, " Gustave said as he finally sat down properly. I could tell that his sitting was only to reassure me; he was probably going to jump right up again and start pacing as soon as I was out of eyeshot.

I walked down the hall and stepped into the bathroom, then pressed my back to the closed door. I couldn't get the image of Erik's concerned face out of my head. He knew something that he wasn't saying, he had to; I'd never seen him so scared before. The only time it even rivalled what I had just witnessed was when I found him in the study trying to fix the record player. The fear and desperation, the face of a man who had an answer to the question he was asking himself. If that was any indication of anything to come, I knew it had to be something important. The fact that he was too afraid to say anything was making me even more nervous. I suppose that the only way I was going to get my answer was to go to the doctor and I simply couldn't go out looking the way I was. I quickly tried to wipe the dirt off the back of my dress from when I fell and was mostly successful. I tried to fix my hair as well but realized that it was a useless endeavour.

I used the toilet and was met with another wave of painful cramps, the pain nearly making me see spots for a moment. I looked down in the toilet bowl and was absolutely horrified; there was so much blood. So much more than what I should be seeing.

This was wrong. Very, very wrong.

I fixed my dress in a scramble as I called for Gustave. This wasn't right. What was happening to me? I heard them running and within moments, they were at my side. Gustave went pale as a ghost when he saw the mess. I was so afraid; I didn't know what to do, so I just held onto him. As I felt my legs going numb again, I was grateful for the fact that he was always there to catch me.

Erik didn't even say anything for what felt like an eternity; he just stood there, looking between us and what had happened. He took a deep breath as if preparing himself to speak: "We need to get to the doctor. Now."

"Papa, what's happening?" Gustave's voice was shaking as he practically demanded an answer from his father.

"The doctor will explain everything better than I can and will also be more certain." Emotions were flying across his face from one second to the next. Though I don't know what hurt me more; the waiting or his response. "But I cannot lie to you, my boy, I cannot lie to either of you: I think Lara has just miscarried."

I believe Gustave said something. It sounded like: "What?" But I had fallen deaf to both of them. At that point, my legs truly had gone weak and I was simply on my knees, my whole body shaking.

I found my own voice only for a moment to ask the question that was burning on my tongue like a hot iron: "What do you mean? I didn't even know I was...oh my god." I didn't know the true power a word had until the moment I was sitting on the bathroom floor clutching my stomach. The power to shatter you into a million pieces and send your whole life spiralling before my eyes. Gustave was whispering words in my ears that I couldn't bear to hear. He was holding me tightly in his arms and I still felt like I had been dunked in an ice bath.

At some point, Erik must have gotten down on his knees to talk to me because the next thing I knew, he was at eye level holding my hands. "Lara, I'm not sure. Please remember that I am not a doctor. Let's get you to the hospital so we can be sure."

At first, I didn't know what to say. What does one do when their life has been dismantled? My only instinct was to try and pick up the pieces. "I...okay. I suppose we had better go, then."

~~~~~

I don't remember much of the trip to the hospital.

I just remember staring at the light in a cream coloured waiting room where the inevitable answers to my questions would be given whether I liked them or not. I remember the sound of Gustave yelling at the doctors; I think it had something to do with the lack of speed in their work. I remember the image of Erik as he left after calming his son down; he told me to be strong, though I doubted my own capability of following his instructions. Lastly, I remember the tapping of Gustave's heel against the floor as he bounced his leg from the anxiety of this whole situation.

"Gustave, I'm worried. I hate all this waiting," I said as I put my hand on his leg in an effort to reduce his anxiety so that the tapping would stop.

"I know you are." He put his hand on mine to hold it, which probably brought me more comfort than it did for him. "They want to be thorough, though, and make sure the results are accurate."

"I do too. I just wish I was anywhere but here," I said as I looked around us at all the other people waiting to see the doctors. There was just about everyone that could be thought of when one pictured such a scene, though one that stood out, in particular, was a little boy and his mother; his arm was in a sling. He looked so frightened as he clung to his mother's arm that it seemed to mirror my own paranoia that I might be just as broken as his arm.

Gustave snapped me out of my trance as he told me, "Me too, love, I understand."

"No, I don't think you do. I've never thought anything like this was even possible for me." I hadn't meant to but I ripped my hand from his and just hugged my stomach again. "This is the type of thing that happens to the people in my books, not to me, and I just don't know what I'm going to do if your father was right. I know that you are trying to be supportive and I love you for it but you and I are not feeling the same things right now."

"Okay, just take a deep breath." Gustave was trying to calm me down, I knew that, but I didn't know how I could possibly be calm in a moment like the one we found ourselves in. I hadn't meant to snap at him but I didn't even know all of the emotions going through my head, so how could he claim to understand? "Nothing is certain until they give us the results. And no matter what we are going to go through, we will do it together, Lara, for better or worse."

A nurse then walked in and everyone looked at her like she was the saviour come to earth. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief when she spoke: "Mister and Mrs. Destler, if you could just follow me, please."

We followed her down a well-lit hall that was covered with posters that gave simple explanations of different ailments. I was hopeful for some reason that she was taking us to someone with my results and we'd be able to leave soon. Though apparently, there was no such luck for me as when we finally reached the room at the end of the hall; it was yet another small waiting room.

"Another waiting room. Delightful," Gustave sighed once the nurse left us alone.

"It's better than the one out there," I pointed out as I sat down. "We can talk at a normal volume without feeling like everyone can hear us."

He shrugged before sitting down in the chair next to me. "That's true, I suppose. How are you feeling now?"

"Still anxious," I said as I looked down at my hands to see that I had been fidgeting.

"And physically speaking?" he asked as he took my hands in his.

I took a deep breath and put my head on his shoulder before replying: "My abdomen is hurting, but it seems to have lessened."

"Well, that's good. At least you're feeling the slightest bit better," he said as he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. Even with everything that was happening there was a feeling of security by simply being close to him that I could not describe. It just felt like home.

"I'll feel a lot more at ease once we are given results."

He squeezed my hands to try and reassure me before saying, "Yes, I will too. We'll get them soon...hopefully."

As if on cue the door to our waiting room opened and a man in a white coat came in. "Mister and Mrs. Destler? I'm Doctor Johnson. I supervised all the tests and I have your results."

Gustave had immediately sat at full attention when the door opened and I was surprised his leg hadn't begun bouncing again. "And what are they?" he asked, the fear in his voice not lost on me.

"Well, they are unfortunate. There is no easy way to say this but it seems that Mrs. Destler did experience a miscarriage." That word...that word that I couldn't hope to escape was jabbing at me once again much harder than the pain in my abdomen ever could. How could I be feeling so much for something I hadn't even known existed? I hadn't gotten the chance to figure it out, to cry, to experience the joy of the possibility. Now it was gone; I hadn't gotten the chance to love it and it was already gone. I didn't know what else to do so I simply cried.

"Was there any reason for it?" I heard Gustave ask. I could tell that he wanted to be upset with me but at least one of us had to hold it together until we got home. I'm glad it didn't have to be me.

"We're unsure of that in all honesty. It could have been anything." The doctor was proving to be useless. All he seemed to have done thus far is confirm things we already knew.

I could tell that Gustave was getting fed up as well as he was short with the doctor. "Right. Should we be doing anything when we get home? Just to make sure she...recovers?"

"Keep her comfortable. No heavy lifting, nothing that will cause immense stress. Get plenty of rest, and no intimacy for at least two weeks would be my recommendation. I am truly sorry that I am the one who has to tell you this."

"It isn't your fault. We appreciate your help, sir. Thank you," Gustave said, trying to wrap his arms around me as I sobbed but I simply wasn't having it. I didn't care who saw me at that point, I just needed to get my emotions out of my system.

"Best of luck to you both," was the last thing I heard the doctor say before the door shut.

We sat there for a moment with me crying and Gustave just sitting there, watching me. Without a word, he stood up and helped me to my feet. "Come on, love. Let's get you home. He gently removed my hands from my face in order to look me in the eyes. I was so emotionally numb that I could only nod a reply to him. He rested his arms around my waist and held me close for a moment before whispering in my ears the words, "I'm so sorry."

"Please take me home," was all I was able to get out in my choked voice.

"Yes, okay, we're going home. Don't worry."

~~~~~

We got home to find Erik on the front porch; we'd told him to go home after taking us to the hospital but I was grateful for the fact that he hadn't listened. I didn't even have to say a word to tell him what the verdict was and I was glad because I don't believe I would have been able to get the words out and I didn't want to put Gustave through the trouble of having to say them.

When we got inside, Erik took my coat as I took my shoes off. I wanted to say something about not needing help but I was too tired to get into that argument. "Go get her up to bed, Gustave," he said and I immediately looked between them, refusing to move.

"I don't want to go to bed."

"Lara, the doctor told us that you need to get some rest," Gustave said as he took my arm and tried to lead me towards the staircase.

"I don't care right now. I am not going to go upstairs to bed and just lay there being useless," I explained as I shook my arm free. "No, that is not what is going to happen."

"Lara, darling, useless wouldn't be the right word for you if you were up in bed. Your body has been through something traumatic, you need to rest and recover," Erik tried to explain. I knew that he was trying to be helpful but sleep was the last thing on my mind.

"I have heard a lot of words today describing everything I never wanted to hear in my life, so please do not question my choice in vocabulary right now," I said as I looked between the two of them, they should know by now that my stubbornness is far more extensive than their own. "I'm not going to bed and you should both know better than to try and fight me on this."

Gustave looked to his father, probably trying to see if he could garner some support in the effort to get me upstairs. Though he wasn't going to get any, seeing as when Erik responded, he said, "You're right, we do know better than that. We won't make you go to bed, then. Just...try and take it easy."

"Thank you," I said as I left, though I could still hear them from the kitchen.

"I'm going to head home. Make sure she rests, alright?" Erik said as he probably unhooked his jacket from the hanger.

"I will. Thank you, Papa." Gustave replied. "Thank you for being there for us, I know it means a lot to us both."

"Of course. Just call me if you need anything, and I will be here as soon as humanly possible." There was a pause in the conversation that I could only assume was the result of a hug. "I'm so sorry this happened, Gustave. I truly am."

"We will keep you up to date." I could tell that Gustave was avoiding the thoughts as much as I was.

"Yes, please do. I'll see you soon. Take care of her," Erik said. I appreciated the sentiment but that was the last thing I wanted at this moment.

"I'll try my best."

With that, I heard the door open and shut along with footsteps coming towards the kitchen where I was filling the kettle. "Would you like tea?" I asked as Gustave walked in.

I heard him sigh before he spoke. I knew that this was not his idea of taking it easy but I couldn't bring myself to care. "Please sit down and let me do this," he said while he tried to take the kettle from me as I walked over to the stove.

I maneuvered out of his way and did it myself. "No, I can handle it, Gustave. It's just tea, not a three-course meal."

"Just sit down, please. Let me do this for you," he begged.

I gave him a response by going over to the cupboard and getting the mugs; I couldn't look at him because I knew if I did it would lead to more tears, and I had already cried enough today. "Gustave, I will not be made into a fragile china doll because of this."

"Lara, you've been through so much today." He wasn't taking the idea of me not looking at him; he walked right up and turned me around to face him. "I just want you to rest for a few moments, please."

"I can make a cup of tea," I insisted as I wriggled from his hands that were holding me in place.

I felt his eyes on me as my back was turned, getting the teapot from the cupboard as well. "Are you going to continue fighting with me about this?" he asked.

"I believe you know the answer to that," I said as I got up on my tiptoes trying to get the tea leaves, only for him to reach up and get them for me.

"Okay, fine," he said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'll let you make your tea as long as you sit down after that and relax for a moment."

"I'm not promising anything at this moment in time." I knew I must have been frustrating him at that point but that was the last thing on my mind. He didn't understand, he couldn't understand. I had had no control over anything that had happened that day and that was not alright. I needed something that I could do at the moment that I had total control over in order to put things back into perspective for me.

"Please talk to me, Lara. Why are you shutting me out? I don't want you to keep to yourself at a time like this. Please let me help you." The pain in Gustave's voice was hurting me too but this was what needed to be done for my sanity.

"Believe me. You are helping by not pressing the subject. This is what I need to do right now. I don't need help." I tried to sound confident in my words but I don't believe I was very successful.

"But why, love? Why do you feel the need to do something like that? You signed up to get my help whether you wanted it or not the day you and I put these on our fingers," he said, referring to our wedding bands.

"Because that is all I can think to do right now. This is something I can do in my sleep; I know where I am and how to do it." I tried to make what I was saying sound as sane as possible as I added the sugar to my mug. "I don't know how to approach the situation we find ourselves in. What I'm doing right now by making tea is safe, it is known territory for me."

He didn't say anything for a while, which was actually more terrifying than when he was asking me questions. Instead, he just walked up and gently wrapped his arms around me, taking the mugs from my hands and put them on the counter. "I know it's hard. I know that I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling. But I just don't see how keeping me out of this is going to help anything."

"That's the problem: I don't know what I feel. I didn't even know I was pregnant. Today just spiralled out of control and I don't know where I am, I don't know how to react." The lump in my throat made it hard to explain but I didn't want to cry. He needed to hear this and crying wasn't going to help that. "This whole feeling of not knowing is so terrifying. My whole life I have built myself up on knowing the answers and knowing what to do. So this is all new and I'm petrified because I don't know what comes next. So right now I need something familiar. Something that I have control over. Something simple that can distract me from everything that has just happened because I don't even understand it all. As a woman, none of the decisions in my life have ever been in my control so I grasp at any chance I get, so for something to happen within my own body that I could not control means that I can never escape. I don't expect you to understand my babbling as I try to explain this; I just need you to accept that this is what I need to do right now."

"Okay, I understand. Just know that I'm going to help you, and I can only do that if you talk to me like you just did. Please keep doing that so I can try my best to help you through this," Gustave said as he turned me around once again and just held me in a hug. The comforting feeling of his body against mine soothed me more than I thought possible; this was where I was meant to be and nothing was going to take that away. But it was then that I realized that something could very well take this - take him - from me.

"Please don't leave me, Gustave," I begged, holding him tighter as the hot tears finally began to spill over.

"God, Lara, don't even think of such a thing. I'm not going anywhere, now or ever," e said as he held my head tighter to his chest and I could hear his heartbeat. I could only imagine the sound of my own heart breaking if his heartbeat was for someone else.

"But what if something is wrong with me? What if I can't give you the life you want?"

"It's okay, love, believe me. As long as I have you in my life, I'm happy. Nothing is wrong with you."

"I don't understand how you can think that given what just happened." It wasn't that I thought he was lying to me; I don't believe he would ever do that. I genuinely didn't understand how he could say that nothing was wrong with me when I felt like I had been mismade.

He let me go to look me in the eyes before he lifted my left hand. "Take off your ring."

"What, why?" I couldn't help but wonder if this was it. I didn't think he would be so blunt about it.

"You have a point, now take off your ring." I felt a snap in my chest as I took it off and held it out in my palm to him. "Now tell me, what does it say in there?"

I looked inside and tried my best though he knew I struggled with french. "Je reviendrai toujours."

"Now tell me what that means," he instructed.

I didn't really see where this was going, but I answered him anyway: "I will always come back."

"You're right, and those are the words I said to you right before I got on a train to go participate in a war neither of us wanted to be a part of. I promised you that I would always come back to you because you are my everything," he said as he took the ring from my hand and slid it back onto my finger. "If a war couldn't split us up this won't either. As long as I am alive there will be no other woman in the world for me. So please don't ever think something like that again."

I didn't know what else to say so I just flung my arms around him and held on for dear life. We just stood there for a while, just hugging, but a certain thought had been nagging me and I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore: "I just feel so broken."

"I know. I'm so sorry." I felt him press a kiss to the top of my head."You are perfectly whole to me, I swear."

"But what if I'm not?" I asked as I lifted my head from his chest to look up at him. "What if there is something wrong with me and we can never have the baby that we both want so badly?"

"We will cross that bridge when we get to it, my dear. But no matter what happens, I promise I will be right here to go through it all with you," he told me as he took my hand and kissed my knuckles.

I nodded and buried my face in his chest again. "I'm sorry, Gustave. I know you would have loved this baby."

"This isn't your fault, love. You know that, right?" He was stroking my hair while the kettle screamed behind me but I don't think either of us cared. Being here, holding him, and being held was more important than anything in the world.

"At the moment, it feels that way a little bit, even though I know there probably wasn't much I could have done," I admitted. My mind seemed to be putting things back in order and my sense of logic was returning.

"There you go, just like you said. This was out of our hands, and I know that the thought of that being out of our control can be scary for you," he said as he cupped my face in his hands. "But just remember that this isn't like tea; you have to loosen a grip on this a little bit."

"The fact that it's my baby and the life of that child that I have to loosen my grip on doesn't exactly entice me to do that."

He sighed; I knew that he didn't like this either but right now he was the more level-headed of the two of us. "It's not a wildly appealing idea to me either. It's just life at this point in time, though, and that's something we have to accept."

"I don't want to, though...I don't want to accept that our baby is gone."

He turned off the stove as he spoke: "I don't like it either dear, but I think this might be one of those times when we do the things we have to do so we can do the things we want to do."

"I don't understand," I admitted. Just one more thing to add to my ever-growing list of things I did not know.

"What I mean is that we both want to have a child but this is something we have to go through in order to get there. Why don't we just sit down for now and have tea? We don't have to think about this all at once." I'm glad one of us acknowledged the kettle that was begging to be removed from the element on the stove. I let him finish what I had started and went over to the couch and waited for him. I couldn't help but start getting emotional again - I believe I had used up my quota of tears for the rest of the year all in one day - but actually verbalizing what had happened made it hurt all over again. The baby was gone and there was nothing I could have done to save it. I suppose that the entire ordeal was hurting so much because I had never lost something that I was so eager to love; I'd been fortunate in that sense. Maybe that's why Gustave was able to be the calm one for me; his life had already folded in on itself once, so he knew that it would get better. For me, this had been a shock to my system. Now more than ever I was grateful to have him by my side in order to balance me out when I needed it most.

Eventually, Gustave walked over and handed me my mug; the warmth felt good in my hands that suddenly felt very cold. Once he was seated, I assumed our normal position of having my head on his shoulder. "At least your father was there to help a bit. He kept us both as level-headed as possible," I pointed out.

Gustave chuckled and I couldn't help but smile as well; Erik being the calmest person in the room meant that the bar was set very low indeed. "Believe me. He was ready to have a panic attack when he saw you at the door," he retorted.

"He worries about me too much."

"Well, if he worries too much, I imagine I belong on some astronomical scale." I felt another kiss be pressed to the top of my head and a feeling of contentment flooded through me.

"I know you do," I said with a small laugh.

I didn't have to look up to know there was a smug look on his face as he said, "And I'm comfortable with that."

We fell into a state of comfortable silence, but now Erik was running through my mind and I realized another thing that jabbed at my heart once more. "Your poor father. That was his grandchild. I feel bad about losing it for him too."

"Lara, you can't keep blaming yourself for this. It was not something you could have decided." I can only imagine he must be getting tired of repeating himself.

"I know it wasn't, I know this must be getting tiresome but I can't help but feel I did something wrong. I didn't know I was pregnant, I was going about my life as normal. What if I did something that led to the miscarriage?"

"That is something we won't ever know the answer to. I know how much that bothers you, but I don't want you to go about your days over-analyzing your everyday actions now." I thought he was done, but he continued by pointing out, "You know you don't have to apologize."

"Yes I do, because I feel like I'm making you repeat yourself a thousand times," I tried to explain as I leaned in closer. "But what if I get pregnant again and don't know it yet? What if...I can't let this happen again, Gustave."

"This is not something that you can just will into happening. We just need to go one day at a time right now."

"Do you think we could ever try again? Risk this happening again?" I asked him as I craned my neck from where I was positioned in order to look him in the eyes.

There was a smile on his face that gave me all the hope in the world. "I think we should just let whatever is going to happen happen. There is no use dwelling on something that hasn't happened yet."

"I suppose. I just want a baby, Gustave, and I know you do too."

"And God willing, we will have one, but it will be at the right time. And this simply wasn't it." He leaned his head down and I welcomed the feeling of his cheek on top of my head. "Though right now that isn't my priority. Right now we need to make sure that you recover from this."

I wanted to say something but the painful lump in my throat threatened to send more tears running down my face and I was really getting tired of crying. "It still hurts, Gustave," was all I was able to whisper.

"I know it does. It hurts me too. But we are strong," he said as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and shuffled me closer to him. "You are strong. We're going to make it through this."

"Thank you. I love you so much." I said as I leaned up and gave him a proper kiss. When we separated, he wore his lopsided smile and said something that started to make me feel whole again.

"And you'll always have me."

~~~~~

word count - 8124

i'm sorry for this. i really am. 

the next chapter holds fluff, i swear! things are gonna be bumpy, but all will be well in time. promise <3 

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