The Christmas holidays being in a few days, the illuminations amazed the adults. Alex and I were finally done hanging on the decorations on this snowy night where it was harder to drive without getting a pole or another car. The flakes invaded the urban landscape at an incredible speed forcing the inhabitants to remain cloistered at home. Of course, some adventurous were walking on the sidewalks despite the ice storm and the gusts of wind.

It had been several days that Elena was staying at home with her husband who hadn't reopened the restaurant since winter had established his white bed in our city. I stayed at Alex's house, not complaining about it.

The end of the week would be more lenient with fewer torrents of snow in abundance. I really hoped my parents could come here safely. The planes would surely resume their flights at this time.

Alex slid his arms around my waist as I watched the snow fall through the window. He continued to turn his garage, but alone, since Serge couldn't cross the city without hitting one or two poles in passing. Anyway, the time spent with her daughter should make him happy.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked putting a kiss on my neck.

"My parents. I hope they will come here."

"Speaking of family. My brother and his little family are coming for Christmas. I think they will be there at the same time as your parents. It will be really the occasion to celebrate a big Christmas."

I froze for a moment, thinking back to his brother. My ex-boss was coming here. Alex's brother was coming home. I will have to see this man from my past. I who thought I could escape, I was very naive.

"You are fine?"

"Yes... Are you well with your brother?"

"Yes, why are you asking that?"

"I don't know. You don't talk about him often..."

"Yeah, since our parents left, I didn't talk to him much or even saw him again. My brother left and made his life on his side while I stayed here. It didn't bother me, but it's true that he always called me. Until I meet you."

I turned around in his arms and stared at him intrigued. He gently stroked my cheek, smiling with love.

"I called my brother after you found the box with my parents' pictures, you remember?"

"Yes, it was when I was still working in the garage."

"Yeah, that night, I thought back to my only family that stayed and I don't know. I called Max. We talked for a few minutes, but it was nice."

The ringing of the oven rang, begging us to come and pick up the gratin that was gilding in its lair.

"And he doesn't know that his former secretary is now my girlfriend. That will be the surprise," he added with a laugh.

I forced myself to smile, but my stomach was tied with anxiety. I didn't want that. To see him again would mean facing my past again. He knew that David was cheating on me. He would look at me only with pity. A look that I didn't want.

Exhausted and especially not in the mood to make love despite the enthusiasm of my lover, I snuggled against him and fell asleep with the arrival of Max in mind. After a night full of questions, I went down at the first light of the sun. I went into the kitchen wearing only Alex's t-shirt. Elena would not normally be present today like the other days. Through the window, I saw that the snow had taken up residence on the ground. The neighbors had begun clearing the driveway. We had to do the same. I sighed at the work that awaited us.

After drinking some water, I wanted to go back to my room, but the lock on the front door turned. Astonished that Elena had come here, I was going to welcome her. But then I remembered that the old woman didn't have the keys to the house. Despite Alex's efforts to hand them over to her, she preferred to come to the garage to ask for the keys. I assumed that this masquerade was for her to watch Alex at least once a day. Maybe we could get this painful job through a snowball battle. I smile at this prospect.

Suddenly, I heard the rattling of the door.

"Alex, I'm home!"

The voice that was familiar to me then entered the kitchen while I was frozen on the spot.

"Alicia?" Max asked completely stunned.

"Sir," I answered solemnly. "I thought you were coming on the weekend?"

"I... I managed to finish work sooner, we came here directly. What are you doing there?"

"She's my secretary," Alex announced, coming down the stairs decently dressed, unlike me.

"Secretary?" Max repeated even more confused.

"I was his secretary because of Elena. At first, I didn't know that Alex and you were brothers."

"Don't worry, Elena got me too. I didn't know you were my brother's secretary," he said, putting an arm around my shoulders.

"So you're together now?" Max asked, frowning.

Alex just nodded. Suddenly a young red-haired woman arrives in the kitchen with a baby in her arms. Max's wife. I remembered that she was pregnant when I resigned.

Max burst out laughing made the presentations. He spoke of this coincidence which was astonishing. I, the former secretary of one was the girlfriend of the other. I smiled politely, but my eyes were focused on the blankets around the baby.

If my baby were alive, he would be as small as he was. As sweet as him with that same creamy skin, white as snow. He might also have his cheeks reddened by the heat. For a long time, I had imagined in my dreams the appearance of my child if I hadn't chosen to abort. And each time, I told myself that I had made a mistake.

"Do you want to take it?" asked Max's wife gently.

"N-No," I stammered now, frightened. "I... I will change myself. Excuse me."

I ran like a fury into the room and changed like I could. My hands were shaking with fear as my jerky breath squeezed me even more. Suddenly, my throat narrows me forcing me to take long gulps of air. But the pain didn't subside. I felt like the air was fire. A breath burning my throat with strength.

Arms trapped me and I clung to that person as if my life depended on it. I let my tears turn into noisy sobs. But sobs freeing me from all this suffering.

Sitting on the floor, Alex cradled me in his arms whispering soothing words.

"Alicia...," called me Max hesitantly.

"Get out," shouted his brother.

"Alex, stop. It's not his fault," I told him, looking into his angry eyes. I didn't want them arguing because of me.

"I am sorry. I should have predicted that it wouldn't be easy for you to see my brother again...," Alex whispered, the obvious regret in his voice.

"It's nothing. I have a little panic attack, but it's good now."

I got up again, but Alex stayed close to me. He forced me to look him in the eyes. His uneasiness made me feel sick. I didn't think he would be so touched by me.

"I thought I was going to lose you," he murmured.

This little crisis of panic took great proportions after this sentence which had made me the effect of a slap.

"Our mother often had that kind of a crisis," Max explained to me before going downstairs to hear the ceaseless crying of his baby.

Alex didn't talk to me often about his parents. And when he evoked memories, it was only the good ones. I took Alex in my arms and stayed there for several minutes.

"Do you still love your ex-husband?" Alex asked suddenly.

His serious voice and question had left me speechless. So I was ironing this question in my mind. It echoed in my mind as a truth to which I had to agree or not. Alex slowly withdrew from my arms.

"No. I don't love him anymore. Since a mechanic guy occupies all my thoughts, I don't even think about my ex."

A smile formed on my lips as soon as these words came out of my mouth. Like a new breath. New life.

Alex gave me a look full of love before kissing me feverishly. I accepted with pleasure this burst of affection. He grabbed my buttocks and with a movement, I crossed my legs around his chest. He took me to the bed, overlooking me from his height. His mouth went down until he groaned softly.

"My brother is downstairs."

I burst out laughing at his announcement. It was true, it was better to join them in the living room. I was sure that Alex had plenty of discussions to catch up with his brother. Before leaving the room, Alex told me that I didn't have to see his brother now if it was too difficult. I was grateful to him, but it wasn't his brother who scared me, but rather the sight of his baby in his mother's arms. But that, I couldn' tell him...

We spent the whole day together discussing the time when the brothers were children. The dinner passed quickly. I stayed far enough away from the baby and therefore from the one who was wearing it. Apart from his cries and tears, I managed to follow the conversations without feeling oppressed by the sadness.

I thought I'd gone unnoticed, but once Alex closed the door to his room. His face was closed. Harder and more serious traits. I worried.

"Why did you have this panic attack?"

"Because I thought back to the past," I confessed without saying too much. "Why are we talking about this now?"

"Alicia...," he sighed. "The baby. You didn't stop looking at him or ignoring him. Don't you like children?"

"It's not that. It's just that I'm not comfortable with infants."

After my vague answer, he dropped the case. Or rather, I manage to escape to the bathroom. A little breath. My heart was beating so hard in my ribcage. I was afraid it would explode into pieces. I took a shower while trying to calm myself by the jets of fresh water.

I thought I couldn't tell him anything about my abortion. But the idea of hiding part of my life bothered me. I wanted to tell him. Tell him everything. But the fear was bugging me. How would he see me after my revelation? Like a murderer? Exactly as I saw myself now...

Shame burned my mind. It sacked my thoughts. How to fight a shame so insidiously anchored in the depths of my being?

Maybe in truth, I needed this psychologist I refused to talk to after my abortion...