In the precedent chapter:

Fortunately, Alex gave me a big smile and told me it was fine. Relieved, he took my shoulders to guide me through the steps of the spiral staircase. The cell phone still in my ear, I nodded from time to time to my mother's enthusiastic ideas.

I sat down on the bed while my lover undressed. In front of me. My mouth wide open, I shook my head quickly, not knowing at all what he was doing. He smirked at me before going to the bathroom, of course, I watched his muscular back and his firm buttocks.

"Oh my god," I said, red with desire.

"What? You don't like this idea. Yes, you are right, it's surely not extravagant enough for your father who has already seen much better."

"Oh, it's you who said it," I let myself escape when Alex came back naked before me. My gaze had immediately detonated on his chest and then lowered.

Always without abandoning his charming smile, he stretched out his arms to me to get up. I didn't know what he had in mind, but with his naked body in front of me and my mother on the phone, I was really afraid of the next.

***

Suddenly, he defies the button of my jeans and slid it down. I let out a little cry that cursed my mother.

"Of course, you're right, a horse would be much too much. Especially since we are in the city. It would be difficult to deal with it."

I was too stunned by my mother's comments that I let Alex take off my pants and then my top. I then stared at my cell phone as if it were a device from another world. Or maybe it was only my mother who was.

Now in my underwear, Alex led me to the bathroom. It was big, almost blue and white. I was amazed until my eyes fell on the bathtub which was not really one.

"Ja-Jacuzzi?" I said aloud.

"Of course! A Jacuzzi! Your father will love that! In addition, the jets will calm his back problems. It's beautiful, my darling!" shouted my merry mother. "I love you!"

"Me too."

Frowning, I stared at my cell phone in complete misunderstanding. Did she just say that she was going to buy a hot tub for my dad's birthday? Alex snatched the phone from my hands and told me to get into the jacuzzi surrounded by candles and a white foam covering the surface of the water. I smile at this scene. It was so... romantic. Something I didn't expect with him.

He entered the bubble bath with beers in his hands and I followed him, taking off the clothes that still dressed me.

I couldn't help but walk towards him to kiss him. He groaned with satisfaction while settling on him. No longer holding myself, I began back and forth on its length while our groans mingled slowly. His mouth came down on my neck and my breasts that he nibbled gently. I flipped my head back under the pleasure that ran through me. A sensation that I hadn't felt for a long time.

"Do you take pills?" he gasped as I continued up and down on him.

"Yes, and I have no diseases."

"Perfect," he said with a smile.

He took my neck to push me to him. Our mouths found each other when the explosion of sensation seized us. It's been so long. Feeling his muscles under my fingers, tasting his lips, hearing his groan of pleasure, listening to his frantic heartbeat. He wasn't even in me, but all these sensations made some tears flow. I kept my eyes closed while waiting for my breathing to calm down.

"Alicia, are you crying? I hurt you?"

"No, it's just me. I had just forgotten. It's been a few months that I haven't slept with someone," I confessed.

"With your husband."

I nodded unable to answer. Just hearing the status of the husband made me feel nauseous. How could a husband deceive his wife so much? Only an idiot like me had suffered this humiliation.

"Alicia, open your eyes. Here, it's just us two. No husband..."

"Ex," I replied.

"No ex either," he said smiling.

"Okay. Just the two of us."

The caresses and ecstatic cries enveloped us all night long. The rays of the sun crossed the fine burgundy curtains to caress me with its warmth. I smile at this kind and sweet light. I swung an arm in front of me but met only the blanket. My eyes confirmed Alex's absence at my side. I sighed before getting out of bed and hanging out in the bathroom.

I washed and dressed up to go downstairs. I wasn't working today, but I wanted to see Alex again before going back to my apartment to change. I met Elena downstairs with her contagious smile that never left her face. She almost ordered me to stay for the breakfast she had prepared. I couldn't refuse.

I went straight to the garage, which was open as usual. However, Serge wasn't there yet, and Alex was in good company. I remained frozen by the scene. A blond woman, smaller than Alex, was in front of him. They were laughing. Both. I couldn't contain the surge of jealousy that stung my heart. Small, sweet, insidious.

By looking again and again at this woman's face, hair and forms, I drew her figure on the one that had broken my couple. On this woman spoiled by generous forms that I didn't have. Suddenly, I felt a little less than nothing. How could Alex sleep with me?

"Alicia?"

"Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I was going home. And Elena would like you to eat with her or at least go for lunch. She did too much to eat," I said, trying to smile nonchalantly.

"Well, Elena has not changed, apparently," the stranger exclaimed with a big, delightful smile on her lips. "I'm Cecile, we talked yesterday."

"Alicia. Yes I remember."

"Well, that's not all, but I have a wedding to prepare me!"

She kissed Alex on cheeks, having to stand up on tiptoe. They looked at each other for a long time before she finally let go. I bit my cheek to avoid shouting at Alex that I was also there right in front of his eyes. But he seemed to absorb by the girl who was leaving.

I disturbed him with his contemplation by telling him that I was going home. He offered me to stay at home with Elena, but I preferred to go back to my little apartment now. Alone. Without anyone to see my sadness.

I took the bus with a gloomy look on my face. Finally, at home, I undressed to take a shower again. Of course, I had to go past the mirror. My mirror reflected my body and the reason I hate it. Yet yesterday I had no problem in undressing, in touching my body, in seeing it whole and without artifice. But after seeing this beautiful woman who reminded me of David's mistress and the famous night they had fucked, nausea came over me. It was scratching me trying to escape my body. It wanted to prove that I wasn't well. That I felt bad. That I would feel bad as long as I saw my skeletal body. How could Alex sleep with me?

This question came back to my mind as I poured all my suffering into the toilet. If only all the pains of the heart could escape like this... We would never have heartache again.

After vomiting in a very pathetic way, I wiped my face bathed in treacherous tears and dressed without looking in the mirror. I slipped under the covers and stayed warm. A soft shell that mopped my cries without stopping them. I kept my eyes wide open for a good part of the night before I could sleep.

Noises at the door woke me up. Exhausted, I packed my blanket with me to the front door. The keys on it I unlocked it, and found myself in front of Alex. I must have puffy eyes, hair in battle, and maybe even saliva on my cheeks and Alex were in front of me.

"You're okay?" he asked, looking worried.

"Yes, why?"

"It's past noon and you're not answering your cell phone..."

"What, noon? I couldn't sleep that much," I whispered, going to my room to take my cell phone. I had many missed calls.

"Sorry, I had trouble sleeping yesterday," I said, avoiding his gaze, but he took my face in his hands.

"Are you sure you're ok? Your eyes are red."

"Yes, don't worry. I slept badly, that's all," I said quickly removing his hands.

"You're avoiding me," Alex sighed. "Why?"

"Nonsense," I said as I walked into my little bathroom, but he took me in my arms before. I was rushed into him, forcing me to look him in the eyes.

"Did I do something wrong last night?"

"No of course not. Last night it was great, I confessed. It's just me."

"You? What do you mean by that?"

I didn't answer him and told him to release me. He hesitated a moment before executing himself. I almost run into the next room. He didn't follow me but stayed in the room waiting for me. I knew he wouldn't leave until I told him. I didn't confess my hatred against my body.

This fear that I had now, I remembered having felt it when I was a teenager. Before David enters my life and loves me for the one I was. This love for me had dissipated all fear of this thin body. But now that he had found a woman more appreciable than my invisible curves, I had this irascible fear again. I never thought that feeling would come back to haunt me. Never.

I washed my face and went back to the room to tell him everything. He sat quietly, sitting on my bed while I stuttered talking about my anxieties. I was shaking at the end of my story. Too shameful to meet his eyes, I stared at the waxed floor at my feet.

"Alicia," he said, approaching me. "You are beautiful."

"Cecile is even more beautiful."

"Cecile? You would not be jealous?"

"What?" I shouted, almost raising my head, but to those smiling eyes, I realized he was teasing me.

"Alicia, I never sleep with a stupid girl and even less with a bitch."

"That's nice for all women who..." I began scolded him.

I uttered a cry of surprise when Alex slammed me against him. He kissed me then to silence me and I melted softly into his arms.

"You're beautiful Alicia. And even if it pisses me off, your ex was still a lot of years with you and it's definitely because you're beautiful, funny, charming, pro, ambitious and full of others stuff."

"Elena told you to tell me all this?" I said, smiling.

"No, but it was Elena who described you with all these adjectives and told me to move my ass to be with you before you leave," he confessed while I burst out laughing.

We stood there for a moment, my face in his neck. I shared this moment of tranquility. I hoped he was right. I sincerely hoped that my body was as attractive as Cecile's. In any case, I hoped that was the case for Alex.

"By the way, who is Cecile for you?" I asked curiously. The surprise is reflected in his eyes then it was quickly replaced by embarrassment. I dreaded his answer now.

"Cecile is my ex. The one Elena told you yesterday in the kitchen."

"I knew you were spying on us," I said accusingly.

"If you stopped talking too. I just wanted to put my cup back..." he justified himself with a sulky look.

"Yes, that's right. So it's your ex... She seems to have moved on and you? You still love her?" I dared to ask as I feared his answer.

"No, I've moved forward since a certain secretary takes all the space in my head."

I burst out laughing before kissing him. We had lunch together before leaving for his garage. I felt lighter in attacking this new day's work. Serge was very happy not to find a grumpy Alex. He would surely have blamed me if it was the case.

With the sun setting on that cool autumn day, I stayed at Alex's house for several nights and even after finishing my three-month work in the garage. I didn't see myself leaving Alex just because I had finished my job.

Winter arrived quickly with its snowflakes by thousands colonizing without distinction the roads, sidewalks, and buildings of the city. Snuggled in my coat, I enjoyed the laughter of children playing in the park. Some were building a snowman while others were sending snowballs.

I wasn't so sad when I saw children having fun, but the strollers and cradles made me look like a mother I was no longer. A filthy mother for killing her own baby.

Alex knew nothing of the past that I managed to hide. Nobody knew it and it was better that way. I couldn't reveal what I had done to anyone. I knew they would look at me like a monster. A murderer.

This secret will remain in my memory. But the secrets always ended up known. In one way or another. All I was hoping for was that it be disclosed as late as possible.

I got up and left towards the garage. My parents had planned to come to see me on Christmas Eve and maybe I could welcome them to Alex's house if he wanted to. I smile, thinking back to my parents. I was eager to see them and my little sister with whom I got along pretty well by messages despite our age difference.