Trigger warning!! Be safe ily

1-22-17
Here's some of the logs I've been keeping on mostly January, so far. Just where I've been. Idk. I'm not sure if I should post it or not but I don't have anything to lose. You guys are watching the road up. I figure maybe it'll help somebody idk. Either way, here goes nothing. This'll be forever and a half I can already tell lmao

12-25-16
And I wonder what stability is like, I wonder what walls feel like when their history is shared and not loved in secret. I wonder what it's like to be home in a place aside from cities that exist and cities that don't. I wonder what happens when you're safe somewhere that isn't trapped between two headphones. I wonder about a lot of things, like if the people around me know I'm high on something and it's not anything I've taken. I wonder if they can see my pain and see my secrets, buried underneath layers of skin, forming valleys between the scars. I wonder if they see the skeletons I don't have room for anymore but their stories are etched in chalk over their charcoal bodies and I can't let that go. I wonder if they see the shattered glass that I see when I look in the mirrors when i start sinking. I wonder if they see how much anger I've shoved into my jawline and how many fingernails I've broken digging and digging until the pain tolerance gave way (do they see me push to my limit or do they only see me break?). I wonder if they can smell the weed and alcohol and pills and anxiety, do they read it in the poetry? I wonder if they think I'll never be worth anything because if so, they'd love to have coffee with my demons- I'm sure they wouldn't have problems. I wonder if cold sheets love me like I love them. I wonder if they can see the knives being thrown, or if they think one switchblade won't do much to someone this unstoppable. I know I can be so much better but this is how I come- racked with mistakes, very few promises, fire in my eyes, and bursting at the seams with love and emotion they could never quite understand. Take me or leave me, I've seen both and everything in between.

Maybe I love objects and places so much because I know they feel my love, and experience is my shit. Maybe I know they couldn't leave me if they tried.

What if I told you I only chase being full, and that emptiness is all that eats at me? I used to call it depression but the pain doesn't bother me- it's the numb that drains me. I can grow green gardens from pain and houses from anger, throw my words on walls, and make constellations from my love. But what do you do when the white is too blinding and you're not even sure how you got here? Like life just drugged you and you've been taken somewhere new, with a headache and a hell of a lot of desperation. Where do you go, then? The music can try to save you but if you're not putting in love, you can't get it back, and it's taken me months to realize this. It's as easy as loving. You get back what you put in.

I look at the simplicity of ignorance, and it's so easy. Got me thinking I could almost join them, break this glass door, and stop fighting- just tranquilize my rebellion and be on the other side. It's as easy as that. Wouldn't it be good? No relapses, no addiction in the first place, no depression, no broken home, no extreme heights and depths, no intensity, no risk.. I think it's too late, I've tattooed myself with love here, and there's no going back because when it comes down to it, I don't want the other side. This is my city, everything I've build from the ground up, and nothing could take that away. I'm alienated because there's a population of fighters waiting. They're out there, and I'm coming.

Feed off of my experience because this world is full of sharks, and I only pray to god you appreciate this blood I put in, because my whole life goes here. There's nothing that the music and I can't get through. I've died for this a thousand times, you can't break it if you tried. I've got my future and a couple others riding on this dream, and there's no way we don't make it happen.

I'm sort of melting, and I'm not liking how it all mixes because division is my complexity and I'm hooked. I'm at the bottom of the sink, and the bathroom feels safe but there's nothing below me, just the end. Sometimes I wonder what'd happen if rebuilding never happened, and anxiety stuck around. But the water starts running and the love is rising and filling. I think it might save me, I think you might save me. I float to the surface and film over the edges, I'm becoming something I can accept. I think love is gonna save me, and this one never left.

12-28-16 almost 2am
And it's so wholesome and filling to love yourself and what you do. And I think I need the love from other people, because I can look at this and say "I could give myself to any of these people.

But I choose you" and it's day in and day out. I choose this. I want to share a limelight with everyone who believes in this. This is all I want, and im finally happy with life, happy with myself, and nothing changed but something switched, at least for now. It's all so blurry but I'm full of love, full of life.

Maybe I'll lose some part of myself every year, but I keep finding further heights. I swing low, that just gives me momentum on the way up.

Text to Misti:
How did this happen dude I'm singing Pvris and smiling at a ceiling and ugh I'm happy again. Like a phone call. It's not even all on him, but just having that sense that I'm important enough that I get someone's undivided attention for an hour and just listening to someone's voice is so nice and idk. I need people. People fulfill me. They can fucking destroy each other but I feed off of people. I just told someone from tumblr today that the day I make it will be the same day I get looked in the eyes and get told "what you're doing saved my life" so I can say "me too". It's not about money or the numbers. It's about love. It's about the people. The person. I personify things so I can love them. As a writer I used to never think I wrote about people, or could draw inspiration from them bc I simply hadn't lived. But I did, even then, because I personify so much, I don't even realize it's happening

12-28-16
So essentially last night I fell into a dreamlike state of mania without any emotion and then on the come down took three pills (of unspecified matter). Later on I took pictures of how I looked bc I haven't been eating and then I grabbed a scarf and choked myself, but not enough to leave marks. No one knows I do this.  (You're the first. Not even Misti knows this. I've been scared to sell that secret.) I fell asleep for twelve hours after, woke up, and within an hour downed three more (with a bite of a Rice Krispies) to which I fell asleep and woke up frequently throughout the day but couldn't stay up enough to not fall back under. My body felt heavy and so did my thoughts. It's now 5pm and I've accomplished nothing all day and had no food or water aside from what accompanied the pills. I fucking hate who I've become. The music is all I'm holding onto. This is the point I realize I don't wanna be in this place for long, but ive never wanted recovery. I want a break from it bc this ends dangerously.. I want a break from everything, so that the next time I cut or take pills or anything, it's not as an addict or someone who's severely depressed, it's for the reasons I did it in spring, where nothing dragged me down.

My lips are chapped and I feel skinnier. The scale said 120, but that's mostly bc of dehydration I'll bet. But I like this weight. I wanna keep losing though. I don't see myself eating for awhile. What's the point?

12-31-16 4:10 am
I'm gonna miss 2016, a lot actually.. 2017 will be more, more memories, experience, love, emotion. Fuck, 2015 wasn't shit compared to this year, but I never thought that until 2016 started happening.
I'm not really sure where my life is going and this dream has always given me direction but idk who I am... I can't try to love, I need a break. I honestly want to just sleep through everything for awhile, but I start to think of Misti and the dream, you know, the story, the legacy, the way up.. I'll live to tell it all, I know I will. I really like 4am when I'm not sedated on pills and/or ready to pass out. It's better when you're awake enough to enjoy it.

Thinking about it, I think I've always been in sync with nature, so I'm not really alone, am I? I've got a universe to talk to, but a body to destroy.

Lately I just rant, I don't put it into lines or rhyme it out. This is all I can do.

I love you 2016, I really do. I haven't loved a year this much before.

The what ifs are what really come most. What if I ended up living in hanks basement? What if my mom made it so my dad didn't have custody? What if I moved in with my dad this summer instead of doing it next summer? What if I died, took one two many and I'm out? What if I gave up, never lived to see thirty? Sometimes I swear Misti is half the motivation I even have when I'm like this.

5am There's no better place for me than the music.. This love doesn't leave when I'm too weak... I'm not sure I even realize how powerful it is, I wonder if I ever will. I think I intend to.

1-1-17
New year, I just started new playlists and the music is all I've fucking got..

My life is gonna change, I'm going back home.

12-30-16 (this was actually January first but I slept a lot and I didn't even know what day it was even with it displayed on my screen..)
And I wonder how long it's gonna last, how long I won't have the energy to get out of bed and how long I'll spend my nights hidden in a bedroom tied to sheets where I feel hollow, with pills in my system and blood draining. I wonder how long it'll take me to get my shit together.. I just accepted depression instead of fighting it the other day, I think it has to exist and it has to hurt. I'm not getting any better. I can't write. I wonder how long that'll last, too. Time is so blurry and it's funny because in April, I was doubting the depression I had, thinking it was all just a matter of circumstance, that I'd never let this mania high go but fast forward and I'm dancing in kitchens to bass boosted music and you're drunk calling me and suddenly things fell apart, and sure, it all played out somehow and there's purpose to some of it, but here I am questioning what the hell its like to love recklessly. Death is on my mind a lot, and I'm not saying I'll commit suicide. There's too much that stops me. I have too much to live for but that's the thing, none of its keeping me alive. And it's funny that this break has been so bad, because all of my other winter breaks have been memorable. But two years ago I started anorexia and now I cut off water and food because of two bites, and a piece of taffy is enough for a day. I really don't know who I've become. I know eventually it'll be okay, and that I'll make raps and write poetry about getting myself out of it, but it seems so far away. I wonder if I'll ever get out. So I guess it's gotta hurt for awhile and that's okay. I don't want to be here any longer, and yes, I mean this town, but I also mean anything. This isn't healthy, but at least I'm real with myself now. I have to feel this, I just have to sit through it. And I'm sorry for anyone watching me destroy myself, I know it's not easy because I love Misti and she sees it more than anyone, but it's never too much for her and I don't even know where I'd be without her.

1-2-17 12:30 am
Anxiety is the bravest thing I can face (?), and idk what to do when it shakes and speeds through my bloodstream but I just listen to the track..
"But my love's not going anywhere"
I'm made of love, and it never left. Memories are all too sweet. I never used to like anxiety but it keeps me alive.

1-3-16
I'll make beautiful memories with somebody someday.. I keep thinking of the future and how close it is that I'll be vlogging restaurant trips with Misti in Reno, hustling to get my dream to come true. Everything is so close. But for now I just wanna sleep awhile. I don't want to go to school tomorrow, in fact, I almost dread it.

1-4-17
I need you like the ocean needs oxygen to be,
But unfortunately it also needs oxygen to freeze.

I am an addict to everything I cannot put down,
It's the same things that I'm hooked on,
And darling, they're all looking like you,
But I'm okay with that.
Life picks up,
And things are getting faster,
But I'm flooring it for you,
Wondering where it is that you watch this city.

1-4-16
I'm not running on very much sleep for this week but I just ate a lot for breakfast and had coffee and I'm listening to Sail and I know it's not spring but those days are so close, you know? It's all right fucking there. Summer is gonna be here again eventually and today I can fight through the shit to get there. That's my mood, I've got the fighter back in me today. Plus hanging out with Ashley last night made my week. Life ain't gon slow down. I'm still taking calls at midnight and fucking my sleep schedule up to hell. I can almost taste the Vape smoke in the air in June.. The future is close. We got this. Keep fighting. The music never quits, we don't fucking quit either, aight?

(That day went to shit. I remember thinking how fast the fighter can drain from you. How things change so easily.. Like the one chance I got to not feel like shit, I get that spark taken from me. Like really? Are you fucking kidding me?)

Almost 1-6-17
Maybe I don't really do anything right for anyone, I'm starting to realize. I'm gonna Fuck up my dads love- his work- and god knows moms never satisfied. I burn people and say everything wrong. Maybe I don't belong in any house but the walls of that trailer bedroom. Idk. I don't want to be anywhere. Not moms, not dads. I wasn't sure where happy is on the map but I'm ready for Reno and shit.. Idk anymore. These days are getting long and dreadful and I don't like it. I want out. I wanna sleep and starve all weekend but similarly, I want to work my ass off doing what I love. I'm torn.

1-7-16
To be able to say you were in it before it hit a stage, before it all went over in flashing lights and success. I've been dreaming big, and its hardly fitting in my skeletal system lately.

(Wrote a rap that day that said something about my jacket having blood on the sleeve from my old house and idk it's real and I liked it.)

1-8-17 rap
Damn right I can say the music saved my life cause it's what I'm gonna do with the rest of it,
I ain't in a classroom, testing kids,
I'll be on the street, yeah test my shit,
Some of these niggas wanna test and quit,
I don't care how hard it is
Imma come up on top by the end of it

1-9-17
If I die,&
I hope they all know what thy mean to me

(Slow motion by Heirsound. I was fucked up, and I kept thinking on what if I died and I couldn't even type but all I could think in that smooth guitar intro that held my soul was "this is all you've become? Wow. You've outdone yourself. Jesus Christ.")

1-10-17 text to Misti
I'm feeling so much rn and it's not even all that. I feel guilt and regret,failure. I feel tempted, weak, addicted, and hopeless. I feel thoughtful, full of some underlying love because the music saves me (I wrote in my notebook today "don't tell me you've been here if you ain't doing what Misti's been doing. It could've been too much for you at any point.). I feel exhausted but not wanting to sleep, or maybe not wanting to wake up again. I feel strange, last night's events feel so eventful and Chris gives me shards of purpose without realizing he does it and maybe that's the sacrifice you make when you need somebody because you're a fucked up, depleted person at some point.. I miss her, but ptv is medication in a lockscreen. I feel like all of my problems are so large and impending, that the demons are wreaking havoc and maybe I could run with them yet I feel at the same time they're so small and irrelevant, but the problem with that is that there isn't something bigger. Just a smaller scale on a blank page, but smaller numbers on scales haven't done much to fix this control I don't have. And that's my problem entirely.

1-11-17
I'm realizing the things running this city is me and the music, the lights are on because we believe. That's how I'm ending LIGHTS.

(Technically 11-12-17) (I'm not even fixing that)
I'm still talking to my walls. The sky is all light bc the moon is brighter and it reminds me of dawn and I'm telling my room how I miss it more than ever, that I'd love to be looking at streetlights and parking lots on that windowsill and I can hear my walls tell me they know. And it doesn't hurt, I know they'd change it just as much as I would and I'm honestly running on secrets, all of these thoughts I keep to myself. It's never supposed to be simple, really, and that's something I lost sight of somewhere in summer. I wish I could open my window and smoke but it's froze shut. I wanna stay up all night tonight, just to say I did it. Bc fuck it. Drew is staying the night tomorrow night and tbh I don't want that to happen at all, bc I really want space alone but oh well. Then I'm going to dads.

1-13-17
Wow. January is almost half over. Alex is leaving in ten days for boot camp. I feel disconnected. Drew is next to me asleep rn, moms just heading to sleep and I'm still up listening to Blackbear, just thinking about how interestingly life plays out. I'm still thinking of everything that was, but there's so much that is. So much happening. I feel slightly claustrophobic and like I don't have enough oxygen, my eating and sleep habits are getting back to normal aka they're not entirely healthy but they're at a place of acceptance and I guess I stopped giving a fuck about a lot of things. I wonder where I'm gonna end January at considering it started off pretty fucking bad..

Remember that winter night when Michael was around (back in the trailer on Alabama and Kentucky) when we had those fake plastic cameras and he was working at Pizza Hut or McDonald's and we dropped him off at work and how you noticed the streetlights even back then? Must've been about 9 or 10, maybe 11. Thinking about those things or even basketball shorts and linkin park and shit, all of it that makes winter seem a little desirable.

I'm beginning to think these mistakes are gonna matter somewhere, that this bad shit will reach an equilibrium, and maybe the pain will save someone else, too, when the rhythm hits. Somebody's out there, waiting for it to make this much sense. And I can't say I hate life at this point.. It's weird I rediscovered myself at my worst. That's so hard to believe and see through but it's too logical for me to deny. I know how I work, and if it's crazy to anyone else, fuck it. I'm a bit insane and that's just how I do. I don't give a fuck. I do how I do. I'm in acceptance, because I don't need approval to keep doing what I do.. It's interesting being where I'm at, around here, nobody really fucks with what I'm about.. I don't care if I hit low again, I don't care if I get numb again. That's part of it all, not caring. I wonder how my city is doing, and I know things are shitty and chaotic, but that's okay. I like it so much better when shit don't slow down.

Technically 1-15-17 bc not long after midnight

Just snuck Alex inside. Dads on PM's and out like a light. Alex is leaving soon af for bootcamp. We kissed once just for the pure fact it won't be happening anytime soon afterwards. Smoked. He feels bad for letting me smoke, considering he doesn't want it to kill me or some shit. I'm not addicted though but I do it as I need it I guess, I like how lightheaded it gets me though. Gave me twisted tea, too. It was chill. 8 mile was on. John apologized today. It's weird. I feel like the pieces are going back together a little bit but glue doesn't get it back to normal if you feel me. I don't really trust people the same. I realized how everytime I come back, something inside of me fixes a little bit, and it doesn't matter that I fall back down once I'm back to moms. Progress is slow but worth waiting for. I'm still not okay, still all over the place and mentally unstable. I woke up getting told my cousin  tried to commit suicide at the game last night. That felt odd, and myself and Anthony and destany went through my head.. Everything goes so fast, lately, and I like it. I like feeling full on stress and everything, really. Keeps me going. Life is constantly ahead of me, constantly there. A part of me doesn't give a fuck, a part of me wants to grind and shit and do what I love, but I feel so exhausted. It's weird how much bad is going on rn from dad to Chris (just hoping he's okay) to Alex leaving to my trust issues to moving back to my mom being fake to secrets to cutting to Terry trying to save me to this school to how time is wasting constantly to anorexia to everything. I'm only safe inside of myself, with the music, and the lyrics and walls of blood and city lights and smoke and love and bad shit and plastic gasoline containers full of pain to stars to poetry to everything. Idk how "there" I am. I'm not all the way present.

How are people afraid of murderers, why don't they analyze them like some of us do?

I don't care if you steal my style, they know who did it first

1-16-17
It's seven in the morning now, I got four hours of sleep. Coffee is my friend. Chris is always worth it though. I'm surprised I didn't do anything last night but then again I would've felt guilty if I were on the phone with somebody. Not much going on right now I guess. Monday's a Monday.

I don't know how pain can be so addictive
But it's definitely not addiction
Because addiction kills you
And this,
This was beautiful.
I didn't want my life back from it,
It's made me,
They don't have to understand.

I haven't eaten in almost 28 hours. My stomach hurts so fucking bad, but food will make it worse but better. It's causing the problem yet it fixes the problem and that's so fucked. I feel proud but I wanna pass out so it doesn't hurt as bad. I kind of want to keep going and see just how far I can take it but idk. I shouldn't have messaged destany or replied to John. Nobody fucking needs me.

Two people I know attempted suicide this weekend. It's so crazy. Idek how to process the fact that they could be gone despite how many times I've had this happen. It feels different every time though.

Just slept. No food for 30 hours now. I'm eating a granola bar. Pain has kinda subsided

(Missed the next two days of school bc I got myself sick. I can't even tell you where my mind was at. But it was fucking bad. Half of this doesn't sound as bad as it was bc there's so much depth within some of it and it's all poetic so xD)

(I'm at a place where I wanna get myself to higher ground.)

1-22-17
Nothing matters anymore, in the best way possible. I've got my people, I've got last night and so many fucking memories, I've always got the music, I've got love, I've got love and I've got love. Deer lodge never leaves. Drama doesn't matter, losing anybody doesn't matter. Higher ground, that's the angle were focusing on. I want to push myself to be better. I've spent a lot of time in the numbness of my life, and then hit rock bottom, and loved the temperature of cold water and now we're here. We're here because for once in the last five fucking months, I respect myself. And this is all coming first. The world is falling apart and my life is messy as hell but it's mine, these worlds are mine. I'm going to be kinder, I'm going to look at people differently, I'm going to make the best of everyday I have, even if I hate everything around me. I'm going to lose weight, too, but not because I hate myself. I'm going to laugh and love and create. I'm going to read more, and study things all over again. I'm going headfirst into a new world, galaxies of inspiration, all of the tables are turning. I am intrigued by every move I make and everything I see in my head when it's just me and the sleep deprivation and the future is fucking terrifying because it's all going down in flames but that doesn't matter. What matters is right here, and right now. I'm living on my own terms, I'm reassessing everything. It's having the strength to leave your lowest point when it's the only thing you love. What's going to be important in five years? A blade, pills, and all of this time I spent destroying myself, or my art and these memories? I love them both, and that's okay, so long as it's not negative and it's not consuming me, and they coexist nicely. The people I talk to don't have to understand me, I'm the only one who's gotta get it, I just only wish I could share it all. So here I am. Let's live, this is for us.

(This month has been hell, but bottom line is, I stopped being numb and trying to pretend it didn't exist to say I'm "fighting it". I accepted it and that's who I am. I have to live in acceptance. It's like "we're going to accept this, and just hope we walk out of it with scars and an existence. Like we'll make it". I don't condone these things, I'm not influencing anyone into this. Pain isn't something everyone can learn to love and I've only started to love it again. I've been through a lot and by venting this, I'm not looking for attention or disapproval or anything, really. It's just here to exist bc it can and that's all. I'm sorry if I triggered anyone who read past the trigger warning, please be safe. I love you and thank you for reading everything. It means a lot <3)

"Mama talking that real life" -the weeknd

- (m.m)