12-28-16
I used to rap in empty rooms
and these walls might look better without me smeared all over them.
Suddenly, the desire
To tear it all down
Steps in,
and it's looking a lot like gray paint.

I hate materialistics and I hate necessity,
I hate that money spins our little socioeconomic world,
and if we don't have it,
We shouldn't have anything.
I'll tell you, I learned the hard way
It's nothing like that.

It seems that the closet is the only place here
That I belong,
Dark, bigger than my body,
Hidden.
The world doesn't matter when I'm here,
The noises from the living room aren't real.
I feel more at home,
I feel like maybe these walls here don't need what looks like arrogance
Strewn across them.
They don't need me to plaster love on them,
They might actually feel it themselves,
Just like my old walls.
Somehow this closet hangs the music
And not clothes,
So I can see my love,
But only when it's dark.

I cannot down the failure,
I cannot accept the fact that
This is where I'm at.
I've been trying to clean up,
I really have been,
and it's worked,
Sort of.
But I waste hours laying in bed
and the times that I should feel like I'm flying,
Have the opposite affect.
My own mind isn't even an obsession,
and it seems I'm crashing into my own actions,
Because the repetition is suffocating.

I want you to feel my love,
I want you to know I'm in your veins,
Because I've got all of these people,
But I choose you,
And I love you like you're real,
Because they don't have to understand.

I'm sick of drinking and drugs
And scandal,
I'm sick of being kicked when I'm down,
I'm sick of ruining you,
And missing what's been burned by my hands.
I think I'm a little sick of life,
And the music is the only thing
That can get me through the suicide nights.

Thinking isn't always dangerous,
Not that I'm one to get things right lately.

I could throw my phone away at this point,
I dont want to handle anything,
And ive told you distance and isolation kill me.
Does this make sense to you?
- (m.m)

Basically it was all downhill from there

1-1-17
I can only update you on where my life's been but I cannot spill the things going on in my head.
These lines feel pointless,
But I know you're right here waiting,
And that there's life even when you hit rock bottom,
Still fish at the ocean floor,
(Forms of death were forms of life and demons can be accepted)
I know this energy will be momentum later,
But for now I'm clinging to rap beats
And smooth RnB,
Watching chords tangle,
And doing what I can to lose myself.
I have so much to show you,
But that's all for later,
So much to tell you,
But that's all for later.
Here's what I know-
Life can change in the most drastic of ways,
Even when you've had the decision
In your hands the whole time.
And I know,
You'll be right here waiting,
You're not going anywhere,
Because I'm an addict at best,
And a dreamer at heart,
And I'll pull through.
You've yet to know what exactly is my limit here,
And what lengths my body is going through
To try to rid myself of this
Because five months and I really haven't fixed myself,
Just injected memories
Into the veins of days that I don't exist
And told myself if there's one thing that can get me out,
It's the music.
Numbers come together
Just like the tempo
And conversations play out
Like months and people have,
And I start to think life has worked out,
But only recently do I realize
The story of it.
Honesty comes in shades of lowtoned subtlety,
But you don't have to hide,
We've shed blood
And tripped balls,
And smoked our lungs black.
We don't turn back here,
We only mix colors like paint
And we work with the same canvas.

Maybe I'm not done.
After all,
I'm an addict at best,
And a dreamer at heart.
This might fix me.
- (m.m)

I ended up liking that a lot more than I thought I would. Idk how much I'll be posting from here on out but the last stanza says it all for me, because it's almost four am, and a phone call put me in a good mood (it's been awhile since I had one of those long calls that are just that good), and idk what it'll be like when I wake up later but for tonight (and yesterday) 4am has been worth loving.