12-25-16
And I wonder what stability is like, I wonder what walls feel like when their history is shared and not loved in secret. I wonder what it's like to be home in a place aside from cities that exist and cities that don't. I wonder what happens when you're safe somewhere that isn't trapped between two headphones. I wonder about a lot of things, like if the people around me know I'm high on something and it's not anything I've taken. I wonder if they can see my pain and see my secrets, buried underneath layers of skin, forming valleys between the scars. I wonder if they see the skeletons I don't have room for anymore but their stories are etched in chalk over their charcoal bodies and I can't let that go. I wonder if they see the shattered glass that I see when I look in the mirrors when i start sinking. I wonder if they see how much anger I've shoved into my jawline and how many fingernails I've broken digging and digging until the pain tolerance gave way (do they see me push to my limit or do they only see me break?). I wonder if they can smell the weed and alcohol and pills and anxiety, do they read it in the poetry? I wonder if they think I'll never be worth anything because if so, they'd love to have coffee with my demons- I'm sure they wouldn't have problems. I wonder if cold sheets love me like I love them. I wonder if they can see the knives being thrown, or if they think one switchblade won't do much to someone this unstoppable. I know I can be so much better but this is how I come- racked with mistakes, very few promises, fire in my eyes, and bursting at the seams with love and emotion they could never quite understand. Take me or leave me, I've seen both and everything in between.

Maybe I love objects and places so much because I know they feel my love, and experience is my shit. Maybe I know they couldn't leave me if they tried.

What if I told you I only chase being full, and that emptiness is all that eats at me? I used to call it depression but the pain doesn't bother me- it's the numb that drains me. I can grow green gardens from pain and houses from anger, throw my words on walls, and make constellations from my love. But what do you do when the white is too blinding and you're not even sure how you got here? Like life just drugged you and you've been taken somewhere new, with a headache and a hell of a lot of desperation. Where do you go, then? The music can try to save you but if you're not putting in love, you can't get it back, and it's taken me months to realize this. It's as easy as loving. You get back what you put in.

I look at the simplicity of ignorance, and it's so easy. Got me thinking I could almost join them, break this glass door, and stop fighting- just tranquilize my rebellion and be on the other side. It's as easy as that. Wouldn't it be good? No relapses, no addiction in the first place, no depression, no broken home, no extreme heights and depths, no intensity, no risk.. I think it's too late, I've tattooed myself with love here, and there's no going back because when it comes down to it, I don't want the other side. This is my city, everything I've build from the ground up, and nothing could take that away. I'm alienated because there's a population of fighters waiting. They're out there, and I'm coming.

Feed off of my experience because this world is full of sharks, and I only pray to god you appreciate this blood I put in, because my whole life goes here. There's nothing that the music and I can't get through. I've died for this a thousand times, you can't break it if you tried. I've got my future and a couple others riding on this dream, and there's no way we don't make it happen.

I'm sort of melting, and I'm not liking how it all mixes because division is my complexity and I'm hooked. I'm at the bottom of the sink, and the bathroom feels safe but there's nothing below me, just the end. Sometimes I wonder what'd happen if rebuilding never happened, and anxiety stuck around. But the water starts running and the love is rising and filling. I think it might save me, I think you might save me. I float to the surface and film over the edges, I'm becoming something I can accept. I think love is gonna save me, and this one never left.
- (m.m)

12-26-16
Years, they pass so quickly,
And experience starts to pile up,
But sometimes the tops of skyscrapers
Are only made for the suicidal.

Bottles, only made for two good things:
Breaking, and draining.
You're not made to become a bottle.

I want to talk
About where life's at,
So let's just be real for a second here.
It's not a matter of the last straw breaking,
It's a matter of all of them breaking.
You might dream of me in shades of lace and black light
Or dawn and packages of Skittles on the floor in your backseat.
You might dream of me in shades of darkness,
Or artifical light under a streetlight.
All I'm saying is I'm me no matter what side of me you think looks closer to gold than it does ash.

I'll pay for love,
And fall into a debt,
I'll rise above you
Because I don't forget
Sitting on that couch
Thinking I could trust you,
But drinking isn't a ticket to safety,
and it's not my parents that made me
When nickelback albums fucking raised me
and you say that I'm shady,
A fucked up little soul,
But my god,
Why do I feel this old?
With circles under my eyes,
but you're still not sold,
Said you could be disgusted with me,
But is that your definition of family?
You really can't see,
The holes in my body
Aren't just there because I can't breathe,
I can scream all I want,
But you just don't feel me.
Talk yourself up like you're god,
But words are all you got,
And I'll always watch,
Memorize it down to my every thought.
I thought stability was caught
and captured somewhere,
but I must've been skipped,
Because it's not there,
and the guns keep going off,
But you don't seem to care.
I'm sorry your daughter isn't what you wanted,
Maybe you should realize her mother's love is shared,
But only when it's tangled in some guys hair,
Because the rest of it is cold
and you think I can be fixed
By words that tell me it's as easy
As just saying it,
Draining the only thing that keeps me going,
To keep you in a place where you know me,
Try to leave because my stomach is sick,
and my nails cannot break for you,
But this is it.
Take me to the top floor,
take me to the top floor,
Steal handfuls of pills,
And shut the cabinet door,
I'm sorry I can't be more
Than a thief
But you'd love to hear it takes a certain disrespect to get me here.
The elevator stops
And I'm not even close to the top,
Because getting what I wish for
Is a bucket of deceit,
Did you get bored of the color,
and change it from that blue grey of grief?
Maybe these walls are now more of an illusion,
double mirrors and confusion,
all I'm seeing is myself,
I'm the last person I'm using,
but im nothing but a drug,
They learn from the best at abusing.
I start to tear the paint off,
Chipping away until it's all white,
Pretty and perfect, everything you like,
I've spent hours screaming to tracks you hate,
scream so loud god screams back from heavens gates,
Am I not desirable when I break,
When I snap and shatter,
My body a cage,
For what they're afraid to say?
You mock my progress,
and it's happening so often,
I think they're right,
I stay up for hours at night,
and I can't even write,
Because what's in my stomach isn't something to digest,
I should spit it back up
But what's done is done,
and I'm so fucking done here, too,
Because I never thought I'd think of you
the ways I'm afraid to think of my own mother,
But we're all on a merry go round
and it's not what it was in May.
Let go and fall into the music,
The city sounds tell you
You can do this,
Love so solid you couldn't move it,
Hell so strong you'd never choose it,
Dream so hard, you couldn't lose it,
We can do this.
Doubt me, but im only pouring gasoline
Over these days,
Watch em go up in flames,
I'm so over it,
Done playing games
But life's sure playing me the same,
And I watch the hope fall through the rafters,
Feeling the heat of what happens after
as it burns my skin cells,
But I won't let you be the devil of a hell
I created for myself
Because im a sucker for pain,
And I'll tell you how it goes down
but it won't feel the same,
Because on the other side,
I'm insane,
But over here,
These are the seeds to gardens
You'll see over the hills,
and to get inside,
You say you'd kill,
But you don't know the road up.
I can do beautiful things with fire,
and if I breathe it long enough,
It's my only desire,
So watch me get higher
than the motherfucking top floor,
And I'll be so much more
than something screwed up,
something that needs help,
Because they can't dig me out of this one,
Considering I'm up with the birds,
Made diamonds out of hurt,
And when you're saying I'm what you've always been proud of,
I'll tell you I'm not her.
If we never sleep,
Stay up all night,
Giving secrets to the sheets,
Because it's only love we all need,
She said 7 billion people
and all we need is love,
But money runs the world,
And I'm starting revolutions in my bloodstream,
tell me you wanna join me,
So we can paint canvases on the stars,
and lay it all on the season,
So the memories aren't far,
and I know we've got a thousand days
to breathe like we're young,
Before we reside in cities of luck
Like we've belonged here all our lives,
and lighters are never too bright
to shine through your eyes
and make me feel alive
so let's change the world one poem at a time,
One manic episode at a time,
Let's talk power and numbers
And freedom and summer.
I am in love with the life I see when I shut my eyes.
- (m.m)

I made a mess with words but there's a hell of a lot of love there.