11-2-16
Spill your guts as your organs turn black,
I can see straight through them.
Your eyes go gray
and we share this feeling,
This high anger,
This ruthless destruction-
Flooring it forward until we crash
Crash crash crash
Too much in my head
Burn it all down,
Isn't that what I'm meant to do?
Throw up these lies,
The letters hook and tangle
As my body sinks
and goes hollow,
Look at this mess you've made.
The water traps all sound,
And I can't fight for noise,
I've lived in the white noise,
Lived with the screaming,
Scraped off a chunk of her trust
Just to keep myself dreaming,
When you look at me,
Is that what you're seeing?
Or is it hate that you're breathing,
Because I've seen it all before
And ive let this body go numb on the floor,
Down the pills and let the blood drip,
Drag across with my lip,
Make a mess in the red,
I wanted to survive,
And I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to,
I wouldn't do this unless I was fading out of life,
Never followed the light,
Make mistakes
and the good is what I fight,
On days I don't sleep all night,
The lights are so bright
and my body's so done,
some fuck ups are irreversible
and can't be undone,
Throw it on the track,
So it won't hurt to look back,
But I don't want to see anything but black
Old names, new places,
Sickness ingrained in faces,
Hollow your bones,
So they'll all know,
You're nothing,
and you can hide yourself,
from the levels of hell,
The things you'd never tell,
But you don't have to say a word,
I know what they say you're worth,
When you're in that much hurt,
That you put the destruction first,
Before anything that meant something.
They just want you to be nothing.
We're messes of our demons desire,
take whatever the hell gets us a little higher,
Is that the objective?
- (m.m)

11-6-16
We all have holes,
Some burnt,
Some cutout,
Some preconceived,
and some shot.
I've got all of these little bullet holes,
They decorate the spaces where
My veins don't drip.

When you came along,
Things were pretty.
When the emotion would bleed through,
You let me melt onto your carpet.
You tell me now that's when I snap.
You've paid more attention than I thought.

Your Christmas lights and the apple cider
Went down together in some bubbly,
Dreamlike mix.
Things will be different this year,
I can tell before it hits.

When we swung our feet at bridges,
That was my favorite.
When was the last time I wrote a poem for you?
I don't think I ever wrote about cherries and river water,
But I wrote about that night.
(Living too much to write it all down is bad,
But writing too much of it down to live is worse)

What about stripping in the bathroom,
To Hollywood Undead,
Laughing our asses off,
While I forgot the mania at home,
And we all let go,
Didn't bother with how much nose we were
Shoving into the corners of those tiles.
(Please let me sink beneath them,
I dont want to see this anymore)

I don't know where you learned to sharpen your words,
But I think you should follow suit with your knives,
If you're looking for it to be effective.
You looked at the mess of my body at this point
and you wanted to play connect the dots.
You succeeded.
- (m.m.)

You're not looking to sit down at this pity party
But my demons already have.
They're all dressed in the finest they've got-
Temptation, the fabric swirls and catches almost
Effortlessly on every doorknob and stair railing.
Cages- they wear them like jewelry,
Little representations of the prison they call home.
Apathy, sticking out like a thousand needles,
Waiting to sedate.
But what's most noticeable are the memories,
Dangling from their collarbones,
And as I look across the table,
I realize we're more of a family than we were a year ago,
And I think that's progress.
I do hope they watch when they don't have the script
In their control,
I do hope they see beautiful things.
- (m.m)

11-8-16
Tell what you expect of me,
Tell me what you read when you look at me.
Just look at me,
I'm melting,
Into a wax version of disconnection and hatred,
But the love balances me.
Her love balances me.
Maybe I don't take these things in high enough doses.

I'm trying so desperately to hold onto this,
Because it won't slip away if we got each other.
If we're in it,
We're in it for life.
We do this for real or we don't at all.
By the time I quit,
My body will have died so long ago,
Nobody can place a face to the floating letters
and broken syllables.

The wait makes it worth it,
But it's always worth it for you,
And I'm talking her,
But I'm talking this project,
This dream.
It's odd how the feelings of those
Intertwine.

The lights will flash
And we'll go up in neon lights,
Headed straight for the stars.
We do this together.

I look between leaves and apartment buildings
For what lies underneath,
And you're talking like you know deep,
You're talking like you know the blood,
But I think we give in on very different intensities.
These demons are products of smoke
and blades, and
The love that's been missing for so long.
But I could get it all handed to me right now,
I could have it easy,
but it's gotta be this bad,
So I can know this good.
And we've got a lot higher places to be.

I'll get myself there,
I'll dream myself up there.
If only I didn't have to be so productive,
So responsible.
I need to deprive myself of sleep
and run on nothing,
So everything that comes my way
Feels like it's something,
Back onto that alley,
We were running,
Carton of eggs and smiling
While we're ducking.
Never missed a beat,
Before the numb
Of August heat,
and we lit mistakes on fire,
And slept with just sheets,
That's who were supposed to be,
But that persona left me lonely,
and I hate to recognize it.
Shake it all out,
Trying to erase the doubt,
But I've been taking back all I do,
And I never meant to hurt you,
Never meant to make you wish you lived in my skin this scarred,
Remember days wishing on stars,
In the churchyard?
On the hill in the cold,
Pretending everyone there didn't know
We loved and even then,
We knew this wouldn't get old,
Traded addictions for each other,
And I'll be waiting on you,
In all of my impatience,
This is all we've left to do,
Killing time
to try to renew,
The person who,
I know i deserve,
Getting past all the hurt,
While I owe these people the world,
But maybe I don't.
The fuck ups are there,
but you and I hang in the air,
Stopping time,
Just to link
Myself to my lies,
Maybe it'll be better this time,
But it wasn't,
Because if they're not you,
they don't really mean nothing,
Not in that sense,
Let's get a grip on the truth,
While I connect the dots and stars
From me to you,
Just a short drive,
With freedom on the stop signs,
Love through a phone line,
Map it out for me one more time,
Biggest little city and a rhyme,
and my future is going up in lights,
We're going up in lights,
Dirt tracks, so many reasons we don't look back,
But the beauty is in the fall,
Because if you hit rock bottom,
It only means you had it all.
I don't like to end anything,
So we string out these lines,
Drunk on these kind of nights,
speeding with your LED lights,
Kick it at your sisters,
Drinking wine,
Bring me the horizon, and fall time,
Brakes and meters,
Swearing that this shitty Toyota could beat her,
Laughing all the way down,
Drifting around corners now,
Cruising under the street lights,
God, the atmosphere feels too right.
We come up from a thousand memories,
Run with us,
And you can catch them,
Tattoo these lifelines all over your skin,
Because the only way we win
Is through misunderstood sin.
We'll show you to live,
Give all we have to give.
This is us.
This is me,
And this is you,
and we're in this together,
Because you feel this, too.
- (m.m)

This means everything in the world to me.. thank you for being a part of this.. I've lived through a lot, and shit has gotten bad but I gotta keep my eyes on the good and keep going. Writing is so beautiful, and it's the only purpose I have. This is what we're aiming for, and we won't stop.