8-7-16
I'm trying so hard to avoid these shitshows,
Afraid it'll set something off inside my bones.
I'm trapped in bathrooms,
With white tiles and bright lights,
Thinking I couldn't possibly be in need of an escape,
Im already free, arent I?

You're opening doors,
Doors that were slammed open,
Touched my his hands
That smelled like alcohol
And had a destination up my thighs,
Hands I led elsewhere,
Hands that closed distances,
Hands that held my hand over her hair,
Because she was asleep on your chest and we weren't quite labeled.
Hands that felt rough along my arched back,
Accompanied by whispers of
'I love you'
And smiles-
He smiled at me like he was in love, 
And I'm okay with pretending.
I left the window open,
And my room was dipped in orange light and secrecy.
Oh god it's been weeks but I swear
I smell him in the air still,
Like he stained my pillowcases permanently.

I'm closing my eyes before you step in,
None of us in here are ready.
If I pretend I'm asleep,
You won't see the lights in my head,
I know you won't,
Because it's worked every other night.
If I pretend I'm asleep,
Maybe I can get a couple of hollow bodies
On these streets
To slip beneath a sewer drain,
And follow me to the center of the Earth.
I just gotta find a way to get out of these damn sheets.

And if I pretend I'm asleep,
The demons might believe it tonight,
Because the dark is either weightless
Or the heaviest thing in the world.

If I pretend I'm asleep,
Maybe I'll do a good job of breathing right for once.
I heard your voicemail tonight
When it started raining outside,
And I thought I'd call you
Because it'll never rain without
You lingering all over me.

Pretend I'm asleep
Pretend I'm asleep
Pretend I'm asleep

But oh god,
I'm lying to myself.
That's really the fact I'm made of lately,
I'm lying to myself.
And the streets at home
Told me theyre proud of me,
Somebody's gotta be.
When my walls drained,
The aura sunk into the pavement,
Straight down through the subfloors and cinder blocks.

The air is getting hot beneath these blankets,
I'm running out of oxygen and my body
Is overheating like the Cadillac when you left it running outside the restaraunt across from McDonald's.
I'm afraid to smell you again,
Because this time,
You won't be taking your shoes off on the edge of my bed
At five a.m.,
And I won't be smiling,
Thinking "be careful what you wish for",
I won't have to let go of the blanket I held
Because it smelled like you.
Because you're gone.
And goddamn it there's no pretending.
- (m.m)