9-20-16
Maybe I don't know the song till I'm halfway through it,
Maybe I don't know the feeling till it's suffocating me,
Like "oh. I'm home."
Maybe I don't know what slipped through these fingers,
These artists hands,
Till they're bloody and broken and scented by whatever
Just killed my lungs.
Maybe I say maybe too much when I'm in the in between
States, somewhere between drug induced deep sleep
And reality in shades that change by the day,
Days days days get me outta the light,
I'm ready for the night,
Because it'll take half the letters from
Nightmare,
Right?
If only life were a division of characters.
I'm dreaming vividly now,
But I awake and some part of me is empty.
I just need stability,
Because most days I know why I'm doing this
(Key word: most)
But my body is weightless
while I struggle with the desire to make it weightless,
And these questions swirl and spin,
As these circumstances tangle themselves,
I'm so caught in the middle,
And I'm so caught on the outside,
Just let me in tonight,
So I've got a place to stay.
I used to walk pavement and listen
To whatever limited resources of a savior I had,
While the days drained the life out of me
Because I took every minute searching for life
In desperate attempts,
Desperate grasps at words
Trying to explain everything I've seen,
but I need balance,
and I can't say I've got it,
I'm only closer than I used to be.
Closer isn't close enough,
I've learned,
But I've also learned I'm okay with that,
I'm okay with a lot lately.
- (m.m)

9-21-16
The music is medicatingly loud but I think I'm gonna be sick,
Because suddenly I just want this to go away,
And memories cannot leave,
Because im staring myself down in a mirror and there's something pooling
In my eyes again, please tell me
It'll leave as fast as it came.
Tell me the things scratching my throat
Will work today,
BURN HOLES IN MY LUNGS SO I CAN'T TALK
AND MURDER MORE SOULS,
I CAN'T FUCK UP ANOTHER GODDAMN THING
AND MY VOICE IS THE ONLY WEAPON I'VE GOT,
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME,
WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
I WANT TO LEAVE,
I WANT TO RUN OUT OF THIS HOUSE,
AND NEVER SEE YOU EVER AGAIN,
NEVER TELL ANOTHER LIE FOR YOU,
BUT THESE THINGS AREN'T FINAL,
NOTHING IS FUCKING FINAL.
MAYBE I WANT TO FINISH YOU OFF,
MAKE THE LAST MOVE IN THIS
DESTRUCTIVE LIFE YOU'VE SECRETLY
CREATED FOR YOURSELF,
BUT NOBODY SEES IT.
I DON'T WANT YOU DEAD,
I JUST WANT THIS TO BE DONE,
I WANT TO HIT YOU WHERE IT HURTS
BUT YOU'LL NEVER HURT LIKE I HURT,
NOT EVEN IF I KILLED YOU.
YOU'D NEVER REACH THIS LEVEL
OF LIFE.
OH GOD IM SICK AGAIN,
THINKING LEADS TO ACTION
BUT THIS HAS GOTTA BE AS BAD AS IT'LL GET,
BECAUSE THE MEMORIES ARE FLOODING IN AGAIN,
I SHOULDN'T HAVE MENTIONED MURDER.

I'M NOT SNEAKING PEOPLE INSIDE
(NOBODY TO SNEAK IN HAHA
OH GOD HASN'T THIS TURNED OUT
GREAT?)
AND I'M NOT CROSSING STREETS.
I AM NOT VAPING ON YOUR PORCH
OR KISSING ON MY BED
OR SMELLING CIGARETTES AS I
BOUNCE DOWN YOUR STEPS,
I AM NOT SHUTTING SCREEN DOORS
QUIETLY, BUT RECKLESSLY,
AND STAYING UP LATE,
WATCHING MUSIC VIDEOS ON MTV,
I AM NOT IN BATHTUBS, FEELING WEIGHTLESS,
AND I AM NOT ROOFING AT 5 AM.
I AM NOT WHERE I ONCE WAS.
BUT I AM SOMETHING LIKE ALIVE
SOMETHING LIKE DEAD,
SOMETHING LIKE TRAPPED IN
AND SO FAR FROM MY BED,
THIS IS THE BLOOD I SHED,
AND IT'S SO HUMANLY RED,
I AM NOT A MACHINE
BUT THINGS ARE GETTING MECHANICAL,
I PUSH THE LIMITS
LIKE A FUCKING RADICAL,
HAZY EYES AND ADDERRAL,
MAKING ENOUGH CASH
TO STILL COUNT IT ALL,
WE AIN'T MAKE IT YET,
AND MAYBE EVEN THEN,
I'LL STILL BE THIS TO DEATH.
I'M COUGHING MY LUNGS OUT,
IT ECHOES OVER THE TRACK
THAT I CAN'T SKIP,
I CAN'T SKIM OVER THESE
LYRICS AND NOT SENSE THE HISTORY.
I'M ON A VERY DARK PATH HERE
BUT THE MOON LIGHTS THE WAY.
- (m.m)

Those are so fucking different, wow, a day can do things to you, but really nothing happened, this is just my mindset. Idek. Destructive today. Maybe I'll balance out if I explore the depths of fictional characters, get the hell outta my life and try a new one for awhile.