9-9-16 
So you want to know what my life feels like these days? 
God, where do i begin? 
I've got film in my head, 
Been haunted by memories and eyes 
That are so far dead, 
they're cold and heavy 
like that familiar sense of dread. 
but they feel alive 

(tell me this is real, tell me you see it all, too)
M

y life is composed of running bodies, 
highs on more than the music, 
demons are around the corner, 
I know the scents among the bodies, 
I pick them out, 
I'm in love with the 
deconstruction. 

I've been writing philosophy again, 
looking into these things 
and quietly letting my bones catch fire 
from the bass, the bass that tells me 
this is what you want to do for the rest of your life. 
I'm manically high still, 
but it's mixing like liquid at the bottom of my stomach as my body is rejecting it, 
and truthfully. the temptation never left. 
I'm sinking 
I'm flying 
I'm up in the clouds 
I swear I'm dying 
I'm drinking like I'm not dreaming 
I'm fueling my mechanical parts 
(are our organs mechanical?) 
with bullets of strength and I suppose 
if i make my ammunition up, it's all in my head 
and darling, I'm already fucking there 
so what do i really have to lose? 
My words sound more courageous than they should. 
I'm drifting through the in between states, 
the pavement is cracked and i fucking hate it here 
and i tell you I'm figuring it out 
but I'm too busy to even breathe 
and my lungs are on fire, 
the sharp little pains feel comforting.
 I've been told I don't want bad habits 
but I do 
because you don't look so bad and 
these cigarettes put me in a false reality 
that I'm home, 
but I'm far from it 
and words still shatter my eyes, 
and although I'm not scared 
I am not afraid anymore, 
I'm still human somehow 
and I'd rather you stab me than 
speak. 

I look at you like  you're art and nothing is connecting, 
these surroundings are artificial 
and my bones are made of plastic, 
but I'm so authentic. 
I get confused sometimes, 
I get sidetracked sometimes, 
won't you fuck up one more time  
so I'll fall in love? 

I think of people I can't speak about, 
I'm dreaming in limbs that aren't mine, 
as the worlds drip in disconnection. 
Won't you trip on my affection? 
Get lost in this rejection? 
taste it so bitterly 
and spit in my direction? 
spill your secrets on nights with the rain 
(and trust me with your secrets, 
the pavement is sacred)
bleed out so I'll taste your pain 
when i kiss you and things start to change 
I'm questioning what they don't 
about what lies in your bones 
What i see isn't the same, 
I see a different face, 
and you don't have to be brave. 
let down your facade 
I've got hours of sleep to lose 
let's just talk 
I miss circling the block 
with a body that isn't you 
hugs that don't belong in your arms 
and maybe I'm afraid to admit 
that I've been fucking up so frequently, 
I know you can't keep track 
and I can't seem to open my mouth, 
let the truth spill out, 
because you don't know me 
and i find that addictive.
You don't show me
You see my intuition
You don't show me
That you see this addiction
You don't know me
But show me crufiction
I want to feel alive,
Life feels like fiction
And I'm floating through pages
I've been here for ages
And suddenly I'm staining
Like an eclipse,
Please tell me you see this.

these days don't feel right 
and I'm trying not to slip into all of this 
but I'm sinking and I'm starting to wonder 
who sees. 
I'm starting to wonder what anyone sees. 
- (m.m) 

Tell me about the days I never committed to memory 
I'm obsessed with you and your life again 
because you've dropped out of mine. 
I'm stuck with wasted time,
Tell me I'm not running in place.
- (m.m)

Thanks Michael.

9-10-16
I don't like to watch bodies decay,
I dont like to understand these feelings
when they're far from okay,
Because I thought I'd be helping somebody someday
But you're so far away,
And it's difficult,
It's so fucking hard,
Watching the apathy stain you like it's contagious,
Oh please promise me you won't let this take you,
Because if you won't listen to me face to face,
feel me through a screen,
and I'm not ready to see cop lights again anytime soon,
I know you feel the same,
But your existence means something to me,
Can't you fucking stop denying it?
The truth is I need you.

I'm wasted on memories and I'm walking the streets,
Trying to tame these flames
I call anxiety.
We've been talking about my life and this week has been a fucking mess,
Can you read it on me?
Or do you fall for a facade like they do?
Cops and anxiety,
Lately, I just want to sleep it away,
Say fuck it,
Because what do i really have to lose?
Everything.
Yet nothing.
I wish I knew how to say everything in my head,
But my mind's alive
and my body's in disagreement there.
You see,
I'm just floating through it all,
Because I'm my only lifeline,
But I just don't want to handle tonight alone,
Handle anything alone,
I just want home.
I've been busy,
My life is speeding by,
I love it,
I won't deny that,
But it's all so hazy.
I see images in my head,
Like sitting in the dark and
What's inside of my head is
A hallway,
To a hospital or some shit,
But the lights keep flickering
And I'm just making my way down,
In little glimpses of fluorescent light,
Drifting through this place like a ghost,
The edges are dark, though,
And the walls are dirty,
But they're empty,
And you're somehow at the end of this hallway,
Glowing in white light.
Somebody left a window open and there are papers drifting through a room,
Floating in night air freely,
Sometimes I wish I could be the embodiment of that feeling.

And honestly, I'm just scared,
Is it ironic I'm scared of the truth?
Scared of what's left of my youth?
Ready to jump and fall,
Take risks and lie,
If it's what I gotta do,
Forget gravity and fly,
Just to feel something new,
Talk to walls,
Tell them all about you?
Because we've got so many gaps,
and the distance could be the death of me
Could be, should be, has been, won't be,
So much is ready to kill me,
But I've got the power,
It's surging through my fingertips,
The sound is getting louder,
I've got control,
I'm at the top of this tower,
But I don't feel so powerful,
No, because I think of running everyday,
Do you dream in colors more than just gray?
Do you ever fantasize about what it's like
To ditch death and get away?
If you don't love where you're at,
Is it really a waste?
Or do we have to be okay with
Circumstance at the first taste?
I'm sick of being monochromatic,
I'm sick of sinking,
And ive done a lot of thinking,
I've fallen into routine
and although it's comforting,
It's a trap,
Because im suffocating,
Please just tell me this hallway ends,
Tell me the nightmare is over eventually
And I won't be the only thing rising from the dust,
Because my bones are strong,
But I don't want to be alone,
I'm afraid,
And the truth is always so hard to say,
So keep my secrets safe,
Let's just talk till the light of day,
Because I miss you,
And this isn't where I should be,
I love home more than I could see,
And its memory
Doesn't hurt,
I've accepted the end,
Because im already friends with death,
It looks me in the mirror,
And I can't run,
Maybe that's the moral of the story,
I haven't started over here,
Because there are things inside of me that don't die,
Look me in the eyes and don't lie,
What do you see?
From person to person,
The answer is gonna vary,
but I'm only curious and it's just a question,
Because my own image is starting to lessen,
Tell me I don't look as haunted as I feel
Because quite frankly, your existence doesn't feel real,
and I'm sorry,
Because I told you these things wouldn't happen but they have
And I can't run from the past,
It's inside of me,
Carving is useless,
And I have no shame,
I only have the truth,
But in order to live it,
I've gotta lie,
Tell me that makes sense.
- (m.m)