9-6-16

How many cigarettes have I smoked today?

I could make an assumption it's been 23,

because that's my obsession lately-

and your birthday is on the 23rd.

You see, I'm desperate for any connection to you

that isn't virtual.

There's lights on all over this city and maybe the nicotine is threatening to burn all of my existence into a glass ash tray that's seen nothing but gray for far too long,

but right now, the view is nice,

and it's occurring to me that I'll get out of this somehow.

It's occurring to me I'm made of more than just dead hollowed out memories,

that creation is still here.

It's weird, I slip in and out of mental a coma

and the in between states always confuse me,

It'd be nicer to just be definite in where I'm at.

- (m.m)

not my perspective but I'm digging it

It's weird that people have watched me come this far,

that the girl next door coloring with chalk listening to Katy Perry

grew the fuck up.

Even when she got older and fell in love and lit grass on fire

with an Off! candle in her yard with you when you played Bob Marley

and she talked about Lorde with Evan,

things have changed so much.

You see, somewhere along the line,

you worried about cuts on her wrist and

now we're hotboxing your room

and when did life get so good?

You love me through all of this change,

you've always been the quiet type

(you like your bass loud)

and it's in your nature to just roll with it

but me,

I'm fucking unpredictable at best.

This isn't us flying kites in the field up the alleyway,

this isn't second grade when we'd play in my dad's yard all day long

this isn't third grade with sticky popsicles

this isn't third grade riding the same bus

this isn't fourth grade with both of us crushing on some popular idiots

this isn't fifth grade with no contact

this isn't sixth grade with fist fights and knives over me

this isn't seventh grade with keith and insults to kesha and group chat spams

this isn't eighth grade with worried glances and runaways and garage talks 

this isn't anything,

this is us,

thank you for growing up with me and thank you for loving me like family.

thank you for all of the grilled cheese and good memories.

for Aj.

misti,

thank you for waking up everyday and loving me

supporting what I do,

since literally day one,

thank you for noticing what no one else does,

thank you for thinking of me,

thank you for letting the crazy in me come out to play more often,

thank you for all of the funny, stupid, crazy, beautiful memories-

I fucking love you.

thank you for handling everything right by my side

so I wont be alone,

thank you for the letters and the calls and the reassurance,

thank you for giving a shit about me,

thank you for your words,

all of it means the world.

thank you for letting our worlds meet,

four damn years and a lifetime ahead.

for allie,

thank you for believing in me,

thank you for echoing through my head

and understanding art like nobody else I know does,

thank you for all of your essence and your ocean deep supply of beautifully crafted words,

thank you for everything-

thank you for watching me grow

and seeing it through,

thank you for your love.

thank you for being here and being such an amazing friend

even if we live miles away.

I love you.

for destany,

thank you for letting me breathe through handfuls of new experience,

thank you for teaching me so much,

thank you for all of those phone calls,

thank you for the inside jokes

and church adventures.

thank you for understanding me like nobody else ever could at the time,

thank you for staining my brain with your face under the moonlight

thank you for loving me when your life got heavy

and mine was bullshit,

thank you for reading my poetry when I didn't even know you cared enough to keep doing so,

thank you for not leaving for good so far.

you weren't my first love

but you were the first that really meant something

in ways nobody had been able to

and thank you for making an intellectual, crazy, incredible, messy four months

into something like forever,

I am lucky to have met you.

for john,

thank you for showing me something I didn't realize about myself

and that's how willing I am to stand up and fight for family

thank you for this summer

and thank you for not dropping,

even when I know destany probably gets jealous.

thank you for the nights in my yard

and thank you for the street talks and walks

 and hugs and thank you for

reading my poetry and caring about it so much,

thank you for writing your own 

and inspiring mine,

thank you for being my best friend.

I love you

we're family.

fuck, that goes for everyone in this damn poem.

thank you to the characters and stories in my head,

thanks for populating my city

on those hollow insomniac nights.

thank you for writing with me and creating busily

even when my life is on hold

or too fast to feel real.

you guys mean the fucking world to me,

and not just for any benefit I get out of it,

your ways of existence are all so unique.

I love you, with all the pieces of my humanity

and I'd do anything for you.

You're important to me in very different ways.

thank you for supporting me.

- (m.m)