8-30-16
I don't feel the music until it's all the way up,
and I've got fire beneath this silence,
Behind my glassy eyes
That are too tired to focus,
And I'm feeling a little dead,
Because I know what I want-
I just don't have it,
And I'm working on it,
I really am,
Just give me a little time,
Because I need bodies and places
And my head's somewhere familar
But I'm not,
Not physically.
I'm drifting through these molecules
And air particles,
I'm hanging in the air,
Suspended by something unknown,
And these eyes I keep seeing
Look almost familar,
I have to look twice,
Study, watch, because
I like to believe I'm not so far away.
How do I feel alive?

I'm backing away,
Hiding,
Sinking into these
Insecurities
But I wear confidence like clothing.
I just think it's best I shut my mouth,
But I don't do what I'm supposed to,
I dont do what's best.
And thats what's best for me.

I don't like the taste of this,
But I'm a sucker for familiarity right now-
I'm just so confused,
And I can't expect it to feel right
When I can't clean up my act enough
To do that for myself.
- (m.m)

8-31-16
These memories flash behind my eyelids,
And if you'd slow down with your words,
My bloodstream might catch the rhythm, too.
I'm hoping I'll find a way to stop the oxygen
And melt into this carpet,
Because suddenly breathing is harder than it used to be
And the last time I felt like this I was home
Oh god home,
Maybe these signs are going the wrong direction
And I'm in so deep
The signs don't say anything anymore
Literally.

I'm trying to medicate
But I don't have the right tools,
But as Eminem says,
"Not even the doctor's at the hospital
Are gonna shigy-shocked you back to life"
Because I'm dead.
But my mind seems alive
The pace of things is fast and alive,
And sometimes I drown myself in these little pieces of familiarity,
Because my head hasn't changed,
My surroundings have, though.

Night drives and speeding,
And lately these eyes have pooled with darkness,
They hide to a place far deeper in my skull,
But of course you wouldn't notice,
Because you'll never change,
Not for him,
And hell knows, not for me.
Not for anybody.

And the disconnection is almost good for me,
Lost inside my head,
And maybe they'll see these eyes reflect all of the light,
They don't take any of it in,
I'm so far gone.
I'm connecting dots,
Reading faces like books,
Taking to art,
Talking to myself.
These mirrors don't talk back,
But I do.

And maybe I'm losing myself in these levels of anxiety,
These meltdowns,
Slamming brakes,
Oh please don't take my safety away from me.
I wear confidence around my neck
But I think I tied it too tight.
My bad, I'm sorry oxygen
Stopped being so desirable.
-(m.m)

Writing one tonight too, just didn't update these earlier I love you!