The next morning I awoke at 5:00, got dressed, had some cereal, drove through the donut place on the corner, and was at the police station by six.

I placed the sticker on the back windshield of my car and then used my card to scan in the building through the back door.

A few officers were straggling around and I smiled at them before setting my bag at my desk and turning on the computer then proceeding in walking back to the kitchen and starting the coffee maker.

Once that was done I set the boxes of donuts on the counter and then went back to the supply room to make sure there was paper in the machine and then went back to my desk.

I drummed my fingers on the desk as the computer came to life and then logged in.

I was about to check the email I had been provided when the door opened from the back halls and Calum walked in with Luke.

"Morning." I said and Calum's eyes landed on me.

"Hey, what are you doing here so early?" He asked me, a smile on his lips.

"Thought i'd get a good start on my first day." I said. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be sleeping."

"I have the morning shift today then i'll go back and sleep." Calum said.

"Okay." I looked at him skeptically.

He walked around my desk and leaned over me.

"I believe I promised you a special kiss." He smirked.

"You did." I smiled back and he moved in to kiss me.

His lips were soft and warm as they caressed my own and I didn't want the kiss to end but when it did I didn't stop smiling.

"That's a great way to start my morning." I said and Calum laughed.

"So my office is right here." Calum touched the wall behind my desk where there was a window.

"Oh really? Well then we'll be close."

"Yeah, come on in." He said and took my hand, pulling me up and walking me to the other side of the wall where his office was.

There was a desk on the left and one on the right, each with a computer and Calum sat down at the one on the left.

"This is my desk." He smiled.

"Cool." I smiled back at him and looked at his things, noticing he had several pictures of Meredith and the boys on his desk.

I looked back at him and for some impulsive reason I leaned in to kiss him.

"Okay, chocolate or strawberry?"

"Ummm chocolate?" He said.

"Be right back."

I touched his chest as I slid off his desk and went to the kitchen, pouring one cup of coffee and then grabbing a chocolate frosted donut with a napkin.

I walked back to Calum's office and set the two on his desk.

"Have I ever told you that you are my favorite person?" He asked me with a grin.

"What? I thought I was." Luke whined from his desk, Calum and I both laughing.

"You haven't actually, but I accept the title."

"Good." He said. "Thanks for this by the way."

"No problem."

I kissed his cheek and then left his office and went back to my desk.

I sat down and then saw I had a message on the phone and pressed the voicemail button to see I had a message from an Officer Crowden to say he was expecting a fax today.

After I wrote that down on a sticky note I went to log into my email but it kept telling me my password was incorrect, and after my tenth try I was extremely frustrated.

"Calum!" I called and a few moments later he walked out from his office.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"I'm trying to log onto my email but it's telling me my password is wrong and I literally just made it yesterday. Like I wrote it down."

"Hmm." He hummed as he leaned over and began to look.

He tried typing in my password and then looked at my keyboard before laughing.

"Well, you had it on caps lock." He chuckled and hit the caps lock key again before re-typing in my password, granting me access to my email.

"Thanks." I mumbled out of embarrassment.

"You're fine." He continued to chuckle and then kissed my head before going back to his office.

I wrote down the tasks that other officers had emailed asking me to do.

I went through and deleted them once I had and then saw a new email.

'From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Ness,

Captain Sutherland sent out an email that said we should contact you if we need anything. So if I need a kiss from the girl i'm dating (aka you), how should I go about doing that?

Thanks,

Calum

(p.s. I'd preferably like a kiss in the next few minutes)'

I rolled my eyes after reading his email and smirked as I began to type back.

'From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Calum,

If you want a kiss, I suggest coming out to my desk and getting one, and if you would like one soon I would suggest coming out here before I leave for my other job.

Sincerely,

Nessa'

Not a minute after I had replied Calum came out from his office.

"You're leaving soon?"

"Yeah in about five minutes." I said.

"Okay. Well after I leave work i'm picking up the boys from daycare and going home to sleep, so I won't see you at lunch today."

"Alright." I gave him a small smile.

"So I'll see you tonight when you come over for dinner." He smirked and I flirtatiously did the same back.

"Oh, so i'm coming over for dinner, huh?"

"Yup. And after we eat we are going to watch a movie and have some dessert and make out."

"Oh we are, are we?"

"Mhmm."

"Well what if I had plans?" I asked and he looked at me dead in the eyes with a very serious expression.

"Cancel them."

"Okay then." I laughed and he leaned in for his kiss.

I smiled as I placed my hands on his cheeks and then kissed him happily.

"I'll see you at 5:30?" He asked when we broke it off.

"Yes." I smiled up at him.

I then stood up with my bag and he waved as I left through the back.

I drove myself to the corner store after I had left the station and walked inside to find Kate already there.

"Hey!" I smiled.

"Hey! How was the station this morning?"

"Good. I think i'm really going to like working with Calum."

"Mhmm." She said and I looked to see her smirking as she looked down at the keyboard she was typing on.

"What?" I asked her, suspicious of her behavior.

"Nothing." She said, and I could see her trying to fight her smile.

"Tell me." I said and she shook her head. "What? Did Calum say something?"

"I swore on my life not to say a word to you so help your girl out by not questioning me."

"What the hell is going on?!"

"Nothing! Nothing!"

"Kate! What is it?!"

She bounced up and down anxiously before sighing.

"Calum called me last night at like three in the morning and rambled on for an hour about how he felt like he had never been happier in his life than he was now and he felt like that was due to you and he had apparently not seen you a lot yesterday or something and he was thinking about asking you something tonight. That's all i'm going to say!"

"Ask me what?" I pressed harder.

"I won't tell you!"

"Kate!"

"No!"

I sighed in defeat and then dropped my bag behind the counter.

"Fine."

"Don't be mad at me." Kate frowned. "I promised Calum, and it's nothing bad, trust me."

"Whatever." I sighed again.

As the morning went on I wondered what Calum was going to ask me.

It was too soon for him to ask me to be his girlfriend so I was really out of ideas.

At lunch, Michael and Ashton came in, full
blown smirks on their faces as well and I got really frustrated.

"So, Nessa, any plans tonight?" Michael asked me.

"Shut up!" I whined, him and Kate laughing.

"Wait, what are you taking about?" Ashton asked and this only made Kate and Michael giggle harder.

I wanted nothing more than to go home at this point and after Michael and Ashton left I began to gather my things.

"Nessa." Kate said as I began to leave. "Dress nice tonight."

I nodded before walking out.

Once I got home I threw myself on my sofa in annoyance, actually screaming into a pillow before falling asleep for a few hours.

I awoke at four and did as Kate said and went to dress nice to go have dinner at Calum's.

I chose a black long sleeved shirt with a light pink skirt, tucking the shirt in. I had black booties to wear with it and then curled my hair and re-did my makeup.

By the time I was ready it was time to go so I locked up the house and left.

When I arrived at Calum's the porch lights were on and so were the interior lights.

I parked in front of his house and then made my way up to the front door, knocking three times.

When the door opened Calum was standing there in his grey sweater with the tan patches on the elbows and jeans.

"Hey." He smiled at me. "Come in."

I stepped inside and he closed the door behind me.

"You look great." He placed a hand on my shoulder and kissed the side of my head.

"Thanks."

As I looked around I saw the house was much tidier than normal and the boys were nowhere to be seen.

"Where are Eli and Cade?" I asked him.

"They're at Kate's. I wanted it to just be me and you tonight."

"Oh." I said and he looked at me oddly.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Today has just been...a very weird day."

"Why?" He asked.

"Just, people have been acting strange around me."

"Well, how about some wine to take away your troubles?"

"Sure." I nodded and he led me to the kitchen where there were two pots on the stove and something in the oven. There were two wine glasses on the counter next to a bottle of pinot and he poured us each a glass.

This was weird.

"So what's with all of this? The dressing up and the making me dinner, the wine?"

"Just wanted to do something special to thank you for being so patient with me the last couple of days." Calum shrugged.

The oven beeped and Calum set down his wine glass and went to go check on whatever was cooking before grabbing some oven mitts and taking out a pan.

"You can have a seat at the table." He turned and smiled at me.

I took my glass and his and set them at the table before sitting down, watching as he made us each a plate before bringing them over to the table.

He then sat down next to me.

"You're being really quiet." He commented.

"I guess i'm just confused as to what is happening." I said slowly.

"Well we are having a night in." He chuckled.

"I know that, but I guess i'm wondering why?"

"Because I wanted to spend time with you, and I'm hoping you want to spend time with me."

"I do." I gave him a little smile and he leaned across the table to kiss me.

I smiled into the kiss and when he pulled back his eyes locked with mine and he smiled beautifully at me.

He went to his seat again and the two of us began to eat, the only sound being that of our silverware scraping against the plates.

When we were done he took our plates to the sink and I began to help him clean up but he stopped me.

"Go pick out a movie for us to watch."

"Okay." I said and went to the living room, looking through his movie collection, deciding on the movie When Harry Met Sally.

Calum came in a few minutes later after I had put the movie in and sat down next to me.

"I like this movie." He said.

"Me too."

As the opening scene began Calum's hand reached over for mine. I could feel his eyes on me so I turned and looked at him.

"So there's something I want to talk to you about." He said and I gave him my full attention.

"What is it?"

"So the other night when you and I talked about what we were, it got me thinking about things and...Nessa, since i've met you, I feel something inside of me that I haven't felt in a really long time: I feel hope. And I know that's because of you. When i'm with you I feel like a teenager again, carefree and less worried, and I know that i'm with someone who wants to be with me because they like who I am."

He spoke with conviction and I could see the passion in his eyes.

"I know that you and I both said we wanted to take this slow, and that we didn't need to rush anything, and I still feel that way, but I also feel that I may have a chance at true happiness and I don't want to let it get away from me by not making it mine."

"Calum, what are you saying?" I whispered.

"That if you want, and if you're ready, then I want to make you and I official."

"Official?" I asked and then it blindly hit me. "You mean, boyfriend and girlfriend official?"

"Yes." He whispered back to me. "If it's too soon for you then I understand and we can wait, but i'm ready Nessa. After never thinking i'd find romance again I found it, and I found it with you, and I want to see how far we go."

I was stunned beyond belief.

I didn't know what to say.

I wasn't expecting this to happen so fast.

"Nessa, you look like you're having a stroke." Calum continued to look at me.

"I don't know what to say." I breathed. "Um, can you give me a minute?"

"Yeah-" He said and I stood up and rushed to the bathroom, closing the door behind me and pressing my back to it.

At this the tears began to fall.

The only words I could think were the words of my father last night on the phone.

"Don't get more people involved than you need to."

My mind was so conflicted.

How could I do this to Calum? How could I lie to him and kiss him and maybe one day love him if he didn't know who I really was and what I had done?

But the other part of me knew I could never go back to being Abigail Whitfield again, and that Calum would never meet her, only Nessa Rothchester.

But I had never had such strong feelings for a man before, and I wanted to be with Calum.

But there was also the pressure. Being his first girlfriend after his wife died, being his girlfriend when he had two kids. I didn't know if I could handle that kind of pressure.

"Nessa?"

There was a knock on the door.

"Nessa are you alright?"

I had to face him.

I had to make up my mind.

With shaking fingers I unlocked the door and opened it to see Calum standing on the other side with concern coating his face.

"Nessa."

He stepped forward and I could see him through my tear blurred vision lift his hands and place them on the sides of my face before he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine.

Calum pushed my lips apart with his, kissing me so sweetly and tenderly that it almost made me cry even more.

He gently pulled back and I felt his thumbs swipe under my eyes as he connected our gazes.

"I want you more than i've wanted anything in a really, really long time." He whispered to me.

My breath came in and out quickly and I felt his nose brush against mine.

"Nessa if you're not ready we won't do this." He spoke softly.

"I should be the one saying that to you." I managed to speak and he let out a ghostly laugh.

"I know. But i'm saying that I want to be with you, and that i'm ready to try being a boyfriend again. I know that it won't be easy for me or for you, but i'm willing to do what I can to make us work."

"Calum." I held onto his wrists, his hands still pressed to my cheeks.

"What do you say? Will you be my girlfriend?"

I had to make a decision.

And I knew my choice was going to hurt both of us.

"I'm not ready."

My voice was thin and barely audible, but Calum heard me, and I could see his shoulders drop.

I could feel myself about to burst into a mess of tears and my instinct to flee was overwhelming me.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered, my heart constricting in my chest. "I'm sorry."

At this I rushed from the room, hurrying through his house and out his front door. I jogged to my car and got inside before I completely lost it.

Never had I wanted something so much but couldn't get it. I wanted to be with Calum, but I couldn't get him more involved with me than he already was.

My father was right.

But that didn't change the fact that even on the three dates I had been on with Calum, I could see in him everything I had ever wanted in a man...and I couldn't have him.

I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes and started my car, forcing myself not to look back as I drove myself home.

When I parked in my driveway I slammed my car door shut and hurried inside.

I about ripped my outfit off and changed into sweat pants and a sweatshirt before going to the living room and throwing myself on the sofa.

I never knew heartache could feel like this.

Not twenty minutes later there was a knock at my door and a feeling of dread went through me.

I couldn't face Calum right now.

"Nessa it's me, open up!" I then heard Kate call out and I went to get the door, opening it to see her there with a sad expression. "Nessa..."

Kate opened her arms to me and I stepped into them, the tears making a return as she hugged me.

"Come on." She said and led me to my sofa, sitting down with me. "What happened, Nessa?  Everyone for sure thought you were going to say yes."

"I wasn't expecting it." I cried to her.

"Well I know that. But I thought you really liked him? He's head over heels for you Nessa, and he thought you felt the same way."

"I do."

"So then what is it?"

"I just-"

I was crying hard now and Kate hugged me again.

"Let it all out." She said and as I cried I ended up laying my head in her lap, every mistake I had made in the past couple months flashing through my mind.

I cried for Calum. I cried for my father. I cried for the home I had left behind. I cried for Dawson and Jess. And I cried for myself.

Kate sat there and pet my hair as I cried until there were no more tears for my eyes to leak.

"He's going to hate me." I wiped at my cheeks.

"He doesn't hate you." Kate shook her head. "He's just confused. He wanted to come over here to talk to you but I said I'd talk to you first."

I took a deep breath.

"You can talk to me, Nessa. I know you're a private person and are a hard shell to crack, but i'm here for you."

I wanted nothing more than to spill everything that had happened that made me leave New York and take shelter in this town, but I knew I couldn't.

But I had to tell her something.

And I would tell her, just not tell her everything.

"Something happened back in New York, and I had to leave, and I don't want to get Calum involved. I care for him too much to do that to him."

"What happened?" She asked quietly, knowing my mood had changed.

"Something bad."

"So, what, are you like in the witness protection program?" She asked as an apparent joke and I let out a laugh.

"No. But I just didn't think this would happen with Calum so soon. He said he was ready but I'm not."

"I think there's another reason other than that." She continued to stroke my hair.

"...Im scared."

"Well what scares you? The commitment, the fact that he has kids, that he's a police officer, that he was married?"

"Do you know what that would be like to be the woman after? I would always be the first woman he dated after his wife, the first woman he kissed after his wife, his first girlfriend after his wife. I would forever be the after and that's not easy."

"But you know Calum would treat you like a princess. Nessa, I don't think you understand just how screwed up his relationship with Meredith was. And he sees something in you he's always wanted."

"How do you know?"

"Because he told me."

I sighed, wallowing in my misery until I was distracted by the sound of my phone ringing. It rang once, stopped, then rang again.

"Excuse me, I have to get that."

I headed back to my bedroom where my phone was and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hey it's me."

Dawson.

"Hey."

"Are you okay? You sound like you're crying."

"No."

"What's going on?"

"Calum asked me to be his girlfriend tonight and I told him no."

"Why? I thought you liked him?"

"I do. But my dad called and when I told him I met someone he told me to not get more people involved than I needed to."

Dawson sighed.

"I think the sooner you realise that you can never go back to your old life, the sooner you'll realise that you have a second chance with your new one. I'm here to help you with whatever you need, but you have to get it in your head that you will never be Abby Whitfield again. Calum is never going to know about what happened or what you did, so pretend it didn't."

"I just...I don't know how I could lie to him."

"It's not a lie unless he asks you if you killed someone and you say no."

"Yeah." I said, biting harshly on my lip.

"But what I was calling to tell you is that Seth thinks he has a lead on you."

My blood curdled at the name of my brother.

"Does he know where I am?"

"No. But your father has been leaving the house more and so Seth thinks you're hiding somewhere in the city. It's hard to find you if you're right under their nose is his logic."

"How did you hear about this?"

"I've been intercepting their calls ever since you left. They're on a revenge mission, and it's making it worse that you're his sister."

"So I really can never go back."

"I'm sorry Ab- Nessa. I know that's hard."

"Thanks for calling me."

"Yeah, and I'll let you know when I learn more, but I think you should date Calum. Be happy, live the life you want. You have a second chance, don't waste it. A lot of people wish they had the opportunity you have to make a new name for yourself."

"Yeah."

"I'll call you soon."

"Okay. Bye."

I set my phone down then walked back into the main room where Kate was on her phone as well.

"Calum, you need to relax."

I stood there as she listened to whatever he was saying.

"I don't know if she wants to, I haven't asked her. But just try to calm down and i'll be there in a little bit."

She hung up and sighed then looked to see me standing there.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get you in the middle of this."

"You didn't. I put myself there." She shook her head. "Who was on the phone?"

"Dawson."

"Oh. Did you tell him?"

I nodded.

"And what did he say?"

"That I should be happy." My voice cracked as I spoke and Kate nodded in agreement. "I should- I need to talk to Calum."

"Okay."

I went back for my phone and walked into the living room as I texted him.

'Can we talk?'

I had just looked up at Kate when I felt my phone vibrate and looked to see Calum had responded.

'Yeah, i'll be there soon.'

"He said he'd talk with me."

"Yeah, he's texting me to come watch the boys."  She said as she looked down at her phone. "Okay, well i'm going to go, but when he comes over just tell him what you told me. Be honest."

"Yeah."

Kate hugged me before leaving, and when I watched her drive away the feeling of panic took over me again.

I went back to the bedroom to change into something decent and it felt like seconds later there was a knock at my door.

I took deep breaths as I walked forward, my entire body trembling, and I had to use two hands to turn the door knob I was shaking so hard.

But the door swung open to reveal a concerned and nervous looking Calum.

"Nessa." His voice came out stronger than I thought it would.

My head dropped and I bit my lip as I stared at my shoes.

"Nessa look at me."

I saw him step forward and then jumped when I felt his hand touch my arm. Another went under my chin and he lifted my head so he could see my face.

"You said no, but is that really what you want?" He whispered to me.

"No."

He then stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

"You can talk to me." He made eye contact with me, holding my blurred gaze to his.

"I'm scared."

"And you think i'm not scared?" He asked. "Nessa, it's not easy for me to let someone else in my life after my wife but when I met you I wanted to make an exception. I want you, okay? Nessa, I want you."

"I want you too." The tears kept falling.

"Then why don't we do this?"

"Because I'm not good enough for you."

He looked confused by my words.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because i'm not."

"...I think I should be able to decide that for myself. And in my eyes, from the conversations i've had with you and from what i've seen when i'm with you...you're good enough. Hell, you're more than enough."

I wiped at my cheeks.

"If you really don't want to do this then we won't, but don't say no just because you're scared."

I nodded.

"Do you need some time to think about it?" He asked me sweetly.

"No." I shook my head.

"...So...?"

"I'll say yes...but I have one condition."

"What is it?" He asked, he now looked eager.

"If it ends up that we break up because i'm not good enough then I get to say I told you so."

"That's your condition?"

I nodded.

"Okay then."

"Okay."

"So can I like hug you or kiss you or something?" He asked, his once anxious face now relaxed and a little smile was showing on his lips.

"Yes."

Calum stepped forward and his arms came around me.

"Don't cry." He whispered in my ear and I laughed, moving my arms around him in order to hug him back.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." He pressed me to him before tilting his head down and touching his lips to mine.

As Calum kissed me he seemed to patch up every hole in my breaking heart. It felt like he was gluing the pieces together that honestly hadn't been together for a long time.

When I felt myself loosing oxygen I pulled back, his face still close to mine.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" He asked me, and when he spoke his lips brushed against mine.

"Yes."

He leaned in to kiss me again and my head spun at how wonderful his lips felt against mine.

"What about you? Are you really ready?" I asked him when we parted for air.

"I'm ready." He nodded.

Calum kissed me for a few more minutes before he pulled back.

"I want you to get some rest, and then you and I can talk more tomorrow. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Alright, i'll see you in the morning. Get some sleep."

I nodded my head and he leaned in to kiss me once more before taking a step back toward the door.

There was a bright smile on his face as he walked backwards and he accidentally ran into the door, causing me to giggle. He laughed and then waved his hand before leaving.

I watched out the window as he walked to his car and when he got to his door he looked up and grinned at me, waving again before getting
in.

When he drove away I turned off my porch light and then walked back to my bedroom.

I changed clothes and then plugged my phone into its charger before laying down.

I knew I had to let go of Abby, and I was ready to do that and hold on to Nessa, and maybe Calum could help me do that.

But I had to give him all of Nessa, give him all of the new person I had created for myself, and if I did that he might be able to give me all of him in return.

And maybe I could finally start a new life.

--

Do you think Calum is really ready or will it be too soon for both of them?

How do you think Ashton will react and everyone else when Calum and Nessa break the news? Will they regret this decision or will they be just what the other needs?

More to come?

much love xx-m