Harry

Dr. Reed's office was a lot different than the typical therapist's office. A bit messy in my opinion, but it was nicer this way. Made me feel like I had different topics to talk about to avoid the real reason I was here.

"I like that picture of the car you have over there, is that a 1977 Toyota Celica GT?" He nodded. "Sick, is it yours?"

"Yes." He nodded.

"Nice." He chuckled looking down at his notes.

"Let's talk about your wife Jane for a moment?" Dr. Reed was the best my insurance can pay for. We were on our third session with each other and it had been getting better. "What is she like?"

I sat back on the couch and sighed. "She's smart, she's a teacher so she has to be. Funny, tell great jokes and can laugh at- well she's not laughing a lot anymore."

"Why?" He wrote something down. I explained to him everything about Ashton and what he did. "How does that make you feel?"

"Angry, like I want to beat his ass," I confessed. "I won't do it because I know how that ends up, me in jail, again."

"Is this Ashton behavior bringing up memories with your sister?"

"Yeah, I guess, Jane is so sensitive. It worries me you know?" He nodded. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Sure, how about your father Harry, what was he like?" I rolled my eyes. "Do you not want to talk about him?"

"What do you want to know?" I asked back.

"His name?"

"Desmond, he died when I was thirteen, maybe. I hadn't seen him since I was a kid. He'd beat my mom and us. He had no sense of humor or respect. He was drunk and-" I paused for a moment. "I promised I wouldn't be like him. I told myself that if I got married I would do it for love and not because I got a girl pregnant. I promised I wouldn't be so angry and aggressive towards people." I stopped and thought about it. "I'm exactly like him."

"What makes you think that?" Dr. Reed asked writing something down.

"He was an alcoholic, so am I. He got a girl pregnant and had to marry her and me-"

"Did you want to marry Jane?"

"I did, I wanted a family and she was giving me that. We just had a wedding, her dream wedding. She looked so happy, and I felt this feeling inside that was so warm and- I can't describe it."

"Happiness?" I nodded. "Let's backtrack a bit, how did you and Jane meet?" I told him our story. "Tell me, Harry, have you had any past relationships besides Jane?"

"I had a thing I guess with a girl named Sara. She loved me and I was a drunk who needed love. When I got out of jail it was just random hookups and one night stands." He wrote something down. I explained everything about Sara and how I got up and drove off that day. "I said I was going to drive to L.A. but I was still drunk that morning, and I got in an accident. I was staying at a shitty motel and I was outside fixing my bike when I got a job. I didn't plan on staying in town but I did."

I always got sidetracked when I spoke. I began scratching my arm. Dr. Reed watched me carefully making me stop.

"When did you decide to stop drinking?" I thought back. "Let me rephrase the question. What action led you to stop drinking? Was it the accident?"

"I got stabbed, well I got a knife pulled on me. It was January and football season. I'm at a bar drinking after work and I see this guy, yelling at his girlfriend. He hits her and I snap." I explained. "I'm leaving and he pulls out a knife and cuts me. Something just clicked that I had a problem that night when I didn't realize I was bleeding. I was so numb and empty. I quit drinking and worked all day to save money and found a room to live in. Went back to school and met my wife." He wrote something down.

"How long were you sober before you met Jane?"

"Seven months." I thought. "I broke at nine months."

"Why?" I sat up and crossed my legs thinking.

"You know I already talked about this with my old therapist." He chuckled putting his notebook aside.

"Harry sometimes backtracking helps you solve problems now. The last time you were here you had different problems. I have the notes from your old therapist. He said you discovered your fear of becoming a dad because you didn't want to end up like your own. Your fear of getting too close to people because you'd fear them leaving. Abandonment issues?" I sighed. "Does your wife know about that?" I shook my head.

"I never said anything about it. I don't have them anymore. Besides she's smart, I'm sure she's figured it out." He looked down at his notebook.

"What about your suicide attempt-"

"It wasn't a suicide attempt, I cut my arm too deep," I said defensively. He sighed looking at the time. "Have somewhere to be, doctor?" He chuckled.

"No just don't want to stop in the middle of our topic if we don't have enough time. Tell me why the cutting?" Here we go again.

"Jail is scary and I felt-" I looked down. "I felt numb, and when I scratched my arms I could feel the pain." He nodded. I paused for a minute taking a deep breath. "I lied to my wife, my mother had surgery a few months ago and I got so nervous that I-" I looked down shaking my head. "She asked me and I looked at her and said I must have done it in my sleep. I don't like to lie to her ever because she trusts me."

"Is that a bad thing?" He wrote down something.

"No, it's the most amazing feeling that she trusts me. We had an incident the other night we were in bed and, I said something so stupid and she freaked out." I looked up at the time and saw we had twenty minutes left. "I told her she was ready to go and she took that as me calling her a slut because that's what Ashton called her. She hasn't let me touch her in three weeks."

"Have you two ever thought about couples counseling?" I shook my head. "I have the number of a good one, there's no shame in a few sessions." He handed me a card. "I've had patients go and get back on track in a few weeks."

I looked down at the card and nodded. "Thanks, Dr. Reed."

*
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*

I walked into the bedroom and Jane was remaking the bed. She looked at me and smiled gently. "How was therapy?" I helped her put the fitted sheet on the bed.

"Good, really good. You haven't been telling me about your appointments." She folded the sheet over and shrugged. "You don't have to." I reminded her.

"They're good, talking through some stuff." I nodded. I looked down and pulled my wallet out and handed her the card. She looked at it and her face looked shocked. "Couples counseling?"

"I talk a lot about you and us in therapy, he said it can help us work together to get through this." She crossed her arms.

"Get through what?" She said angrily throwing a pillow on the bed.

I tried to keep my voice low. "Jane you freaked out during sex, and you haven't even let me kiss you-"

"So now I'm a bitch-"

"No one is saying that. Baby, I worry about you, something serious happened to you." I walked closer to her.

"Nothing big happened." She shook her head.

"A man grabbed at you, a man touched you without your consent. You can fix yourself and talk it out in therapy, but I need us to be okay." I pointed in between us.

"It didn't happen to you." She whispered.

"No it didn't, but when you hurt I hurt Jane. When you cry and can't sleep, when you're in pain, baby, I feel that." Tears began to fall. Her head turned away from me. "Don't you love me?"

"Of course I do." She walked up to me. "I love you with everything I have."

"And I love you more. So please do this for me so we can be okay." She looked at the card and then up at me. "Please, Jane."

She slowly lifted her arms up and wrapped them around me. I hugged her back and she sighed in relief. "Okay." She agreed.

*
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The office was a lot bigger than the other doctor. We had dropped off Daisy with Jane's parents and sat together in front of the doctor. She smiled at us and pulled out a notebook.

"So, let's get a few things in order before we get to know each other. I am not a referee, I am not here to tell you one of you is right or wrong. I am here to help you learn from each other to communicate better. Depending on your goals, alright?" We both nodded. "Alright tell me, Janine-"

"Jane." We both said at the same time. Jane smiled. "Please call me Jane."

"Alright Jane, what is it that you do?" She asked.

"I'm a teacher, first grade." She answered.

"And how old are you?"

"Twenty-eight." The therapist Dr. Joan wrote as she asked more questions to Jane.

"How long have you two been together?" Jane sighed thinking for a second.

"Six years together, four years married and we just had a wedding in August." She wrote that down.

"Alright Harry, what do you do and how old are you?" I answered her and she nodded. "Two completely different fields, how did you two meet?" We talked about how we met, about Daisy and why it took us so long to have a wedding. "You know you two are young, I usually have older couples coming in. With young couples, it's usually one of a few reasons. They married too young is usually the reason. So is there a specific reason for you two being here." I looked at Jane and she sighed.

"I began my job last year and there was a teacher, he and I became friends." She paused and looked at me.

"It's alright Jane, did you have an affair?" She tried to get an answer.

"No, he became obsessive in a way. He recently had me pinned against a wall and grabbed me inappropriately. He called me a slut, and since then I haven't been able to be with Harry." She looked at me.

"What else, there's something you're holding back?" She told her.

Jane squeezed her hands together. "I feel guilty that I didn't listen to Harry, he warned me that he was flirting. I blame myself for it because it is my fault for what happened to me." I began shaking my head but stayed quiet.

"What do you feel about that Harry?" She asked me. Jane grabbed a tissue and wiped her tears. I reached to comfort her, but she moved away.

"It's not your fault Jane, he's the one who did that. I blame myself." I looked at the doctor. "I should have warned him or said something-"

"You can't always protect me, Harry." Jane looked at me. "Harry's sister was sexually assaulted and abused when they were teens. He has this guilt that he could have saved her, and he's tried to prove it over and over. Starting fights and beating people up. He thinks that going over to this man's house and threatening to hurt him will help me when in reality it scares me that I don't know what you're capable of." There it was, the truth.

I looked down and stayed quiet. "Harry, why do you have the need to save people?" She asked.

"When I was a kid, my dad used to beat my mum up. I mean bad he'd grab her and drag her from the kitchen to the bedroom by her hair and he'd throw things at her. And I was little, I couldn't help her. When my sister was raped I couldn't help her so I did what I knew how to do and that was to fight." Jane looked at me and there was a moment of understanding.

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Jane

As October came to an end our therapy sessions had helped us so much. "Alright today's session is almost over, and I want this week to be the week you try to be physical. It doesn't need to be sex, maybe cuddling, hugging for a few minutes. How does that sound Jane." I smiled.

I missed Harry. Sure I still hesitated before holding his hand, but I missed him holding me. Therapy had helped me get my thoughts cleared up and I felt like a weight had been lifted. I just hoped my thoughts would transfer to my actions.

"Sounds nice." I held Harry's hand.

As he drove us home he listened to the radio and sang along. "Um, Phoebe and Lisa want to take Daisy for the rest of the night, bring her back later." I looked at him. "Is that okay?"

"If she wants to go, she can go." He smiled gently. I reached over and held his hand. It was different from a few weeks ago when I was having a meltdown. It was warm again, gentle, and all I want is for him to hold me.

We made it home and headed inside where Phoebe was there with Lisa and Daisy. "Hey, guys we made you dinner." I looked behind them and it was a romantic dinner for two. Of course, Phoebe knew what was going on so I wasn't surprised to see her try to help.

"Mommy, Lisa is taking us to see Disney on ice." Daisy ran up to me and hugged me. I kissed her cheek and held her close.

"That sounds like so much fun baby." I held her close to me and looked over at Harry. "Daddy and I are going to stay here, but you have fun okay." She nodded hugging both of us. She looked at us and I could tell she knew something was wrong.

"What's wrong, daddy?" I looked up at Harry who seemed distracted.

"Nothing sweetheart I'm just going to miss you." She went to give him a hug.

Phoebe walked out of the bathroom and smiled. "Alright Let's head out." I watched as they drove away, sighing as they disappeared.

I turned and Harry was walking towards the kitchen. I followed him, hunger hitting me hard. I sat down while he got out two glasses for some lemonade. He sat down next to me and smiled.

"You need to tell me something?" I asked him. He nodded taking a bite of the pasta Phoebe made. "Just tell me."

"You might be mad?" He confessed. "Promise you won't get up and leave the way I do." I nodded lifting up my pinkie. He hooked his to mine and spoke. "Do you remember when you asked about my scratches on my arm? Those, I did them on purpose." I looked down at his arm.

"Oh, why?" He sighed.

"Because I was stressed, and sad." I held his hand to let him know I wasn't mad. In fact, I was just worried if he was doing it still. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright baby, as long as you aren't doing it now right?" He nodded. "Good, I'm glad you told me."

*
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Dinner was good and afterward Harry began washing the dishes, something he knows makes me happy. He dried his hands and I went behind him putting my arms around him. He put the towel down and held my hands in his. I pressed my cheek against his back and felt normal for the most part. "Baby?" I whispered.

"Yes?" I sighed thinking about what I wanted to say but went blank.

"Do you think I'm pretty?" He chuckled.

"I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world." I smiled against his back. He took a deep breath and spoke after a few minutes. "You know Daisy turns five in a few weeks." I nodded.

"Yeah, she's growing up too fast." Our conversation stayed on Daisy and what she might want for her birthday. She wasn't one to ask for new toys. She'd ask for new markers or puzzles.

Our conversation changed to his work, what he had been working on. I was quiet at work except around Amy and obviously my students. When Ashton was fired, the principal told us it was best to keep quiet about it since his son still went there. So in return teachers thought he was just fired from budget cuts or something.

"Tell me something I don't know about you?" He said after a while. He sat on one side of the couch, while I sat on the other. He held my hand in his as we thumb wrestled. "What was your tenth birthday like?"

I thought back to it. "I remember there was this kid named Max who was so cool, he had these little skateboards like tech decks that weren't allowed in class and he would use them. Well for my tenth birthday I invited him to my birthday party and he showed up and he gave me his favorite skateboard." Harry chuckled. "I had it until middle school when he got his first girlfriend. I was so heartbroken that I threw it out."

"First heartbreak?" I nodded.

"Aha! I won!" I pinned Harry's thumb down with mine.

"Cheater." He huffed. "My first heartbreak was my old babysitter Rachel. When my mum worked two jobs, Rachel would come over and watch Gemma and me. She was eighteen and I was eight, and one day she brought over her boyfriend and he was so nice and I hated him." I giggled.

"What did she look like?" I asked.

"Dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, huge ti- smile." I looked at him and giggled.

"Tits?" I asked making him blush. "How big?"

He thought back. "Bigger than yours." I gasped. "Well I was younger so, maybe they were the same size. She wasn't as pretty as you though. She was like a pretty with makeup kind of girl and you look beautiful with or without." I nodded.

We stopped our conversation for a minute and I looked up as he played with my hands. I gulped trying to reach out and touch him more, but my mind wasn't letting me.

"I think I want to go read for a while." I pulled my hand away from him and stood up. He looked disappointed but agreed. He turned the t.v. on and sat back on the couch. I walked to the room and picked up the Catcher in the Rye.

Something about Holden Caulfield's depression relates to me.

I walked back into the living room to get my blanket and noticed Harry had his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" He quickly wiped his tears away and looked away.

"Yeah, why?" I walked around the couch to him holding my book. I gave him a look wiping away his tears. "I'm fine." He looked down at the book. "Reading it again?" I nodded.

The couples therapy doctor words came back to me. Intimacy doesn't need to be sex. "Can I sit here with you and read?" He looked up and nodded turning off the tv. I sat close to him and pulled the blanket over us. I laid in the space between his arm and ribs. I opened the book to the first page as he leaned his head against mine.

"Read to me?" He asked putting his arms around me.

*
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*

We must have dozed off while reading because the next thing I know I'm opening my eyes to the doorbell ringing.

I stood up carefully not to wake up Harry, who was peacefully sleeping on the couch. When I opened the door my stomach dropped at the sight of Ashton's wife.

"Emma, hi, come in." She walked in and I walked her towards the kitchen so Harry couldn't hear us. She took a seat at the table and sighed. "What's up?"

"Ashton told me everything." She said crossing her arms. "So I came here to hear your side of the story." I nodded taking a seat.

"I am so sorry that I had to get him fired, I asked him to stay away from me and then he attacked me-"

"Wait, what?" She looked shocked. "Ashton said that you and he were, doing things." I blinked shaking my head.

"What?! Is he insane, Emma your husband tried to kiss me last year, grabbed my arm and ass calling me a slut. Because of him, I haven't been able to even kiss my husband because all I can picture is him threatening me!" Emma looked shocked. "If you came here to confront the other woman, you are sadly mistaken." She looked down and began to cry.

"So he lied to me again." She looked so embarrassed. "Oh my god." She covered her face. I didn't want to make it worse but I knew she needed to know the truth. I grabbed my bag and pulled out all the screenshots of texts he had sent Amy.

"Emma, he's been doing this for year's." She read the messages and set them down. "I'm sorry, but he's not the victim here. We are." She nodded slowly holding the papers in her hand.

"I don't know what to do now, Ashton may be a teacher but he's all I have when it comes to money or family. He and my son, and I just can't leave him." I sat beside her. "Would you forgive Harry, if he did this?" I looked down and sighed.

"No, I wouldn't, I would leave him. Even if it hurt me, and I cried and he begged me to stay I wouldn't because in my opinion cheating is- there is no coming back from that. It's the one thing I can think of that I would never forgive." I handed her a tissue. "Emma, you are smart, young, and pretty. You deserve more than this." She nodded slowly.

"Thanks, but it doesn't make any sense, we were planning on having another baby next year. He told me he loved me, and to know that he's been hurting me like this is-"

"I know, I'm sorry." I looked around. "Can I make you some tea or coffee?" She sniffled standing up.

"I should go-" I stopped her.

"I have a rule, I don't let people leave upset. Please sit down I'll make you some tea and we can chat." She looked at me and nodded sitting down.

*
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*

About three days later I went to the doctor with Harry to check on his shoulder again. It had been bothering him so he wanted me to check it out.

Daisy sat with me in the waiting room coloring in her notebook. Harry wrote down the reason for his visit while I watched Daisy color. "Are you drawing a butterfly, like daddy's stomach?" She nodded.

"Yes, his name is bob." I giggled. "He's happy."

"That's good." She nodded. "Can I show daddy to calm him down, he's nervous about the doctor." She nodded handing me the notebook. I turned to Harry and poked his arm. He looked and I showed it to him. He looked at it and just nodded his head looking back at the paper. "Your daughter drew it."

"It's nice." He mumbled standing to take the form to the front desk. I looked down at Daisy and handed the notebook to her. When he came back he held his phone texting someone. I looked over his shoulder. He quickly shut the phone off crossing his arms.

"Who are you texting?" I asked curiously.

"No one." He shrugged.

We were fine the past two days and then something shifted this morning when he came back from the store. He seemed on edge about something but didn't tell me why. Coming to the doctor was no help, he hated the doctor.

"Alright then," I said. "I see you texting someone, and if you don't want to tell me, that's fine." I crossed my legs and looked over at Daisy again.

"It's not your business who I'm texting. You do it all the time." He said under his breath.

The nurse came out and called his name. He stood looking at me to follow him, but all I did was ignore him. He huffed walking in.

About forty-five minutes passed when he walked out with a few papers. He walked up to us and looked at Daisy. "Come on angel, let's go get ice cream." Daisy cheered grabbing his hand.

As he said thank you to the nurse in front I reached for his hand, but he walked ahead of me.

He put Daisy in the car and got in turning it on. I sat quietly beside him looking out the window. I was trying my hardest not to be emotional, lately, that's been my biggest problem. I took deep breaths listening to Harry sing along to the radio with Daisy.

He stopped at a light and I could feel him looking over at me. "Daddy can we go to the place with the toppings, mommy likes gummy bears in her ice cream," Daisy said from the back seat.

"No toots were going to my favorite place." He told her. I stayed quiet looking out the window as we drove towards the ice cream. When we parked I got out of the car and helped Daisy down. She held my hand and Harry's.

"Daddy, why don't you hold mommy's hand?" I wanted to ask him the same thing.

"Because I'm holding your hand." He shrugged. My smart girl walked over to his other hand and told him he could hold my hand now. He just ignored it and walked in. I took a deep breath and let the rejection sink in. After we got ice cream he carried her to the car and we drove home.

*
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*

Later that night after Daisy went to bed Harry sat in the kitchen table working on a project. After almost two months I was finally in the mood for sex, thinking about it had finally put me in a good mood and of course, it was the day Harry was in a bad mood.

I put on one of my little nightdresses and had my hair down. I walked in and stood there, he had his headphones in and his back to me. I walked in to get water and turned to see him still drawing something.

Standing in front of him I waited until he finally looked up. He pulled the headphones off and looked at me to say something. "Are you coming to bed?"

"Later, I'm busy." He looked back down putting the earbuds in. I stood there feeling rejected again. He looked up and took them off again. "Did you need something?"

"A goodnight kiss?" He sighed like it was a chore. He stood up and leaned down to kiss my cheek.

"Night." He sat down again and that's when the tears broke. I turned to the bedroom and went to lay down. I shut everything off and laid there in the dark room.

After almost an hour I heard the door open, there were some footsteps, then the bathroom light turned on. He took a shower and when he got out he walked over to the bed. I felt the bed dip and then a sigh as he laid down. I didn't move for a while.

When I did I rolled over slowly and could feel his back to me. I scooted closer and put an arm around him. "Harry?"

"What?" He said in a sleepy voice.

"Are you mad at me?" There was silence for a while. I eventually got the hint and pulled my arm back, scooting away from him. "I love you, I don't know what I did to make you mad at me, but I'm sorry." My voice broke so I quickly turned over.

*
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Harry

All I had to do was pick up some pancake mix for breakfast. As I walked towards the only open check out line I rolled my eyes at who was in line.

"Fucking hell." I took a deep breath and stood behind him. He looked back at me and gave me a look.

"Harry." He said casually.

"Fuck face."

"Real mature of you, a grown man calling another grown man names." Ashton paid for his shit and walked away.

I paid for my stuff and walked out to my car. I heard footsteps behind me and turned to see him there again.

"Get the fuck away from me, or I will kill you." He stepped back a few feet.

"I'm here to apologize what happened between Jane and me-"

"Shut the fuck up! Nothing happened, you psycho!" He pulled his phone out and scrolled through his phone.

"Then why did Jane send me these texts?" He lifted his phone and I took them.

Jane: I told Penelope about what happened. It can never happen again.

Jane: I can't help the way I feel, but I'm married.

Jane: you need to stop calling me when my husband is around.

I looked at the other messages days apart. It was Jane's number, all during school hours when I wasn't around. I shook my head slowly.

"Don't believe everything Harry, I finally tell her our little affair is done and she goes and gets me fired." He shrugged turning around leaving me shocked.

Could Jane really have cheated on me?

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*Edit *( I know I'm sorry)
Thanks for reading.

-k