Aunt Tia is the kind of person who decides in the middle of the winter to go pearl-fishing in the muddy river that flows through the dump of a village where she lives. Or to hunt gnomes in the moorland and bemoan afterwards that we didn't catch anything. I don't even believe in gnomes and I'm ten. She is at least a hundred! I don't get why they didn't bring her to the madhouse yet. Still, every year, mum and dad think it's a good idea to drop me off at her house when the two of them go on a trip. Even though she's not my real aunt. She's not even the aunt of mum or dad! Why couldn't I go to grandma and grandpa or uncle Gert or with Wout to Spain? His mum and dad said I could.

"Be good, hey, Jonas? Don't let us hear any complaints when we're back."

"That won't be a problem. I will let him clear up the attic or something. My old bones can't handle that anymore." Old bones, sure. She can probably defeat me in less than five  minutes with some karate thingy. Last time, she said she got her black belt within one week. I don't know if that's possible, but I don't want to experience it. She's already scary enough.

"Very well. Bye, aunt Tia. See you in a week, Jonas." Mum and dad each squeeze me in a hug and give me a wet kiss on my cheek.

***

"Jonas? Where are you? I've got a plan!" It's happening. I shut my comic. It wasn't interesting anyway, but what else should you do without a computer or TV?

"Here!"

"Come to the kitchen! We have to prepare a backpack. We're going on a pilgrimage!"

I stumble down the stairs. "Pilgrimage?"

"Yes. You are in urgent need of reflection and I want to see a miracle." Crazy, I tell you. Who still believes in miracles? But there's no way to convince her of that, so I start to make sandwiches. I'd better do the same for her because if she has plans, she usually runs around the house for half an hour while she shouts what I should do, but she doesn't do anything herself.

***

An hour later, we're finally ready to leave.

"Where are we going on pilgrimage, aunt Tia?"

"Where? Where the wind takes us, boy. Where the wind takes us." I sigh. This will be a long day. Or week.

The dirt road from aunt Tia's house to the main road climbs. Halfway, she starts to puff. I look back, but I don't dare ask her if she needs help because then she'll likely insult me. When we're up, she gasps for five seconds, looks around just as long, and marches with large steps towards the village. I run after her. She stops at a small church from those great grey blocks of stone.

"We're here."

"Already?"

"Can't you see that we're at a church? Or can brats nowadays not even recognise a church anymore? This, my dear church - uh, boy - is the church of Saint Apollonia."

"Saint what? I only know Santa Claus and he doesn't exist; mum and dad told me that."

"Shame. Those parents nowadays ... Come, we're going in." She pushes against a wooden door that looks black and rotten. The door handle is completely rusted. Inside, the only light comes from a small window at the front and one at the back, and at least ten candles near the table at the front. Aunt Tia walks straight to the table and points at a glass case under it. In it, there's a small golden box with a little window in it. "That's the tooth of Saint Apollonia. Beautiful, right?"

I turn up my nose. That tooth barely looks like a tooth, it's so dirty. It could even be a perfectly normal stone or something someone dug up on the cemetery.

"Come, we'll take it with us."

"Take it with us? Is that allowed?"

"Don't be a chicken or a goody-two-shoes now, when I know you aren't. I lost my false teeth and you are losing your teeth for sure, so we can use some teeth luck. Besides, I bet the little door is open." She walks to the back of the table - or whatever it is, I don't know the right word - and pulls at a kind of lever. And indeed, the door opens and she can pick up the golden box without problems.

"This will bring us lifelong luck and cause miracles."

"A tooth? What can that do? Isn't it just a tooth from someone who's long dead? And how do they know it's really hers?"

"You should just believe that sort of things if people who know better tell you that. We're going home."

"Already? And our pilgrimage?"

"This was enough pilgrimage for today. I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow we can continue. Or next year."

***

"A MIRACLE!" Aunt Tia screams so loudly that dust whirls down from the ceiling and the floor trembles. I run off the stairs two at a time.

"Which miracle? What happened?"

"I was polishing the box while I was wishing that I'd find back my dentures, and then I suddenly saw them lying next to the vase. It's truly a miracle! The pope should know this."

"And you're sure that you didn't just put your dentures there?"

"You don't believe me, boy?"

"Of course I do. I mean ... It just doesn't seem such a big miracle and stuff."

"Big things start small. Continue doing what you were doing. I'll keep an eye on the tooth. Our little miracle machine. No, even better! We've been mistaken for centuries. It's no philosophers' stone, but a philosopher's tooth!" I sigh and go back to reading the fifth comic of the day already. If I continue like this, I'll be through all aunt Tia's comics in half a week.

***

"A DISASTER!" This time I'm sure that even the spiders flee into the wall because of aunt Tia's screaming. I almost trip over my feet when I thunder off the stairs.

"What's wrong?"

"I was polishing the box again and then I saw that my late grandfather's watch isn't on the sideboard anymore. We have been cursed because we stole a relic from a church!"

"And you're sure that you didn't just put the watch elsewhere?"

"Shut up, you infidel, before you bring even more disasters upon us."

***

"EEEEE!" The shriek is so icy that my bones suddenly seem less solid. This time aunt Tia is in her own bedroom. I knock on the door.

"What's wrong? Can I come in?"

"Yes!" On the floor lies a bowl in three pieces. "Look! I was just dusting off and suddenly that bowl shatters on the ground. I've done that thousands of times and never had something happen and all of a sudden ... We have been cursed, I knew it! Come, we're bringing the tooth back immediately." Aunt Tia stumbles off the stairs, grabs the box and her coat and storms out the door. Outside, she walks so fast that I'm struggling to follow. I'm sure that we're going twice as fast as the first time.

The church is still just as dark and silent. The little glass door stands ajar. Aunt Tia puts the box back like it was and closes the little door. She furiously wipes off her hands on her coat. "Let's get out of here. I don't feel safe, with that eerie tooth. As if every moment, a shark head can appear to crush you between its teeth." I don't say that we're not by or in the sea and in any case, there are no sharks in our sea.

***

When we're back, she enters the kitchen to cook.

"My late grandfather's watch! I told you! The tooth is gone, so the curse is too! I don't get why they ever invented that philosopher's tooth." I sigh. I hope that mum and dad are back soon. Philosophers' tooth all well and good, but aunt Tia's certainly not right in the head.

***

Author's Note: This is the translation of a story I wrote in Dutch a few years ago for my writing club. The prompt was that the title had to include the words "tooth" and "aunt" (since they sound alike in Dutch, i.e. "tand" and "tante"). I had a lot of fun writing these characters and one day I will write more adventures for Jonas and aunt Tia (involving a saber-toothed tiger's toe). I love to be silly from time to time and this was the perfect story for some puns. And of course, aunt Tia is a badass aroace woman. (I know it's not very explicit in the text and I thought about ways to make it more explicit, but it's kinda hard in a story where it's not the focus and told from a child's point of view.)