"Nagkakamali ka yata ng kinakausap. Am I really your babe?" matigas kong sabi bago ko siya tinalikuran.

Napabuga ako. Valid namang mainis ako, hindi ba? I can't help it. Selosa na kung selosa, but how can I not be jealous of them? Alam kong hindi ko 'to dapat maramdaman dahil baka naman noon pa nangyari iyon, noong hindi pa kami magkakilala ni Ismael, but why do I feel this way? Mas naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil sa ikinikilos ko.

"Jothea! You're leaving me again!" inis niyang sigaw na nagpatigil sa paglakad ko. Napansin kong pinagtinginan din siya ng ibang mga taong nakarinig. Hindi lang siya, kundi pati ako. I was so full of thoughts that I forgot to walk slowly. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung saan ako pupunta. Ang gusto ko lang ay makalayo at makatakas dahil nasasaktan ako. Kanina lang ay ayos kami, pero dahil sa babaeng iyon, nagkakaganito ako.

Naramdaman kong naglakad siya patungo sa akin, kaya hinintay ko siyang masabayan ako. "What's wrong? Are you offended by how I acted earlier? I'm sorry," wika niya.

Hindi ako sumagot kung hindi ay ipinagpatuloy lang ang paglakad. "Don't give me a silent treatment, 'cause I won't know what I did wrong if you never tell me."

I exhaled before I met his glance. "Nothing. I'm just tired."

Tiningnan niya ako nang makahulugan bago niya kinagat ang labi niya na para bang nagtitimpi. "Let's talk at home."

Kinuha niya ang paper bags na hawak ko at siya ang nagbuhat ng lahat ng iyon. Agad naman akong nakunsensya sa inakto ko kanina. I feel like it's me who's in the wrong.

Sumakay na kami sa mamahaling sasakyan na maghahatid sa amin pabalik sa hotel kung saan kami mag-i-stay for the whole week. Isang araw pa nga lang kami rito ay para nang sinusubok ang relasyon naming dalawa. Mali, ako lang pala ang sinusubok, particularly ang pasensya ko. At hindi ko maiwasang balikan ang mga tanong sa akin ni Danjer kanina pati na rin ang naging sagot ko.

Is this because of my age? That's why this is how I act every time.

Bumaba na kami sa sasakyan at para bang kumalma na ako. Naroon si Ismael sa likod ng kotse at ibinababa ang mga designer bags na may lamang gamit na ibinili niya sa akin. Sinundot-sundot ko ang tagiliran niya para pansinin niya ako.

"Hold on, Jothea."

Ramdam ko ang pagkirot ng puso ko dahil sa pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko.

Napahawak ako sa damit niya, kaya naman napatingin siya sa akin. Nakayuko ako nang magsalita, "Sorry."

I heard him exhale. "Wait until we get into our room."

I nodded as I let him bring all the bags to our room. Hindi niya ako pinaghawak kahit isang magaan na bag, siya ang bumuhat lahat kahit na inaalok na kami ng bellboy na tulungan kami. Ayos lang daw dahil magaan lang. Eh, kita ko nga sa braso niya 'yong naglalabasan niyang ugat dahil sa bigat. Ang dami niya kayang ibinili para sa akin.

Ibinaba niya ang lahat ng designer bags sa sahig nang makarating na kami sa kwarto namin.

"Now let's talk." Umupo siya sa couch at pinagmasdan ako. "Sit."

Papaupo na ako sa tapat niyang upuan nang muli siyang magsalita. "Not there, woman."

I gulped. "Where?"

"You know where." He spread his legs before lying back on the couch.

Bumigat ang paghinga ko dahil sa kaba, pero ang tanging nagawa ko lang ay sundin siya. Naglakad ako papunta sa kaniya at umupo sa kaniyang kandungan.

"Good girl," he whispered. "Now, what seems to be the problem, my love?"

His breath was airy. It was as if an alcoholic drink made me feel drunk just by listening to his seductive voice.

Umiling ako at napayuko sa hiya. After some time, I realized the problem was in me because of jealousy. I always act like this when I feel envious.

"Tell me, 'cause I'm about to use some force for you to be honest with me."

Napatingin ako sa kaniya at mukhang nabasa niya mula sa mga mata ko na hindi ko aaminin ang dahilan. I felt his hand under my dress, and because of that, my breathing became shallower. My chest tightens in anticipation.

"Last warning."

Bakas ang inis sa tono niya. Nakakunot ang noo niya na para bang seryosong seryoso siyang malaman ang problema ko dahil hindi siya matatahimik nito.

"You're so hardheaded." Naramdaman ko ang kamay niyang bumalandra sa loob ng underwear ko, and the next thing was that his finger was playing against my clitoris.

"S-stop it, Ismael," nanghihina kong wika habang pinipigilan ang kamay niya. Nakatungo na rin ang ulo ko sa balikat niya.

"No. I am mad now. You never learn to admit things. You're always like this. You're making me look so stupid."

He inserted a finger, causing me to groan. "N-not yet, Ismael. It's painful." Pinilit niya kasing pasukin ang loob ko kahit na hindi pa ito ganoon kabasa.

"You know what's painful? It was after you said that I was your air, but later on, you made me feel like I was literally an air," may bahid ng inis ang mga salita niya. "Jothea, I always try to understand you and give you time because I know you need it, but please don't make me feel like you are always going to leave me. You know I can't make it without you."

Siya naman ang napayuko. Maging ang kamay niya'y tumigil sa kaniyang ginagawa. "Hindi ako manghuhula para malaman ang ikinagagalit mo. I want you to tell me so I can fix it."

Tumulo ang luha ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Pakiramdam ko, napagtalunan na namin ito noon, pero dahil matigas ang ulo ko, nagawa ko na naman. Napapikit na lang ako. I am so disappointed with myself again. Napatutunayan ko tuloy na hindi ako karapatdapat sa kaniya. How can a man be like this just because of me?

Inalis niya ang kamay niya mula sa ilalim ng dress ko. "Tayo ka na. Let's just talk when you're ready," mahinahon niyang bulong na pakiramdam ko'y may bahid ng pagtatampo. "I'll just get you food for dinner."

Binuhat niya ako at inupo sa tabi niya. Tumayo siya at akmang aalis nang magsalita ako. "I was jealous," nakapikit kong sambit.

"Jealous of what?"

Unti-unti kong iniangat ang ulo ko para tagpuin ang mga mata niya. Nakatayo siya sa harapan ko.

Hindi ako agad nakapagsalita.

"Tell me," wika niya. "Tell me what I did to make you feel jealous."

Umiling ako. "I realized it is not something you did. I'm sorry. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I was jealous of that woman who saw you earlier."

Silence enveloped us. Kahit si Ismael ay para bang hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi ko. Hindi niya siguro alam na nakita ko sila.

"What are you jealous of?"

"It is something ridiculous, Ismael. I shouldn't have felt this way. You already told me before that you're good in bed and in flirting; at hindi na bago sa akin ang katotohanang may nakasiping ka nang ibang babae bukod sa akin. But I suddenly felt jealous because of that—the fact that you met that woman you have been spending the nights with again."

I heard him exhale. Umupo siya sa harapan ko. He was keeping his silence so I took the chance to say everything that bothers me, 'cause I know that's what he wanted. I bit my lip as I opened my mouth again. "I was rejecting you for wearing that lingerie and I felt suddenly scared and pressured, thinking that you might ask somebody else to do that, especially now that you met her again. She might do it for you even if you don't ask for it."

"You, tiny little thing." He pinched my cheek. "That never crossed my mind. Do you not trust me? Why do you keep having such thoughts? I always assure you that I love you, don't I?"

Tumango ako. "You did, but every time something like this happens, I turn out to act like this. I am sorry. I don't even understand myself. I was silent and trying to fix it by myself because it is not you-problem, it is mine. I don't want you to get tired of me so I was trying to solve the issue within me."

"Nakatulong ba?" Nag-indian sit siya sa harapan ko. "Why would you solve it yourself when I am here? You know that I will always understand you. And just like what you wanted before, I am trying my best to tell everything to you because I don't want you to feel neglected. Can you do the same? Can we agree to be upfront every now and then so we can avoid this kind of issue? I don't want you to feel bad and dwell on the problems we can talk about and solve easily. We need open communication so we can understand each other."

My lips curled downward. I am on the verge of crying but I want to suppress it because I don't want him to see me crying in every argument. I want to be strong, just like him. I want to be considerate, just like he does for me.

I nodded while ruffling my dress in shame.

"Chin up. Don't feel ashamed about it. This kind of argument is normal in a relationship because we're trying to learn from and understand each other. Don't feel bad, okay?" Hinaplos niya ang mukha ko. "Step by step. You'll get there eventually. Both of us."

Lumuhod siya para halikan ang noo ko. "This brain needs some nutrients because you always tend to forget everything," bulong niya bago ako niyakap. "Also, the woman that we met earlier is Genevieve, she's a florist and a perfumer here in France. I helped her before when she was young and starting her business."

Napalayo naman ako sa kaniya. "What? Is she talking about literally flowers that need to be gardened?"

"Yeah?"

"Then, why would she kiss your cheeks?"

"Because it is how the French greet everyone?"

Napanganga ako. "Why would she call you babe, then?"

"Natawa siya at hinawakan ang kamay ko. "Baby, she's gay. She calls everyone like that."

"What? There's no way, Ismael!"

"Yes way, baby. I'm telling the truth."

"Then, does it mean I don't really have a valid reason to be jealous?"

"Yeah?" Fuck. Kaya pala hiwagang-hiwaga siya kung bakit bigla akong nagkatopak kanina. Shit. This is so embarrassing! I got jealous of someone who has no pussy! I was deceived because she has bigger boobs than mine. I was drowning in jealousy and felt a big insecurity that, first of all, I didn't have any reason to have.

I stood up. I have no face at all to appear in front of Ismael. I made a terrible mistake again because of my stupidity.

"Where are you going?" tanong niya.

"Let me go to the shower room. I need some one-on-one interviews with myself. Let me reflect on what I did."

Tinawanan niya naman ako. "Alright. Take your time. I'll get our dinner, so make sure you finish before the food gets cold."

Nagdere-deretso na ako sa banyo, upang kausapin ang sarili ko sa salamin. I took off my clothes and saw my reflection in the mirror. I saw how much marks scared my body because of Ismael's kisses—a big proof that he's really into me. When the man I am in a relationship with is head over heels for me, why on earth am I feeling insecure? Why don't I have such confidence?

I decided to take a shower. I suddenly remembered something I bought earlier. I don't know what comes to mind when I decide to wear it.

I was observing myself in the mirror wearing that fucking laced lingerie that Ismael was wondering about how it would look on me. Wearing it makes me realize that I have such a good body. Hindi ko na maitatanggi kung bakit iba ang tama ng katawan ko kay Ismael. Even if I don't have healthy boobies and ass, the curves on my body can make any man drool.

Ngayon ko lang napagtanto, siguro'y dahil ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng oras na pagmasdan ang katawan ko nang ganito katagal. I had been neglecting myself and my health because Ismael had been away from me for several months, and I had become engrossed in my work. Kaya ganoon na lang din kalaki ang ipinayat ko, pero mabuti ngayon nagkakaroon na ng laman dahil sa dami ng kinakain ko.

I went out of the shower room to get my blower, which I forgot to bring when the main door suddenly opened.

Napalingon ako roon at nakita ko si Ismael sa may pintuan na may dalang bags ng pagkain. "Did you order some food?" tanong ko.

"I did, but I should have ordered you for dinner instead. You're fucking gorgeous, Jothea," matigas niyang sambit habang nakatingin sa katawan ko, at doon ko lang muling naalala na naka-lingerie nga pala ako. I was so in deep thought, planning to get the blower, that I forgot what I was wearing now.

"Oh, fuck!" Agad akong bumalik sa banyo para kunin ang bathrobe nang hulihin ako ni Ismael. Naibaba niya na rin ang bag na dala niya, kaya naman nayakap niya akong kaagad.

"What are you doing, showing me your ass like that?"