Fair
As cliche as it sounded, a chapter of my life closed the evening of graduation. Between my final kiss with Jimin, the turn of our tassels, and the last gathering of our class that night, I felt resolved. The only things I planned to take into the next were lessons learned and Hobi.
When it was all over I met Hobi outside of my window, sitting down to talk about the summer after he insisted we make our last summer in our hometown one dedicated to all the things we loved.
He started with the suggestion that we have ice cream every day. I initially protested, sure that while he would stay lean, it would stick right to my waistline.
"Then I will teach you to dance to cancel it out. I want to work on partnered dancing and you might need to know how to waltz one day." He countered.
"And you think the waltz will cancel out daily ice cream consumption?" I laughed, rolling my eyes at him.
He stood, his feet and hips moving in a rhythm I recognized. "No, but once we learn bachata and if I can get you to try out swing, we'll burn it off easily." He replied.
I laughed as he danced a little more. "We can't forget the county fair." I clicked my pen, scribbling in the notebook that sat in my lap, adding to the little bucket list we were putting together.
"We'll have to dance extra after that because I'm going to stuff you with fried food." He did a spin before sitting back down.
"I actually can't wait for that, as long as you ride the Ferris wheel with me." I responded.
His eyes immediately widened, my laugh at his continued fear of heights echoing into the night. "I don't think I can." He gulped.
"Hobi, we go to the fair together every year and I've never had the chance to ride the Ferris wheel because you're too scared." I thought of a proposition. "If you ride with me then I'll learn to swing dance with you."
He seemed to be thinking for a moment before agreeing, and we spent the rest of the night mapping out a movie schedule that included a couple of new releases and some of our old time favorites.
By the beginning of July when the fair rolled around I'd made a final decision to attend Columbia University after getting off the waitlist and Hobi was set to attend NYU. We sported t-shirts with our university names on them to the fair, with a sheet of tickets and map with circled food vendors in tow.
We stopped first for corn dogs and street corn, our stomachs feeling like they would burst after the turkey leg we shared and devouring some concoction that was an egg roll stuffed with the meat and sides to complete a full meal. We played a few games together, Hobi's face red with embarrassment as the attendant handed over the small stuffed duck he won for me after his assurance that he would win the giant one hanging from the top of the booth. I beat him at water shooting five times before he finally won, the victory dance he put on enough to convince me to let him win one more time.
I stopped by the bathroom after guzzling a giant cup of strawberry lemonade, hearing a familiar voice just as I was about to step out of the stall.
"So are they together now?" I didn't recognize the first voice, putting together that it was a friend of Gabby's once hers chimed in.
"He says they're not, but I'm sure the slut's working on it. She always wanted Hobi when we were together, even when she was with Jimin." She answered. I peeked through a crack in the door to see them approaching the mirrors, picking through their hair and reapplying their makeup. "I just hope he's not desperate enough after I dumped him to get with her. I'm sure she'll just jump to the next one once she's at Columbia."
The other two girls laughed, one of them piping up. "Someone needs to put her in her place."
Gabby chuckled. "Believe me, I would—" She started, but I'd already been stewing too long, going through multiple options in my head. My first option involved kicking her ass as soon as I walked out of the door, but I decided to remain civil, going with the second.
Their heads turned toward me when I came out of the bathroom, walking calmly over to the sink to wash my hands. While I scrubbed I assessed their expressions through the mirror, shocked and silent that I'd been listening.
I grabbed a paper towel, moving so that I stood right in front of Gabby as I dried my hands. "I'm waiting. You were saying something about putting me in my place." I shrugged.
She turned her nose up at me, staying quiet as she looked me up and down. "You know Gabby, Hobi and I aren't together and we won't be. Both of us could tell you that all day, but it doesn't matter. You'll always be too insecure and intimidated to believe it. I'm okay with that though, because even if I'm a slut, and even if he's desperate, neither of us will ever be as sad as the girl who has to talk about other people to make herself feel better."
I dropped my paper towel in the trash can, Hobi waiting for me at the side of the building. "I know we ate a lot but I didn't think you'd take that long in the bathroom." He taunted as I slapped his arm, brushing off the bathroom incident. I stayed close to him while he continued on our walk through the fair, laughing when I noticed him slow down as we got closer to the Ferris wheel, suddenly distracted by every game and trinket he could find.
"Come on, we should get on while the line isn't too long." I grabbed his arm, tugging him in the direction of the ride.
He was resisting, making me drag more of his weight than he normally would have. I stopped at the back of the line, only a few people in front of us. "Don't make me do this." He whined.
"We had a deal, plus you owe me remember." I raised a brow at him as we took a step forward in line.
His furrowed. "Owe you for what?" He asked, taking another step so that we were right in front of the metal stairs that led onto the ride.
We took a couple of steps up to the platform where we'd be seated. "We've been friends for most of our lives. I'm sure you owe me for something." I giggled, my intention to distract him until we were on the ride working as we came up next in the queue.
Hobi grumbled as I handed over two tickets, stepping into the pod and taking a seat at the farthest end. He got in behind me, yelping when it started to rock a little with his weight. I grabbed his hand, biting my lip to hold back my laughter as he sat next to me.
"Don't move. Don't even breathe." Hobi uttered. I squeezed his hand, his eyes closing as the wheel turned so the next riders could board. "I said don't move." He reiterated, even the tightening of my hand in his being too much.
There were only a couple of seats left to fill after ours, the ride starting off slowly. Hobi immediately shut his eyes as tight as he could, a grimace on his face that made me cover my mouth to keep from laughing. When we reached the top of the loop, going back down I looked out at the view of the fair, packed with people and the sun just starting to set.
I paid attention to the orange and purple hues in the sky while we went around a few more times. We were halfway to the top of the wheel when the attendant started to let off the passengers, Hobi's eyes still closed but his face more relaxed as he got used to the feeling of being in the air.
"Hobi, just open your eyes for a second. It's such an amazing view." I urged him.
He flashed them open for a second, shutting them again as fast as he could. "There I looked."
"Then just look at me, but open your eyes. I promise I'll never make you get on a ride again." I negotiated just as we stopped at the top of the wheel. Hobi turned his head to the right, opening his eyes again and keeping them set on mine.
I started to laugh in the same way I always did when he was afraid of the scary movies we loved or whenever a bug got on him while we sat outside. "You're still a punk." I teased, watching his gaze relax a little.
He wouldn't dare let his eyes leave mine to get a peek at the skyline, leaning over and sealing his lips over mine in an interruption to my laughter. The forever flaming campfire inside of me grew a little bigger until he pulled away, gripping the swaying pod in fear as we started to move down on the ride again.
I sighed, trying to shake away the kindling inside of me, thoughts about the harsh reality of our situation backing the feeling. "Why would you do that?" I turned to him as we were lowered one more notch.
"I'm sorry Sel, I got caught up in the moment." His eyes filled with worry at my response.
"Well you can't do that, Hobe." I stood as we were lowered to the point where we could get off of the ride, crossing over him to step down from the pod before he could. I needed to put distance between us, afraid that if I didn't I would succumb and kiss him again. I maneuvered my way past people as he followed me down the metal ramp and back into the crowd. "I need to get out of here and clear my head. I'm going to walk home."
He reached for my arm, keeping me from getting ahead of him. "I'll drive you."
I pulled away from him, maintaining my pace and excusing myself when I bumped into someone's shoulder. "I need to be away from you right now. Just let me walk." I reiterated, starting to move through the grounds, heading for the exit.
"Not together my ass, slut." Gabby rolled her eyes as I passed her, standing by the kissing booth with her minions.
It took everything in me not to act out of my already intense emotion, my fist clenched at my side as I kept walking, out into the parking lot and through the mess of cars to the street.
"Go away, go away." I repeated to myself, trying to get my feelings for him to go back to the level I'd become comfortable with, that I could bear. I tried to use imagery as I walked, picturing myself putting out the flame with water, but no matter how many times I poured the bucket over it, the fire remained strong.
My legs started to feel sore twenty minutes into the walk, after having carried me through the fair all day. I stopped to rest, calculating that it would take me around thirty more minutes to get home.
I sat on a boulder away from the road and noticed Hobi's car coming up the street after a moment, pulling to the side when he spotted me. He got out, coming to stand in front of me.
"Sel, come get in the car." He sighed, reaching out a hand. "Let me drive you home and I'll leave you alone."
I stood, walking past him to slide into the passenger's seat without a word. He stood there a moment longer before joining me, checking for oncoming cars and pulling back onto the road.
He broke the silence. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you." He didn't sound completely sure of his apology.
"You said that already." I closed my eyes, leaning my head against the window and swiping away the tear that slid down my cheek.
"I know, I just don't want you to be mad at me." He gripped the steering wheel a little tighter.
After looking over at him and seeing the pained look in his eyes, I knew I needed to explain. "I'm not mad at you Hobe. I'm mad at the entire situation. All I want is to be with you, but I can't because there's apparently going to be some other guy who comes along and I can't risk hurting you. The reasons you never told me how you felt about me are the same reasons we can't go there now. And you can't kiss me because every time you do the feelings just get stronger and it's taking everything in me—"
"I know." He cut me off, his hand slamming against the steering wheel in frustration while I cried.
He parked by the sidewalk in front of my house, reaching into the backseat. "You left this on the ride." He held out the duck he won for me, setting it onto my lap. He reached back, my emotions so high that I hadn't even registered the smell of my favorite treat filling the car. "They're not as fresh now but I wanted to make sure we got them." I grabbed the bucket of warm chocolate chip cookies from him, popping one into my mouth immediately.
I knew that in a different world, it'd be so easy. A part of me wanted to go back to denying that the entire prophecy existed, but Hobi was the one person I couldn't risk losing or hurting.
"Thanks for riding the Ferris wheel with me again." I settled for the goodnight that was the safest, at war with the impulse to hug or tell him I love him.
Once I was in my room I stuffed my mouth full of cookies and squeezed the small duck in my arms as a replacement, suddenly sure I couldn't spend the next four years in New York with the torment of fighting every desire that breathed for him.
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