The contrast of the last few days to today is huge. How the pendulum of life swings from carefree happiness one minute to anxious sorrow in one fell swoop.

Usually the radio plays but not this morning. Mum sympathetically tries to take my mind off the guilt in my hands by attempting a conversation about my 21st birthday celebrations next weekend. I continue to stare out of the car window in silence so she allows me the peaceful hush and concentrates on driving.  Only the purr of the engine now flows around us.

I have not uttered a word since it was placed in my trust. The small beech box sits cradled on my lap. I caress the shiny wood and it feels smooth beneath my thumb. The brass plaque in the centre of the lid reflects the golden sunlight glaring through the windscreen. The letters engraved into the metal are slightly raised and rough on the pads of my fingers. "Percy."

Once we arrive home, I head towards the kitchen. Harry and Dad are sharing a joke about something that happened yesterday in the tennis at Wimbledon. They cease their frivolity as soon as I walk in, veiling the kitchen in quietness. I avoid any eye contact, especially with Harry.  If I see my sadness reflecting back at me in his concerned eyes, I know it will break me and I need to remain strong.

"Right." Mum evaporates the tension by throwing her bag on the side and clapping her hands once together. "Tea everyone?"

"Yes, would you like me to make it?" Harry offers, quickly rising from his stool and scraping its feet across the tiles. The sound echoes through me like a screeching pain.

"No thanks, you are ok Harry, I've got it." She offers him a weak smile then busies herself filling the kettle.

As I stand looking out towards the garden and still clutching tightly onto the box, light conversation flows behind me. This is one of those awkward situations in life where no one knows what to say and therefore only small-talk prevails. Only Harry's hands that come to rest gently on my shoulders bring me out of my thoughtless trance.

"Are you ready?" His caring whispered words carry hesitancy because he knows the answer.

"No." I shake my head sorrowfully.

"You can do this. I am here and so are your family, you aren't alone." He gently tugs my shoulder, twisting my body to face him. My gaze remains fixated downwards but undeterred, his arm slides securely around my waist and his fingers splay with a comforting squeeze at my side. I tilt my head until it meets his shoulder and he guides me protectively outside.

We stroll slowly side-by-side towards the summer house. This cannot be rushed because Percy deserves more than that. I finally have the courage to look up at my parents and notice that my sister has joined us. When I catch her glance, she smiles reassuringly at me, her face full of the emotion eating me up from the inside out. Thomas is not here. He was given the choice but he said he wanted to remember Percy as he was and decided to go to school today instead. I totally respect his grown- up decision and told him so when I hugged him goodbye this morning.

I stand before the large planter that was one of Grandma's favourites. During the clear up, it nearly ended up in the skip until I rescued it citing sentimental reasons. Earlier, Dad half filled it in preparation and when I peer down into it, it strikes me that this is the final goodbye. I waver, gripping tightly onto the box, not wanting to let it go. The hesitation pools tears that blur my vision and quivers my bottom lip. I wipe away the first of many that will fall and stain my cheeks in grief today.

I stare down at the precious cargo in my hands. "I remember when we visited the farm. All the other puppies came bounding around my feet and then there you were. You held back at first but I noticed you straightaway; your cute face and fluffy ears. When I knelt down, you came to me and jumped up, placing your paws on my knees and nipping at my hand. I had to choose you; you were so perfect."

I pause as more silent tears flow then wipe them quickly away once more. Taking a deep breath in, I continue.

"And now, all too soon, I have lost you. I am going to miss you. Going to miss falling asleep with you keeping my feet warm and waking up with your head on my pillow, that cold nose and sloppy kisses greeting me each morning. I am going to miss you helping me dig up weeds in the garden, nudging my hand to steal them before running off to hide. I am going to miss you laying across my lap under the trees in the orchard and letting me stroke your soft ears until you drift off to sleep. Miss our conversations where you sit patiently staring at me with your ears pricked up as I talk to you about every thing and you tilt your head to the side as though you understand."

Then I hold the box to my lips and whisper onto it so the words are only ours. "Sometimes when I cried over worries, you would nudge my arm and cuddle into me like you knew. I will miss you for being my unconditional, loving, non-judgmental companion. My constant. I am so very sorry, please forgive me. I will miss you, my boy."

I kiss the box and carefully place it in the planter. Bending down to grasp the small shovel, it feels like a lead weight in my hands and that heaviness does not ease as the earth falls from the blade, showering over the box along with my guilt, grief and pain.

Nathalie steps forward and hands me the plant. Uncharacteristically, she embraces my hand comfortingly in hers before stepping away again. I rest the plant in place and bed it down securely with earth around its roots. I feel both mentally and physically exhausted and rest my hands on the side of the tall planter to steady myself for a moment.

"The rose I chose for you is called Free Spirit. You are not in here; this is not you. Your playfulness lives on all around us. In the whistle through the Spring breeze is your excited bark. In the softness and warmth of blades of grass that glisten in the Summer sun is your velvet chocolate coat. In the rustling crunch of the Autumn leaves are your four big paws trotting along. In the Winter wind is your tail wagging fiercely in happiness. You are in my heart always my lovely Percy. I will never forget you. Goodbye boy."

My teeth almost chatter together trying to hold back the flood that is threatening to flow. I clench my hands together in fists, close my eyes and suck in a huge calming breath. Then, with as much courage as I can muster, I stand up tall.

"Now, one final thing." I point my finger towards the planter. "I hope you are behaving up there in heaven and not digging up God's flowers because he won't be very happy with you. Sleep tight Percy, love you."

I stand still completely motionless. Dad's hand pats my shoulder, Mum squeezes my hand and Nathalie brushes my arm. I sense them all slip away to leave me with my thoughts. I stand for a while searching my mind for every single thing I can remember about him. I am desperate to cling onto every memory but as I attempt to delve into the inner recesses of my soul it aches my head and my heart.

I think I am alone but of course I am not. He is there, standing behind me and allowing me all the time I need. He does not say a word, he just remains patiently near me. Without turning around, I thrust my hand behind me and his hand is immediately in mine. As I turn, he pulls me to him and I bury my face into my hands that collide into his chest.

"Letting him go is so final. I still hear it all in my dreams. The rain hammering down on the car roof, him whining and me singing to ease his fright and hurt." Then I collapse into Harry, griping his shirt as I wail in grieving agony.

"Shhh, come on, let's go and sit down." Practically holding me up, he steers me towards the swing seat. This is fast becoming our go-to place. We settle on the swing and he pulls me close into cuddle him. As he swings the seat back and forth, the combination of his tender caress up and down my arm, the placid rhythmic beating of his heart and his familiar and comforting essence, return a sense of calm to my shaking body.

After a while, he breaks the silence between us. "Your words before, that is not how you should remember him; not in those moments of that night." He states concerned.

"My mind is just blank at the moment, I cannot seem to find the memories. I am scared they are gone because I am unable to recall things about him."

"The words you said as a tribute were truly heartfelt words, Beautiful. They prove your memories are still there. You just need to allow yourself time. Remember you were seriously hurt in the accident too."

"I hope so. You do think the words were enough, don't you?"

"God yes, it was an amazing and touching tribute. Have you thought about writing down your memories to help you? Start with those words, I will help you."

"Thank you. I mean that, sincerely."

"Beautiful -."

I glance up at him. "What is it?"

"Hmm, I got you something." His words are laced with apprehension.

"Did you?" I sit up and he holds my hand in his with my palm face-up.

"Yeah." He reaches into his shirt pocket to pull out a box that he places on my upturned hand then rests his hand over the top. "I was a little unsure about when to give it to you but I think now is a good time." He offers tentatively.

Intrigued, I open the lid and the smell of leather is immediately rich upon my nostrils. I automatically bring the box to my nose to breathe in the scent before peeling back the tissue paper to reveal the contents sitting underneath. I scoop it out of the box, turning it around to admire it. I feel the questioning frown that crosses my features. "Is this-?" I look towards Harry for confirmation.

"I know a guy in LA who makes leather jewellery." He smiles one of his gentle meaningful smiles. "I took Percy's collar to him and asked him to make you a keepsake.  He designed and made the bracelet. I thought you could wear it, especially when you garden, so a part of Percy is always with you."

I continue to stare at it with fascination, twisting it in my fingers whilst trying not to cry again which I fail at miserably.

"I hope I did the right thing?  I ummed and arred about it but asked your Mum's advice and she thought it was a nice idea."

I've lost myself for a little bit in his thoughtful gift but come back to the present. I reach my arm around his shoulder and pull him to my lips, holding him there as I kiss him.  My tears pool where our cheeks touch.  "It is incredible, a beautiful memory, the best thing, really, thank you so very much. Thank you for such a lovely sentiment. I adore it."

"I am glad you do." His reply is edged with relief. I secure it around my wrist and hold out my arm for him to help me fasten the clasp.

"You are the most thoughtful person, do you know that?" I glance at him concentrating on the task in hand.

"Thank you, I had the best teacher in Mum." He answers with fondness.

"How is she?" I still cannot get over his gift and continue to run my fingers over the blue leather.

"She's bearing up after that article in the press I told you about regarding her ex-husband, John. I mean why come out of the woodwork after all this time?  I haven't spoken to him since Mum and him split when I was 12." 

As he stares down at the bracelet and entwines his fingers in between mine, I feel him tense in annoyance beside me.  He tuts then he shakes his head at the thought and glances at me. "I haven't seen Mum and Robin since they were here last and also Dad for ages so I thought I'd go see them all at the end of next week for the weekend. I'm aiming to drive down to Cheshire on Thursday and hoping to come back on Sunday."

"That'll be lovely, they will all be pleased to see you, especially Anne."

"Well, I was rather hoping you'd come with me." He pokes my arm with his finger.

I screw my nose up in disappointment. "Damn, I would have loved that but I can't, I'm sorry. I've got a hospital appointment Friday morning, then physio in the afternoon."

"I understand, your appointments are the most important but we could always go afterwards."

"No because that won't give you enough family time. You go to see your Mum. By the sounds of it, she needs you and you don't want to rush your visit."

"Ok but only if you are sure." He seeks reassurance.

"Yes of course I am, family first remember. Thank you for inviting me though. I promise I'll come next time." I pepper kisses across his knuckles.

He leans towards me and demands proper lips kisses then rubs his nose over mine. "I'll hold you to that. So when are you coming to stay with me? I mean your parents are back to work next week so I hoped you would, if you'd like too of course."

"I'd love that, I have missed the garden, and I want to get back out there." I reply nonchalantly still in awe of his gift.

"Oh I get it, the garden takes priority I see." He holds his hand up to me and puts his nose in the air to indicate his hurt feelings. "Seriously, it's ok, no offence taken, my feelings are still in tact." He dramatically holds his heart but unsuccessfully hides his smirk.

I manage a little giggle. "You know what I mean, I want to spend time with you as well." I bump against his shoulder.

He relaxes and chuckles. "Glad to hear it. I am so happy your passion for gardening is returning but you are not doing too much, understand?"

"Yes, Sir!"

"I have some work to do as well so we can enjoy a lazy week, together."

"I'd like that a lot. Is tomorrow too soon?" I ask feeling a little renewed.

He pulls me into his side once again and resumes the reassuring sway of the swing.  "I'd take you back with me tonight if you were packed which I know you are not. So yes, tomorrow is just fine with me, Beautiful."