My headache is back, throbbing loudly inside my skull.  I didn't sleep at all well last night as I tossed and turned replaying the 'moment' with Harry over and over in my mind.

I grown inwardly and bury my face into my pillow.  Damn, I should have kissed him back.  Every part of me wanted his lips on mine apart from that one little sensible bit inside of me that commandingly sits in the corner of my mind, constantly active, always analysing, forever questioning and ultimately preventing me from letting go. 

But this time I so wanted to let go.  I scream into my pillow in frustration, the muffled sound reverberating through my aching head.  I stretch out my body as much as possible beneath the covers trying to rid my annoyance through my taut skin.  Even my eyes are squeezed as tightly shut as I can force them.  But it's still there, his lustful green gaze stares back at me, a permanent imprint behind my lids.  I sink my limbs back into the mattress but my whole body still aches, unfulfilled and heavy in disappointment.   

Although tormenting myself at not being able to, as Olive would put it, 'just let go', at 4.30am I came to the conclusion that I had done the right thing.  I convinced myself that it was just a heat of the moment thing.  He's living alone, I'm the only person he sees, I hugged him, he tried to kiss me, he most likely hasn't had sex in ages and that for someone like him is probably unusual. 

Someone like him?  Bit disrespectful I scold myself seeing as though I know nothing about his past sex life.  No doubt it's colourful but my experience of him doesn't suggest he's a player, a sleep with them and leave them type.  Well perhaps once but not now.  And anyway, so what if he is a male version of Olive, it works for her and if it works for him great.  It's not for me but whatever floats their boat.  We've all got a past, he most certainly has and so have I. 

But still, I am confused about whether I should be flattered or angry.  If he likes me that way then I am unbelievably surprised but if the disappointment in his tone is an indicator and he just wanted sex then I am angry.  I don't do notches on the bedpost.  

Yes I'd be lying if I said I didn't find him utterly sexually attractive but I don't think I've given him any reason to believe it's anything other than friendship and before last night, he's never once given me any sexual signals.

But then my mind reflects on last night.  When he touched me something rushed through my veins like a drug waking up my senses and jolting my body alive.  I cannot deny that I felt ignited being that close to him.  His hand splayed over my lower back it sent shock waves coursing through me.  I could practically feel his heart pounding in his chest as he pressed himself against me.  The intensity of his hot breath against my cheek when his lips were inches from mine, I wanted to feel them on me but still I resisted. 

And even after that rejection he didn't push me away, his arms tightened around me sending vibrations ricocheting through me.  The way he held my body to his, burying himself into my neck, his warm lips trailing small pecks along my jawline suggested he was completely disappointed and that makes me think it wasn't a heat of the moment thing.

He takes up so much of my mind space all the time, I know he's slowly seeping under my skin.  I like spending time with him and I think about him when I'm not at Summer Haze.  Perhaps it's an infatuation?  No, it's not, it's so much more than that, something deeper.  I feel a connection with him.  I've talked to him about things I haven't even talked to Olive about. About my family and how I feel.  Or is it?  I mean perhaps I talk to him because I know in a few months he's leaving and I probably won't see him again. 

Why do I do this?  Why do I torment myself like this? Why do I question, analyse, overthink absolutely everything?

I should look at it as what have I got to lose but I don't because I don't want that loss to become so big it consumes me and destroys my heart.  That is what stops me letting go.  Always. I'm too cautious.

The worst thing of all is that I can't talk to Olive about it because it would be like rubbing her face in more lies.  I sigh and flop back against my pillow again, my headache not having eased despite taking my meds.  My phone buzzing interrupts my thoughts.  The screen lights up with a picture of a beaming smile. Speak of the devil. Olive.

"Hi Lil."  She sounds animatedly excited. 

"Hello, you sound happy."  I greet her cheerfully.   

"You never guess what?"  But before I can even attempt to answer she continues.  "I met none other than Brandon Johnson at The Purple Orchid last night."  She is literally brimming with happiness.   

"The Purple Orchid, how did you manage to get in there?"  The club is an exclusive 'the' place to be seen, member only establishment and consequently it has prices to match.

"I have my ways but you are missing the point, Brandon Johnson!"  She squeals in delight.

"Oh so finally you netted the big one eh?" I mock, tongue-in-cheek. 

"Well no but hopefully tonight, are you in?"  She asks tentatively. 

"Hang on, what's on tonight?"  I quiz bracing myself for the answer. 

"Party at Brandon's place."  Her attempt at nonchalant is clearly not fooling me. 

"What on a Sunday night?" I question.

"Oh Lily don't be so straight.  His parents flew out to their villa in Spain today until Wednesday so he's home alone.  He's decided to throw a party, a very big party, and yes it's on a Sunday."

"Oh I don't know if I'm up for it."  Enthusiasm is distinctly lacking in my voice.

"I'm not taking no for an answer, you are coming with me whether you like it or not.  Be ready at 5pm, I'm driving and will leave my car there, we can get a cab back."

"Five is a bit early?"  I know I am being pessimistic but I just can't help it. 

"More time to find yourself a man then isn't it."  She jests.  Either she is totally ignoring my negativity or hasn't picked up on it. 

"Olive, I don't know."  I'm hesitant.  Part of me wants to go and let my hair down, part of me simply can't be bothered. 

"That's enough, no overthinking, see you at 5pm" and with that she hangs up.

My arm flops over my eyes as I let out a deep sigh but then I perk up.  Perhaps a party is just the thing I need, a release because everything has been so intense lately.  Yes, it sounds like a great idea.  I glance at the clock.  It's already 3pm and I rise off my bed to waste no time in getting ready.    

-*-

For someone who usually runs late for everything, Olive pulls up, on time, as arranged.  I laugh to myself as it's really no surprise considering her motivation to get to the party as soon as possible. 

As I get in the car she wolf whistles very loudly. I'm wearing a navy lace skater dress that sits tight across my bust and ends just above my knees, white converse and my denim jacket.  My hair is down in waves but I've braided back off my face two small sections either side of my parting that meet at the back. A smart casual look and for a change I get to show off my tanned legs.

"Oh my god you look amazing."  She exclaims as she leans over and hugs me. 

"Thanks Olive."  I would never openly admit to looking good but tonight I do feel it and I am determined to have a good time.

"Hell, if you don't find yourself a man I will be very surprised.  I want to have sex with you myself!" 

"Olive please, I just want to have some fun, no complications."  I sigh. 

"Ok but I am going to set you a challenge.  You must kiss at least one frog tonight."  Olive claps her hands in glee.  I attempt to speak but she holds up her index to silence me, one, just one, that's it, let your hair down, live a little, come on."

I hold my palms up in front of me.  "I am not promising anything, I am not kissing someone for the sake of it.  I've had enough of that." 

"What do you mean?"  She looks across at me frowning. 

"Nothing, forget it."  I shake my head more annoyed with myself for my comment. 

"No, come on, tell me."  She coaxes.

Me and my big mouth, she won't let this one go now, I'll have to come clean.  "I think Mick tried to kiss me last night."

"WHAT! Why didn't you mention this earlier.  What do you mean tried, he either did or he didn't."  She looks as me expectantly. 

"We sort of shared a bit of a moment and he went to kiss me but I didn't let him." I try to shrug it off as nothing.

"Why the hell not?"  She fires back at me.

"Olive you know why. He's a temporary fixture.  I don't want to start something that will inevitably finish."

"Who says it has to finish?  Only you."

"It will.  He lives in London and he'll go back there and I'll still be here."  I sound defeated. 

"But Lily that is how relationships start.  Look at my parents.  My dad lived in Scotland, my mum lived in London, they met at the Glastonbury Festival of all places, you wouldn't think to look at them now that they were festival goers, but they are still together after 30 years.  Long distance can work, if you let it. She's trying desperately to convince me.

"No, we are friends that's the way I want to keep it."  Olive raises her eyebrows at me and even I sense the lack of conviction in my response. 

"Well if you are sure but you seem to like him and he seems into you so why not give it a chance?"  She shrugs questioningly. 

"How do you come to the conclusion that he's into me, just because he tried to kiss me?" I groan annoyed at her assumption.

"I just get a feeling there seems to be something between you but you don't talk about him much anymore so perhaps I'm wrong."  She offers resigned.   

"As I said, we're friends so can we leave it, please, just for tonight."

"Ok.  Anyway you won't be short of admirers at the party.  Talking of which we're here."

We pull onto the sweeping driveway that leads up towards Brandon's house or should I say mansion.  His father is American and his mother is English.  The house is a magnificent modern property all glass and steel designed by his father who is a successful architect.  

There are young people crowded outside and it looks like he's not only invited the whole University campus but the College campus too.  This should be an interesting mix.  The Uni crowd give off an air that they are far superior to the college group and if at least one fight doesn't break out tonight I will be very surprised.

Olive finds a place to park her car and we both get out.  She walks eagerly towards the house with me trailing behind her, struggling to keep up.  Her hands are already rubbing together in anticipation.

"Look at all the endless possibilities that are here already." She is in her ultimate heaven, like a kid in a sweet shop.  "If you don't kiss someone tonight there is no justice in the world."  She laughs wildly and I just roll my eyes at her.

We walk up the steps and through the double glass front doors.  The house is crammed to the rafters with people, not a spare inch of standing room can be seen.  Music echoes through the minimalistic open plan space, accentuating the sound in the hollow design of the house and vibrating deafeningly off the walls.  Groups of people are wedged together drinking and attempting conversation unsuccessfully. 

We push our way towards the kitchen to find Brandon, all 6ft 2inches of him, greeting everyone who comes in and handing out drinks.  As soon as he spots Olive he immediately makes his way over to us. 

I dislike to label people but he truly is the stereotypical epitome of University high achiever.  Top of his classes in all subjects and captain of the rowing team, he possesses a brain to stimulate and a body to pleasure his plethora of admirers.  His reputation really does precede him and if rumors are true, his preference doesn't end at purely female attention.

He greets Olive with a perfect white smile that matches his perfectly styled hair and perfect rugged looks.  She practically smolders against him as he leans in to kiss her cheek.  His arm snakes around her waist as he pulls her into his sculpt of muscles that he isn't afraid to show off in the tightest tee that hugs his body ridiculously closely.  She won't tame him but then neither will he ever be able to tame her.  They would be perfect together. 

Olive introduces me and he politely nods a hello, clearly preoccupied with his hands full of her.  He pulls away and offers us both a drink then he clinks his cup against Olive's and she giggles flirtatiously.  It's some sort of alcoholic punch that is disgustingly strong but if I'm going to get through tonight I'm going to need some help and this is the perfect remedy.  

Brandon indicates he has some more hellos to make and says he'll catch up with Olive later not before winking at her and sliding his palm across her behind squeezing it suggestively.  She smiles and cocks her brow at him, copying his action by grabbing his butt and thrusting her hips into his.  He's practically putty in her hands and he can barely tear himself away from her grasp. 

We make our way outside to the pool that is brimming with bikini-clad girls unashamedly showing off their gorgeous figures.  Olive wastes no time in stripping off to her skimpy thong number and parading around, swishing her recently blond but now electrifying red mass of curls that sway as she struts. 

I swear every single male and a few females shift their eyes in her direction as she wanders past groups saying 'hi' to anyone she knows and introducing herself to anyone she doesn't. 

Brandon reappears and is practically shadowing her like a long lost puppy, drooling behind her.  I am so happily jealous of her as I perch awkwardly on the side of a sun lounger, still fully dressed.  I don't do swimming and Olive knows that so luckily no need to bare what I've got for this crowd which suits me fine.

Every so often Olive frowns over in my direction and waves her arm with encouragement for me to mingle.  My earlier eagerness to come and have a good time is waning.  I am tired after a night of poor sleep and Harry pops back into my mind.  I venture back inside to get another drink and spot a group of girls from college.  I chat to them for a while and after another two drinks I am beginning to relax a bit.

It's now early evening and the music is blaring, the BBQ is in full swing, alcohol is a plenty and people are dancing or splashing around in the pool.  I haven't seen Olive for ages and when I look around Brandon is nowhere in the vicinity either.  Wow, she didn't take long or perhaps it was him.  Nevertheless it was inevitable.  I smile to myself and shake my head, god I love that girl's ability to get what she wants.  A poke on either side of my waist and a chin bearing down on my shoulder from behind interrupts my thoughts and makes me jump. 

"Hello Lily, long time no see."  I turn to see Dylan's bright blue eyes smiling at me.  His arm reaches around my shoulder as he pulls me into a hug. 

"Dylan.  How are you?  I'm loving the hair."  I wink knowingly at him.   

"Yeah Olivia did a great job." He releases me and I see that Ellie is stood next to him, their hands entwined. "We are both great."  Ellie releases Dylan's hand and steps forward to hug me too.  "It's good to see you Lily, are you here on your own?" 

I return her embrace.  "No, Olive is-" but before I can finish Dylan interrupts, "let me guess, somewhere that Brandon is." 

I look at the Dylan and nudge his shoulder playfully with mine.  He knows her almost as well as I do, "yeah something like that!" and all three of us laugh.   

"Well you should join us then."  Ellie has no hesitation in offering, "we were just about to start some drinking games."

"Ok that sounds great thanks."

A group of about 10 people, most of whom I vaguely know, settle down to play the games.  I dutifully take my turn each time but am not really concentrating as I cannot take my eyes off Dylan and Ellie. 

They are so effortlessly together.  It is so natural, not overbearing.  She sits in the armchair whilst he is seated on the floor between her legs.  I catch the little touches they give each other.  Her hand rests on his shoulder and he reaches his fingers up to brush against hers.  When she's successful at a round of the game he tilts his head against her knee and places a swift kiss there.  When he makes a mistake her arms find their way around his shoulders and he tilts his head back to look up at her and she kisses the end of his nose. 

Their subtle loving interactions rise a sudden pang of intense jealously inside of me.  Not because I want that with Dylan but because I want that with my someone.  I am getting overly emotional which is usual when I drink.  I am not an aggressive shouter I usually curl up in a ball and cry.  I need air and now.  Luckily we are in between games and I swiftly excuse myself.

When I finally manage to push my way outside I make my way to find some food.  I have hardly eaten anything all day but the table is bare apart from half a roll and a handful of peanuts.  That'll have to do.  I must slow down, I suddenly feel really woozy, the loud beat of the music is closing in on me, ringing loudly in my ears and aggravating my already banging head.  Snippets of conversations stand out buzzing my mind and spinning my vision.

I've got to go somewhere quiet for a bit.  I stagger back inside but the house is still heaving, noisy and intensely hot.  I snake my way through sweaty bodies and finally get out front where there are a few people mingling around.  I drag my feet as I stumble along, my overflowing cup sloshing drink down my dress.  Eventually I find a set of small steps near to the front door but sufficiently out of sight to sit down.  I take on board some deep breaths, I have clearly drunk more than I thought.

Being in the fresh air my muddled mind bubbles anger up inside of me.  Here I am at this party that I don't want to be at but came for my best friend, who is now nowhere to be seen, having to put up with loved up Dylan and Ellie with their perfect relationship and of all the possible available men not one even remotely sparks my interest.  Why? Because of him, he is the reason.  I rest my head against the wall beside me and take in a deep breath.  Every time I am alone there he is taking up my thought space AGAIN. 

My frustration at myself, my unjustified annoyance at my friends and alcohol-induced state swipe away all my inhibitions and without a second thought I grab my phone out of my pocket and dial Harry's number.