"I..., I can't."

My reply bites, sinking paralysing venom into his every cell.  He throws his head back that drags his eyelids to close and releases a sigh from his lips like a plea for help.

The void between us is the realisation our conversation has laid bare. He lifts his head up and looks straight at me.  A black shadow cascades down his face like a falling curtain.  The polished marble of his eyes dull to a misty-grey and two small confusion lines crease on the bridge of his nose.  I shun away from his look of despondency and focus on the chapped surface of his pale lips.  He prizes the rough skin apart as though he is going to speak but no words are forthcoming.

Our silence is devastating.

"Harry, please understand this has nothing to do with love.  It's about the situation."  Between my panic and his composure I am backpedalling but he is not listening.  His own thoughts have him entranced so much that his fork hovers over his plate, trembling in mid-air. 

A shake of his head sweeps aside the negativity.  "This has everything to do with love."  He slumps back in his chair and drops his fork from his grasp. The clatter against the porcelain plate reverberates down my spine.  "All this time.  My God, was any of the last few months real for you?" 

"Yes of course!"  I splutter.  "All of it was real but Summer Haze was just you and me but your world, it's just so much bigger than that."

"You're not in a relationship with my career though, you're in a relationship with me," he asserts.

Right now the weight of his last sentence could not seem further from the truth. 

"The two are not mutually exclusive.  I crave a quiet life, especially after my accident but your life, it's so loud it's positively screaming." 

He leans towards me and rests his palm over his heart.  "I am still just me, wherever I am.  You are one of the few people who has seen all of the real me.  At my most vulnerable when you picked me up and cared for me, to my happiest when we laughed and made love, and everything in between.  We've experienced so much and now you say you want to walk away.  Well I'm not prepared to let you go."

"Harry, it's not you, it's..."

His eyes flare as his index finger strikes the table top with every word.  "Don't you fucking dare come at me with the 'it's not you, it's me' bullshit.  We have everything in place to begin this next chapter in our lives.  You never voiced any doubts there was something wrong."

I reach across the table to him but he pulls his hand away.  "I cannot be what you need, what you deserve, Harry."

"I get it, it's overwhelming but do you know what hurts the most?  The fact that you aren't prepared to even fucking try."

I have no comeback to appease his disappointment in me.  He picks up his fork and nudges the remainder of his food around his plate as a distraction. He's thinking then he looks right at me again.  So many emotions emanate from his stare. 

"You should have saved us both a lot of heartache by not coming to London."

Pinpricks prickle across my nose, welling tears in my eyes but I blink them back.  Abruptly he stands; the legs of his chair scrape along the floor raising goose bumps over my skin.  He throws his napkin down on the table and pulls his jacket off the back of his chair. 

"This dinner is over.  I will meet you in the foyer." He strides away with every step of his black boots banging anger into the floor like a hammer against an anvil.

I remain seated at our little table surrounded by the art.  I wait for silence to return but my head is too consumed with loud conflicting thoughts.  The back of my throat stings as I down my glass of wine.  Tears line up to fall but despite inhaling a deep breath and blowing it out hard, I am unable to suppress their onslaught.  They tumble down into my napkin, streaking black mascara smudges into the pure white linen fabric.  

At the gallery exit, I see Harry in discussion with the Director of the exhibition.  He is smiling but it is all a front. His hunched shoulders give away the weight they carry.  They shake hands then the Director turns to me and hands me my coat. I smile and thank her for the wonderful opportunity to dine amongst such incredible works of art.  We say our good nights and head down the cold marble stairs.  Although side-by-side, we couldn't be further apart.  Once at the bottom, Harry pushes through the revolving door so harshly that it rotates like a roundabout being spun too fast.  Round and round it flies capturing the chilly night air from outside and blasting it within.  I wait calmly for the door to slow and put my coat on before exiting. 

Harry is ahead of me now.  He reaches into his pocket and the car lights flash, clicking the doors to open, but I walk straight past him and the car towards the street.  I certainly don't expect him to drive me back to my hotel.  He increases his stride to catch up with me and reaches for my coat sleeve, spinning me around to face him.  The momentum bumps us together and he grabs my upper arms in his hands to stop my momentum.  Looking down at me he breathes heavily in and out of his nose.  There is no malice in his look or his grip but I shrug out of both. Immediately he pulls away from me but doesn't take his eyes from mine. 

"I'll get a cab back to the hotel."  I state, honestly. 

His mouth opens and all his pent up breaths escape in a puff to calm his voice.  "No, Lily. Let me drive you back to your hotel, please," he offers respectfully.  

Not wishing to exasperate our already strained situation, we walk back to the car.  Ever the gentleman I don't deserve, he opens my door and then shuts it gently behind me.  Once settled in the driver's side, he reverses and heads towards the gate.  Turning right into the Piccadilly traffic, the lights of the Ritz Hotel shine bright now and reflect off the windscreen as we pass.  It begins teeming with rain again that soon falls hard enough for the monotonous swipe back and forth of the wipers to fill the emptiness.  Harry must sense it too as he turns up the volume of the late night radio show.

'We're running around like love is what we found and

Nothing else could matter in our life

But wait, but wait, but wait'

We stop at a red light and the engine cuts.  The air now fills more clearly with the lyrics of the song. 

'The sun will stop shining soon

And you'll be dark in my life

Yeah you'll be gone, it's as simple as a change in your heart'

I rest my elbow on the passenger door and press my fist against my mouth.  I don't need to look at him.  I sense him glance across at me. He knows.

'A love like this won't last forever

I know that a love like this won't last forever

But I, I don't mind, I don't mind at all.'

This song played the first drunken night that we kissed, when he dropped me back home. That night was the up tempo version in comparison to this night and its somber acoustic counterpart.  There is no plucky mandolin or cheery mouth organ tonight, only doleful piano keys and the repetitive strum of an acoustic guitar.

'Lost in the memory as it shakes up the corners of my heart

Was it my mistake?

Or maybe it was just as simple as a change in your heart.'

He chuckles like he doesn't care.  "Irony of fate is catching up with me right now and having a right laugh at my expense isn't it!"  His sarcastic demeanor is just his protective cloak for I know he does care.  I have done this to him and to us.  I've hurt him, not intentionally but deeply nonetheless.  My heart tugs at me to hit the radio off button and tell him things can be different but my head overrules it.

Suddenly cars behind sound their horns interrupting both our thoughts.  The light is green.  Harry slams the palm of his hand down on the horn and holds it there whilst giving the finger in his rear view mirror to the driver behind us.  Wheel spinning away, the lights of the city blur through the raindrops on my window.

Once back at the hotel, Harry pulls the car into a space on a quiet road nearby.  With no engine, no wipers or radio, we sit in the stillness with only the rain hammering down on the car roof.  The streetlight above drenches haunting shadows through the glass and showers them over our features.

Both of Harry's hands still grip onto the steering wheel but he relaxes and they drop into his lap.  He turns his whole body in his seat to face me.  "Lily, please don't go.  I don't want to live my life without you.  We can work through this."

"Harry, it doesn't seem like it but this is for the best."  I need to go and reach for the door handle but he rests his hand on my arm. 

"Wait.  I'll give it all up, for you, for us.  Right here, right now.  Everything gone.  Just you and me that's all I want.  I don't need the money.  I'll pay to get out of my contract and walk away.  Leave it all behind."

I look at him in disbelief and shake my head furiously.  "Harry.  No!"

He can barely breathe though the crack in his voice.  "Why not?  It's the best way, the only way."

I face him now and reach to cup his cheek.  He cradles his head into my palm and finally let's goes of his tears that seep between my fingers.

"At the expense of everything you have ever dreamed of.  Music is everything to you.  I can't and won't be the one responsible for denying the world your gift." 

"I just don't understand what's happening?"  

"It's not always arguments or cheating that ends a relationship.  Sometimes it's timing.  We both need to be free to flourish and as hard as this is, we need to be selfish to achieve that."

"We? I don't need to be free and I don't want to be selfish."  He cups his hand over mine, pushing his fingers in between to lace them together.

Now is perhaps my only chance to try and make him understand.  "Monet's life was painting.  He stood in his garden and created art that later adorned gallery walls for all to admire.  However wonderful his paintings are though the viewer will only ever be on the outside looking in and trying to imagine Monet's reality.  Your life is music.  Your studio is akin to his garden, your songs are the equivalent of his paintings and your album and tour are his art gallery.  You need someone to jump into your life and be part of all your reality alongside you because your music isn't work you leave at the door at 5pm, it's your whole life.  Harry, I am not the person to make that jump. All I can be is the viewer on the outside looking in."  

There is nothing else left to say.  He presses an everlasting kiss into my palm.  I gently slide my hand away from his lips until finally our fingers unravel.  Scuttling away like a scared little mouse, I get out of the car and run half way across the road but then stop in my tracks.  He hasn't pulled away.  I turn around to see his driver's window is down and he is staring across the road towards me.  For what seems like the longest time we look at each other until his window closes and he pulls away. 

I stand in the middle of the road until his taillights are so far away, they are nothing but minute specs of red, blurred by the raindrops drowning me.

---***---

15:7/20: Hello, I don't usually talk at the end of my chapters, not for any other reason than to keep the story uninterrupted, but there's two things I would like to share with you.

The first is that my stories are usually influenced by a song and LifeStyles is no exception - Kodaline's 'Love Like This' is the song. The acoustic version is quoted in this chapter and the original version also featured in Chapter Thirteen.  Go give them a listen!

Secondly, LifeStyles was conceived and started back when 1D were completing their final tour in October 2015, before we knew what any of the boys had planned for their futures.  When it became clear that Harry was going to release solo music, my aim was to finish the story before his first album release, mainly because I didn't want his solo career or music to influence my story outline.  It didn't happen and here we are two albums and a tour later and it is still not finished!!  Despite that, the story remains true to how I planned it back in 2015.

Sadly, I know I lost some readers due to a significant gap in writing at one point but many have stood by me and this story and keep on supporting it and me and for that I want to say a very big thank you.  Please know that I do read and appreciate all your comments. 

After 87 chapters the end is in sight but there's still more to share with you. I am looking forward to writing more of Harry and Lily for you so please watch this space for more soon. Thanks again xx