Lost.

I was so lost in thought while I was staring at nowhere.

I wasn't expecting that his feelings for me were genuine. Dati ko pa naman 'yon naiisip and whenever I do think of it, I always gaslight myself that flirting is just part of who he is.

Lahat nag sink in na sa akin na gusto niya ako and supposedly I should just thank him for liking me but instead I was confused. Parang 'yung pagmamahal ko kay Gabe ay nahati at biglang kalahati ng puso ko ay mahal din si Ravi.

Ang hirap niyang i-explain. Tangina, ang hirap naman ng sitwasyon na binigay mo sa akin, Lord.

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko! I finally had the courage to go outside my car. Nasa labas ako ng grocery, I want to bake something. Maybe strawberry crumble?

While picking up some ingredients, I saw a familiar figure in the distance. When she turned her gaze in my direction, she smiled when our eyes met. Nakita ko naman ang batang naka sunod sa kanya sa likod. Nakita rin ako ng bata at madaling lumapit sa akin.

"Ninang, Lia!" She said as she skipped towards me. I smiled before giving her a tight hug.

"Architect Flores," I greeted Caitlyn and she smirked before showing her ring finger to me. Nanlaki naman mata ko, nagpakasal na sila? Ang huling balita ko sa kanya ay bumalik siya ng Manila eh! 'Di ko naman alam na pati ang tatay ni Zai ay babalikan.

"It's actually Architect Flores-Domingo now," Pagmamayabang niya pa at inirapan ko naman siya. I knelt down and looked at Zairah, she looked so lovely. She's going to grow up looking like her parents, pogi at maganda. May kinuha ako sa bulsa ko and it was a clip. Inayos ko ang buhok ni Zairah before softly patting her head.

"Hindi mo 'ko inimbitahan sa kasal!" I shouted playfully and she scoffed.

"Sinong busy grumaduate sa psychology? Ikaw nga nagsabi na 'shit, sorry Caitlyn, finals namin no'n, I can't come.'" She mocked my voice and I chuckled.

"I'm sorry for being busy ha, para sa kapakanan ko. Tigok na siguro ako pag 'di ako grumaduate ng may latin honor noon," I rolled my eyes. "What are you doing here, Caitlyn?" I asked her.

"Duh, I live with my husband and kid. Our job is in Manila, kaya nandito kami," She explained. "Ikaw, are you still not married? I don't see a ring, but I saw your post saying that the photos were taken by your boyfriend, where is he?"

I heavily sighed at nabasa niya agad ang reaksyon ko, she took the basket I was holding at tinakbo papuntang counter. I was confused kaya sinundan ko na lang din siya.

"Ninang, where were you? Bakit po wala ka noong birthday ko?" Zairah asked in her soft voice and I gave her an apologetic smile.

"Sorry baby, ninang was busy with work eh," I answered her.

Pagkalingon ko muli kay Caitlyn ay binayaran niya na 'yung pinamili ko, "Hoy gagi, bakit mo binayaran?"

She just smiled and picked up the paper bag and gave it to me, "Let's go out for coffee, you're clearly not yourself right now and I want to listen to your problem." Tumango na lang ako sa kanya. Nilagay ko muna ang napamili ko sa kotse bago sundan si Caitlyn.

We found ourselves in a small coffee shop. The design was very minimalistic and pleasing to the eye. Caitlyn talked to the cashier before walking back towards me with Zairah holding her hand.

"I designed this place," She said. "Ikaw, kailan ka papagawa ng bahay?"

I chuckled, "Wala naman akong asawa at anak kaya para saan ang bahay?"

Umirap siya, "Aren't you going to move out soon? You're 24 na next week!"

"Papagawa ako basta libre," I grinned. Magsasalita na sana siya when a tall and handsome guy approached us. Hinalikan niya ang labi ni Caitlyn sabay halik sa noo ni Zairah.

"Daddy!" Zairah exclaimed. He ruffled the hair of their daughter. I was just smiling while looking at three of them. To build a family like theirs. "Ninang, this is Daddy. He loves me and Mommy so much," Zai said before pulling me and Zayn's hand so that we could shake hands.

"You have good taste, Caitlyn," I smiled while looking at her. She just chuckled before nodding, "Hindi niyo pa balak sundan?"

Zayn grinned, "How are you sure na hindi pa nasundan?"

Nanlaki naman ang mata ko, "You're fucking pregnant?!"

"What's fucking, Mom?" Zairah innocently asked at agad ko naman tinakpan ang bibig niya. Caitlyn glared at me and I just smiled awkwardly. Baka ipakulong ako ng asawa nito ng walang dahilan, delikado na.

"Zayn, take Zairah out on a date. Me and Lia will catch up," Sambit nito sa asawa at tumango ito bago umalis habang buhat ang kanilang anak. Tiningnan naman ako ni Caitlyn, "So, ano ang problema mo? Alam kong mayroon kaya 'wag na 'wag kang magdedeny," Seryosong saad niya sa akin.

"I'm all ears, love. I'll be the psychologist today, just talk to me," She smiled and I nodded.

"Okay, so I have a boyfriend. Pero before I got together with him, I became friends with the members of Bloodthirst," I started at nalaglag ang panga niya pero hindi nag salita. "Ravi, the lead vocalist was continuously flirting with me pero ang iniisip ko ay ginagawa niya lang 'yon for fun. But then, recently umamin siya sa akin na mahal niya ako, eh may boyfriend ako."

She observed my face, "So? What's wrong? Are you questioning your love for your boyfriend because of Ravi's confession?" She asked and I didn't answer. "Holy shit! May nangyari sa inyo ni Ravi 'no?"

Nahiya na ako, tangina. Sino ang hindi mahihiya na nakipag-sex ka sa iba habang may ka relasyon ka? "We kissed and had a one night thing..." I whispered and her eyes widened as she held her head, processing what I said.

"Do you love Ravi?"

Hindi ko na naman nasagot and she sighed, "You do. Kasi sa una pa lang dapat, hindi ka magdududa sa pagmamahal mo sa boyfriend mo. At kung ako sa'yo, break up with him kasi it's for the best. Parehas kayong masasaktan pero mas masakit kung malalaman niya na nag cheat ka sa kanya and still stayed with him," Mahabang sambit niya at tumango naman ako.

I think she's right. I'll eventually break his heart sooner or later so why not do it now? Wala naman nang mawawala sa akin maliban ang pagmamahal niya na hindi ako nakuntento.

"Thank you, Caitlyn," I genuinely smiled at tumabi naman siya sa akin bago ako yakapin ng mahigpit.

"Make good decisions Doc! I love you, kaya mo 'to."

We parted ways because she said na may kailangan pa siyang makita na client.

Umuwi naman ako sa bahay at nag bake. While I was doing it, lumulutang din ang isip ko. Iniisip ko kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin kay Gabe mamaya. I already told him na we should talk pero 'di ko alam kung saan magsisimula.

Should I start with Ravi confessing? Or with the night where I made a precious sin?

After I finished baking, tinabi ko muna sa fridge iyon. It was already in a small cute box. Pero hindi ko naman alam kung kanino 'yon ibibigay. Basta meron na akong pastries na masarap.

Umidlip muna ako saglit bago nag palit ng maayos na pang alis, nasa likod ang binake ko kanina. Tita said na sa pool nakatambay ngayon si Gabe. So just in case na sa pool kami mag iyakan at maghiwalay, prepared ako. Nagdala ako ng pamalit.

Pagdating ko sa kanila ay inayos ko ang pag park ko sa aking kotse bago pumasok sa loob. Hindi ko na dinala 'yung strawberry crumble dahil naalala ko na ayaw niya sa sweets. I took a few deep breaths before knocking on their door twice.

Bumungad sa akin si Tita and she smiled before letting me in, "He's still at the pool 'nak," She informed me and I nodded. Lalabas na sana ako sa backyard nang magsalita si Tita. "Nag away ba kayo? Para kasing sobrang lungkot niya lately."

I sighed, "Not exactly po. May pinagdadaanan lang po ako ngayon... medyo madalang rin ang paguusap namin dahil sa residency at pasok po," I answered. "Pero Tita... 'wag po kayo magagalit kung maghiwalay kami ngayon."

She looked at me with a pitiful look before giving me a sad smile. Lumapit naman siya sa akin at binigyan ako ng saglit na yakap, "Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang nangyayari sa relasyon niyo ng anak ko pero wala naman akong karapatan para pigilan kayo sa magiging desisyon niyo," Mariing sambit niya. "But as much as possible, please don't give him a hard break up na iiyak siya mag damag. I don't want to see my son crying."

Kahit hindi ko 'yun maipapangako, tumango ako sa kanya bago lumabas. Sobrang tahimik at tanging tubig lang ang naririnig ko. He was looking at the stars while his feet were dipped in the water. Nararamdaman ko na agad na may nagbabadyang luha sa ilalaim ng aking mata kaya pinunasan ko 'yon agad.

I slowly walked up to him and sat beside him. He looked at me in shock but didn't say anything. Instead we both silently stared at our hands that were touching. I closed my eyes before leaning my head onto his shoulder. Naramdaman ko naman ang kanyang kamay na pumulupot sa akin.

If only we could stay like this forever.

"Why are you here, baby?" He broke the silence. Ito na 'yun, kailangan ko na sabihin at tapatin sa kanya ang lahat ng nangyari sa amin ni Ravi habang may relasyon kami.

Now or never.

"My love..." I said in a soft voice. Naiiyak na ako agad, tangina! "I-i'm sorry," My voice broke and he turned his full attention to me and wiped the few tears that had escaped from my eye. He gave me a small smile before kissing my forehead.

"What's wrong, hmm? Why are you saying sorry, Aurelia?"

I took another deep breath, "It's just that... I made a mistake..." It was really hard to say it without stopping. Tuluyang tumulo na kasi ang mga luha at nahihirapan na akong mag salita.

"What mistake?" He asked while looking at me intently. "Do you regret being in a relationship with me?" Agad naman akong umiling sa kanya.

Our relationship was already perfect, not until I cheated. His love for me was consistent and I never had to talk to him about what I disliked about a scenario because before I even confronted him about it, he was already thinking of ways to make it up to me.

Honestly, I don't deserve him. I don't deserve this kind of love because I was not content with it. I craved someone else while he was giving it all to me.

Alam ko rin sa sarili ko na ginusto ko ang nangyari. Kasi iba pa rin ang pakiramdam pag si Ravi na ang kasama ko. I guess I like him too? Or maybe he just was the thrill in my life that I was longing to have.

"Your love was amazing. You made me feel that I was worth it to be loved. Nagawa mong kuhanin ang atensyon ko at pinaniwala sa akin na may chance pa rin akong magmahal," I said as I was crying like a river. He didn't speak, he was waiting for me to continue talking.

"But I chose to make a mistake that would hurt you sooner if I'm not going to tell you right now," I said. "I... cheated on you, with... Ravi."

Shit, I finally said it.

I was looking at his expression and he wasn't even surprised and was just looking at me with a blank expression before he weakly smiled. "I know...." He replied bago pumatak ang kanyang luha. He was already trying to stop from tearing up kanina, but now he failed.

By the looks of his eyes, it really hurt. I can't imagine how much pain he's going to deal with after tonight. I want to kiss him, hug him, and tell him that all of this wasn't true... pero hindi pwede. I have to own up the mistake I committed.

"I already know that something was bothering you. I knew that Ravi loves you. I know that he was the one missing in your life," He said while holding my face. Parehas na kami ngayong umiiyak dahil sa bigat ng nararamdaman namin parehas.

"I'm really sorry, Gabe," I said sadly and he still smiled even though it hurt before looking at me and gave me a long hug. We stayed like that for a few minutes bago siya humiwalay.

"I want you to be happy, Lia. I want you to be with him without any hindrance," He said. I just looked away because I know na labag sa loob niya na sinabi 'yon.

"I'm really sorry because I hurt you," I said before standing up. Tumayo din siya at hinawakan ang mga kamay ko. "Remember, don't blame yourself, okay? You should hate and blame me instead. Your feelings would be valid. So, let's end this?" I asked and he looked at my face first before slowly nodding.

"I will always love you, Lia. I hope that you know that you will always mean something to me, or mean more to me. Even though I don't mean to you anymore," He said before leaning towards me and kissed me. It was long, because he knows that this will be our last kiss.

"Take care of yourself, my love."

'Yan ang huling sinabi niya sa akin bago ako ihatid palabas ng kanilang bahay. I drove off to an abandoned park and turned off my engine. Hindi naman ako lumabas ng kotse dahil umiyak na ako.

Habang umiiyak ako ay nag ring ang aking telepono, it was Harvey.

I wiped my tears before clearing my throat and answered, "Hello?" My voice was raspy, kanina pa kasi ako umiiyak at nahihirapan huminga.

[I know that this is a wrong time but Ravi was having suicidal thoughts earlier. He said that he regrets telling you his feelings because it will ruin your relationship. Alam kong selfish 'to pero pwede ba na puntahan mo siya? Hindi namin kaya na makitang tapusin niya ang buhay niya.]

Nagalala naman ako agad, he can't die! I like him too, kaya hindi pwedeng mamatay siya ngayon. I already did so many things just to be with him and I am not risking to not go to him because this might be his last day.

Kailangan ko siyang puntahan.

"Okay, just text me the location."

When I received the message from Harvey that said that Ravi was drinking at a bar I was quick to drive to go to him. Even though I just broke up with Gabe, that won't lessen my care for Ravi.

When I arrived, I saw him already drunk and looking so sad. I sighed before walking towards him. Nang makita niya ako nagulat siya before he poured himself another glass at bago niya 'yon lagukin, inagaw ko 'yon sa kanya at ininom.

He is already intoxicated enough, and drinking wont solve his fucking problems!

"What are you doing here, Lia? Aren't you supposed to be with your perfect little boyfriend that was practically sculpted by God?" He said sarcastically and scoffed.

I smiled weakly and sat beside him and ran my fingers through his hair and he groaned before taking my hand and placed it on his cheeks. Good Lord, I would always want to feel his warm cheeks.

"He treats me so well, Ravi," I told him at binitawan niya naman ang kamay ko at umiling.

"Good for you, Lia. You deserve him—"

"But he's not you," I cut him off. He looked back at my face and he was already tearing up. I gave him a warm smile and kissed his forehead.

"He treats me so well but he's not you. It's always different kapag ikaw ang kapiling ko. Some part of me feels so empty kapag wala ka, Ravi. I just realized that when you told me that you love me." I smiled before he pulled me in for a kiss.

A passionate one. The kiss I was waiting for.

Even though I broke someone's heart, that doesn't mean that I'll be single forever. Yeah, I was shit but with me and Ravi colliding, it feels like I belong to him.

"You're mine, I'm yours?" He asked while we were in the car. Umiling naman ako sa kanya at kumunot naman ang noo niya.

"Not so fast, Ravi. But... I'm going to tell you that we will end up together. But not now. Kakatapos pa lang ng break up namin ni Gabe and I don't want you to feel like a rebound, okay?" I assured him and he smiled before nodding.

Hinatid ko siya sa bahay nila and he looked at me before stroking my forearm with his fingertips.

"You're my doctor and I am your patient, right?" He asked.

"Yes," I nodded.

"Then be my singer and I'll be your guitarist."

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:p