You have no idea, do you?

"Reading must be sooo relaxing."

"Ugg, she's reading again."

"I wish I liked to read."

"Wow, she never has a bad day. Maybe it's because she reads so much."

"Stop watching Netflix!"

"She's so calm. Her life must be so much better than mine. She's always happy."

"Why is she reading? She needs to pay attention in class...."

"Doctor who and all those book you are reading must make you so smart... i think i'll join you."

You don't understand. You have never felt our pain. You want to know what it's like to be a fangirl? Ok. But i warn you...

You meet this person. You watch them grow up, have fun, go through impossible things. You know everything about them. They're like your best friend, or even a lover. You know all their secrets, their crushes, their best friends. But they don't know you exist...

These "friends", these "loved ones", they go through so much crap. They watch their family die... they get hurt again and again... and sometimes... you watch the ones you love die, and you can't do anything. You scream. You cry. You cuss at the gods (the writers) for doing this. you listen to their friends scream, you call out to them, but they can't hear you. no one, can hear you. You don't exist. You are a ghost, in love with someone who can't see you. Who needs your help. But you can't do anything. All you can do is scream and cry, hoping someone will notice you. But they don't. And the one you care about is dead.

You watch their family as they go through the pain and crap of losing the one they love. You care for all of them, and hate what happens. Maybe the sibling turns evil. Maybe the best friend kills them self... and you go through the pain of another one lost. Eventually, things turn out ok.... sometimes.

You wake up. The book is done. The season is over. You are in pain, but you smile.You are screaming, but you laugh. You learn to hide the pain. Because if you let the pain out...

"OMG, they are not real!"

"Shut up no one cares!"

"It is just. a. book."

"That b**ch is crazy."

"Are you on your period?"

So you smile. You laugh. You pretend like you're fine. No one understands. Not really. But... there are some who understand better than most. The fans. They have been through the pain. They help you through it. You spend all your time on the computer, talking to strangers 1000's of miles away. And yet...

"Get off the computer!"

"You never talk to us. Watch TV with us like a family."

"Why are you always on your phone?"

Family? Really? Like they care. You try to talk to them, but they just don't listen. The fans are more of a family than they are, and you don't even know them. Family becomes just a word. So what do you do? You pick up a new book...start a new show. You stop crying for a while... the new BFF make you happy... then... the cycle starts again. Hundreds of lives, stories. Thousands of deaths... you are not calm. You are insane. But...

...you keep smiling.