"If you don't eat your dinner, daddy and I are going and not coming back! You made mummy sad!"

"No, mummy, no sad!"

"Okay... But you better finish it all. We'll know if you don't and we won't be happy, daddy and I!"

..............

I witnessed this and I came very, very close to punching something. Anything. I was livid. I was... incredulous?

A little boy not even four. Facing in his immature mind the prospective loss of both his parents and the idea HE had somehow made his mother "sad". He doesn't know she's bluffing! He can't distinguish between an empty threat and a real one- to him ALL threats are real. Damn it woman!

I hate guilt.

Yet it is the most oft-used weapon in an adult's arsenal in a face-off with a child... resulting from an oft unrelated 'bad day'. Easy: Hit an emotional chord and you will be heard. That's how it plays out. I keep repeating: Kids are not 'born' bad... yet YOU the one they trust the most... you make them believe they are bad. And not only that, you tell them they "hurt you".

I want to say, every time I hear a guilt-inducing threat by a parent: "You are creating long-term repercussions each time you place your child in this emotional state!"

"No TV till after blah blah blah"  (Insert any short-term parental goal here) I am very upset because you didn't do as I asked!" Or "If you don't blah blah, then blah blah will happen and I will be very unhappy. You don't want mummy to be unhappy, do you?" Or... "I'll tell your dad! See how you like it then; upsetting me like this and disappointing him!"

Fuck. There are ways to deal with whatever the "blah blah" is without dumping a pile of guilt- which in turn... makes it an acceptable weapon for the child to use himself down the track- hey, it worked for them, right?

Wrong.

Because it follows the child into adulthood and... gets carried forth in turn without the child having a choice. It's all they've known and received. Like some weird baton relay, they pass it on. The logic- that guilt produces results unattainable ANY other way is... illogical at best and highly injurious at worst.

Yet THIS is what you are teaching your kids: Guilt is okay to inflict- to get your way, short-term.

They tell you to "Chastise the act, not the person." Sound advice. (Though I do have a problem with the chastise part because... to a young mind, chastisement without a sound understanding of what it is- again, it is more for the benefit of the parent, not the child.) The parent feels good. They did the right thing. Discipline is important, after all, as is obedience- especially when in the presence of witnesses.

Fuck that too.

Because we often (aware of the above) abuse it by... having two faces: The public one which defends our child if others dare chastise it: "He didn't mean it, he's never done anything like this before, it's kinder; he's copying other kids!" And... the private one, where we get to then say: "You upset me today. You were a bad boy and you made mummy sad!"

What? (So... it's okay to be one way in public and another in private.) What?

We say things in the moment and forget them. We, with the adult brains and the adult common sense and the adult "I know better, so don't even try," we get exasperated, over-tired, stressed... and the relief to all our frustrations seems simple: Threaten, get the job done as quickly as possible, move on.

WE get to move on, sure. Young minds however have to contend with... the aftermath: Fear. Insecurity. Guilt.

Is it worth it? Loading up this immature mind with concepts it cannot process for the empty threats they are? Is it really worth it?

I saw fear in the little boy's eyes. And confusion. And... REAL sadness.

I wondered: How many times had similar threats been made as in the example above; really, I was trying to calculate how much guilt this little boy was already carrying.

The mother made a desperate, last-minute attempt to regain power over the child in order to accomplish her agenda: Not be late for dinner out and have to admit to 'problems at home'. Threats to him- like "No TV unless," or "No this and that until..." had obviously ceased having effect, so the trump-card was played: "Look what you did to me!"

Listen up parents: Before you reach that place, try a different direction. I get your anger and frustration and angst - the fact you are feeling like a failure as a parent (and this, mostly because you have been/will be 'exposed' publicly) - else why would you need to resort to... that? And.

You are not fucking sad! You are late for your dinner out because one of your children decided to "act up" and mess up your schedule. You are angry because you are not being listened to. You are too tired to have to deal with that new mess. You are anything but sad! Don't. Don't lie to your children. Don't load them up with lies they interpret as truths- unable to distinguish a real threat from a fake one, a real emotion from a fake one. Don't bloody make sad or hurt faces, most of all! They leave emotional imprints- like slaps to the heart instead of the cheek!

It's a low blow.

Because the minute you walk out that door, you've forgotten what you said. You take a deep breath, finally free, and go on to dinner and enjoying your night out. But what mess have you left behind, huh? The real sadness was in your child's eyes: That little boy believed he'd made his mother "sad". A state of being HE understood perfectly since it was induced in him by your words! Words he believed and words which followed him to a troubled sleep... because you are his mother and he loves you and no way would he intentionally hurt you or make you "sad"!

Children: I am sorry. I wish I could remove the burdens you believe you carry; the threats, the guilt following suit... they are affecting you in yet-unimaginable ways. The pain of the moments aside, you will never quite feel secure again. Nor burden-free.

Unless.

You cast a glance back at your early childhood and on to your teenage years and 'see' that in fact you were NOT responsible for your mother's sadness or your father's frustration or your grandmother's angst. The guilt you've been carrying (and may continue to carry beyond familial graves) was fake for the most part. I am talking here of a 'normal' upbringing in 'suburbia'... there are of course genuine reasons for carrying guilt- if one was truly responsible for causing emotional harm in others as they matured.

(How I am to believe that an almost 4yo can actually cause emotional harm in another though  - especially its primary care-giver - is beyond my comprehension.)

You weren't "bad" when you were little. You didn't know what "bad" meant- it was mostly trial and error, a game of Russian Roulette on your part. The same act could be either defended or else you chastised via threats because of it.

Parents will say anything some moments. Anything to end whatever impasse is between you because... they have to win. Or because they fear public chastisement of them. They are the parents. (Just as you will throw anything back, in turn, once comprehension sets in and you become their equal. Guilt - you have seen and felt first-hand - produces quicker results than threats.) 

Don't perpetuate this ugly thing! Don't spread it to others and in particular, your children. Let them grow safe in the knowledge they are safe. They are good. They are blameless for whatever else is going on that has resulted in the impasse. Or the public threat to their status as parents.

Running late? Over-tired? Financially stressed? Emotionally exposed? There are myriad reasons for reacting to a minor "blah blah" from your child(not wanting to eat or eating too slowly or being 'clingy' and making you late) with such vile - yet empty, and  therefore to you, inconsequential - threats. To anybody really.

They aren't quite so 'empty' to the recipient. They weigh a fucking ton over time!