...With Daily Apologies
The fact of the matter is that my thoughts were NOT settled when I woke up the next day. Nor were they settled the next next day. Or the one after that. Instead, I've been filling pages with tales of hatred and pain. Do not confuse this with love. You know what love is now! And... maybe something is different now with him, but there's still been no actual admittance of wrongdoing. Stand your ground. Do not fall in love without a mutual exchange of apologies. In fact! Don't even entertain the possibility of a friendship without it! That's my goal. We don't just get to pretend none of it happened.
One morning just like any other, I wake up. I can't decide whether I want Western or Japanese style breakfast, so I flip a coin. Western it is. Soon the scent of cooking waffle batter wafts throughout my house. I flick the bottle of syrup open and inhale deeply. The intoxicatingly sweet aroma informs me that this was the right choice. I pour an excessive amount over the top and dig in. I need to go to the market. I'm nearly out of eggs, and some extra flour would be nice.
Once I finish eating, I take care of myself. I suppress the part of myself that doesn't like showers for the sake of hygiene. Then, to reward myself for that bold act of courage, I put on my favorite outfit and do my hair in a milkmaid braid. Yep. That's it. You don't have to let the insecure thoughts win. You're not an ugly hag. People don't think you're an ugly hag. Actually, yeah, you do look kind of cute today! And anyway, if anyone DOES think you're an ugly hag, you're an ugly hag who can totally kick some ass. Just ask Komaru.
After that pep talk, I take a deep breath and step outside. Time to go to the store. Except... I immediately find a letter resting on my front porch. My tragedy instincts tell me it might be dangerous, so I tentatively flip it over with a delicate hand. The envelope is addressed to me in handwriting I'm absolutely familiar with. My heart starts to race with possibility.
Eiko,
I'm sure that, if you know anything about me, it's that I don't do things halfway. I strive to do things perfectly all the time, and that means taking initiative to make things happen. I hope you don't find this too unappealing. I swear I didn't stalk you. I wouldn't lower myself so. I merely asked Makoto for your address.
Here's how this is going to work. There are certain regrettable actions I performed whilst interacting with you. It is my desire to make amends. However, I do not simply wish to give a general, half-hearted "sorry for everything." So, instead, I will apologize for one thing a day. Yes, grueling, I know. Because there are many things to apologize for. Even so, I feel this must be done.
Today, I am sorry that I broke our promise and told the others that you were Genocide Jack. That action lacked integrity, and I betrayed your trust.
Byakuya Togami
I hold the letter in my shaky hands. W-Wow. Wow! I run my fingers against the lettering. Ah, he pressed hard on the page! The stationery is high-quality, and he obviously used a fancy fountain pen! Maybe the ink is Pilot Irushizuku! God, I'm such a nerd, getting all worked up over what kind of ink he may have used. Not like it matters.
I rush inside and get MY nicest stationery and fountain pen.
Byakuya,
I appreciate the apology. I was hurt when you did that, but in hindsight, it was probably the right thing to do. If you hadn't, Jill probably would've killed you eventually. Even so, the fact that you feel remorse for sharing my secret comforts me.
Allow me to join you in the daily apologies. Today, I am sorry for all those times I actually physically chased after you. That must've been pretty atrocious.
Eiko Fukawa
I snatch up an envelope and carefully slide the letter in. Byakuya... wouldn't want stickers slapped all over the envelope, right? Yeah. He's too strict for that. But I do have a wax seal, and that's pretty damn cool. And it goes with the whole aesthetic. Hell yeah. I go about my day as normal, including going to the market, and then, before I go to sleep, I place the envelope gingerly on the porch.
The next morning, I put effort into not immediately rushing outside to check for another letter. Get ready first, Eiko. So I do. Quickly. Because my impulse control has never been particularly strong. But still. Better than zooming out in my pajamas. I giggle delightedly to find my letter for him gone and replaced by a new one.
Eiko,
Today I apologize for abusing the power I knew I had over you. For example, whenever your chattering would annoy me, I knew I could merely say the word and you would refuse to speak until given further command. That was a disgusting violation of human rights, essentially, even if you "obeyed" willingly. Ugh, this is so weird. Excuse me for momentarily dropping the formality. Just... ugh.
Byakuya Togami
I'm overtaken by gross memories as I think back on all those times. But hey. At least I can try to put them behind me. Since then, I've felt more liberated than I have in my whole life. Taking missions with the Future Foundation. Making a friend or two. Who knew that all I needed to be happy was the ruination of the world? Kidding, of course, though it's scary how accurate that conclusion would be if I wanted to write a horror story. Regardless, the apology is a bit of a relief. I hop into my cozy desk chair and get started.
Byakuya,
Yeaaaaaah, that was weird. In a similar disturbing vein, I'm sorry for all the times I objectified you and used you in my delusions. Definitely never doing that with a real person ever again. Talk about human rights violations.
Eiko Fukawa
As the days tick by, more and more apologies get shared. Apologies for the insults. For the intrusive questions. For him talking shit about me to our friends. For me never giving him any personal space. Over time, I stop caring about the vibe and just smack a gajillion stickers onto the envelopes. In an attempt to match my silliness, he, in turn, starts drawing little sketches of himself making weird faces on the letters. I honestly never thought I'd see the day when Byakuya goofs off.
Eventually, I start trying to catch him out there, waking up in the middle of the night. But it seems like he comes at random times throughout the night, never exactly consistent. I'm simultaneously annoyed and also kind of excited. It's like a challenge! And Eiko Fukawa never backs down from a challenge.
When I fill in Komaru on what's been happening, she isn't as immediately sympathetic to my plight as I hoped. She finds my pursuit a waste of time. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it. There's no need to meet him if you're just gonna write letters," she tells me. But she doesn't get it. It's the principle of the thing!
"At this point, it's practically a game! And it's a game I've gotta win!" I inform her.
She sighs. "Fiiiiiiine. That makes sense. Jeez, you sure know how to get me on your side."
"I knew you couldn't deny me! You love games! And hey, you rubbed off on me, I guess."
"Why not just... like, pull an all-nighter or something? Y'know, wait him out? You have that porch swing," she suggests.
"Komaru, you're brilliant!"
"I know!" she winks smugly.
So that night, I brew myself some Ceylon tea and settle into the swing, with a notebook and a reading light so that I can get some work done. Also, many warm blankets, because it's still winter. It's relatively quiet and peaceful where I live; too much distracting background noise makes it difficult to stay focused on writing. But the gentle breeze whooshing softly is relaxing. After a few hours of writing, I decide to take a break and just enjoy the sounds. Close my eyes a bit. Snuggle up.
"What the hell are you doing?!"
My eyes fly open. Damn, I must've fallen asleep!
"I was w-waiting for y-you, obviously! I had to win!" I explain groggily.
"Eiko, this isn't safe! First of all, you could get sick in weather like this. Second, you have literally no protection! What if, instead of me, someone dangerous found you?!" he scolds forcefully.
I blink, still not fully alert. "Today, I apologize for scaring you," I smile.
He pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Why is it that you're so intelligent, but you don't have enough common sense to stay inside where you're secure behind locked doors?"
"Do you forgive me?"
He sighs. "Be more careful, okay?"
"Okay. I just wanted to catch you one time. Do you want coffee?"
"Eiko, it's three in the morning," he points out, beckoning me to scootch over. I do so, and he sits down beside me. "So, why, exactly, were you so keen on catching me?"
"Cause I don't think we n-need to do this anymore. I think we've apologized for j-just about everything. Now it's just the stupid stuff that never m-mattered. I think it's safe to say we forgive each other. And even so, I also kinda w-wanted to tell you I'm sorry to your face. It seemed like a fitting conclusion. So, I'm sorry, Byakuya. For everything I did back when we were dumb kids."
"I'm... ugh, this is significantly harder in person."
"Pfft, what? Are you expecting that I'm gonna think l-less of you or something? Apologies don't make you unrefined or anything like that."
He takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Eiko. For everything."
I give him a soft pat on the shoulder. "Good job."
"Don't condescend," he smirks.
"Heheh, what? C-Can't stand to think that I'm better than you at something?" I tease, nudging into him. He nudges back. "No, b-but seriously. Want coffee?"
"Fine. I guess I'm starting the day at three," he gives in. "But you'd better not give me something low-quality."
"Yes, your highness," I roll my eyes before standing up to let him inside.
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