A woman's beauty is not in her features, the shade of her skin or her possessions.True beauty is in her heart, in her imaan(faith), her Taqwa and her love for her deen ( religion).So few men understand this.Even fewer woman do.

Sanam's POV

The guy standing at the doorway wasn't expecting me apparently for he had surprise plastered on every inch of his face.My situation was similar too for never in my dreams I imagined getting married or even meeting this person who mastered the art of making me nervous.As Dr.Younus took fine steps to proceed towards the grand hall he was halted by a heavy voice.

"Assalamualaikum son! So good to have you home. May Allah bless you with a healthy life and a lovely wife." Father and son embraced each other making everyone turn heads to witness the immense love Dr.Yasser had for his son.After their display of affection and exchanging smiles,Dr.Younus excused himself.It was probably to get refreshed as his face reflected a busy day.

All this while,in my heart was echoing a silent whisper trying to be heard amidst all the noises of the gossiping crowd.That voice so true, kept asking me if I was ready for all this, if agreeing to meet this person was a sane decision.Deep down I knew, there were voices unheard and emotions imprisoned.That voice which was buried alive in the coffin of my heart the moment I agreed to the idea of commitment.

Our host spotted his unusual guest and marched towards us.
"Assalamualaikum Sanam! A warm welcome to my home.How have you been doing?" Dr.Yasser vocalised.

I replied to his salaam and smiled in return for this question seemed more difficult than the course of the cranial nerves.Mikael who looked as much nervous as me breathed a sigh as he greeted this gem of a person.Dr.Yasser Abdullah was known to be a kind and humble human.Mom and my sisters gave him salaams too.I excused myself as I needed some air.I softly gestured mom that I needed to use the loo.

Dr.Yasser beemed like a kid whose birthday wish had been fulfilled.This party was nothing like cliché birthday parties. It was a modest gathering with good food and welcoming hosts.There was no drinking crowd, no blazing music or couple dance.It was more like a high class business meet with a bit of extaravagance.As a girl who never frequented parties I was my usual awkward self.Nothing from the decorated hall to the golden chandelier appealed to me.Inspite of its brightness the house appeared more like a five star hospital,cold and dull.Inhabitation by males might have been the reason behind its lack of feminine touch.

I headed towards the garden which I felt would probably help uncloud my mind.It was more like an ordinary house garden but what caught my attention was a sound of someone hitting a punchbag.There was a crushed boquet of roses lying outside a room which had an open window.Only an insane person could do such a thing to a lovely flower that blossoms and emits mesmerising fragrance.

"Excuse me young lady! If Iam not wrong you must be Miss Sanam.My master and your mother has been looking for you." It was a middle aged butler.I followed him but curiosity was killing me.

"Can I ask you something? Who had thrown away this beautiful bouquet?" I enquired placing the tiny red petals in my hand.

"Ohh that must be junior master.He kinda dislikes roses and anything which reminds him of. ..OOPS I gotta go,"The man trailed off leaving his sentence incomplete.

I strolled in without any further thoughts which could delay me and give mom a reason to start her infamous lectures.I reached there only to find her engrossed in a deep conversation with a lady.On close observation I identified her to be Dr.Zoya Ahmer.As I got closer she excused herself and mom's attention was on me.

"Where have you been Sanam?We have come here for your purpose and looks like you are avoiding people again,"mom scolded.I mumbled a sorry and adjusted my hijab as Dr.Yasser was advancing towards us with his son trailing behind.Rest of the guests who had been busy all this while turned towards our side.It was like this was some climax scene of a boring movie and you are suddenly interested to know what's gonna happen.

"Well my dear Sanam ! This is my son, Younus Abdullah.I believe you have already met him?"He asked directing the question to me.That moment I really wanted to wear an invisible cloak. I never mentioned to mom that I worked in his health centre when he was out of town and his son was looking after it.I nodded in affirmative earning a death stare from mom.

"The moment sister Umaima told me that your daughter was Sanam, I agreed to the proposal.I had already heard about her from my friend, Dr.Ahmer Hussein."

Dr.Yasser was beaming with happiness and the rest of the crowd looked even more curious. He twisted towards his right giving a toothy grin to his son who stood there with unreadable expressions.

"Sanam is a girl I always wished for my son.Though I don't have a daughter I pray that she become my daughter in law inshallah.I would not ask you to answer immediately sister Huma.You can take your own time but don't delay it much cause I am dying to get my son married to your girl,"Dr.Yasser continued.Mom was listening attentively to each and every word in his speech and her mind was never readable.

"That is extremely nice of you to speak so high of my daughter. Iam delighted to learn that you hold such an esteemed opinion of her.It was pleasure meeting you as I have heard a lot about your humble persona from Aunt Umaima.I know Sanam would need some time to answer you but hopefully inshaAllah it would be a yes from our side," mom replied as I stood there giddily,holding Shaila's hand.It was as though I was in a parched desert and the only source of water which was my hope was just a mirage,It never existed.Mom refusing this proposal or delaying her decision was my only hope to escape this.

That moment I neither felt despondent nor happy.I didn't know what I actually wanted.I just wished to live with my mom and my loving family forever.But now I felt like that forever was just a dream which would never come true if I wanted to fulfill my mother's wish.I needed to accept the fact that we need to lose some things in order to gain others . Though it is crucial to understand what is worth losing and the risks that are worth taking.But one thing that I learnt is - marriage is a life crisis that is inevitable.

Dr.Younus didn't speak a word in the entire conversation.He was heard to have had a few words with Mikael during dinner time.I was relieved partly cause I was in no state of mind to talk to him, my internal conflict was the only thing I could concentrate on.My entire family looked totally pleased with this meeting. .

We got home just before midnight.Throughout our ride, Urwa kept blabbering about how good looking Younus was and how lucky I would be if I become a daughter in law for Abdullah family.For a fact I never wished for a good looking partner.Whenever the marriage thing was coerced onto me I would imagine myself with someone who was hardworking, intelligent,simple and caring.Someone who would make me fall in love with Allah even more every single day.Even though deep down a Disney Princess in me wanted a prince charming I understood long back that looks have a shorter life and it is the character that is going to be with you forever.If I don't want anyone to judge me for my looks I shouldn't let it into consideration either.

Three long hours at this place did tire me as though I had worked all through the day.My family was still discussing the Abdullah's party but I decided to sleep. Tomorrow was going to be my first day of third year which meant I needed a good night's sleep.

******

Quote from the Holy Qur'an: Al-Muzzammil (73:6)

إِنَّ نَاشِئَةَ اللَّيْلِ هِيَ أَشَدُّ وَطْئًا وَأَقْوَمُ قِيلًا

Inna nashiata allayli hiya ashaddu watan waaqwamu qeelan

Truly the rising by night is most potent for governing (the soul), and most suitable for (framing) the Word (of Prayer and Praise).

I got up just minutes before the time for fajr would end.The meeting left my mind in a terrible state and I kept making duas and wallowed in my bed until 1am.When I realised I should pray istikhara it was 2am.

Witnessing the dawn and the cool breeze swaying its way into my room I stayed in a trance after salaah.I needed strength before making a giant leap.When I felt like reading the Quran I came across a wonderful ayah

Surah Al-Anfal, Verse 30:

وَيَمْكُرُونَ وَيَمْكُرُ اللَّهُ وَاللَّهُ خَيْرُ الْمَاكِرِينَ

They devised plans and Allah too had arranged a plan; and Allah is the best of planners.

I knew I should leave everything upto Allah but I have a bad habit of fretting over the nebulous future.As human, I tend to become very complacent about life.

Sometimes I feel it would have been much better if I had the habit of taking things on a lighter note.Overthinking does kill the positivity in our minds.The cool breeze from the glass window didn't help me normalise either.Mom didn't ask me anything last night but I knew she won't wait for long.

There was nothing wrong in Younus Abdullah. If I analyse facts fairly,he had always been nice to me.He was a good physician and very successful at such a young age.The fact that impressed me was Dr.Yasser chose me for my personality and not for my looks or money.Women, in general are always scrutinised or criticised for their looks.This always led me to think I was not good enough as I constantly compared myself with others.Had he taken my looks into consideration I would never be a fair match to his handsome son.

"Sanam, Come down for the breakfast!" Mom ordered.I took slow steps to the dining room knowing that mom would be waiting for my answer.

"Salaam Sanam! Iam leaving for uni.Please pray for me," Shaila requested.

Shaila and Mikael were leaving early today as it was Shaila's first day in university.She got admission in aeronautical engineering in the same university as Mikael.I had to drop Urwa today as she had extra classes in her senior year.I still can't believe how time passes in a flash.There were days when I would think when would my sisters start their higher studies and today as Shaila was one step nearer to her dream I realised that Allah has the power over every little thing.We just need to keep praying and wait for one day things will happen and you will know that it was worth waiting.

"Assalamualaikum mom! I don't feel like eating now.Can I eat something from the cafeteria? "I pouted,buttoning my abaya.

"Walaikumsalam Sanam! I know the reason for your anorexia.Let me make one thing clear to you.Iam not going to force my decision on you.Do whatever you feel is right.But remember one thing, there are very few people though very religious who value your character rather than your beauty or posessions." Mom had a grave expression on her face and her tone depicted seriousness.

"You know when Allah loves someone, he places the love for that person in the hearts of other people.Just keep praying and asking for his love and leave everything upto him, He knows what is best for you," mom continued as she poured fresh juice in the crystal mug.I tried to smile at her soothing words.Without any tantrums, I drank a glass of the mixed fruit juice.Mom hated the idea of skipping breakfast and she would start a series of lectures on diet and health if I argued further.

********

Medical school didn't seem any different today.The same old pupils and the same campus, the only difference was that I was promoted to the clinical side of medicine.Naila was waiting for me in the parking area.

"Sanam, Oh my Allah! Iam seeing you after so many weeks," Naila chanted engulfing me in a tight hug.

"Salaam Naila! Yeah it's been a month since we met.How were your holidays? "I enquired.That way our journey from parking lot to the classroom was filled with tales of her visit to Canada.

The posting schedule for clinics was in the office.Each batch of students were to have their respective posting orders and meet up the professors today.Unfortunately Naila was posted in ophthalmology and I was left alone like always.

"Who else is posted in community medicine?" Questioned a guy.I turned sideways to the source of voice. Shehriyaar was standing there leaning on Shiraz.

"Errmm..me...Iam also posted in community medicine, " I said hesitatingly.I hated the fact that you always have the same group of students in your clinical posting which is designed according to your registration number.Shehriyaar smirked at me raising his brow.I rolled my eyes in return and started checking the list to find out the girls who would be my company.Out of seven members who were posted, two were guys and excluding me there were four more girls.

"Hello Miss Nerdy! Already started studying for the third year too?"Yumna taunted.I didn't know why she always disliked liked me.Perhaps she never tried to understand me.She would always disturb me in the clinics and also in classroom where she would giggle with her gang.

"Assalamualaikum Yumna.Good luck for a new year," I replied. Mom always taught me that you shouldn't let anyone affect your goodness or manners.Nothing is as good as a human who is kind to even his enemies. I would never understand this point earlier but with age I realised her every word is of gold.Just like her, precious and beautiful.

My community medicine professor summoned us to assemble in the lecture hall for a brief introduction on the subject.The dilemma of the proposal was pricking me every now and then.Even though I tried to immerse myself with this new semester, I was failing terribly.The professor introduced himself as Dr.Isaac.He didn't like the idea of guys and girls sitting apart with a distance.He said he didn't believe in gender segregation and we are all doctors first.He made every girl sit with a guy.To my horror, my company was Mr.Shiraz.He didn't talk anything other than a salaam which I returned casually.

His presence reminded me of Younus Abdullah.I didn't knew his answer.He didn't talk anything related to the proposal with Mikael either.I really wanted to know if he was agreeing with his dad.But then Dr.Yasser wouldn't have conveyed a yes if his son never agreed.God! What have I got myself into?

"You! Miss, can you please repeat the vaccinations required for a neonate?"Dr.Isaac questioned breaking my vale of thoughts.I hardly listened to anything other than his name.This was the first time I was inattentive to a lecture all thanks to mom and her marriage idea.I became conscious as there were several eyes on me who were awaiting the answer of a girl who would be the first one to answer most of the time.

My palms became sweaty and my eyes wouldn't leave the bench.As Dr.Isaac repeated the question with an angry look, someone placed a paper in my hand.In that tough moment I realized it was Shiraz who had written the answer to my question.As our professor looked into his laptop for something,I quickly studied the answer from the paper and and replied to my professor.He looked surprised as he was not expecting any answer from an inattentive pupil.Rest of the class I tried as much possible not to lose my concentration.

After the class I waited until everyone left as I wanted to thank Shiraz who was helping a friend with his doubts regarding today's class.He looked quite surprised when he came to my bench to pick up his bag.Perhaps he wasn't expecting me to wait.

"Jazakallahu khairan for helping me today.I kind of zoned out for a while." He gave a smile, a true one in return to my thanks.

"It's fine.I noticed you were not present mentally in the class.Apparently something is bothering you?"He enquired."Noo! It's nothing major.I was just tensed as it was the first day of third year, "I retorted.He didn't seem to buy my excuse but he left with an ok.

How could I tell him about my dazed emotions and unanswered questions when I had hidden it from my best friend.I needed time to dwell on these, to unfold my response to the nagging question, to open the door to the yearnings I carry within myself-perhaps locked away, surfacing now and then as I hear the word marriage.I didn't wanted to jump to a quick answer for sometimes there are answers somewhere below that could be more right.

*******

On returning home I prayed asr salah, beseeching Allah to guide me to a decision best for me.Mom wasn't home as she had gone to a funeral.Like a brave woman, she never hesitates to attend any funerals and give condolences.She says that it keeps reminding her that we are not going to be in this world forever.

"Assalamualaikum Sanam! Did you had anything for lunch?" Shaila enquired placing a tray of grilled sandwiches and hot chocolate.

"Walaikumsalam Shaila.I didn't feel like eating this afternoon so I skipped lunch but your sandwiches are making me hungry." She chuckled at my reply and took a seat around the coffee table.Sometimes I really wonder how life would have been incomplete and boring without a caring sister.She cleared her throat as if she wanted to say something.

"Verily,Allah knows what is in your heart and he knows what is best for you.Trust him and take the big decision," Shaila suggested.I hugged my little sister whose advice never fails to amuse me.Rest of our conversation was about Shaila's first day in her university.Her words did help me to some extent and I didn't torture my brain any more.I read more Quran than usual, made a lot of dua and slept.

Quote from the Holy Qur'an: Hud (11:123)

وَلِلَّهِ غَيْبُ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضِ وَإِلَيْهِ يُرْجَعُ الْأَمْرُ كُلُّهُ فَاعْبُدْهُ وَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَيْهِ ۚ وَمَا رَبُّكَ بِغَافِلٍ عَمَّا تَعْمَلُونَ

Walillahi ghaybu alssamawati waalardi wailayhi yurjaAAu alamru kulluhu faoAAbudhu watawakkal AAalayhi wama rabbuka bighafilin AAamma taAAmaloona

To Allah do belong the unseen (secrets) of the heavens and the earth, and to Him goeth back every affair (for decision): then worship Him, and put thy trust in Him: and thy Lord is not unmindful of aught that ye do.

*********

"Sanam,can I get in?" Mikael asked from behind my half closed door.I opened it to reveal my brother fully dressed for his university.

"Salaam sis, I need to talk to you for a while, " Mikael said, jumping on the bean bag.I made an angry face as I disliked the way he damaged my bean bag whenever he came to my room.He knew I hated it yet he does it on purpose to irk me.I mentally confessed that I still don't understand guys and I don't think I ever would.

"Actually I did some research on your match, Mr.Younus Abdullah.I am happy to hear that people like him and he doesn't have any bad records either.I guess he is a good match for you, " Mikael stated. I raised my brows at his revelation.

Having worked in the health centre for a fortnight under his vigilance I never got any negative vibes from him.I didn't learn much about him as he hardly interacted with the staff though I got to know that he was soft spoken and an excellent physician.I smiled vibrantly at my brother, patting his back like he was successful in his mission.He got up, pulled out my claw which was holding my hair in a bun and ran outside.He loved to annoy me whenever I'd be nice to him.

Mom was waiting for everyone on the breakfast table.She would never eat until each one of us arrives.Apart from the sounds of the clicking spoons there was a jagged silence.It looked like they wanted me to speak up, they were awaiting my answer.I took a deep breath and chanted bismillah.

"Well mom! I have thought a lot about the proposal and I believe Abdullah's are a great family.I didn't get any dream after praying istikhara but I dont have any ill feelings either so I think my answer is a YES."

***************

A / N

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