{ 7:55 pm }
a poem by moi

beyond the realms of purpose, I am here
and yet,
just between the sea breeze aura of midsummer, of indelible joy, my soul sifts
a weight upon my chest, heavy and immense
crushing every viable organ, eroding my sense
along with it, a mind so sheltered and distant,
so cold and distraught

every withering step I take,
is another simple misstep in fear,
as the boulder of doubt draws near
absorbing my weaknesses, feeding off of my dread
using them against me,
filling me with contempt
leaving me restless
leaving me devoid of any shred of emotional response, any outcry for human connection, for pleasurable contentment

but, oh, the agony of a vigilant night
ceiling as dark as my thoughts, no respite
but a call to the wild, you'd think it'd refill my might
tossing and turning, seeking solace from this relentless fight

everything's but a vain—
—attempt to calm the tidal abyss which has taken a turn for the worst
lost dreams, broken promises, haunting my brain
such a thing might just be catastrophic for this torturous pain

like the straightforward joys of childhood,
the infantile aspirations that a mind once proposed,
they too are fading in the gloom
the light of day never seeming to reveal their bloom
now there's empty houses to spare
with only strangers who were once there
and a parent's empty promise, creating another void in my fractured heart
keeping me awake
and ever slightly tearing me apart

I always say that I long for a sliver of what once was,
but hope eludes me, like a mere distant buzz
the moon witnesses my pain, silent and deathly frigid
as I wander through lost thoughts, weary and rigid

insecurities, be damned!

oh, this weight upon my chest,
unyielding,
incapable of rest,
crushing my spirit, unforgiving and incessant
and as I try to hold my candle to the flame,
it doesn't seem to want to light anymore—
why won't you light?
are you too, all burnt out?
how I wish the stars would align as they once did
and the trees would howl in the night's call of the wind
there'd be a flicker amidst it all
a flash of an instant
a blink although you might miss it scene
and you would be there
ever graciously
watching over me

but you never were
it was but a hallucination
a conjuring of a twisted mind
and I still linger
wanting
waiting
looking for a new way to cope

in each verse, I release this anguish I bear
transforming this elaborate torment into something resembling words
letting them flare
rather than rot
thinking that within the chaos
peace can arise
that it's all been a testament to resilience,
an ode to the skies
never fully knowing, that it'll never be seen

leaving me again
wanting
waiting
only this time I glean
and I write these words, my heart's lament,
to navigate the driftless
to find a fragment
knowing I'll forever be, in the depths of a hell stemming from my own creation
in the pits of despair, I search aimlessly for a voice
a solace for the soul
a chance to rejoice

whether it truly remains out there, just set in stone
or I shall remain, withering
turning from dust into bone
and back again
it's been an honorable journey
not really, I just want to go home.