Chapter 21 – Through Glass Lenses

I'm still trying to catch my breath when I appear in the next painting.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't my favourite hallucination, popping up again. I really need to tell my doctor to up my medicine," a lovely voice says before I can get my bearings and when I look up Tanya is smiling at me. I don't even know what to say.

A second time with Gustave and now a second time with Tanya. Why?

I look around her room and everything looks the same except for a new painting. It looks like someone took off their glasses and their cleaning one of the lenses but in the other one you can see Tanya standing by the window looking out at the snow falling on the city. I stare back at her. She still looks the same. She's still has the same short blond hair and piercing green eyes. She's wearing the same overalls though they appear to have more paint stains if that's even possible. And she's popping pills again. "How long has it been since we've last seen each other?" I ask her.

She answers me after swallowing her pills and water. "Oh, I don't know, about two weeks ago. You went all Abracadabra-POOF-disappear on me, it was quite unsettling. My hallucinations have never done that before," she says and goes back to her painting.

"That's because I'm not a hallucination," I tell her, following her.

"Sure, you're not a hallucination," and she winks at me theatrically, to show it's just a big joke to her. "You know, I didn't see you disappear the last time. I woke up the next morning and you were gone. And I went to see my therapist. We changed my pills."

Now I kind of feel bad. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. If you are a hallucination, you're a nice one so that's fine. And if you aren't a hallucinations and this curse thing is real, it's not your fault. It would be kind of nice actually. You've only been in famous paintings. It's nice to know I can compare to those," she narrows her eyes a bit, pensive, "A little intriguing too. I wonder how the curse picks the paintings."

It's a good question. "I wonder about that too," I tell her, and I do. Why all the pain? Why some moments of rest? Why Gustave? Why her? Is this curse trying to teach me something or is it just trying to make me suffer? Having some answers would be nice.

"Then again, what's the point in trying to make sense of something senseless like a hallucination."

"I'm real," I press.

"Yeah, you keep saying that but I'm not exactly in a position to believe you," she answers and chuckles a little.

"I'll prove it to you, what's the date today?"

She frowns, confused as to where I'm going with this. "February 15th."

"What year?"

She rolls her eyes and huffs. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, seriously."

"2012," she concedes.

2012. The thought is strange. I exist here. I really exist. Somewhere out there I'm probably in a lecture in college right now, living my life. "Okay yeah, that's good, that's about two years ago from me. I'm from 2014," I say, almost more to myself than to Tanya.

"I should seriously congratulate myself. My hallucinations have never been this entertaining. Usually it's all death, death, death, blood, death, binge-eat cookie dough, death," Tanya just rants away.

I'm not sure how to process this. On one hand, I want to prove her that I'm real, so we've got to do something, but on the other... maybe I should be talking with her. Maybe I'm still here because we have unfinished business. Maybe I'm supposed to help her and not the other way around. Still, to help her, I need to convince her I'm real.

"You're not hallucinating, this is real. I'm real. I can prove it to you. My name is Melody Orsay. I live in Seattle. Look for me on Facebook. Go on," I press.

She rolls her eyes but she complies and goes to her computer, looking for me.

I'm the only Melody Orsay so I'm easy to find. I scream "AH!" in victory when she clicks on my profile. "See, I'm real," I tell her all smug.

"That doesn't mean anything. Your last name is Orsay, like the museum. Maybe you're related to it or something and I saw your picture on a website when I was looking at art stuff and now I'm seeing you," she tries to convince herself.

"Call me."

"What?"

"Call me!" I grab her phone from the table and dial my number. I don't let her fight me or argue with me on this. I don't know why but I need her to believe me. I need her to know I'm real, to believe I'm real... because if I'm completely truthful, I'm not entirely sure I'm real at the moment either.

I put the phone on speaker. "You talk," I tell her while we wait for me to pick up.

And just like magic, me-from-2012 answers.

"Hello?" I sound a little worried. I would be. I don't like strange numbers on my caller ID. Who does?

I nudge Tanya to speak. "Oh, hi, I'm sorry, I think I might have misdialed, who's this?

"Melody Orsay," me-from-2012 answers. I raise both my fists up in the air victoriously and pump them.

"Oh, sorry, wrong number," Tanya tells me.

"No problem," young-me answers and then we all hang up.

Tanya looks at me, not convinced yet. "Do you remember having this conversation?"

I shrug. "No, but who would remember a wrong number call form two years ago."

"You have a point. I'm still not entirely sure though. I could have imagined this phone call. You're the one who dialled."

I hand her back her phone. "You dial this time"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

She sighs. "Is being real really that important?"

I'll never take for granted people believing in the validity of my existence ever again after this. If there is an after this. "Right now, for me, yeah it is."

"Fine." She dials the number again and waits for me to pick up.

She's not on speaker this time, but I can assume what's going on. Young-Me is annoyed that the strange girl called again. "Oh, I'm awfully sorry. Melody again?" She pauses for the answer and then add, "So sorry, this won't happen again," before hanging up.

I've never been this happy over a wrong number phone call before. "See!" I all but squeal gleefully.

Tanya smiles at me antics. "Fine, let's agree that you're real. What difference does it make?"

"Well, for one thing, it means you're not hallucinating, so that's good, right?"

"For now," she shrugs, like this particular predicament is going to change soon. "Anyway, what exactly do you want us to do about this? It's not like me believing that you're real is going to stop your curse."

"I guess not..." I trail, suddenly feeling a little bummed out.

"Have you tried kissing anyone? To break the curse I mean?" she asks me. Gustave... Thinking about him, about the last time we were together, my eyes fill with tears. "Hey, woah, what's wrong?"

I hide my eyes behind my hands. I don't want to cry but I'm probably going to. I breathe deeply and look at Tanya. There's something in her eyes, like she actually cares about what I'm feeling right now and what caused it.

So I tell her. I tell her everything. I tell her about Gustave and about what happened between us and about what I did. I tell her and she listens and for a second I have a glimpse at what having someone that truly cares about me, the way a friend would, feels like.

It's nice. I could get used to it.

"What's his last name?" Tanya finally asks, when I've exhausted all the gory details.

"Courbet. Gustave Courbet."

"He's real you know. History remembers him."

It physically hurts to hear this. I'm not sure why. "Really?"

"Yeah," she smiles softly at me, but she doesn't say more. I think she can see it in my face that she shouldn't say more.

I'm grateful for it.

"So, what do you want to do?" she asks me, patting my back.

"I have no idea," I reply, chuckling, tears still stuck in my eyes.

"How about we watch Shrek? I mean, sure their way to defeat the curse is true love's kiss again, but it's got singing," she smiles at me. I smile back.

"Why not. It'll be a nice break."

We end up like the last time I was here. We order Chinese this time though. I missed Chinese. I miss food. I miss having a normal, slightly boring life.

Tany falls asleep on the couch first, before the end of the third movie. I get up and go to watch the snow still falling on the city by the window. I don't know where we are. I didn't bother to ask. Maybe next time... I smile a little at the thought.

I can think about a next time here, but I don't think I can think about a next time with Gustave. I'm too scared of seeing him again. I'm scared to think he's moved on. I could go on Tanya's computer and Google him. I could learn all about his life, how he turned out to be known. I could know everything.

But I'm too scared.

So I sit back on the couch and finally let myself fall asleep beside... my friend?