The invisible hand has returned with vengeance.

The hand has remained locked around my windpipe since my landlord told me I was being evicted. Its grip tightened over time. Sometimes I'd wake up in a blind panic, clawing at the invisible hand, and struggling to take a simple breath.

Now as I walk away from my apartment with the weight of my life on my shoulders, the hand is determined to kill me where I stand.

A sharp pain lances through my chest. My uneven breaths turn into trembling clouds in the freezing afternoon air. My hands won't stop shaking. The world feels tilted yet I force myself to continue walking down the winding sidewalks of downtown Seoul.

I'm officially homeless.

I am a wandering traveler in search of a makeshift home for the night.

I've never experienced this level of fear before.

It's a suffocating kind of fear that leaves you dizzy and blind with panic. It's a wonder I haven't passed out yet.

If I don't find a place to stay before nightfall, I'll have to sleep on the streets. If I sleep on the streets, I'll be mugged, raped, killed and I can't let that happen. I can't risk that. I won't survive on the streets. I can't do this. I can't do this alone. What am I going to do before nightfall?

My phone buzzes in my jacket pocket, momentarily distracting me from my panic mode setting. I take off my glove, tuck it into my armpit, and pull out my phone in hopes of finding some good news.

Maybe Kyu has changed his mind about letting me stay with him?

"Your phone has three updates waiting to be accepted..."

I deflate and begrudgingly shove my phone back into my pocket. I press my lips together into a concentrated frown and mentally remind myself to stop hoping for him to text me.

He is not the type of guy to change his mind once he's made a decision. In some ways, I envy his confidence. In other ways, I hate him for deciding it so quickly. It's like he didn't even consider it.

Sena hates every fiber in her being for his decision and believes he is a good-for-nothing jerk who doesn't deserve me in any shape or form.

I know he isn't the type to care about "indecency" because of his past girlfriends, but maybe that makes me special compared to the others?

Or you're too scared to face the truth. He probably hates you like everybody else. Why would you be special to anybody besides your family?

I lower my face mask and breathe in the icy air, allowing it to fill my lungs and freeze me from the inside out. I lift my head to the pale gray sky in hopes of soaking in the little warmth the sun has to offer. My thoughts torment me as I walk down the empty sidewalks of what once was a bustling shopping district.

The people who used to wander these sidewalks with shopping bags tucked in the crooks of their arms, the kids in uniforms who craved noodles after a long day of school, the focused businessmen on their way to work, all have been replaced by eerie silence and faded footprints on the cement.

The storefronts and clothes outlets are locked tight with only slanted sunlight to light their window displays. Each available door is decorated with an increasingly familiar sight. Some vary in wording but the message is all the same.

"Due to the lockdown, we will be closed until further notice. Stay safe!"

How do I stay safe when I no longer have a safe place to return to?

I swallow hard against the invisible hand. I rub my throat with a distant gaze, watching the lines on the sidewalk slip under my feet and disappear behind me. All I can think about is how I failed to find a place to stay.

Everything comes back to losing my waitressing job.

Three of us were let go on account of the lack of business. Since customers were scarce, many businesses have gone under and my restaurant was almost one of them.

I was one of the unlucky ones who were let go. I think it was because I was a university student with limited available working hours. It still hurt to hear him explain that I was no longer "essential" to the team and he couldn't keep all his workers.

Without my job, I could no longer afford my apartment. For days, I desperately searched for a job opening for it only to be in vain.

The city was going back into total lockdown starting December 1st meaning all non-essential businesses would be closed. This, unfortunately, included public transport to avoid the spread of the virus. It also meant nobody would be hiring and I was stuck jobless for the next four weeks.

I tried to appeal to my landlord's sympathetic nature and fully explained my situation in hopes of getting an extension on my rent, however, my landlord was also suffering for money because he was already asked for four rent extensions that day.

Once again, the stars were not in my favor.

I tried searching for a cheap apartment--anything would suffice--yet I found nothing within my budget. I attempted to look at hotels and to my dismay, they were either closed for the lockdown or unreasonably overpriced.

I tried to ask my boyfriend, Kyu, if he would be willing to let me stay with him during the lockdown or just until I could find a job, but he said no.

I'd return home if the trains weren't stopped, and if I could actually afford a ticket to Busan. My parents are stuck in quarantine, otherwise, they would come to rescue me. My best friend, Sena, would also come to save me if the trains weren't already closed.

I am trapped in Seoul until further notice.

I reach the end of the street and glance both ways before crossing to the other side. I wrap my free arm around myself to retain the last bits of heat trapped in my jacket. My shoulders begin to ache from the weight of two backpacks, one for each side. My left arm begins to strain from the weight of my turquoise tote bag. I readjust my grip on the handle and hold it close to myself.

What am I going to do? What else am I not thinking of? Did I miss something? Surely there's a way to avoid a night on the streets...

My bag slips out of my hand and crashes into the ground with a loud shattering sound. I gasp in surprise and drop to my knees, quickly gathering the spilled items. I hiss under my breath as I carefully pick up a broken plate. I stare at its jagged end, the fragments littering the ground, the other shattered dishes...

Tears slowly fill my eyes as the reality of life smashes over my head. A wave of regret and pain slams into my chest like a swinging hammer. I stiffen my trembling lip and suppress my cries only to feel the true strength of the invisible hand.

I gasp quietly to make sure my pain is silent. I allow the plate to slip from my fingers and clatter onto the cement. I press the back of my hand into my mouth before tugging up my face mask. I shake my head a few times and slowly gather the unbroken items feeling defeated and pathetic.

It seems like no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked.

Everything from my job, my apartment, my boyfriend, and now this... Fate has decided to lay a cursed mark on my soul.

I attempt to remind myself that there are people who are suffering more than me.

I don't deserve to feel like this. I should be grateful I still have my things. I should be grateful to have two living parents and a friend, even if they are far away.

I should, is something I tell myself often to cope with the intensity of my feelings. No matter how hard I try, I can't turn "I should" into "I am".

I try to tell myself that Sena would be completely fine in my position. She would probably march up to the first person she saw and ask for help. She'd have no trouble talking to a stranger about her situation. She's so forward, so brave, so confident.

I wish to become like her, despite her efforts to stop me. She tells me that she wishes she were gentle and kind... that she could feel emotions like I can and be able to understand others for who they are and who they could be. She says I need to learn to love myself and accept who I am instead of rejecting it. "What's wrong with being Ara?" she once asked.

Because Ara is weak and too stupid to figure out a microwave.

Once I gather the rest of my things, I stand up on unsteady legs and begin taking measured breaths. Breathe in for six seconds, wait, breathe out for another six seconds. I start my walk of shame once again and slowly feel the invisible hand loosen its grip as I practice my breathing exercises.

My mind begins to spiral back into a dark place, forcing me to come face-to-face with the disappointment that is me. No matter how hard I try, I can't break the cycle.

I fear I will be forever trapped in this toxic state of mind. Lost in my mind. Losing my mind.

"What's wrong with being Ara?"

Everything.

A/N: Ara is a deeply flawed character who doesn't yet see the light so please stay with her! I promise things will lighten up soon! I'm not sure if this story qualifies for adding trigger warnings so let me know if I need to add them if it makes you uncomfortable! Please take care of yourself! You deserve everything good thing the world has to offer and more. Don't ever sell yourself short. You are more precious than you know...