I read the text once, and then again to be sure I've read it correctly.

"I'm worried about Nik. I think he is serious this time, please talk to him!"

My fingers tremble as they slide desperately across the screen, navigating to Nik's name and then tapping the call button. With each ring my heart pounds harder in my chest, adrenaline is pumping through my body so rapidly I think I might be sick. When a choked off noise comes through the speaker I jump up from my bed and cry out "Nik?"

"What do you want?" I can barely make out the words; His voice cuts off almost as if he can't breathe.

"What are you doing Nik? Why can't I hear you properly?" I try to speak calmly; However, I am anything but calm.

"I can't do it anymore, Haven. I don't want to be alive if you don't love me." he chokes out and tears burn in the back of my eyes. What have I done to him? "It's twisted so tight." he forces the words out in one desperate breath. "Just a little more..."

"What's twisted so tight? What are you doing?" I beg him for answers but I only receive a hoarse groaning noise in response. "NIK!" I shriek and my tears fall hot and fast. "I'm sorry okay. I'm sorry about everything. I care about you, I do I just..." I choke on my panic. "I just can't lose you."

"If I take it off," he groans, "it will just be the same shit tomorrow. It will never stop hurting."

"It will stop hurting, it will. Take it off Nik, whatever it is take it off. Please." I'm not sure if he can even understand me at this point, I am nearly hyperventilating.

"What's so great about him, Haven?" He asks, and this time I can hear him clearer. Whatever it is he had tied around his throat must be looser now. I breathe a sigh of relief and try to calm myself down enough to answer. As I sit on the edge of my bed, my entire body trembling from fear and adrenaline, I try to think of a good answer.

"Taylor?" I question, even though I know that's who he is referring to. "Not much really, he is annoying me a bit lately." It's not a lie, although I would lie to him right now, just to keep him from hurting himself.

"At least I'm not the only guy who annoys you." He mumbles and the sound of his breathing coming through the phone sends a rush through me.

"Nik, you don't annoy me."

"Don't lie Haven." he groans. "I hate when you lie to me." his voice rises in anger and then cuts off abruptly and I know that whatever he has tied around his throat is being tightened again.

"Please, please, please!" I beg and I am about to panic again but I have to stay calm. I have to talk him down. "It's a bandana right?" I guess. "That's what you've got around your throat?" He doesn't reply, so I continue in a soothing voice.

"See, you don't even have to tell me. I know that's what it is because I know you Nik. I know you better than anyone else because, even though you sometimes annoy me, I care about you. I... I..." I want to tell him that I love him, I want to say the words so bad but I am terrified of the expectations that will come with the words. "I don't want you to kill yourself Nik." I finish in a quiet rush of words.

"I don't want to love you anymore. Haven, it hurts too much." He whispers.

"I know it hurts. I'm so sorry that it hurts, I promise Nik, I won't make it worse for you anymore. I won't."

"You've said that before!" he cries out in frustration.

He is right. I have said it before, but this time I mean it. Watching Nik fall apart was fun at first. I liked the way his face would fall when I put him down and that I was the only one who could make him smile again. Tormenting him, teasing him, flirting with him all of it was just a big game to me. But I think I may have gone too far. I think about the cuts on his wrists and the desperation in his voice and I wonder, why am I doing this to him when I truly care about him?

"I know I did. But I mean it this time." I coo softly to him, as if he is an injured baby bird. "I mean it Nik, I don't want you to hurt yourself so I'll stop, I promise."

The line is silent for a moment, but then Nik replies, "I hope you're not lying Haven, it's going to kill me if you're lying."