Nik's three-day suspension is up today and as I pace back and forth at the entrance to the school, my stomach is fluttering wildly with anticipation. I have too much to tell him I feel like I am going to explode. I tried to call him many times over the last few days, but I'm assuming his parents have taken his phone away. I can't imagine they were happy when they found out they suspended him from school for having drugs on campus.

This time away, with no contact whatsoever, has made me realize just how much I need Nik in my life. I'm not sure why it took me so long to figure it out. I guess getting back together with Taylor meant so much to me that I was completely blinded. But that's over now. I don't want Taylor and I broke up with him the day I watched Nik get put into the back of that cop car.

Seeing Nik get hauled away like that has shifted something inside of me. I have it all figured out now and Nik needs to know. He needs to know that I'm in love with him. I can already picture the way his brown eyes will go wide and hopeful, and then narrow in suspicion. But he has nothing to be suspicious of, not anymore because I'm done with the games.

I glance at the time on my phone nervously. Class will start any minute now, and he is usually here by this time. I pace back and forth until the bell rings and then stomp my foot in frustration. Where is he? I hang around for another minute and then sulk off to class hoping that I will see him soon. 

Three days later.

"Becca please. Please, just help me figure out what happened!" I plead with her, tears streaming down my face.

"What do you want me to do? All of his social media has been deleted, his cell phone is disconnected and now their home phone too." my best friend rubs my back in gentle circles.

"We have to go to his house. If I show up there and they don't let me see him, I'll just start screaming my head off. He will come, he will jump out the freakin window if he has to. Please, just come with me." I cry hysterically.

"Haven!" I continue babbling nonsense through my tears. "HAVEN!" Becca demands and grabs me by the shoulders, shaking me roughly. "He's gone, babe. Nik is gone and I don't think he's coming back."

I stare up at her tearful blue eyes that are filled with pity for me. For weeks now we have barely spoken but the second I came to her with tears in my eyes, she pulled me into her arms. She cares about me; I know she does or we wouldn't be here right now. Not after everything I did and all the hateful things I said.

"No." I croak. "Becca he can't be gone. I... I.... We were finally going to be together!" I yell and collapse into her because I can't bare to hold the weight of this myself. Nik has always come back.

After I told him I hate him.

After I kissed him and then told him I didn't want to be with him.

After I told him I wished he would die.

After I offered to cut his wrists for him so that he would know how to do it properly.

Nik. Always. Comes. Back.

But the ache in my chest is telling me that this time is different; Nik is gone. He is gone and I will never forgive myself for what I did to him.