I have spent little time in hospitals; I guess that makes me lucky. They smell too sharp and the lights are too bright. As people walk by, their shoes squeak on the floor and the sound sets my teeth on edge. The hard plastic chairs in the waiting room are uncomfortable but I force myself to sit in one. I deserve to be uncomfortable.

At least I'm not alone as I wait. Jennie, Becca and Hayden sit in the waiting room with me. They shift in their seats, check their phones or glance at the TV playing soundlessly in the corner. Twice now Becca has asked me if I need anything. I want to tell her that yes; I do need something; I need Nik to walk out of those doors with a smile on his face. I need him to pull me into his arms and tell me that this was all a joke. Ha ha.

But that's not going to happen, it can't happen because this wasn't a joke. This is real.

As Hayden sped through the night, I begged him to explain to me to make it all make sense, but he refused. Of course, Hayden who has tried to warn me several times and made a big deal about telling me the truth, has decided to keep his mouth shut. There are only two things he told me. One, Nik has had a drug overdose. And two, this isn't the first time.

I sat with that information rolling around in my head as I held Nik's head in my lap, brushing back his sweaty hair and murmuring softly to him. Telling him you're going to be okay and I love you so much. It felt like no time at all before Hayden was pulling the truck to a screeching halt outside the emergency room doors. And then he was at the passenger side door, hauling Nik over his shoulder. I scrambled out of the truck, desperate not to let them out of my sight.

The emergency room doors closed between us for only a moment. And in that moment, Nik was put on a stretcher, and wheeled through a set of doors with two nurses running behind him. That's when it really hit me, this is bad.

It's been over an hour and nobody will tell us anything. I'm pretty sure Hayden called Nik's parents and at some point they are going to walk through those doors. The thought of seeing them makes my stomach twist but I can't leave. I can't. Besides, at least if I am here they will have someone to blame, someone to yell and scream at.

"Haven." Becca's voice reaches my ears and I swear, if she asks me if I need anything I might punch her in the face. I turn to meet her eyes and she nods towards the double doors I have only seen doctors and nurses go through. And there stands a doctor, talking to Hayden. I'm on my feet in an instant, heart racing and anxiety prickling my body.

"I can't give you details because you are not his family, but I wanted you to know he is stable." The doctor looks from Hayden to me and gives me a look of concern. I can only imagine how dishevelled I look like right now. I open my mouth to ask a question but the doctor holds his hand up to silence me. "I'm sorry miss, I can't say anymore." Then he turns on his heel and walks back through the double doors.

The word 'stable' echoes around in my mind. What does that mean? Does that mean he is awake and talking? Or is he lying in a bed back there, hooked up to machines with tubes and needles stuck in him? How do doctors even treat an overdose?

"Stable is good Haven." Hayden pats me lightly on the shoulder and then sighs, returning to his hard plastic chair. I sit in the chair next to him and rest my head in my hands.

"How many times?" I ask and I know he knows what I mean.

"It's not my place to tell you that." he drags both his hands down his face groaning in frustration.

"When was the last time?" I question with intense curiosity. I just need to know something, any bit of detail that I can focus on and analyze so I can go back into the recesses of my mind.

"Over a year ago." he admits and turns his gaze on me. I wonder what he sees when he looks at me now. A despicable human being? A complete monster? Only a short while ago I thought that he was the monster, trying to turn my friend on me like that and get Nik upset but I think I understand why he did that now.

"You've been trying to warn me about all of this, haven't you?"

"Yes." he replies curtly.

"You tried to get Becca to admit the worst of me and Nik to make him remember it all, right?"

He sighs, "I don't know what I was trying to do. At that point I knew it was too late, you two were already in so deep and he had already..." he sniffs and cuts himself off. "Well, I guess I was just trying to hurt you, or embarrass you so you would go away and he could..." he covers his face with his hands and curses into them. When he lowers them, I see tears in his eyes. "I should have just left it alone." He erupts from his chair and starts pacing, clenching and unclenching his fists repeatedly.

"Hayden!" A clear voice calls, and I turn to see a couple coming towards us. It takes a moment for me to recognize them as Nik's parents. It's only been five years but they look older, much older than I remember. They both have grey in their hair, their tense expressions accentuate the wrinkles in their skin.

Hayden rushes towards them, embracing Nik's mother and then shaking hands with his father. I watch them, frozen to the spot until I feel a hand on my arm and jump. My eyes meet Beccas, she is kneeling down in front of me. Her blue eyes boring into mine, looking panicked.

"We should go." she whispers and nods overtly towards Nik's parents. "They won't want us here."

"I'm not leaving." I mumble back and settle back into my chair. Becca shares a look with Jennie who shrugs her shoulders, knowing full well there is no way they are going to change my mind. When she turns back a look of determination is set on her face.

"Well, then we face them together." She intertwines her hand with mine and pulls me to my feet. My stomach plummets as she steers me towards them. Just because I refuse to leave, doesn't mean I want to approach them. I have nothing to say and so much to say at the same time. I want to apologize but it would never be enough. Words will never ever be enough for what I put their family through.

Three sets of eyes turn to me as Becca pulls me to a stop before them. I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I look from his father, to his mother and then I am stuck in her stare. Oh, how she must hate me. I am the girl who ruined her son. Who turned him from a happy teenage boy to someone she didn't even recognize anymore. How is she not clawing my eyes out right now?

"Becca, Haven." She greets us in a hard voice. Her face is stern and I feel the pressure of her stare weighing me down. Tears burn in the back of my eyes but I can't release them, not in front of them. It would be an insult. My throat tightens, constricting my breathing and I feel like I might pass out.

"I didn't know." the words sound strained as they scrape from my throat with a choking gargle as I attempt to hold in my tears. I can feel Becca's hold tighten on my hand, her way of telling me you can do this. But I can't do this, I really don't think I can.

"I would like to talk to you alone, Haven." It isn't a question.

"Virgina." Nik's father gives his wife a concerned look, but her gaze remains on me and after everything I have put her family through, how can I deny her this.

I detach my hand from Beccas and cold replaces the warmth her comforting touch offered me. Nodding my head, I follow Nik's mother down the hallway her high-heeled shoes clacking on the clean hospital tile. She leads me to another waiting room, one that is much more private, with a door and only five seats inside. I can't help but wonder if this is the room doctors lead families to when they have to deliver the worst news.

She sits, so I sit to. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to meet her eyes but I force myself to do it. She deserves my absolute attention. My palms are slick with sweat as my heart hammers against my rib cage. We stare at each other and I know she is analyzing me, trying to tell if I am emotionally capable of hearing everything she has to say.

"What do you know about my son?" she asks me conversationally.

"I... Well I know..." I am thrown off guard, I wasn't expecting her to bring me here to chit chat. I thought she was preparing to yell at me in private, hit me even.

"Are you aware of what he went through after we left?"

"No," I choke out, "No, he didn't want to talk about any of it."

"Of course not." She straightens her floral dress and sighs in frustration. "If there is one thing my son loves more than you, it's pretending the past never happened." I'm not sure how to respond or if she even expects me to. Instead I sit silently, watching her as she appears to fight back tears. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he didn't make you aware of his..." she pauses, attempting to choose the right words, "condition."

I shake my head and she continues speaking, "When we moved our family away we thought it would be the best thing for him. To get him away from the horrible influences, from you." I don't even flinch at the distaste in her voice. "However, as it turns out, taking him away from you, the way we approached it, is one of the biggest regrets of my life." she chokes on the last words and takes a deep breath before continuing.

"It started out with the pot, as you know from your time with him at school. When we came here, there wasn't a day that went by when he wasn't smoking that stuff. The harder we tried to control him, the worse it got. Soon he wasn't coming home high, reeking of pot and numb to the core, he stopped coming home at all."

"He was missing for three days before he turned up on our doorstep, dishevelled and strung out. We pushed and pushed him to tell us where he had been but he shut us out. This happened for weeks before Robert and I finally put our foot down. We knew there was something going on with our son but we never could have guessed that he was..."

She pauses, staring at me in a way that makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. The devastation on her face, the heartbreak; It's unbearable. As she rises to her feet, the chair creaks sending my heart into another round of racing. She paces and I am not prepared for what she tells me next.

"Heroin, is one of the most addictive drugs out there. Did you know that Haven? As a mother, you never think that your child would be so stupid, be so desperate for a reprieve from their life that they would turn to such a thing. But my son did. Nikolas has been through rehab twice and overdosed six times. Since we moved here the longest he has stayed sober for is one year, one month and nine days. Today would have made for one year, one month and ten days."

I am glad she stops talking because my brain is stuck on one word. Heroin. Heroin. Heroin? No, it's not possible. Nik, my Nik, a heroin addict? It doesn't make sense; He is smart. Too smart to do something that stupid.

I rack my brain trying to pick up any hint that what she is saying could be true. Through the endless hours we have spent together over the last month, I can't pick up one hint. But of course, I wouldn't because he has always been so adamant about not talking about the past. Selfish me always assumed it was us that he didn't want to talk about. But I get it now; If we talked about us, it would have opened up the opportunity to discuss the aftermath of us.

Why did he keep this from me? After everything we have been through why wouldn't he tell me? If I had known that his life had taken that turn I never would have risked getting involved with him again. He should have told me so I could have saved him from this.

And that's exactly why he wanted to keep it from me. Because he knew if I knew the truth I never would have spoken to him again.

"I don't tell you this to make you feel guilty, Haven. The path Nik chose to take his life is nobody's fault but his own. He chose to stick by you when you were destroying him and he chose to do drugs. Do I think his life would have turned out this way if he hadn't met you? No, I don't. But he has to live with his choices, and you have to live with yours."

Nik's mother returns to her seat and takes my hands in hers. I gasp as the cold of her skin seeps into me and a chill runs over my body. "You two are not good for each other, this lapse in his sobriety is evidence of that. From what Hayden has told me tonight, this overdose was bound to happen, eventually. The fear of you finding out about this, it sent him straight to this hospital. Do you think it would be in his best interest to have you in his life Haven?"

"If he would have told me I never would have... this wouldn't have... I love him!" I choke out and the tears begin to fall.

Her hand clasps tighter around mine. "If you love him, then you will leave and never look back." She hisses and drops my hands into my lap.

I watch as she goes without another word, the sound of her heels clicking down the hallway, and then I break into uncontrollable sobs. I am lost in it all. In the guilt and the grief. In the heartbreak and the gut wrenching realization that I destroyed Nik more than I ever could have imagined.