I lounge on the beach, sitting on my sweater and allowing the early morning sun to warm my skin. The night was a sleepless one, between working out the sleeping arrangements with Becca and Jennie, and the never ending list of concerns running through my mind, I'm surprised I fell asleep at all. That I had gotten bumped to the floor didn't help either.

For the first time in days, I am alone. I left Jennie and Becca a note, telling them I was going down to the beach and I would be back soon. Don't come find me would have seemed like too big of a red flag, so I didn't add it on there even though I wanted to.

The only things I brought with me were a notebook and pen. It almost felt like leaving a part of me behind when I walked out the door without my cell phone, but it will only be a distraction to me.

I decide to try this writing exercise my mom had given me once. You write a question at the top of your page, and then for five full minutes you just write about that question, never stopping. If words repeat in your mind, repeat them on the page and just keep writing. The question at the top of my page: What the hell is going on?

It's too vague a question, but it definitely provides enough information to write about. Since I have no cell phone to use as a timer, I just write until I can't anymore and four pages later I am positive I surpassed the five-minute goal. Next, I underline all the words or phrases that I repeated while writing.

Too much, too much, too much.

Scared, scared, so scared.

Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar.

Can't lose him, can't lose him, can't lose him.

No trust? No trust? No trust?

The purpose of the exercise is to find themes within your writing that repeat, because these are the thoughts you need to get out so badly that your brain throws them at you repeatedly. I look at the page and my heart sinks into my stomach, there are a lot of negative themes here. I know that things aren't perfect right now but to see it expressed this way is a huge red flag.

I sigh and toss my notebook beside me, sending a puff of sand into the air. It has now been 48 hours since I woke up with Nik in my bed, after making the most amazing memory with him. Since then, I have realized that he is hiding something, broken out the old Haven, had my best friend turn up unannounced, fought and cried with her, had Nik turn up at my home hammered, had to handle hurricane Becca and Jennie, and watched a man be beaten to a pulp - possibly by my boyfriend and his friend.

I feel like I am being punished or something. Because I knew in my mind that sleeping with Nik would cause me grief in the long run but I did it anyway, so now the universe is dumping on me. How has so much happened in such a short period of time?

Hiding on the beach alone will not help me solve my problems, I know that. But the waves, the wind and the sun help calm me in a way that nobody and nothing else can. Except maybe Nik, but considering he is at the center of everything I don't know if his presence will comfort me.

Today I am supposed to get everyone together so Becca can meet everyone I have been spending time with. Just the thought of this task sends my head spinning. Can I handle that? Can I handle seeing Becca and Nik interact together? I know I have been working on letting the past go, but the three of us hanging out together, it just seems like we are asking for trouble.

I slide down from my sitting position until I am flat on my back, staring up at the cloudless blue sky. How lovely it would be to scream into its depths. My cries of frustration, anger, sadness, and stress expelled from my body and absorbed into the endless air.

"Ahhh!" I moan pathetically, too embarrassed to actually scream at the top of my lungs.

"Ahhhhh!" I yell a little louder and toss a handful of sand away from me. My heart races in my chest as I feel a real scream build inside of me. Too many things flash in my mind; Every single reason I am upset, every single thing that is stressing me out, and every hope I have that suddenly seems lost because nothing is going right.

I scream. Howling into the air hoping my voice will reach the furthest depths of blue, way up in that endless sky. I cut myself off, breathing heavily and clutching my hands to my stomach.

Then I am on my feet, staring out at the water and I scream again. This time mixing in the most foul words I can think of and stomping my feet and pulling my hair as I scream and scream and scream. A flock of birds scatters from the top of a building on the other side of the beach, and I can see the early morning joggers turning their heads at me, no doubt urging themselves to run faster, to run away from this psycho girl who is clearly losing her shit.

"Fuck everything!" I screech and crumple to the ground.

My mind is pleasantly empty now, and I fear if I move than all my problems will come rushing back to me. So I lay there and draw designs in the sand while the sun inches higher in the skiy. First there are swirls and hearts, a sun and fish in the water, and then stick people holding hands. And then the stick couple is squashed, by a large foot with mildly hairy toes.

"Well, hi there."

I turn my gaze upwards, blinding light blocks his face from my view but I know who it is. So I don't answer, because if I speak I won't be able to stop. He will hear every single thing on my mind and that won't help either of us. He plops down in the sand, smoothing out a patch of it and redrawing my stick figure couple.

"Want to hear a funny story?" I say nothing so Nik continues on. "Jessica called me about twenty minutes ago. Something about a girl who looked an awful lot like you completely wigging out on the beach."

"Sounds highlarious." I choke out, my voice hoarse from all of my psychotic screaming.

"Sure does." he reaches out to me and brushes back a stray piece of hair, revealing my entire face to him. I'm terrified to look him in the eyes. I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling he will be looking at me differently. Or maybe, I'm scared I will be looking at him differently. "Are you okay?" His voice is thick with concern and my body urges me to go to him. Let him hold me, let his touch heal me. But I can't allow it. Not when he is a part of the reason I am so torn up in the first place.

"I'm fine." I mumble and begin drawing the stick couple a stick dog.

"Haven." Nik presses.

"Aren't you too hungover to be up this early?" I deflect coldly, but this just makes him chuckle.

"Are you going to tell me why you were screaming your head off?"

I consider telling him that I don't want to talk about. I also consider quoting what he said the other night, "What's the point of focusing on all the shit behind you when you could just move forward?" but I decide against it. The last thing I want to do is drive the wedge between us even deeper. So instead I take a deep breath and start with one of my concerns.

"Becca wants to meet everyone, today. I told her I would talk to you about it first considering they are your friends, but you weren't answering my texts and then you showed up completely hammered last night and I couldn't really ask you then..." I trail off with a loud sigh.

Nik raises his eyebrow at me, I know he doesn't believe that this small matter of Becca meeting everyone would cause me to have a screaming fit on the beach. But I can't tell him the truth, not yet. I need to know what Jennie found out before I tell him that I know he is hiding something from me.

I sit up, brushing the sand from my arms and my side and look him in the eyes, "She doesn't understand that this is your life, and some days I already feel like I am intruding on it, so I don't want to just throw this on you. But, you know Becca, when she wants something she pushes and pushes until she gets it."

When Nik takes my hand in his I glance down, afraid that I may see bruised and cut up knuckles, but I don't. Only the faded scrapes from his fight with Hayden are there. So he didn't jump Joey last night. I wonder if he knows that Chase did? The tension within me releases ever so slightly.

"First of all, you are not intruding on my life. I am not sure where all of this self doubt is coming from, but you need to knock it off. Second, I don't care if Becca wants to meet our friends; Just give the girl what she wants and stop stressing over it."

I squeeze his hand in mine and will myself to stop stressing as he suggested. The Becca situation is honestly at the bottom of my worries anyway, and he clearly isn't bothered by it so I decide to let it go. It's too bad that I still have a million other things weighing on me, at least he appears to have bought my story and I don't have to explain the real reason I was screaming my head off.

"So, I guess we need to get everyone together tonight, any ideas?" I try to sound cheery, but I doubt I am fooling him.

"My parents are going to the island tonight, they won't be back until tomorrow afternoon. Let's have a BBQ at my place." I nod in agreement and he adds, "No alcohol though, after last night I don't think I'm gunna drink for a while."

"I don't blame you." I laugh as I recall his drunken demeanor. "What was that all about, anyway?"

"I was just being an idiot." He shrugs casually but I can see something burning behind his eyes and I know there is more to be told. But I don't push it because I know there is no point to push Nik. However, I promise myself that I will not continue to do this for the rest of the summer. I will get answers, all in due time.

"Do you think the three of us should go for lunch or something, get all that awkwardness out of the way before tonight?" I ask in an effort to change the subject.

Nik laughs. "You always assume things are going to be awkward because you're the one who makes it awkward."

"I do not!" I defend and give him a playful shove