Luckily, all the lights are off when I crack the front door open and I usher Nik down the hallway. I'm not sure why I feel as if I am a teenage girl sneaking a boy into my mother's house, maybe because that is something I have done many times, especially with Nik. I can't help but smile and laugh giddily when I quietly push my bedroom door closed and turn the lock on the knob.

"Do you think they will care if I stay the night?" Nik questions as he takes in my bedroom. Suddenly, I am conscious of the overflowing laundry basket and my unmade bed.

"I don't think so." I whisper back as I struggle internally to stop myself from tidying up my room. Nik flops down onto my bed, tucking his arms behind his head, which emphasizes the size of his biceps. I gulp. "I'm just going to change." I quickly pull a pair of shorts and a tank top from the top drawer and scurry into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

I shred my clothes as my heart races in my chest and I can't pinpoint exactly how I am feeling right now. With how our dinner ended, the run in with Joey and Nik's sudden vulnerability; I have been through too many emotions in too short a time to make sense of anything. My brain feels foggy with information, questions, desires, and I can't sort them out when they are all swirling together like this.

I run the cold water splashing it on my face and then run my wet hands over my arms, cooling my warm skin. The water calms me slightly, or at least dulls the electric feeling of my blood pumping through my body. This overwhelming feeling is not unfamiliar to me; I often feel it when I face a decision I have to make. That is why I am so reliant on Becca; she is quick to decide for both of us.

But this time, I have no decision to make and therefore I have no method of calming myself down. This anxiety has no method of release and that thought only works me up even more. Suddenly my chest begins to rise and fall rapidly. I know this will soon turn to full scale hyperventilating. What can I do to ground myself? What can I do to forget these feelings swarming my mind?

My eyes rise to my reflection in the mirror as I think of the one thing that could wipe all other thoughts from my mind. I stare at myself, nearly naked with only a bra and underwear on. Could I do it?

Could I exit this bathroom in nothing but my undergarments and allow only one emotion to take me over? Desire. I could do it, but the better question is should I? Would it be fair? To me, to Nik? Do I really want to have sex with him just so I can prevent a full scale anxiety attack?

No. That would not be fair to either of us. As I continue to stare at myself, I can see my chest is already slowing, the air is filling my lungs easily now. While my heart is still racing, it will not be winning any prizes. I quickly realize what pulled me back from the edge; it was the thought of Nik. I pull my shorts and tank top on quickly before fumbling with the lock and swinging the door open.

There he is. Sprawled out on my bed with his shirt discarded on the floor. I move to him, not able to bare the short distance between us. He must see something in the look on my face because his eyebrows scrunch together in concern. But I say nothing as I lay down beside him and rest my head against his chest. The feeling of his warm skin against mine is all I need to ground me.

Slowly, as Nik rubs circles on my shoulders down my arms and back up again, every overwhelming feeling leaves me. I can now imagine why he didn't want to talk about the whole Joey thing and why all he wanted was to be with me. He must have been going crazy with all the emotions too and just like he grounds me now, my presence grounds him too.

"Nik?" I whisper into the still air.

"Mhmm?"

"I'm in love with you."

His body does not tense underneath me. There is no sudden intake of breath. In fact, he does nothing and the lack of reaction concerns me.

I shift my head back so I can see his face, but he is staring up at the ceiling. When he senses my eyes on him, his turns his gaze to mine. Those brown eyes do what only they can, they reach down into my soul and it doesn't take words for me to know how he feels, although he speaks them anyway.

"I don't think I have ever not been in love with you, Haven." He lowers his face to mine, and our lips meet. The soft pressure of his lips against mine is short lived as we kiss each other harder, more desperately. He wraps his arms tighter around me as I push every inch of my body against his. Soon we are in that place where only the two of us exist. As if we have merged into one being with two frantically beating hearts.

A moan escapes my lips as his fingers trail over my hips, up my sides and back down into the waistband of my shorts. It is as if my moan is fuel to him; his grip tightens on me, his lips move more fiercely against mine as his hips press into mine and I can feel him against me.

We have been here before. This is where my brain usually erects the wall that stands in our way of taking things any further. My awareness of his need for me is typically the trigger, but this time there is no wall. There is only the awareness of his need for me and my need for him.

Somewhere in the back of my mind a miniscule part of me is begging me to stop, to think this through before we reach the point of the return.

But stopping myself now feels impossible. I need this. I need him. More than I need my sanity, more than I need anything else in this world. I need all of Nik right now.

Our lips part, and I lean in, desperate for them to be back where they belong, on mine. We kiss for only a second before he pulls away again and breathes my name in a rushed voice, halting my next assault of kisses.

"We need to stop." he breathes and I know what he is really telling me; If we don't stop now, he won't be able to.

"No." I breathe and pull his face back down to mine. My lips may end up bruised from how hard I am pressing them into his but I don't care. I care about nothing but my intense need for him pulsing through every inch of my body.

But he pulls away again with an almost painful groan. "Haven, please just wait a minute."

Oh no. My heart plummets in my chest as the thought pounds through my head; he doesn't want me.

"I'm sorry." I squeak and pull away so fast I nearly fall out of the bed. Nik saves me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me back to him.

"Don't be sorry." He breathes and props his head up on his hand. "I'm just thinking about what you said to me not even half an hour ago." he pauses for me to respond but I can't think straight. "You know, about how you don't want to have sex with me? I just don't want you to do this because you think you have to." he explains.

"I changed my mind." I state quietly but firmly. And this is the truth, I have changed my mind from half an hour ago, and even from two minutes ago when I was alone in the bathroom. This is something that I want to do because I love him and because I calm him and he calms me. We are good for each other and if I don't make this memory with him, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

"If you don't want to..." I trail off and Nik chuckles as he takes my hand in his, guides it down below the blanket and rests my hands on the large bulge in his pants. I can't help but moan longingly.

"You think I don't want to?" He grins, "I want you pretty much every second of the day. But I don't want you to regret this." His eyes search mine and I can't help but look away slightly embarrassed. But he doesn't allow this, his fingertips find my chin and turn my face back up to his.

We stare at each other in a way that only two people in love can. I memorize every fleck of light brown amongst the deep brown of his eyes. His eyelashes intertwine differently with every blink of his eyes. As my hand trails up and down his bare skin, I watch his pupils dilate. He trails his fingertips across my cheek, sending pleasant chills down my spine. With every passing moment, I can feel the worries work their way back inside of my head. Soon that wall will appear and I don't want it to.

There will always be risks with me and Nik. That's just who we are. By being in each other's lives, we risk hurting ourselves, hurting each other. But the thing is, somehow, we keep going. When I leave, I will be heartbroken, but as I stare into this man's eyes, I know that we will always have this. We will always be Haven and Nik. Filled with love and regrets. But this is one thing I know I won't regret.

I slowly bring my lips back to his and our stare does not break. I press one soft kiss to his lips before whispering, "I love you Nik." I close my eyes and then the fire starts all over again.

We allow ourselves to be consumed in the flame that is us. We are all hot fire and blazing glory as our bodies move together in a way that speaks. I love you, I need you, you are mine and I am yours.