It's been exactly one month since I left Vancouver and it still hurts the same. Not more, but no less either.

I started classes a week ago. All of them suck because I waited so long to enroll. I never would have come back to University at all but I need a reason to get out of bed and right now this is it.

Everyone around me seems to think that school will be the answer to all my problems. It will help me move on from the events of this summer and move forward in my life. I don't see it that way because I know nothing will ever help me move on from the events of this summer. Except maybe therapy, which I am strongly considering.

I haven't heard a single word from Nik. Not a text or a phone call which feels a little too familiar. Every day I have to fight the urge to reach out to him, to make sure he is doing okay but I know it wouldn't be fair. The way I see it, he must blame me for what happened just as much as I blame myself.

I've done my best to stay in touch with Jennie, who was absolutely heartbroken when I left. I found a true friend in her and I miss her every day, but I'm not sure how long this friendship will last. Jennie stood for the life I could have had there. The life that I know I can never have. Her face is a reminder of him and I wish it wasn't because I might feel a little better if I could video chat with her without crying.

Becca has been sympathetic towards me. Although she would have to be a complete monster to make me feel anymore guilty then I already do. When I told her it was time to go back home, she had tried to convince me to stay in Vancouver and to see Nik. She told me that I would regret leaving for the rest of my life, but I made my mind up. We left on a flight home that same day.

I feel like I left a part of me in Vancouver. Some days, I literally feel like I am going to fall apart because the hole inside of me is so big. But not only do I have to live with this gaping emptiness, I deserve to live with it. I've never hated myself so much in my life. I know I've felt like this before, when Nik left all those years ago, and I got over my self-hatred then but I'm not sure I will be able to this time. I can barely look at myself in the mirror.

"Are you seriously not listening to me, AGAIN?" Becca snaps her fingers in front of my face and I am brought back to my sad reality. Fortunately, over the last month I have gotten great at listening to people talk, even though I am a hundred miles away.

"I'm listening. Party in the C dorm of Allard Hall tomorrow night, let's go." I have no desire to go to the party, but if it will make Becca happy, I will go. She has been so patient with me and I should show her that I am grateful. Maybe I can drown myself in tequila and forget for even the slightest moment.

"The party is tonight." Becca corrects me, "Are you actually going to have fun?"

I roll my eyes and turn away but she sighs and places her hands on my shoulders. "I can't stand seeing you like this! You're just this sad mopey thing in my best friend's body. Give her back!" she shakes me as if she can expel this 'sad mopey thing' from my body.

"Of course I will have fun. Im looking forward to it." I do my best to sound enthusiastic; I am unsuccessful.

"I will pick you up at 10, so be ready and look hot! Maybe we can find you a guy so you can forget all about..." the look on my face must warn enough because Becca flashes an apologetic smile and mouths 'okay then' before turning on her heel and walking away.

I slam my locker door and stand there trying to stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. It's pointless. I know the second I get to my car that the tears will fall. I put my forehead to my locker door and take a few deep breaths, trying to prepare myself for the 5-minute walk to my car. The last thing I want to do is trudge across campus with tears running down my cheeks.

You can make it. I think to myself. With a final deep breath I hold my head high, turn on my heel and freeze. I blink several times quickly, thinking I must be hallucinating. But even after several blinks he is still standing there, leaning against the wall and staring at me intently.

"Nik?" I squeak incredulously and take a tentative step towards him, still not convinced that he isn't an apparition and terrified that if I get too close he will disappear.

"Hey Haven." My heart races out of my chest at the sound of his voice.

I can't stop myself from closing the distance between us and throwing my arms around his neck. I am consumed in the smell of laundry and cologne; There is no stopping the irrational laughter that bursts from my mouth at his familiar scent. His arms wrap around my waist and he buries his face in the crook of my neck. It feels so good to be in his embrace that I smile for the first time in a month.

However, I pull away quickly as I remember that I'm never supposed to see him again. I left Vancouver so that he could escape me and all the destruction that comes with me. Your bad for him. I remind myself and take a step back but my heart rages in protest and I take the tiniest step back towards him. For safe measures, I tuck my hands into my hoodie pocket.

"What are you doing here?" I whisper as my hands nervously wring together.

"I came to see you obviously." He chuckles and the sound of it sends my heart racing.

Over the last month, I have pictured Nik in every horrible scenario possible. Dead. Drunk. High and wandering the streets of East Hastings. Cutting himself. Lying in bed for days on end. But it's clear that he hasn't been doing any of those things. Nik looks fantastic.

His tanned skin is glowing and clear, his brown eyes sharp and focused. The visions of hollowed cheeks and dishevelled hair could not be further from what I see standing before me. His blonde hair is tousled in the same sexy way it always is and his jaw line is still defined and not in a sickly way. The realization that he has been taking good care of himself eases the slightest bit of pain and guilt from my chest.

"You shouldn't have." I reply and his face falls. "I mean, I left so that you could get away from me Nik. I left so that you could have a chance at being happy."

Nik rolls his eyes but a small smile returns to his face. "Is that what you thought you were doing?" he shakes his head at me but continues to smile. "Is there somewhere we can go to talk?"

I nod and silently lead him through campus, checking over my shoulder repeatedly to make sure he is still right behind me. If he disappears, I don't know what I will do. My hands still in my hoodie pocket, I pinch myself hard to make sure that I am not dreaming. I cringe at the pain but then I breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not dreaming. He is really here.

We reach my car in five short minutes, soaked from the rain, and when the doors close behind us I have to stop myself from launching into incomprehensible speech. There is so much I have to say to him, so much I have to apologize for. But he came to me, which means he must have something to say too and it's only fair that I allow him to speak first. It's the least I can do, after everything.

"I bet you have a lot of questions." He begins, looking down at his hands and I can see he is playing with something shiny and red. "I know Cal told you the story of how..." he sighs and then turns his gaze to me and his expression is hard. "Of how I became an addict."

"Don't be upset with him." I plead.

"I'm not." He interjects before I can plow on rambling. "I just wish that I would have come right out and told you the truth. I was so obsessed with the idea that if you knew then you would want nothing to do with me. Being a recovering heroin addict isn't the most appealing thing in the world." he mumbles but then resumes his former tone. "Haven, I'm fucked up. I tried to act like I'm not but I am and there is no sense in hiding it."

"Your only like this because of me." I whisper as I hide my face in my hands.

"Do not blame yourself for this." He snaps and I'm frightened by the tone. "You might have gotten me all twisted up inside but you didn't get me hooked on H, you had nothing to do with that."

"Nik," I begin, but his hands dart out and wrap around mine, shocking me into silence. His grip is hard, and it hurts.

"Listen to me." He demands, "I am the only person in control of what I do. I made those choices and I am responsible for what happens to me. You can't tell me that it's your fault, Haven, if you try to take the blame, then I can't have anything to do with you. If you work it into my head that it's your fault, that gives the dark side of me a bargaining chip, something to use against me when I'm weak. I can't have that in my life."

"You're hurting me." I whimper but I can't look away from his intense stare. His eyes dart down to my wrists in his grasp and he jumps back, releasing me and leaving red marks on my skin.

"I'm so sorry." He groans and rakes his hands down his face. "I just need you to understand that it's not your fault."

"But I feel like it is!" My voice fills the car, desperate to be heard and for him to understand my view. "At least partially. It all started when you broke your hand right, the night you found out your parents were sending you away? That never would have happened if I didn't fuck you up so badly. They wouldn't have sent you away, you wouldn't have broken your hand so you wouldn't have had to take those pain meds!"

"Your wrong Haven." Nik shakes his head and glares at me. "I broke my hand that night but I got nothing more than Tylenol then. It wasn't until a few weeks later, we were already in Vancouver and I re-broke it, that's when I ended up on the oxys."

I stare at him, unsure of how to respond. This revelation doesn't make me feel differently about the situation; In my eyes, I am still the monster that did this to him. But I need to listen to him now and hear what he needs from me. And what he needs is to feel responsible for his own actions. I sigh and force myself to shove my self hatred aside so that I can do what Nik needs me to do.

"I will never agree with the idea that I had nothing to do with you going so far over the edge. But I won't say it out loud anymore, at least not to you." I promise.

"Okay." he agrees. "So now I guess I owe you an explanation of what happened that night." His eyes fall back to his hands, the red shiny object back between his fingers.

"I think you might have to go a bit further back than that night Nik." He nods his head in agreement but doesn't shift his gaze from his hands. I wait silently until he speaks.