2 Years Later

As late afternoon light streams in through the windows bordering the high ceiling, I can't help but be distracted by the dust motes dancing through the air. It's been a long day of preparations and now almost two hours of sitting and listening, of course I am easily distracted. My body is racked with nerves and I know they will not dissipate until this is all over.

Finally, the group around me stands and like good little robots we shuffle from our rows of seats and follow our guide backstage. My heart races as we inch closer and closer and then there is only one person in front of me. I remember to wipe the sweat from my hands and then I step out from behind the curtain as the announcer says: "Haven Clark, Mental Health Studies Diploma".

The lights shine brightly down on me, hot and suffocating especially in this itchy graduation robe. I try to take my mom's advice and look directly ahead, towards the line of University officials waiting to shake my hand but I can't help turning my head towards the crowd. From somewhere in the mass of people I hear a few cheers louder than the others and I smile as I recognize the voices of my loved ones.

I can hardly recall taking my diploma from the hands of the Dean, nor shaking hands with any of the staff. Suddenly, it's all over and I am on the other side of the stage, hidden by the curtains and being told to follow the green arrows taped to the ground. As expected, I no longer feel nervous. A calmness fills me as I realize I did it; I've finally graduated University. I'm not walking away with a fancy degree or anything but clutched in my hand is a Diploma, and that's more than I thought I would ever achieve in my life.

The ceremony ends fifteen minutes after I return to my seat, and I join the throngs of graduates and their families making their way to the exits. I can't wait until I can get out of this robe and go for dinner. I'm starving. In the mass of people, I easily pick out Becca and her new fiancé, Stephen. I like him; I think he is the perfect match for her. Calm but not passive.

"Congratulations, you didn't even trip! Your mom told me to give you this," Becca pulls me into a giant bear hug, "she left right after you crossed the stage so she could make it to work on time."

I accept the hug gratefully and pull away with a small smile on my face. I love my mom and I'm glad she was here to watch me cross the stage, this was all her doing after all. I just wish she didn't work so hard.

"Thanks." I smile, "Did you video chat Jennie?" I question, as I pull my phone from inside of my bra, why didn't they make these robes with pockets?

"I tried, the reception was terrible in there. You should probably call her and let her know how it went." Becca urges, as she leans into Stephen with a wide smile on her face. She is so in love, it's ridiculous.

I quickly video chat Jennie, knowing she will be anxiously waiting to hear from me. The last two years we have remained great friends, and she was devastated that she couldn't be here in person. I get it though, flights are not cheap and it's not like she is the only one who couldn't be here.

"Hello!" Jennie's voice rings through the phone but her face does not appear on my screen.

"Hey, why can't I see you?" I ask, as I angle the phone for the best lighting.

"You can't see me?" her high-pitched voice comes through the speaker, distorted by too much background noise.

"No, I can barely hear you too. I just wanted to call because Becca said the video chat didn't work so well." I explain.

"Are you sure you can't see me?" Jennie questions curiously, a hint of surprise in her voice.

"Yeah, it's just black." I clarify.

"Oh, maybe you should try turning around?"

Suddenly my screen fills with an image. An image of a crowded room filled with people wearing burgundy graduation robes and hats. My heart slams into my chest and I whip around, my eyes wildly scanning the room and then I spot her through the crowd. Her face is alight with a ridiculous grin and her long dark hair is pulled up into a bun on the top of her head. I feel my face spread into a wild smile as she casually waves as if this had been the plan all along. And then, the crowd shifts and I see she isn't alone.

The smile falls from my face and I am frozen to the spot as my eyes land on him. Nik.

A satisfied grin settles on his face when he catches my reaction to seeing him here. He told me he couldn't make it. He had played it so well I never would have guessed he would surprise me like this. As Jennie and Nik make their way through the crowd towards me, his eyes are burning with a familiar expression. It's the same look he always has when we first lay eyes on each other after not seeing each other for months.

"Did you know?" I whisper to Becca, only turning my gaze slightly so that Jennie and Nik are still in my peripherals.

"Well, duh. I'm the one who told them they should surprise you!" She exclaims. "You can thank me later."

"Hey babe." Nik whispers and as I turn to face him he pulls me into his arms. I am still frozen. Unable to move until the smell of him hits me and then my arms circle his neck and I hold on for dear life. It's been four months since we have seen each other in person. Video chats and phone calls are no comparison to the feeling of being in each other's presence. My whole body feels light.

"Well, don't hog her!" Jennie complains loudly and I have to force myself to detach myself from Nik. She wraps me in her arms and that's when I realize I am crying. How embarrassing.

"I can't believe you guys!" I choke out as I pull away to get a good look at Jennie. Her petite face is shining with delight and then pity as she wipes away my tears.

"We would never miss this." She coos and pulls me back in for another hug. "I am so proud of you!" She squeezes me tightly then let's go with a loud dramatic sigh, and Nik's arms find their way around me again.

I look up into his eyes and I know that I will never love anyone but him. After two hard years apart, we have grown closer than ever. The time we get to spend together we cherish and never take a minute for granted. It's difficult but I've never doubted our ability to make it through this time in our lives.

Nik brings his lips down to mine but he pulls away too quickly and I know why. As easily as I can read a book, I can read the expression in his eyes; love and desire rest there. If we start, nothing and nobody will be capable of tearing us away from each other until we are satisfied, and satisfaction does not come easily when you only see each other every few months.

"I'm glad we surprised you. I thought Becca was going to ruin it." Nik laughs as he drapes his arm over my shoulder and pulls me close to his side.

"Me ruin it?" Becca screeches indignantly. "Jennie almost told her your flight information three times!" We all laugh, and my heart feels so full in this moment that it might explode.

"Haven." I feel a light tap on my shoulder and turn to see Charlotte Reeds, one of my favorite professors beaming down at me. "Congratulations." She holds her delicate hand out for me to shake. "You have a very bright future ahead of you and I will miss having you in my classroom." I offer her a kind smile, and then she continues speaking in a lowered voice. "I've written that recommendation letter for you, and after speaking with my contact down there I have a strong feeling your going to get the job you applied for in Vanc..."

"Thank you." I cut her off in a rushed whisper. "Thank you so much."

"Happy to do it Haven, congratulations again. I'll let you get back to your loved ones." Charlotte offers me a smile and then disappears into the slowly thinning crowd.

I turn back to the small group before me and try to hide the excitement blooming inside my chest. Nobody knows that I have been applying for jobs in Vancouver, mostly because I am afraid of what they will say. I know it would upset Becca, although she would be supportive in her own way. Jennie would be thrilled and Nik... I just don't know what Nik would think. We have spent the last two years figuring out how to be together while living so far apart and we have a good grasp on our relationship right now. How would he feel about disrupting the dynamic?

"Can we go eat? I'm starving." Becca complains.

I request to get pictures with everyone before I return my itchy graduation robe and then we make our way down to the underground parking lot. I hold tight to Nik's hand, trying to stop the flood of thoughts running through my mind and be present in the moment but it's hard.

Not a single part of me thinks that Nik would be upset at my wanting to move to Vancouver. He knows that I want to move there one day, but we haven't really talked about when 'one day' would be. The last thing I want is to make him feel like I am making this choice without his input. Maybe I should have told him when I started applying for jobs there.

"Haven!" Jennie waves her hand in front of my face, snapping me from my thoughts. "I said, I will ride with Becca and Stephen so you two can have some time alone. We will meet you at the restaurant."

"Yeah, I heard you." I offer her an unconvincing smile.

"Sure you did." Jennie rolls her eyes and tosses Nik a set of keys. "Don't forget, the rental is in my name so no backseat love making, okay! I don't want to pay the cleaning bill for that."

"Jennie!" I choke out scandalized.

"You never should have told us if you didn't want us to use it against you forever!" Becca sings, as she loops her arm through Jennies and pulls her towards Stephen's car, their high heels clacking on the concrete as they go.

I shake my head in disbelief and allow Nik to lead me towards the rental car.

"It really is your own fault." He laughs and squeezes my hand in his.

"I know." I mumble with self pity. One mistake of filling my two best friends in on the intimate moment Nik and I had shared in the back seat of my car, had led to endless jokes and teasing at my expense. At least I've learned my lesson.

When Nik comes to a stop, leaning against the hood of a silver SUV, he pulls me into him, wrapping his arms around my waist. As he looks into my eyes, I know he will see my concerns etched in them. He can read me too easily. I try to look away but his finger tips find my chin and turn my face back to his.

"How long do I have you for?" I whisper as I dart my eyes to his lips, hoping to distract him.

"Forever." He replies without hesitation and I roll my eyes at his disgustingly cute comment. "Just for the weekend, we fly back late on Sunday."

"It never feels like enough." I complain and lower my lips to his as I press my body against him. The connection immediately sparks a fire in me and I don't want to put it out. I want it to consume us. However, Nik pulls away and I groan in protest.

"There will be plenty of time for that later." He kisses me softly and then leads me around to the passenger side door. "Let's go celebrate you."

"Well, that's not as fun as what I had in mind but okay." I offer him a playful smile as he opens my door for me.

"And on the way," he leans in to kiss me again. "You can tell me what you were thinking about so hard back there." He closes the car door firmly before I can protest, but I suppose there is no point. Eventually I will have to tell him I have been looking for jobs in Vancouver, especially if Charlottes' feeling is right, I could get a job offer any day.

Nik joins me in the car and I take a deep breath readying myself to tell him the truth. "My professor wrote me a letter of recommendation for this job I applied to... in Vancouver." I look to Nik for a reaction but he continues to stare at me. "She has a contact at the office I applied to and she said she thinks I'm going to get it, the job I mean."

We stare at each other, my heart racing as I wait to hear what he has to say about my news. His mouth turns at the corners ever so slightly, and then he sits back in his seat and stares out the windshield in silence. My hands come together in my lap, nervously wringing as the silence suffocates me.

"Haven, are you sure that this is what you want?" He questions without looking at me and I can't quite decipher the edge to his voice.

"Yes." I breathe with certainty.

"You don't have to you know that, right? Our relationship is fine the way it is. I'm happy with how things are with us."

"So you don't want me to move there?" I question, trying not to allow the hurt to flood into my voice. Nik finally looks at me, and his eyes are wide with concern.

"Are you crazy? Of course I want you to, I just don't want you to feel you have to Haven. We can make it work living apart, living together, living on the fucking moon if we have to. As long as it's what you want, and you don't resent me for it then I want you to move to Vancouver."

This is the answer I knew I would receive. All along, despite my fears and my concerns I knew Nik would want me to move to Vancouver. We have spent the last two years apart, constantly telling the other how much we miss each other. He never came out and said it, I want you to move here, but of course that's what he wants. I'm not sure why I have to over think everything, that's just how my brain works I guess and I don't know if that will ever change. Hearing the words come directly from him is exactly what I needed to hear.

"I really hope I get the job Nik." I beam at him and try not to let myself get too excited.

"You will get the job." Nik assures me before leaning in to kiss my lips. The fire spreads through me, mixed with the excitement of our shifting future and the nervous energy that always has, and always will fill me when I am in contact with Nik.

A little over two years ago, I came to Vancouver feeling lost in life with no sense of where I was headed and desperate to find an answer. I was unsure of myself as a person, and so heavily laden with regrets and what if's that I couldn't claw my way out to discover who I really am. Today, I am a University graduate with a bright future ahead and the love of my life by my side.

It's been a long time since I've felt those regrets that used to haunt me daily, and I know if I could tell my fourteen-year-old self one thing it would be to think. Think before you speak, because your words can hurt people just as bad as your actions can. Your words are powerful weapons and you need to be ready to deal with the consequences that come with wielding them or you just might end up kept awake at night by an endless loop of what if's and haunted with regrets.

The day I first laid my eyes on Nik again I was sent down a different path that allowed me to heal the broken past I so desperately clung to. While those regrets still weighed me down, I finally got to live through one of my what if's. What if, you got a chance to make things right? I'm not sure where I would have ended up if I didn't get the opportunity to set things right with Nik. I truly believe that I would have died with those regrets and those what if's being the last thoughts on my mind. Because regrets can last a lifetime, and not everybody gets to live out their what if's.